I feel as if I'm on the cusp of something BIG. Important even. Fulfilling. Life altering. It's kind of scary--but it's a beautiful and wonderful peace.
God can use my past to equip my future. Moses was a murderer. Then a shepherd. Then a liberator.
I was a victim. I turned into a sex addict. I have a story. I work as a copy editor. I can be useful. I can help others--and that's been my mantra all along, I just thought it would look different.
Mandi spoke of writing a book. She compiled blogs and musings and that's what her book is: a collection. I've spoken of writing a memoir and a lot of it has been rehashing an ugly, yet vivid, past.
Now maybe it's a book of a journey filled with struggles...but with a glorious ending. I want to help people--so if that means showing them from where I've come and to where I'm going in the Lord--then so be it.
Lord, may your will be done.
and may my bevy of current crushes not deter me from your future, your present, your plan, your Perfection. Above all, I seek YOU.
Thursday, November 09, 2006
Thursday, October 19, 2006
Father.
Might I say there's a twinge of disappointment that Eric didn't come last night. But moreover there's a sense of disappointment in myself because I just feel like I've screwed things up again because I took control, took the reigns and acted on impulse, feeling, desire, childishness and desperation when instead I should be still and know you are God.
Now, even if Eric was interested, ever, he's probably creeped out like I'm following him. Like I've just made myself too available. Like I won't let him be the man that I ultimately desire--a man that takes the reigns. A man that holds off until he's ready to make that ultimate commitment.
Thank you for keeping me in the cradle of your palm. Thank you for knowing more and better than me. Thank you for having a plan. Thank you for cleaning up my messes. Thank you for your unending grace.
Thank you for making me eat my pride. I am pretty embarrassed today at work. I'm embarrassed that I just share everything with my coworkers...and they could tell I was excited about Eric over a year ago. They could certainly tell yesterday. And then when Carla found out, she looked at me like I was crazy. Like she wanted to say, "Why after all this time did you crawl out of nowhere and invite him to a party?" I was offended that she didn't believe in me. I took it as a personal offense, as if I couldn't "nab" a man. Well, hindsight is always perfect, right? She was right. I shouldn't have picked up the phone. And I certainly shouldn't have made it public knowledge that I had invited him. It should have been a surprise if he had shown up and then when he didn't, the disappointment would be all my own. Instead, now, it's a public pity. But I'm a big girl and I've made this bed--and I shall lie in it. I'm not moping--I'm confident that your will will come to pass, no matter my inaptitude--I'm just embarrassed. And that's ok. And maybe this feeling, right now, will somehow stay with me and I'll remember it the next time I throw myself into the paths of completely unsuitable situations.
But I don't regret my actions. I don't regret the open, giving and carelessly caring person I've become. I don't want to be closed, standoffish or elusive. I don't want things to be private. So I guess I'll take publicly embarrassed over my own private mortified hell any day.
I like being transparent. I like my emotions.
And I love you. And yes, I want love and romance and desire and marriage and security and a partnership so bad that I can taste and feel it...but it's so obvious that You are in control. You have my plans and I honestly can't think of a life where I stray from that and make such huge mistakes and decisions--a life outside of You.
Might I say there's a twinge of disappointment that Eric didn't come last night. But moreover there's a sense of disappointment in myself because I just feel like I've screwed things up again because I took control, took the reigns and acted on impulse, feeling, desire, childishness and desperation when instead I should be still and know you are God.
Now, even if Eric was interested, ever, he's probably creeped out like I'm following him. Like I've just made myself too available. Like I won't let him be the man that I ultimately desire--a man that takes the reigns. A man that holds off until he's ready to make that ultimate commitment.
Thank you for keeping me in the cradle of your palm. Thank you for knowing more and better than me. Thank you for having a plan. Thank you for cleaning up my messes. Thank you for your unending grace.
Thank you for making me eat my pride. I am pretty embarrassed today at work. I'm embarrassed that I just share everything with my coworkers...and they could tell I was excited about Eric over a year ago. They could certainly tell yesterday. And then when Carla found out, she looked at me like I was crazy. Like she wanted to say, "Why after all this time did you crawl out of nowhere and invite him to a party?" I was offended that she didn't believe in me. I took it as a personal offense, as if I couldn't "nab" a man. Well, hindsight is always perfect, right? She was right. I shouldn't have picked up the phone. And I certainly shouldn't have made it public knowledge that I had invited him. It should have been a surprise if he had shown up and then when he didn't, the disappointment would be all my own. Instead, now, it's a public pity. But I'm a big girl and I've made this bed--and I shall lie in it. I'm not moping--I'm confident that your will will come to pass, no matter my inaptitude--I'm just embarrassed. And that's ok. And maybe this feeling, right now, will somehow stay with me and I'll remember it the next time I throw myself into the paths of completely unsuitable situations.
But I don't regret my actions. I don't regret the open, giving and carelessly caring person I've become. I don't want to be closed, standoffish or elusive. I don't want things to be private. So I guess I'll take publicly embarrassed over my own private mortified hell any day.
I like being transparent. I like my emotions.
And I love you. And yes, I want love and romance and desire and marriage and security and a partnership so bad that I can taste and feel it...but it's so obvious that You are in control. You have my plans and I honestly can't think of a life where I stray from that and make such huge mistakes and decisions--a life outside of You.
Wednesday, October 18, 2006
It's been a while...
...and I'm sorry.
I'm sorry I don't put you first more often, Lord. I'm sorry that I give in to sin and temptation so often. I'm sorry I rely so heavily on your grace, mercy and forgiveness when I should be relying on changing my sinful and pattern-making ways.
Father I come to you now with butterflies in my stomach and a heart that is trembling. I asked Eric to our party tonight--and obviously I would love for him to choose me to be his love and mate. But my real heart honestly wants only Your Best. I only want your will. Your Truth. So Father, please just do what you will with this evening. Father, help me accept the things you have planned. And if it's not what I've been daydreaming about (which I have honestly tried not to...) then be there to catch me when I fall. You know my heart. You know my wants, needs and desires. But thankfully you have me in your palm and you indeed have amazing and True plans for me.
So however much I want Eric to be My Fridge, I want more for you to be My God--and that's a trade I will gladly make...I'll just need your power to help me through.
I love you. I need you. I love who you've made me. I thank you for who I've become and who I will be.
...and I'm sorry.
I'm sorry I don't put you first more often, Lord. I'm sorry that I give in to sin and temptation so often. I'm sorry I rely so heavily on your grace, mercy and forgiveness when I should be relying on changing my sinful and pattern-making ways.
Father I come to you now with butterflies in my stomach and a heart that is trembling. I asked Eric to our party tonight--and obviously I would love for him to choose me to be his love and mate. But my real heart honestly wants only Your Best. I only want your will. Your Truth. So Father, please just do what you will with this evening. Father, help me accept the things you have planned. And if it's not what I've been daydreaming about (which I have honestly tried not to...) then be there to catch me when I fall. You know my heart. You know my wants, needs and desires. But thankfully you have me in your palm and you indeed have amazing and True plans for me.
So however much I want Eric to be My Fridge, I want more for you to be My God--and that's a trade I will gladly make...I'll just need your power to help me through.
I love you. I need you. I love who you've made me. I thank you for who I've become and who I will be.
Thursday, August 17, 2006
lindsay
I cried a little when lindsay just walked by to say goodbye.we weren't close or anything...but she was so darn nice. her sunshine really brightened the place up. I'm going to miss her.
Wednesday, August 16, 2006
i wish
i wish i didn't have to put so much effort into some relationships
i wish reid would go ahead and finish growing up so we could have some permanance together
i wish i weren't so insecure thinking that if someone doesn't respond immediately, that they hate me
i wish i had more self-control
i wish i knew what God wanted me to do with my life
i want to make a difference
i want to help the widows and the orphans
i wish reid would go ahead and finish growing up so we could have some permanance together
i wish i weren't so insecure thinking that if someone doesn't respond immediately, that they hate me
i wish i had more self-control
i wish i knew what God wanted me to do with my life
i want to make a difference
i want to help the widows and the orphans
Monday, August 07, 2006
Our Lord’s childhood was not immaturity waiting to grow into manhood— His childhood is an eternal fact. Am I a holy, innocent child of God as a result of my identification with my Lord and Savior? Do I look at my life as being in my Father’s house? Is the Son of God living in His Father’s house within me?
The only abiding reality is God Himself, and His order comes to me moment by moment. Am I continually in touch with the reality of God, or do I pray only when things have gone wrong— when there is some disturbance in my life? I must learn to identify myself closely with my Lord in ways of holy fellowship and oneness that some of us have not yet even begun to learn. ". . . I must be about My Father’s business"— and I must learn to live every moment of my life in my Father’s house.
Think about your own circumstances. Are you so closely identified with the Lord’s life that you are simply a child of God, continually talking to Him and realizing that everything comes from His hands? Is the eternal Child in you living in His Father’s house? Is the grace of His ministering life being worked out through you in your home, your business, and in your circle of friends? Have you been wondering why you are going through certain circumstances? In fact, it is not that you have to go through them. It is because of your relationship with the Son of God who comes, through the providential will of His Father, into your life. You must allow Him to have His way with you, staying in perfect oneness with Him.
The life of your Lord is to become your vital, simple life, and the way He worked and lived among people while here on earth must be the way He works and lives in you.
My Utmost for His Highest
The only abiding reality is God Himself, and His order comes to me moment by moment. Am I continually in touch with the reality of God, or do I pray only when things have gone wrong— when there is some disturbance in my life? I must learn to identify myself closely with my Lord in ways of holy fellowship and oneness that some of us have not yet even begun to learn. ". . . I must be about My Father’s business"— and I must learn to live every moment of my life in my Father’s house.
