New Chapter

Have you ever noticed that sometimes the inspiration and encouragement you need doesn't always come from the conventional sources? Not your mom, not your sister, not your best friend or your pastor...you expect them to say nice things to you. Well, I do. And that kind of encouragement just doesn't do it for me anymore. Certainly I would start to worry if it went away, but it's become a white noise that I easily filter out. It boosts my ego but it does not prompt me to action.

I got in trouble at work the other night. Well, kind of. A coworker was pissing me off, he did something that made me even madder and I said it. Out loud. Well, out loud AND loudly. I said the "F" word. I did. I do. Often, actually. But this one particular time, this coworker got offended and thought I said that TO him. I didn't say it TO him. I said it AT him because he made a mess that I had already cleaned up once and he was just generally irritating me. Does this sound like a tantrum of a teenager? Well, it probably was. I have no good excuse for it. But that's not why I'm here, to talk about my potty mouth. I'm here because of what my boss said on the phone that same night after he heard of The Incident. It doesn't really have to do with anything concerning The Incident. Nothing at all, really. He said, "You will achieve anything you seek. You will do great at anything you attempt." Really? How could he say that? I'm generally apathetic about everything, especially since I got laid off from my professional job eight weeks ago. Am I depressed? No. That'd be too easy. I'm just lazy. And apathetic. I know what I want to do in life, I just don't know how to go about getting it...so I just haven't done anything. I've been working 40 hours at a grocery store, avoiding paying bills, and hoping my severance will last forever. Will it? No. I'll be lucky if it lasts another month. I tell people I want to be a freelance writer. But do I? I don't know. Am I afraid to put myself out there just to get rejected? Probably not. I just want people to realize my genius and hire me on that basis. Am I really a genius? Probably not. I like to write. I like to comment upon life. I like, no, love to consume music. I like to help people...but not altruistically. My help usually has strings attached. If you don't pass my invisible and arbitrary mental evaluation, well, you aren't worthy of my time, sympathy or possible award-winning smiles (if, indeed, smiles earned awards).

So why is my boss so confident in my abilities? Does he see something that I don't?

I don't know. I feel these bursts of ambition, but I don't know what to do with them.

I just want a direction.