Think about your own circumstances. Are you so closely identified with the Lord’s life that you are simply a child of God, continually talking to Him and realizing that everything comes from His hands? Is the eternal Child in you living in His Father’s house? Is the grace of His ministering life being worked out through you in your home, your business, and in your circle of friends? Have you been wondering why you are going through certain circumstances? In fact, it is not that you have to go through them. It is because of your relationship with the Son of God who comes, through the providential will of His Father, into your life. You must allow Him to have His way with you, staying in perfect oneness with Him.
The life of your Lord is to become your vital, simple life, and the way He worked and lived among people while here on earth must be the way He works and lives in you.
My Utmost for His Highest
Psalm 62
For the director of music. For Jeduthun. A psalm of David.
1 My soul finds rest in God alone;
my salvation comes from him.
2 He alone is my rock and my salvation;
he is my fortress, I will never be shaken.
3 How long will you assault a man?
Would all of you throw him down—
this leaning wall, this tottering fence?
4 They fully intend to topple him
from his lofty place;
they take delight in lies.
With their mouths they bless,
but in their hearts they curse.
Selah
5 Find rest, O my soul, in God alone;
my hope comes from him.
6 He alone is my rock and my salvation;
he is my fortress, I will not be shaken.
7 My salvation and my honor depend on God [a] ;
he is my mighty rock, my refuge.
8 Trust in him at all times, O people;
pour out your hearts to him,
for God is our refuge.
Selah
9 Lowborn men are but a breath,
the highborn are but a lie;
if weighed on a balance, they are nothing;
together they are only a breath.
10 Do not trust in extortion
or take pride in stolen goods;
though your riches increase,
do not set your heart on them.
11 One thing God has spoken,
two things have I heard:
that you, O God, are strong,
12 and that you, O Lord, are loving.
Surely you will reward each person
according to what he has done.
You’ve felt it yourself, or at least listened to other people talk about it—the blues, times of dark discouragement. Lynette Joy, in an article for christianwomentoday.com, tells of several steps we can take during those dark times to turn toward Jesus, the Light of the World:
• Light up your heart through prayer. Pour out your heart to God when you’re feeling overwhelmed (Psalm 62:8). Take your anxieties to Him in prayer (Philippians 4:6-7). And if you journal or write down your prayers, you can look back later to see how the Lord has answered you.
• Light up your mind with truth. Read the Word of God every day, at least for a few minutes. Let His truth challenge, permeate, and transform your incorrect thinking that life is hopeless (Psalm 46:1; Romans 12:2).
• Light up your life by doing God’s will. His will for you is to worship and serve Him. Stay involved in your church where you can worship and fellowship with others and serve Him (Hebrews 10:25). This will help you grow in your trust of God.
When we feel darkness begin to close in on us, we need to turn to Jesus, the Light. He will be a refuge (Psalm 62:7-8) and will give us the strength to keep going. —Anne Cetas
Lord, give us strength to trust You when
Life’s burdens seem too much to bear;
Dispel the darkness with new hope
And help us rise above despair. —Sper
You won’t stumble in the dark if you walk in the light of God’s Word.
For the director of music. For Jeduthun. A psalm of David.
1 My soul finds rest in God alone;
my salvation comes from him.
2 He alone is my rock and my salvation;
he is my fortress, I will never be shaken.
3 How long will you assault a man?
Would all of you throw him down—
this leaning wall, this tottering fence?
4 They fully intend to topple him
from his lofty place;
they take delight in lies.
With their mouths they bless,
but in their hearts they curse.
Selah
5 Find rest, O my soul, in God alone;
my hope comes from him.
6 He alone is my rock and my salvation;
he is my fortress, I will not be shaken.
7 My salvation and my honor depend on God [a] ;
he is my mighty rock, my refuge.
8 Trust in him at all times, O people;
pour out your hearts to him,
for God is our refuge.
Selah
9 Lowborn men are but a breath,
the highborn are but a lie;
if weighed on a balance, they are nothing;
together they are only a breath.
10 Do not trust in extortion
or take pride in stolen goods;
though your riches increase,
do not set your heart on them.
11 One thing God has spoken,
two things have I heard:
that you, O God, are strong,
12 and that you, O Lord, are loving.
Surely you will reward each person
according to what he has done.
You’ve felt it yourself, or at least listened to other people talk about it—the blues, times of dark discouragement. Lynette Joy, in an article for christianwomentoday.com, tells of several steps we can take during those dark times to turn toward Jesus, the Light of the World:
• Light up your heart through prayer. Pour out your heart to God when you’re feeling overwhelmed (Psalm 62:8). Take your anxieties to Him in prayer (Philippians 4:6-7). And if you journal or write down your prayers, you can look back later to see how the Lord has answered you.
• Light up your mind with truth. Read the Word of God every day, at least for a few minutes. Let His truth challenge, permeate, and transform your incorrect thinking that life is hopeless (Psalm 46:1; Romans 12:2).
• Light up your life by doing God’s will. His will for you is to worship and serve Him. Stay involved in your church where you can worship and fellowship with others and serve Him (Hebrews 10:25). This will help you grow in your trust of God.
When we feel darkness begin to close in on us, we need to turn to Jesus, the Light. He will be a refuge (Psalm 62:7-8) and will give us the strength to keep going. —Anne Cetas
Lord, give us strength to trust You when
Life’s burdens seem too much to bear;
Dispel the darkness with new hope
And help us rise above despair. —Sper
You won’t stumble in the dark if you walk in the light of God’s Word.
Voddie
Voddie: I run into people all the time who met somebody and there was this wild, whirlwind romance. And deep down inside 'em that they KNEW this person wasn't qualified Biblically to be their husband. But they ignored it 'cause it felt so good. Next thing they knew they were so invested in this relationship, that they ended up getting married. And now they're frustrated everyday because they got what they asked for. Isn't that amazing?.......You went to God and said, "God, I don't care what the Bible says, I want this one." God said, "Cool, you got 'em." And now you're coming to God sayin', "Can you make him different?" "No, he's exactly what you asked for."
I don't know that Bo isn't worthy of your husband, Ashley. But I do know that a lot of God's teachings have been ignored thus far and I hate to see what will get ignored next...
Thursday, August 03, 2006
Thank you God for always knowing what I need to hear and read. This is my My Utmost for His Highest devotion today:
Jerusalem, in the life of our Lord, represents the place where He reached the culmination of His Father’s will. Jesus said, "I do not seek My own will but the will of the Father who sent Me" (John 5:30). Seeking to do "the will of the Father" was the one dominating concern throughout our Lord’s life. And whatever He encountered along the way, whether joy or sorrow, success or failure, He was never deterred from that purpose. ". . . He steadfastly set His face to go to Jerusalem . . ." (Luke 9:51).
The greatest thing for us to remember is that we go up to Jerusalem to fulfill God’s purpose, not our own. In the natural life our ambitions are our own, but in the Christian life we have no goals of our own. We talk so much today about our decisions for Christ, our determination to be Christians, and our decisions for this and that, but in the New Testament the only aspect that is brought out is the compelling purpose of God. "You did not choose Me, but I chose you . . ." (John 15:16).
We are not taken into a conscious agreement with God’s purpose— we are taken into God’s purpose with no awareness of it at all. We have no idea what God’s goal may be; as we continue, His purpose becomes even more and more vague. God’s aim appears to have missed the mark, because we are too nearsighted to see the target at which He is aiming. At the beginning of the Christian life, we have our own ideas as to what God’s purpose is. We say, "God means for me to go over there," and, "God has called me to do this special work." We do what we think is right, and yet the compelling purpose of God remains upon us. The work we do is of no account when compared with the compelling purpose of God. It is simply the scaffolding surrounding His work and His plan. "He took the twelve aside . . ." (Luke 18:31). God takes us aside all the time. We have not yet understood all there is to know of the compelling purpose of God.
I don't know your purpose, Lord. I don't know why you've called me to break away from friends. But I do know your glory is what I seek. Your approval and purpose are my driving forces. I love you AND your mysterious ways.
Jerusalem, in the life of our Lord, represents the place where He reached the culmination of His Father’s will. Jesus said, "I do not seek My own will but the will of the Father who sent Me" (John 5:30). Seeking to do "the will of the Father" was the one dominating concern throughout our Lord’s life. And whatever He encountered along the way, whether joy or sorrow, success or failure, He was never deterred from that purpose. ". . . He steadfastly set His face to go to Jerusalem . . ." (Luke 9:51).
The greatest thing for us to remember is that we go up to Jerusalem to fulfill God’s purpose, not our own. In the natural life our ambitions are our own, but in the Christian life we have no goals of our own. We talk so much today about our decisions for Christ, our determination to be Christians, and our decisions for this and that, but in the New Testament the only aspect that is brought out is the compelling purpose of God. "You did not choose Me, but I chose you . . ." (John 15:16).
We are not taken into a conscious agreement with God’s purpose— we are taken into God’s purpose with no awareness of it at all. We have no idea what God’s goal may be; as we continue, His purpose becomes even more and more vague. God’s aim appears to have missed the mark, because we are too nearsighted to see the target at which He is aiming. At the beginning of the Christian life, we have our own ideas as to what God’s purpose is. We say, "God means for me to go over there," and, "God has called me to do this special work." We do what we think is right, and yet the compelling purpose of God remains upon us. The work we do is of no account when compared with the compelling purpose of God. It is simply the scaffolding surrounding His work and His plan. "He took the twelve aside . . ." (Luke 18:31). God takes us aside all the time. We have not yet understood all there is to know of the compelling purpose of God.
I don't know your purpose, Lord. I don't know why you've called me to break away from friends. But I do know your glory is what I seek. Your approval and purpose are my driving forces. I love you AND your mysterious ways.
A text to Reid and Jamie as I was driving into work yesterday:
"I just had a God revelation through Charlie Hall. All we need IS Him. And I'm not willing to keep quiet and go against Him and what He tells my heart just to keep my stumbled friends comfortable. I'm willing to give up two sweet friendships if that means He is glorified and His word isn't compromised by sin. Wow. It's a big morning already!"
And as I was reading my devotional this morning, this came up:
When Jesus’ teachings began to “offend” those who were following Him, many chose to leave (John 6:60-66). So He asked His disciples, “Do you also want to go away?” (v.67). Peter replied, “Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life” (v.68). Peter knew that Jesus was the living Word—God revealed in the flesh. He was willing to forsake everything in this life to pursue the One who is the Way, the Truth, and the Life.
I think His teachings are offending Bo, who doesn't see anything wrong with this Love 'em and Leave 'em attitude. I think His teachings are offending Ashley because she's never fully accepted God as the image of wholly trustworthy Father. She uses all her past and all her baggage as proof that God's not to be trusted. She would rather feel the warmth of an earthly man's embrace and hear all the love language that goes along with that than to do what she knows God is calling her to do and abstain from it all.
And I am willing to forsake everything in this life to pursue the One who is the Way, the Truth, and the Life. It hurts. It's scary. I don't know what the future holds. But I know that no matter what, God is good, God is awesome, God is HOLY and He is to be trusted. I feel like I've been abandoned and betrayed by those closest to me. I can only catch a glimpse of what Jesus must have felt. Let me take up my cross and follow Him.
I'm worried that I'm being proud and pompous and I'm letting Me shine through my words to Them and not God. Father, please make me transparent. Use me in whatever fashion is best benefiting you. I love you. I want to do things YOUR way. Break me. I'm down at your feet.
"I just had a God revelation through Charlie Hall. All we need IS Him. And I'm not willing to keep quiet and go against Him and what He tells my heart just to keep my stumbled friends comfortable. I'm willing to give up two sweet friendships if that means He is glorified and His word isn't compromised by sin. Wow. It's a big morning already!"
And as I was reading my devotional this morning, this came up:
When Jesus’ teachings began to “offend” those who were following Him, many chose to leave (John 6:60-66). So He asked His disciples, “Do you also want to go away?” (v.67). Peter replied, “Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life” (v.68). Peter knew that Jesus was the living Word—God revealed in the flesh. He was willing to forsake everything in this life to pursue the One who is the Way, the Truth, and the Life.
I think His teachings are offending Bo, who doesn't see anything wrong with this Love 'em and Leave 'em attitude. I think His teachings are offending Ashley because she's never fully accepted God as the image of wholly trustworthy Father. She uses all her past and all her baggage as proof that God's not to be trusted. She would rather feel the warmth of an earthly man's embrace and hear all the love language that goes along with that than to do what she knows God is calling her to do and abstain from it all.
And I am willing to forsake everything in this life to pursue the One who is the Way, the Truth, and the Life. It hurts. It's scary. I don't know what the future holds. But I know that no matter what, God is good, God is awesome, God is HOLY and He is to be trusted. I feel like I've been abandoned and betrayed by those closest to me. I can only catch a glimpse of what Jesus must have felt. Let me take up my cross and follow Him.
I'm worried that I'm being proud and pompous and I'm letting Me shine through my words to Them and not God. Father, please make me transparent. Use me in whatever fashion is best benefiting you. I love you. I want to do things YOUR way. Break me. I'm down at your feet.
Date: Mon, 31 Jul 2006 12:30:29 -0700 (PDT)
From: "ashley"
Subject: ...my brain is swimming....
To: "Anna"
No, OF COURSE I'm not mad at you and OF COURSE I will absolutely still speak to you. I want to talk to you more about his, but don't know how well I'll do with the time alloted. I'm still at school and it's 3:15pm and there's still a ton I'd like to do with my room! Just got out of a big giant meeting and my brain is swimming.
This brief response will have to do for now....suffice it to say that I love you dearly and I thank God for you. I appreciate your wisdom, honesty, and eloquence in addressing such a delicate issue. No, I do not think you're throwing stones. I am by no means upset or angry with you, so don't worry about that. There's so much going on right now that I'd like to talk with you on the phone about this later. I need to process and mull things over.
Briefly:
-Not using condoms is COMPLETELY stupid and it's my fault because he's suggested we use them and I haven't. STD's and babies are not on my list of things to have.
-Yes, Bo is a far cry from anyone I've ever dated, but you're right: It doesn't take much to beat out a drug addict and a complete psycho.
-It actually happened 3 weeks after I met him and not two, but I know that doesn't really matter because that's basically the same time line as with Peter.
Ok, I LOVE YOU SO MUCH and I'm glad you're in my life. I need to go now though. Crap, more later. Don't know when I'll get to a computer next. Maybe Wednesday?
Anna Leary wrote:
I had a random thought about you being pregnant last
night...that's why I texted you to see if you guys use
protection. Your response of "No ma'am" literally
robbed me of speech. I've literally been in continual
prayer about it since you wrote that.
I know I told you that I'm done with relationship
advice, but on this one point I can't just stand idly
by. I don't mean to offend--for I know you're an adult
and you want to live your own life and make your own
decisions, but this is something that scares me.
It is utterly irresponsible and dangerous for you guys
not to use a condom EVERY TIME you have sex. You were
with Peter and that's the first guy you slept with.
You guys had unprotected sex. You're not certain if he
was faithful. He had clearly slept with multiple women
before you. (This is not a guilt trip or to make you
feel dirty--but this is just the sad truth of the
world we now live in.) So I know you went and got all
kinds of tests run when you guys broke up. But did you
know it sometimes takes AIDS up to a year before it
shows up actively on tests? Ok, so now you're with Bo.
You sleep with him after knowing him two weeks. He has
clearly slept with multiple women. If he didn't use a
condom with you, it's pretty safe to assume he's had
previous encounters with unprotected sex. Knowing
Bo--and even though I've known him almost two years, I
still don't know everything about him--he probably has
never been tested for anything. Let's then go another
step further: the women he's slept with have probably
had previous partners. There's no telling who all
those guys had sex with before they had sex with Bo's
former partners. Again, I'm not slamming you--but I'm
not sugarcoating something that's so important: we
live in a very scary world. I know you think Bo's a
great guy--I do too, but I don't sleep with him. I
don't think there's enough trust built between you two
to warrant having sex without a condom--and I won't
even go into the pregnancy factor--because you have to
know that birth control is not fool-proof. Even in my
own case, I would be weary of having sex without a
condom even after I'm married because who knows what
lies dormant in and on me because of Jon when I was
13. STD's are no laughing matter. They are nothing to
be naive about. It doesn't matter that you both go to
church, that you've both heard and agreed with Voddie,
and that you both love Jesus and hope to follow Him
the rest of your days. I know you know that...but
keeping quiet about this can't go on. You have to
stand up for your own protection and demand that he
wear a condom--for the sake of both of you. If he puts
up any kind of protest--do you really want to be with
a man that refuses to keep you safe?
I am not dooming your relationship to hell, but Bo
doesn't have the best track record with women. I'm not
betraying his confidence here, but he's been known to
be the Love 'em and Leave 'em type. I hope that you
guys get married and live happily ever after--but at
this juncture in time, your future looks rocky and
murky. Yes, he's older and set in his ways--but this
is a time of courtship and he should be trying his
best to legitimately woo you for a permanent match,
AKA marriage. If he's willing to put laundry and sleep
over you now--he'll always do it. If he doesn't
respect you enough to not sleep with you, to guard
your heart and try to keep you pure, after two weeks
of knowing you, I'm going to go ahead and take a leap
and say his respect level for you, however it may not
go down, will not go up if you continue to give in to
his whims (sex with no condom is just a man trying to
get away with having his own pleasure above your
safety). It has nothing to do with wet socks :).
I only say any of this because I love you. I've seen
what kind of horrible things Peter did to you. I'm not
in any way saying Bo is like Peter, but the
relationship timeline is eerily similar. You've said
it yourself when I've raised the concerns about things
going quickly, "Well, you've got to admit that Bo's a
lot better than Peter." Well, Ashley, not to be
horribly blunt and rude, but Peter was an abusive
beast, Michael was a drug-addled boy stuck in a man's
body, and John the Baptist was a hypocrite of greatest
measure--it doesn't take a whole lot for Bo to be
"better" than these guys. Yes, he's leaps and bounds
over our previous choices. And I love Bo and really
enjoy being his friend--but he has a lot of growing up
to do. I'm not perfect, and I know it--but I'm
striving to make real differences in my life, in my
faith, in my surroundings. Bo looks at people like
they are just younger--haven't seen the things he's
seen, and therefore the rest of us are just naive and
he's the one with the real truth. I've gotten the
feeling when I've spoken with him about my faith that
he's looking down his nose at me. Even when he and I
hung out before 722 last week he cautioned me against
the Jesus Sugar High...and I told Him it's not a sugar
high, it's me being on fire for God because of what
He's brought me through.
He really thinks there's no problems with having a
fuck buddy (his own terminology--not referencing you,
but someone in his past). Yes, he likes you. Yes, you
guys are cute together--but he's coming from a past
that views sex as a man's right. "A man has NEEDS."
That's not a man that views sex as a beautiful gift
from God. We've both heard him say that he's not
selfish in the bedroom. Great. But that union is so
special to God, it should be confined to marriage. I
know you're your own woman and you're starting a new
chapter in your life and want and need to make your
own decisions.
Obviously you wanted to have sex too...or else you
wouldn't have. But women see sex as something leading
to love and permanence; it's intricately linked with
intimacy. Men see sex as sex...and it doesn't
necessarily have the same emotions and feelings
attached to it. That's why true trust and love and
mutual goals should be in play way before sex enters
into the equation. Because if he can have sex, sans
condom, and get away without making any
compromise--essentially succeeding as a grumpy old
man, then there's no impetus for him to change his
actions and be a righteous man, a man that "wants to
make an honest woman out of you."
I am not dooming your relationship with him. If you
want to continue dating him, terrific. If you want to
continue having sex with him, great. Honestly, I won't
get in the way. But please know that I'm only
concerned for the both of you and want the very best
for you. And no, I don't think sex, unprotected or
not, after only two weeks is the best for either of
you. God calls us to be true and pure and to stay away
from sexual immorality. It's not because He hates sex
or that He doesn't understand how absolutely wonderful
and earth shattering it can be. He DOES know because
He created it. It's meant to be absolutely wonderful
and earth shattering. But with all it's wonderfulness
and the ground shakingness of it, there comes a huge
commitment and strain on the emotions, on the faith,
on the well-being of the people involved in partaking
of something that's meant for a relationship with
proven permanence...a relationship where there is
trust, long-term COMMITMENT, monogamy and faith built
into it and there isn't the strain on time, and
distance, and trying to see each other and get more of
each other. Sex can be all-consuming. And I don't want
to see your relationship fail to grow in its maturity
just to satiate your sexual appetite. That appetite
will continue to grow and you'll want more and more if
it's not leashed in. And it'll lead to an emptiness if
there isn't the protection of a true foundation.
I know your ordeal with Peter was horrible and having
that positive attention from Bo is like a salve on a
starving soul...and you've mentioned to me in the past
about not everyone's faith is like mine, not everyone
can be as "strong" or as anti-premarital-sex as I am.
And that makes me sad. Because I LOVE sex. I think
it's amazing and I can't wait until my day comes. But
I know how sullied it can get. I know how dirty you
can feel when someone you've shared yourself fully
with hurts you or walks away or seeks his pleasure in
another. I'm not saying Bo will do any of that...but
is that something we can be absolutely sure of?
Because truth be told, I don't know him in that arena
very well at all. You probably know him leaps and
bounds better than I now...and yet, that's only a
month of knowledge built up. We don't know that he
doesn't split after two months. Or split when he feels
trapped by things like commitment and about
responsibility.
So I'm sorry if you feel attacked or degraded. It's
not meant to be like that at all. But I just think of
myself in this situation...and I would be fully into
him by now, head over heels in love. I would be
planning weddings and our lives together. However much
we talked about "taking it slow" and "seeing where
this goes," I would say whatever I needed to say to
keep him around because I like how he looks at me, how
it feels for him to be near me, how he holds me, how I
feel invincible when we have sex...but in reality--I'd
be sending messages that my whole self, that I should
guard with my life until I'm married, is on display
for him. He can take and take what he wants--that I'm
going to give in to what he wants because if I put up
a fight, he might leave. And I wouldn't want that. I
KNOW that's how I would act. That's why I don't date,
Ashley. There have actually been opportunities--but
the guys haven't been what I'm looking for
spiritually. I want a Voddie Baucham, sold out for
Christ, man that's going to lead me on a path to
righteousness kind of man. I need someone to take
charge and tell me no sometimes. Someone to guard my
heart for me when I want nothing but to give it away.
But I know that now...and I know that I jump into
romance head-first, no qualms, no thoughts of
consequences. So I know that I can't handle innocuous
dating. My next romance will be headed to marriage
because I know I can't guard my heart from being
obliterated by playing the world's Dating Game. I
can't handle one-night stands. I can't handle fooling
around without commitment. I can't handle the
jealousies that overcome me when I know I love him,
but we're not married...so he can hang out with
whomever he wants and I have no real claim to him or
his time.
If you can keep your heart from getting broken through
all this, then go for it. I'm not saying he's going to
break your heart--but I am saying that no matter if
you guys are on the road to marriage, sex throws a
kink in things that's going to make the road very
rocky. It makes people distrustful. It makes people
jealous. It makes people do crazy things. It makes
people make time and place claims on the other person
that may not have been earned--but just assumed
because of steamy nights spent together.
So I love you. I want the very very best for you. I
hope from now on you'll at least consider using a
condom. I hope you'll regularly get tested for STD's.
I hope you'll turn to God for comfort, for
fulfillment, for purpose, for your future instead of
Bo. But I can't live your life for you. So just know
that no matter what I'm still here. I'm still praying
for you and I'll support you when you need me to--but
know that I'm not willing to compromise my moral
stands or what I believe just to make the two of you
feel more comfortable. The sermon Kevin preached
yesterday was about the adulterous woman about to be
stoned, yet Jesus said for the person who has not
sinned throw the first stone and the woman's accusers
left. I'm not throwing stones. I know I'm not perfect
and I mess up everyday. But I really feel like I'm on
a good path now--not without falls and faults, but
full of feeling God's presence and seeking His Truth.
So I tell you the things I see wrong with your
relationship to help you from falling. To help you
live the life you were created to live. Because we're
best friends and we help each other. And it's also
helping me from being around people that will cause my
own faith and calling to stumble.
Well, this dissertation is over. If you choose to be
mad and not speak to me, that's fine. Because I don't
regret saying any of it. I don't regret standing up
for what I believe and what I think you truly believe
deep down--but perhaps you're just not ready to put
that faith into action because looking into Bo's eyes
and feeling his touch just feels so good and so right.
If you choose to think this is none of my business,
that's fine. But I don't see it like that. I see it as
being on a dangerous precipice that just might get
more treacherous as the days go on and the two of you
get more involved.
So, yes, you're an adult. You make your own decisions.
I thank God you've got a job you're going to love and
you're essentially out on your own. And I know there
will be a time where you will "leave" me to join a
husband. But until that time I hope you will take my
words as coming from a true and honest place. A place
that has known you and loved you for years on end. A
place that hopes you'll see that maybe I can see
things clearer on the outside and you'll trust my
words over the whispers of passion.
So there you go. I love you. And if I have to take a
backseat to Bo, that's your decision. I'm not saying
you have to choose between us. Just make sure it's
what you truly want for yourself. It's who you want to
be and it's how you want to be seen. Because I can
still be a friend to both of you. I can keep my
concerns quieter, but I won't turn a blind eye to what
I see as two beautiful Christians turning their backs
on God's will. I think that would be an even greater
sin on my back and an even greater offense to God. But
I'm called to love no matter, so I shall.
me.
From: "ashley"
Subject: ...my brain is swimming....
To: "Anna"
No, OF COURSE I'm not mad at you and OF COURSE I will absolutely still speak to you. I want to talk to you more about his, but don't know how well I'll do with the time alloted. I'm still at school and it's 3:15pm and there's still a ton I'd like to do with my room! Just got out of a big giant meeting and my brain is swimming.
This brief response will have to do for now....suffice it to say that I love you dearly and I thank God for you. I appreciate your wisdom, honesty, and eloquence in addressing such a delicate issue. No, I do not think you're throwing stones. I am by no means upset or angry with you, so don't worry about that. There's so much going on right now that I'd like to talk with you on the phone about this later. I need to process and mull things over.
Briefly:
-Not using condoms is COMPLETELY stupid and it's my fault because he's suggested we use them and I haven't. STD's and babies are not on my list of things to have.
-Yes, Bo is a far cry from anyone I've ever dated, but you're right: It doesn't take much to beat out a drug addict and a complete psycho.
-It actually happened 3 weeks after I met him and not two, but I know that doesn't really matter because that's basically the same time line as with Peter.
Ok, I LOVE YOU SO MUCH and I'm glad you're in my life. I need to go now though. Crap, more later. Don't know when I'll get to a computer next. Maybe Wednesday?
Anna Leary
I had a random thought about you being pregnant last
night...that's why I texted you to see if you guys use
protection. Your response of "No ma'am" literally
robbed me of speech. I've literally been in continual
prayer about it since you wrote that.
I know I told you that I'm done with relationship
advice, but on this one point I can't just stand idly
by. I don't mean to offend--for I know you're an adult
and you want to live your own life and make your own
decisions, but this is something that scares me.
It is utterly irresponsible and dangerous for you guys
not to use a condom EVERY TIME you have sex. You were
with Peter and that's the first guy you slept with.
You guys had unprotected sex. You're not certain if he
was faithful. He had clearly slept with multiple women
before you. (This is not a guilt trip or to make you
feel dirty--but this is just the sad truth of the
world we now live in.) So I know you went and got all
kinds of tests run when you guys broke up. But did you
know it sometimes takes AIDS up to a year before it
shows up actively on tests? Ok, so now you're with Bo.
You sleep with him after knowing him two weeks. He has
clearly slept with multiple women. If he didn't use a
condom with you, it's pretty safe to assume he's had
previous encounters with unprotected sex. Knowing
Bo--and even though I've known him almost two years, I
still don't know everything about him--he probably has
never been tested for anything. Let's then go another
step further: the women he's slept with have probably
had previous partners. There's no telling who all
those guys had sex with before they had sex with Bo's
former partners. Again, I'm not slamming you--but I'm
not sugarcoating something that's so important: we
live in a very scary world. I know you think Bo's a
great guy--I do too, but I don't sleep with him. I
don't think there's enough trust built between you two
to warrant having sex without a condom--and I won't
even go into the pregnancy factor--because you have to
know that birth control is not fool-proof. Even in my
own case, I would be weary of having sex without a
condom even after I'm married because who knows what
lies dormant in and on me because of Jon when I was
13. STD's are no laughing matter. They are nothing to
be naive about. It doesn't matter that you both go to
church, that you've both heard and agreed with Voddie,
and that you both love Jesus and hope to follow Him
the rest of your days. I know you know that...but
keeping quiet about this can't go on. You have to
stand up for your own protection and demand that he
wear a condom--for the sake of both of you. If he puts
up any kind of protest--do you really want to be with
a man that refuses to keep you safe?
I am not dooming your relationship to hell, but Bo
doesn't have the best track record with women. I'm not
betraying his confidence here, but he's been known to
be the Love 'em and Leave 'em type. I hope that you
guys get married and live happily ever after--but at
this juncture in time, your future looks rocky and
murky. Yes, he's older and set in his ways--but this
is a time of courtship and he should be trying his
best to legitimately woo you for a permanent match,
AKA marriage. If he's willing to put laundry and sleep
over you now--he'll always do it. If he doesn't
respect you enough to not sleep with you, to guard
your heart and try to keep you pure, after two weeks
of knowing you, I'm going to go ahead and take a leap
and say his respect level for you, however it may not
go down, will not go up if you continue to give in to
his whims (sex with no condom is just a man trying to
get away with having his own pleasure above your
safety). It has nothing to do with wet socks :).
I only say any of this because I love you. I've seen
what kind of horrible things Peter did to you. I'm not
in any way saying Bo is like Peter, but the
relationship timeline is eerily similar. You've said
it yourself when I've raised the concerns about things
going quickly, "Well, you've got to admit that Bo's a
lot better than Peter." Well, Ashley, not to be
horribly blunt and rude, but Peter was an abusive
beast, Michael was a drug-addled boy stuck in a man's
body, and John the Baptist was a hypocrite of greatest
measure--it doesn't take a whole lot for Bo to be
"better" than these guys. Yes, he's leaps and bounds
over our previous choices. And I love Bo and really
enjoy being his friend--but he has a lot of growing up
to do. I'm not perfect, and I know it--but I'm
striving to make real differences in my life, in my
faith, in my surroundings. Bo looks at people like
they are just younger--haven't seen the things he's
seen, and therefore the rest of us are just naive and
he's the one with the real truth. I've gotten the
feeling when I've spoken with him about my faith that
he's looking down his nose at me. Even when he and I
hung out before 722 last week he cautioned me against
the Jesus Sugar High...and I told Him it's not a sugar
high, it's me being on fire for God because of what
He's brought me through.
He really thinks there's no problems with having a
fuck buddy (his own terminology--not referencing you,
but someone in his past). Yes, he likes you. Yes, you
guys are cute together--but he's coming from a past
that views sex as a man's right. "A man has NEEDS."
That's not a man that views sex as a beautiful gift
from God. We've both heard him say that he's not
selfish in the bedroom. Great. But that union is so
special to God, it should be confined to marriage. I
know you're your own woman and you're starting a new
chapter in your life and want and need to make your
own decisions.
Obviously you wanted to have sex too...or else you
wouldn't have. But women see sex as something leading
to love and permanence; it's intricately linked with
intimacy. Men see sex as sex...and it doesn't
necessarily have the same emotions and feelings
attached to it. That's why true trust and love and
mutual goals should be in play way before sex enters
into the equation. Because if he can have sex, sans
condom, and get away without making any
compromise--essentially succeeding as a grumpy old
man, then there's no impetus for him to change his
actions and be a righteous man, a man that "wants to
make an honest woman out of you."
I am not dooming your relationship with him. If you
want to continue dating him, terrific. If you want to
continue having sex with him, great. Honestly, I won't
get in the way. But please know that I'm only
concerned for the both of you and want the very best
for you. And no, I don't think sex, unprotected or
not, after only two weeks is the best for either of
you. God calls us to be true and pure and to stay away
from sexual immorality. It's not because He hates sex
or that He doesn't understand how absolutely wonderful
and earth shattering it can be. He DOES know because
He created it. It's meant to be absolutely wonderful
and earth shattering. But with all it's wonderfulness
and the ground shakingness of it, there comes a huge
commitment and strain on the emotions, on the faith,
on the well-being of the people involved in partaking
of something that's meant for a relationship with
proven permanence...a relationship where there is
trust, long-term COMMITMENT, monogamy and faith built
into it and there isn't the strain on time, and
distance, and trying to see each other and get more of
each other. Sex can be all-consuming. And I don't want
to see your relationship fail to grow in its maturity
just to satiate your sexual appetite. That appetite
will continue to grow and you'll want more and more if
it's not leashed in. And it'll lead to an emptiness if
there isn't the protection of a true foundation.
I know your ordeal with Peter was horrible and having
that positive attention from Bo is like a salve on a
starving soul...and you've mentioned to me in the past
about not everyone's faith is like mine, not everyone
can be as "strong" or as anti-premarital-sex as I am.
And that makes me sad. Because I LOVE sex. I think
it's amazing and I can't wait until my day comes. But
I know how sullied it can get. I know how dirty you
can feel when someone you've shared yourself fully
with hurts you or walks away or seeks his pleasure in
another. I'm not saying Bo will do any of that...but
is that something we can be absolutely sure of?
Because truth be told, I don't know him in that arena
very well at all. You probably know him leaps and
bounds better than I now...and yet, that's only a
month of knowledge built up. We don't know that he
doesn't split after two months. Or split when he feels
trapped by things like commitment and about
responsibility.
So I'm sorry if you feel attacked or degraded. It's
not meant to be like that at all. But I just think of
myself in this situation...and I would be fully into
him by now, head over heels in love. I would be
planning weddings and our lives together. However much
we talked about "taking it slow" and "seeing where
this goes," I would say whatever I needed to say to
keep him around because I like how he looks at me, how
it feels for him to be near me, how he holds me, how I
feel invincible when we have sex...but in reality--I'd
be sending messages that my whole self, that I should
guard with my life until I'm married, is on display
for him. He can take and take what he wants--that I'm
going to give in to what he wants because if I put up
a fight, he might leave. And I wouldn't want that. I
KNOW that's how I would act. That's why I don't date,
Ashley. There have actually been opportunities--but
the guys haven't been what I'm looking for
spiritually. I want a Voddie Baucham, sold out for
Christ, man that's going to lead me on a path to
righteousness kind of man. I need someone to take
charge and tell me no sometimes. Someone to guard my
heart for me when I want nothing but to give it away.
But I know that now...and I know that I jump into
romance head-first, no qualms, no thoughts of
consequences. So I know that I can't handle innocuous
dating. My next romance will be headed to marriage
because I know I can't guard my heart from being
obliterated by playing the world's Dating Game. I
can't handle one-night stands. I can't handle fooling
around without commitment. I can't handle the
jealousies that overcome me when I know I love him,
but we're not married...so he can hang out with
whomever he wants and I have no real claim to him or
his time.
If you can keep your heart from getting broken through
all this, then go for it. I'm not saying he's going to
break your heart--but I am saying that no matter if
you guys are on the road to marriage, sex throws a
kink in things that's going to make the road very
rocky. It makes people distrustful. It makes people
jealous. It makes people do crazy things. It makes
people make time and place claims on the other person
that may not have been earned--but just assumed
because of steamy nights spent together.
So I love you. I want the very very best for you. I
hope from now on you'll at least consider using a
condom. I hope you'll regularly get tested for STD's.
I hope you'll turn to God for comfort, for
fulfillment, for purpose, for your future instead of
Bo. But I can't live your life for you. So just know
that no matter what I'm still here. I'm still praying
for you and I'll support you when you need me to--but
know that I'm not willing to compromise my moral
stands or what I believe just to make the two of you
feel more comfortable. The sermon Kevin preached
yesterday was about the adulterous woman about to be
stoned, yet Jesus said for the person who has not
sinned throw the first stone and the woman's accusers
left. I'm not throwing stones. I know I'm not perfect
and I mess up everyday. But I really feel like I'm on
a good path now--not without falls and faults, but
full of feeling God's presence and seeking His Truth.
So I tell you the things I see wrong with your
relationship to help you from falling. To help you
live the life you were created to live. Because we're
best friends and we help each other. And it's also
helping me from being around people that will cause my
own faith and calling to stumble.
Well, this dissertation is over. If you choose to be
mad and not speak to me, that's fine. Because I don't
regret saying any of it. I don't regret standing up
for what I believe and what I think you truly believe
deep down--but perhaps you're just not ready to put
that faith into action because looking into Bo's eyes
and feeling his touch just feels so good and so right.
If you choose to think this is none of my business,
that's fine. But I don't see it like that. I see it as
being on a dangerous precipice that just might get
more treacherous as the days go on and the two of you
get more involved.
So, yes, you're an adult. You make your own decisions.
I thank God you've got a job you're going to love and
you're essentially out on your own. And I know there
will be a time where you will "leave" me to join a
husband. But until that time I hope you will take my
words as coming from a true and honest place. A place
that has known you and loved you for years on end. A
place that hopes you'll see that maybe I can see
things clearer on the outside and you'll trust my
words over the whispers of passion.
So there you go. I love you. And if I have to take a
backseat to Bo, that's your decision. I'm not saying
you have to choose between us. Just make sure it's
what you truly want for yourself. It's who you want to
be and it's how you want to be seen. Because I can
still be a friend to both of you. I can keep my
concerns quieter, but I won't turn a blind eye to what
I see as two beautiful Christians turning their backs
on God's will. I think that would be an even greater
sin on my back and an even greater offense to God. But
I'm called to love no matter, so I shall.
me.
Tuesday, July 25, 2006
I'd like to take a selfish moment, if I could:
I just wanted Ashley to send me an email of pictures...but I guess she gets distracted from all outside connections when she's with Bo. Makes sense. I would too. But their total immersion scares me. I want the very very best for them and I really want them to prove me wrong and really MAKE IT.
But from where I stand now, the pressures of both their jobs and the distance will play a huge role in trying to deter them from each other. An extremely intimate bond has been formed and it'll be hard to cope when that bond has to find solace in phone calls, letters, emails and rushed drives across the state.
Father, give them peace. Bless them...help them put you first.
Why do I feel like I'm asking God to bless a sin that's blatantly against His name?
I just wanted Ashley to send me an email of pictures...but I guess she gets distracted from all outside connections when she's with Bo. Makes sense. I would too. But their total immersion scares me. I want the very very best for them and I really want them to prove me wrong and really MAKE IT.
But from where I stand now, the pressures of both their jobs and the distance will play a huge role in trying to deter them from each other. An extremely intimate bond has been formed and it'll be hard to cope when that bond has to find solace in phone calls, letters, emails and rushed drives across the state.
Father, give them peace. Bless them...help them put you first.
Why do I feel like I'm asking God to bless a sin that's blatantly against His name?
Friday, July 14, 2006
I just had a very sweet and heartwarming image of Reid's smiling and laughing face. It made me smile too.
Lord, please let me not put a man over my thoughts of you again. I don't want to screw this one up. I want you to be my light, my center and my guide.
I want you to bless and bring about any romance that may come upon the horizon.
Reid and Jamie invited me to a jazz thing last night at the Red Room in Westpark Walk where Martini's used to be. At first I was interested before I heard it was in Peachtree City. I apologized, but told them I'd be driving to Newnan tonight for the gathering and spending the night then going to a wedding with Ashley tomorrow, get my car cleaned by Bo and possibly being able to hang out with them Saturday night.
Reid texted me around the time of the start of the concert and said, "Didn't want to hang out with us?" "That's a long drive that I'm making tomorrow night too. I didn't know it meant that much to you or else I would have..." "Fine! Too late now, I am heart broken." "Please Reid...don't cry litte one. I still love you. Oh what can I do to make it up to you?" "Have to take a rain check I suppose." "How about I'll see you tomorrow at the gathering? Then perhaps on Saturday evening." "Not the same as the red room." "Now I really do feel bad...I'm sorry! I really do enjoy our time together. I'll definitely take a rain check! Have fun tonight."
Could be nothing...but it was heartwarming. It was nice to feel wanted and missed.
Lord, please let me not put a man over my thoughts of you again. I don't want to screw this one up. I want you to be my light, my center and my guide.
I want you to bless and bring about any romance that may come upon the horizon.
Reid and Jamie invited me to a jazz thing last night at the Red Room in Westpark Walk where Martini's used to be. At first I was interested before I heard it was in Peachtree City. I apologized, but told them I'd be driving to Newnan tonight for the gathering and spending the night then going to a wedding with Ashley tomorrow, get my car cleaned by Bo and possibly being able to hang out with them Saturday night.
Reid texted me around the time of the start of the concert and said, "Didn't want to hang out with us?" "That's a long drive that I'm making tomorrow night too. I didn't know it meant that much to you or else I would have..." "Fine! Too late now, I am heart broken." "Please Reid...don't cry litte one. I still love you. Oh what can I do to make it up to you?" "Have to take a rain check I suppose." "How about I'll see you tomorrow at the gathering? Then perhaps on Saturday evening." "Not the same as the red room." "Now I really do feel bad...I'm sorry! I really do enjoy our time together. I'll definitely take a rain check! Have fun tonight."
Could be nothing...but it was heartwarming. It was nice to feel wanted and missed.
2 Timothy 4:16-18 (New International Version)
16 At my first defense, no one came to my support, but everyone deserted me. May it not be held against them. 17 But the Lord stood at my side and gave me strength, so that through me the message might be fully proclaimed and all the Gentiles might hear it. And I was delivered from the lion's mouth. 18 The Lord will rescue me from every evil attack and will bring me safely to his heavenly kingdom. To him be glory for ever and ever. Amen.
One of the things I’ve learned as I’ve grown older is not to expect too much from people. It’s possible to pour a good deal of energy and love into a friend or family member and see no growth or receive no gratitude for our efforts. It’s even possible that others may receive credit for the work we’ve done.
If we expect everyone to recognize and appreciate what we have done for them, we will certainly be deeply hurt. We’ll start asking ourselves: “Is this all the thanks I get?”
It’s good in those times of disappointment to look at our motives. Do we have an unholy sense of entitlement, or a passion to be seen and applauded for our efforts? Can we give freely and allow others to take responsibility for their own responses? The apostle Paul went through times in his service for the Lord when everyone forsook him. Yet his focus was on the strength that God gave him “so that the message might be preached fully” through him (2 Timothy 4:16-17).
We should never expect to gain from others what only Jesus can give. To do so is to be utterly unrealistic. Our task is simply to give and leave the results to our Master, knowing that in time we will receive His reward: “Well done, good and faithful servant” (Matthew 25:21).
The service that we do for God
May go unpraised by men;
But when we stand before the Lord,
He will reward us then. —Sper
Work done well for Christ will receive a “well done” from Christ.
16 At my first defense, no one came to my support, but everyone deserted me. May it not be held against them. 17 But the Lord stood at my side and gave me strength, so that through me the message might be fully proclaimed and all the Gentiles might hear it. And I was delivered from the lion's mouth. 18 The Lord will rescue me from every evil attack and will bring me safely to his heavenly kingdom. To him be glory for ever and ever. Amen.
One of the things I’ve learned as I’ve grown older is not to expect too much from people. It’s possible to pour a good deal of energy and love into a friend or family member and see no growth or receive no gratitude for our efforts. It’s even possible that others may receive credit for the work we’ve done.
If we expect everyone to recognize and appreciate what we have done for them, we will certainly be deeply hurt. We’ll start asking ourselves: “Is this all the thanks I get?”
It’s good in those times of disappointment to look at our motives. Do we have an unholy sense of entitlement, or a passion to be seen and applauded for our efforts? Can we give freely and allow others to take responsibility for their own responses? The apostle Paul went through times in his service for the Lord when everyone forsook him. Yet his focus was on the strength that God gave him “so that the message might be preached fully” through him (2 Timothy 4:16-17).
We should never expect to gain from others what only Jesus can give. To do so is to be utterly unrealistic. Our task is simply to give and leave the results to our Master, knowing that in time we will receive His reward: “Well done, good and faithful servant” (Matthew 25:21).
The service that we do for God
May go unpraised by men;
But when we stand before the Lord,
He will reward us then. —Sper
Work done well for Christ will receive a “well done” from Christ.
Hebrews 11:1-7
1Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. 2This is what the ancients were commended for.
3By faith we understand that the universe was formed at God's command, so that what is seen was not made out of what was visible. 4By faith Abel offered God a better sacrifice than Cain did. By faith he was commended as a righteous man, when God spoke well of his offerings. And by faith he still speaks, even though he is dead.
5By faith Enoch was taken from this life, so that he did not experience death; he could not be found, because God had taken him away. For before he was taken, he was commended as one who pleased God. 6And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him.
7By faith Noah, when warned about things not yet seen, in holy fear built an ark to save his family. By his faith he condemned the world and became heir of the righteousness that comes by faith.
So let our lips and lives express
The holy gospel we profess;
So let our works and virtues shine
To prove the doctrine all divine. —Watts
How easy it is to be critical of the sins of others. But how much more powerful to demonstrate the grace and righteousness of our God by living for Him.
Commit your way to the Lord, trust also in Him, and He shall bring it to pass —Psalm 37:5
Don’t plan with a rainy day in mind. You cannot hoard things for a rainy day if you are truly trusting Christ. Jesus said, "Let not your heart be troubled . . ." (John 14:1). God will not keep your heart from being troubled. It is a command— "Let not. . . ." To do it, continually pick yourself up, even if you fall a hundred and one times a day, until you get into the habit of putting God first and planning with Him in mind.
1Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. 2This is what the ancients were commended for.
3By faith we understand that the universe was formed at God's command, so that what is seen was not made out of what was visible. 4By faith Abel offered God a better sacrifice than Cain did. By faith he was commended as a righteous man, when God spoke well of his offerings. And by faith he still speaks, even though he is dead.
5By faith Enoch was taken from this life, so that he did not experience death; he could not be found, because God had taken him away. For before he was taken, he was commended as one who pleased God. 6And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him.
7By faith Noah, when warned about things not yet seen, in holy fear built an ark to save his family. By his faith he condemned the world and became heir of the righteousness that comes by faith.
So let our lips and lives express
The holy gospel we profess;
So let our works and virtues shine
To prove the doctrine all divine. —Watts
How easy it is to be critical of the sins of others. But how much more powerful to demonstrate the grace and righteousness of our God by living for Him.
Commit your way to the Lord, trust also in Him, and He shall bring it to pass —Psalm 37:5
Don’t plan with a rainy day in mind. You cannot hoard things for a rainy day if you are truly trusting Christ. Jesus said, "Let not your heart be troubled . . ." (John 14:1). God will not keep your heart from being troubled. It is a command— "Let not. . . ." To do it, continually pick yourself up, even if you fall a hundred and one times a day, until you get into the habit of putting God first and planning with Him in mind.
Date: Thu, 13 Jul 2006 17:12:11 -0700 (PDT)
From: "Anna" Subject: as I'm sitting in the Vinings library...
To: "Jamie" , "Reid", "Bo", "Ashley" , "Jenny" , "Emlet" , "Derek" , "Joe" , "Beth", "Susan", "Caryn", "Chris B"
I opened an email from The Voice of the Martyrs--a thing I got hooked up with while I was in Ireland and with which I have since kept up. It's about the persecuted church throughout the world and they send out weekly emails of persecuted Christians that I can specifically pray for.
Well, I've been quite caught up lately so I haven't been reading these updates, so I opened the one from today and this is what it opened with...a verse that I've known for the span of my Christian walk...and part of it was even the verse for Reinhardt, but it's still good to be reminded:
"Have you not known?
Have you not heard?
The everlasting God, the LORD,
The Creator of the ends of the earth,
Neither faints nor is weary.
His understanding is unsearchable.
He gives power to the weak,
And to those who have no might He increases strength.
Even the youths shall faint and be weary,
And the young men shall utterly fall,
But those who wait on the LORD
Shall renew their strength;
They shall mount up with wings like eagles,
They shall run and not be weary,
They shall walk and not faint."
(Isaiah 40:28-31)
That's powerful!!! "For those who wait of the Lord shall renew their strength..."
So I shall wait on the Lord. As has become my new mantra: I choose to be single and on my own and be in God's will and approval rather than be with the wrong person, trying to make it under my own volition, and under God's disappointment.
It's a beautiful place to be, where I am now. I've met several mountains lately: my dad, whom I had made peace with his disappearance and assumed death, reappearing after four years, having lived in Atlanta the whole time. My mom announcing that she's moving to Missouri to live with my older sister and her family (therefore setting me on my way to have to either move to Columbus and find a new job or find a place of my own near my current job). Someone who had been quite distant came back into proximity, making me have to be ever vigilant on my thought life and idle time. And then two of my closest and dear friends decided that they saw in each other what I've seen in both of them individually--so a couple they now are.
I won't say that the past 3 weeks has been easy. There were even a few days there where I couldn't do anything but cry, moan, and not be able to form words or even coherent thoughts for prayers. I couldn't eat nor could I sleep. It was the valley. But throughout it all, my God has been patient, steady and ever-present. "His understanding is unsearchable. He gives power to the weak." His understanding really is unsearchable. He really does give power to the weak. He's given me the strength to forgive my dad instantly...now trust takes a while to build back up, but forgiveness was instantaneous. I asked God for understanding, and he gave me forgiveness (with a lot of help, called Truth, from my dear friends--and Bo can be credited with that one).
I've been with my mom my whole life. We depend on each other. Now we're parting ways. I asked God for direction and He gave me a peace to know that I should stay at my current job and the knowledge that I should talk to my coworker Jill because she is also planning on moving close to work in September (when my current lease is up). Thank you Lord Jesus--we found a place 4.8 miles from work and we're signing the lease tomorrow.
The distant person coming back into the picture has just made me cling to my Lord even closer, and He has given me a peace that even though I know not what the future holds, I know Who holds today. I know who I can trust and talk to and count on forever...and humans pale in comparison.
And my last mountain of the past couple of weeks is between me and my now dating friends. It hasn't been easy and I'll respect their privacy and my own and spare the details. But because God is faithful, we've all been able to find a new balance between our friendships and dating lives. It hasn't been easy and we have to take each day one at a time...but the beauty lies in the fact that God has given me truly wonderful and Godly friends. Both the dating ones, the local ones and definitely you that are afar! Friends that saw I was hurting and instead of following their own selfish agenda, reached out to see how they could help me before helping themselves. God has truly blessed each of these moments. These friends really sought to see what I was feeling and wanted to help. They wanted to put our friendship before their romance. That means a lot. That was God's face shining through human flesh.
I really only came into the library to A) get out of the house...I was restless!, B) use the computer and internet because my own is dead, and C) send Jamie an email I promised earlier. I don't really know what has spawned this email, but here it is. Here is my heart.
I really feel like for the first time in my life I get it. I get that God's ways are always better than mine. His agenda, his timetable, his will, his whispers, his SHOUTS, his proddings, his moments in my quiet time are ALWAYS better than what I could come up with on my own. I get that my quiet time throughout the day makes the world of difference. I get that I really have been given a gift by God and I should no longer shy away from it when he requests its presence. I get that impromptu praying for anyone, everyone, anything and everything is beautiful. It doesn't have to be eloquent, planned, more than a couple of words or beautiful. I get that each day could be my last--there's no point in being angry, in being petty, in being selfish or being caught up in worldly lust and longings. I get that God's face is my radiant end, my goal. Through him I have found true redemption and meaning. May his name be praised because of where I am now and to see the road I've journeyed on to get here.
So I guess this is just a thanksgiving of praise. Thanks to my friends, thanks for your prayers, thanks for your patience, thanks for your time, thanks for your forgiveness, thanks for your steadfastness. Thanks be to God for His hand on my life. I feel it now more than ever.
So, thanks. I love you all. For those far away, I miss you. For those close, thanks for putting up with me lately. But definitely for all of you, you've made me what I am today. You've been a stepping stone, placed by God, in my life and who knows where I would have fallen along the way without you.
And I'm officially being kicked out of the library...my session can only be renewed once and I've already done that. So I guess I should be along my way now, just wanted to let you all know what's on my heart.
love, anna
From: "Anna" Subject: as I'm sitting in the Vinings library...
To: "Jamie" , "Reid", "Bo", "Ashley" , "Jenny" , "Emlet" , "Derek" , "Joe" , "Beth", "Susan", "Caryn", "Chris B"
I opened an email from The Voice of the Martyrs--a thing I got hooked up with while I was in Ireland and with which I have since kept up. It's about the persecuted church throughout the world and they send out weekly emails of persecuted Christians that I can specifically pray for.
Well, I've been quite caught up lately so I haven't been reading these updates, so I opened the one from today and this is what it opened with...a verse that I've known for the span of my Christian walk...and part of it was even the verse for Reinhardt, but it's still good to be reminded:
"Have you not known?
Have you not heard?
The everlasting God, the LORD,
The Creator of the ends of the earth,
Neither faints nor is weary.
His understanding is unsearchable.
He gives power to the weak,
And to those who have no might He increases strength.
Even the youths shall faint and be weary,
And the young men shall utterly fall,
But those who wait on the LORD
Shall renew their strength;
They shall mount up with wings like eagles,
They shall run and not be weary,
They shall walk and not faint."
(Isaiah 40:28-31)
That's powerful!!! "For those who wait of the Lord shall renew their strength..."
So I shall wait on the Lord. As has become my new mantra: I choose to be single and on my own and be in God's will and approval rather than be with the wrong person, trying to make it under my own volition, and under God's disappointment.
It's a beautiful place to be, where I am now. I've met several mountains lately: my dad, whom I had made peace with his disappearance and assumed death, reappearing after four years, having lived in Atlanta the whole time. My mom announcing that she's moving to Missouri to live with my older sister and her family (therefore setting me on my way to have to either move to Columbus and find a new job or find a place of my own near my current job). Someone who had been quite distant came back into proximity, making me have to be ever vigilant on my thought life and idle time. And then two of my closest and dear friends decided that they saw in each other what I've seen in both of them individually--so a couple they now are.
I won't say that the past 3 weeks has been easy. There were even a few days there where I couldn't do anything but cry, moan, and not be able to form words or even coherent thoughts for prayers. I couldn't eat nor could I sleep. It was the valley. But throughout it all, my God has been patient, steady and ever-present. "His understanding is unsearchable. He gives power to the weak." His understanding really is unsearchable. He really does give power to the weak. He's given me the strength to forgive my dad instantly...now trust takes a while to build back up, but forgiveness was instantaneous. I asked God for understanding, and he gave me forgiveness (with a lot of help, called Truth, from my dear friends--and Bo can be credited with that one).
I've been with my mom my whole life. We depend on each other. Now we're parting ways. I asked God for direction and He gave me a peace to know that I should stay at my current job and the knowledge that I should talk to my coworker Jill because she is also planning on moving close to work in September (when my current lease is up). Thank you Lord Jesus--we found a place 4.8 miles from work and we're signing the lease tomorrow.
The distant person coming back into the picture has just made me cling to my Lord even closer, and He has given me a peace that even though I know not what the future holds, I know Who holds today. I know who I can trust and talk to and count on forever...and humans pale in comparison.
And my last mountain of the past couple of weeks is between me and my now dating friends. It hasn't been easy and I'll respect their privacy and my own and spare the details. But because God is faithful, we've all been able to find a new balance between our friendships and dating lives. It hasn't been easy and we have to take each day one at a time...but the beauty lies in the fact that God has given me truly wonderful and Godly friends. Both the dating ones, the local ones and definitely you that are afar! Friends that saw I was hurting and instead of following their own selfish agenda, reached out to see how they could help me before helping themselves. God has truly blessed each of these moments. These friends really sought to see what I was feeling and wanted to help. They wanted to put our friendship before their romance. That means a lot. That was God's face shining through human flesh.
I really only came into the library to A) get out of the house...I was restless!, B) use the computer and internet because my own is dead, and C) send Jamie an email I promised earlier. I don't really know what has spawned this email, but here it is. Here is my heart.
I really feel like for the first time in my life I get it. I get that God's ways are always better than mine. His agenda, his timetable, his will, his whispers, his SHOUTS, his proddings, his moments in my quiet time are ALWAYS better than what I could come up with on my own. I get that my quiet time throughout the day makes the world of difference. I get that I really have been given a gift by God and I should no longer shy away from it when he requests its presence. I get that impromptu praying for anyone, everyone, anything and everything is beautiful. It doesn't have to be eloquent, planned, more than a couple of words or beautiful. I get that each day could be my last--there's no point in being angry, in being petty, in being selfish or being caught up in worldly lust and longings. I get that God's face is my radiant end, my goal. Through him I have found true redemption and meaning. May his name be praised because of where I am now and to see the road I've journeyed on to get here.
So I guess this is just a thanksgiving of praise. Thanks to my friends, thanks for your prayers, thanks for your patience, thanks for your time, thanks for your forgiveness, thanks for your steadfastness. Thanks be to God for His hand on my life. I feel it now more than ever.
So, thanks. I love you all. For those far away, I miss you. For those close, thanks for putting up with me lately. But definitely for all of you, you've made me what I am today. You've been a stepping stone, placed by God, in my life and who knows where I would have fallen along the way without you.
And I'm officially being kicked out of the library...my session can only be renewed once and I've already done that. So I guess I should be along my way now, just wanted to let you all know what's on my heart.
love, anna
Thursday, July 13, 2006
I guess I should write this for Ashley, because I said I would. It pains me that things can't just be simple and easy...but when I feel convicted and when I feel God's presence in a situation, I just can't ignore it, however much easier it would be to do so.
I heard the voice of God Tuesday night, July 11, 2006. I thought I was still awake, lamp on, TV on, phone on--and I heard a voice tell me that I've done all I can do, I should trust Him and worry not. I was not, however, awake, the lamp was off, the TV silenced and my phone powered down. I then dreamt that I texted my voice-vision to Reid.
When I awoke on Wednesday...after God granted my request for sleep, for I just couldn't handle another nightmare-laden evening thinking I was losing two of my very closest friends...I turned my phone on and saw that I had two voicemails and 4 texts. One text was from Jeremy about work, another from Reid telling me goodnight, one from Jamie telling me that when I thanked her for putting up with me, she said it wasn't putting up with me--that she truly enjoyed being a real friend, and then this:
Reid (12:03 a.m.):
Really though. What more can yo do? You have given them advice and friendship and now it is up to them to decide the right choice. Continue to give advice when they ask, but apart from that it is out of your hands. God has a plan for it all including your involvement in it.
The voicemails were from Ashley. Gosh that was a hard night. It's been a hard two weeks. I don't have all the answers. But I do know that God is with me every step of the way. He feels my pangs of loss, confusion, jealousy, abandonment, apprehension about the future...and He desperately tries to quieten my soul if I'll only let Him. The Peace That Passes Understanding. My bridegroom. The only thing I can trust implicitly, explicitly. The only One I can store my hopes and dreams in.
But I'll be honest...it's not all roses and sunshine. I don't want to have to share Bo or Ashley. I don't want to see them get hurt. I don't want Ashley and I's lives to drift apart like they did in college. She's the softer part of me that I can't let go. But I take a deep breath. I ask God to fill all these doubts with His love, His plan and just to let me Trust Him.
Trust.
Trust.
Trust.
Pray.
I heard the voice of God Tuesday night, July 11, 2006. I thought I was still awake, lamp on, TV on, phone on--and I heard a voice tell me that I've done all I can do, I should trust Him and worry not. I was not, however, awake, the lamp was off, the TV silenced and my phone powered down. I then dreamt that I texted my voice-vision to Reid.
When I awoke on Wednesday...after God granted my request for sleep, for I just couldn't handle another nightmare-laden evening thinking I was losing two of my very closest friends...I turned my phone on and saw that I had two voicemails and 4 texts. One text was from Jeremy about work, another from Reid telling me goodnight, one from Jamie telling me that when I thanked her for putting up with me, she said it wasn't putting up with me--that she truly enjoyed being a real friend, and then this:
Reid (12:03 a.m.):
Really though. What more can yo do? You have given them advice and friendship and now it is up to them to decide the right choice. Continue to give advice when they ask, but apart from that it is out of your hands. God has a plan for it all including your involvement in it.
The voicemails were from Ashley. Gosh that was a hard night. It's been a hard two weeks. I don't have all the answers. But I do know that God is with me every step of the way. He feels my pangs of loss, confusion, jealousy, abandonment, apprehension about the future...and He desperately tries to quieten my soul if I'll only let Him. The Peace That Passes Understanding. My bridegroom. The only thing I can trust implicitly, explicitly. The only One I can store my hopes and dreams in.
But I'll be honest...it's not all roses and sunshine. I don't want to have to share Bo or Ashley. I don't want to see them get hurt. I don't want Ashley and I's lives to drift apart like they did in college. She's the softer part of me that I can't let go. But I take a deep breath. I ask God to fill all these doubts with His love, His plan and just to let me Trust Him.
Trust.
Trust.
Trust.
Pray.
Wednesday, June 28, 2006
“Very few things honor and glorify God more than the sweet fragrance of a thankful soul. It expels gloom and ushers in sweet peace and blessed hope. Gratitude encourages graciousness.”
We thank You, Lord, for blessings
You give us on our way;
May we for these be grateful,
And praise You every day. —Roworth
It’s good to give thanks to God.
— you are not some special being created in heaven, but a sinner saved by grace.
We thank You, Lord, for blessings
You give us on our way;
May we for these be grateful,
And praise You every day. —Roworth
It’s good to give thanks to God.
— you are not some special being created in heaven, but a sinner saved by grace.
Date: Wed, 28 Jun 2006 09:15:56 -0400
From: "Jenny"
To: "Anna"
Subject: Re: Well, now that's what I can an evening of excitement
Wow, that's a lot of emotion to go through in such a short period of time. I'm glad you're ok, and I'm glad you're seeing God in this. I'm going to go ahead and be that girl and bring up Bible Discussion in Isle Au Haut yesterday where we talked about the prodigal son... Luke 15, it's worth reading over.
Let me know what I can pray for.
My response:
Date: Wed, 28 Jun 2006 06:50:18 -0700 (PDT)
From: "Anna"
Subject: Re: Well, now that's what I can an evening of excitement
To: "Jenny"
Thanks. I feel good. Really good and positive. So
that's nice.
I have a blog that I keep as a journal/prayer list and
this is what I wrote yesterday--it'll give you a Reid
update. The texts are between me and Jamie, Reid's
sister. I'll put explanations in parentheses.
Text messaging
Me (june 26, 11:40 pm): Love you too. It just seems
like when it rains, it pours. Pardon the storm and
rain joke (it stormed all weekend here in the ATL).
I've just got a lot of praying to do. I'm extremely
nervous for your brother to be home in the fact that I
don't know if these thoughts of him have been made up
by me, which has happened before, or if it's really of
God. If it's of me, then I'm mad at myself for not
sticking to my year commitment. I really just want to
guard my heart. Then there's Ashley (my best friend
whom Jamie also know from high school and we're all
working a spiritual retreat together called Chrysalis
not this weekend but the next)'s future and faith to
pray for. Then my former and only love Joe (Joe, the
Joe you don't know but you feel like you do) called
and he's having a hard time with the fact that his
fiancee doesn't seem to want to plan a wedding anytime
soon...then there's my Bible study ladies. Then
Chrysalis (aforementioned spiritual retreat) and Bo (a
good friend that I met at youth group at my old
church--he's a grumpy old man too, but he's been
really good to me--see email from this morning)'s job
situation. And you and your family...but God is good,
faithful and perfect.
Jamie (june 27, 11:47 am): I just wanted you to know I
prayed for you. Also, about the Reid thing, I think
all you can do is let go and let God and hope that
Reid will do the same. You said before that him being
the head [is the most important] that you have to wait
and let him decide, but maybe rather than fretting
about it you should just be his friend and trust that
God will take care of the rest if it's to happen. If
not, He might have someone else wonderful planned for
you.
Me (june 27, 12:50 pm): Thanks! Just got your message.
And I completely agree. I've let it go. I can only be
who I am and if he's interested, great. If not, well,
I have my God and really, that's where my comfort and
future lie. Thanks for being such a good influence on
me.
_____________end blog_________________
So, I've really found a peace. My heart is calm and I
feel completely pulled into Christ and everything else
has faded edges. Of course I still want a whirlwind
romance with Reid, and sure I'll probably be a bit
disappointed if it doesn't happen--but my timetable
and agenda is nothing compared to His and I really
don't want to try to compete.
thanks friend for all that you are and all that you
mean to me.
love, anna
From: "Jenny"
To: "Anna"
Subject: Re: Well, now that's what I can an evening of excitement
Wow, that's a lot of emotion to go through in such a short period of time. I'm glad you're ok, and I'm glad you're seeing God in this. I'm going to go ahead and be that girl and bring up Bible Discussion in Isle Au Haut yesterday where we talked about the prodigal son... Luke 15, it's worth reading over.
Let me know what I can pray for.
My response:
Date: Wed, 28 Jun 2006 06:50:18 -0700 (PDT)
From: "Anna"
Subject: Re: Well, now that's what I can an evening of excitement
To: "Jenny"
Thanks. I feel good. Really good and positive. So
that's nice.
I have a blog that I keep as a journal/prayer list and
this is what I wrote yesterday--it'll give you a Reid
update. The texts are between me and Jamie, Reid's
sister. I'll put explanations in parentheses.
Text messaging
Me (june 26, 11:40 pm): Love you too. It just seems
like when it rains, it pours. Pardon the storm and
rain joke (it stormed all weekend here in the ATL).
I've just got a lot of praying to do. I'm extremely
nervous for your brother to be home in the fact that I
don't know if these thoughts of him have been made up
by me, which has happened before, or if it's really of
God. If it's of me, then I'm mad at myself for not
sticking to my year commitment. I really just want to
guard my heart. Then there's Ashley (my best friend
whom Jamie also know from high school and we're all
working a spiritual retreat together called Chrysalis
not this weekend but the next)'s future and faith to
pray for. Then my former and only love Joe (Joe, the
Joe you don't know but you feel like you do) called
and he's having a hard time with the fact that his
fiancee doesn't seem to want to plan a wedding anytime
soon...then there's my Bible study ladies. Then
Chrysalis (aforementioned spiritual retreat) and Bo (a
good friend that I met at youth group at my old
church--he's a grumpy old man too, but he's been
really good to me--see email from this morning)'s job
situation. And you and your family...but God is good,
faithful and perfect.
Jamie (june 27, 11:47 am): I just wanted you to know I
prayed for you. Also, about the Reid thing, I think
all you can do is let go and let God and hope that
Reid will do the same. You said before that him being
the head [is the most important] that you have to wait
and let him decide, but maybe rather than fretting
about it you should just be his friend and trust that
God will take care of the rest if it's to happen. If
not, He might have someone else wonderful planned for
you.
Me (june 27, 12:50 pm): Thanks! Just got your message.
And I completely agree. I've let it go. I can only be
who I am and if he's interested, great. If not, well,
I have my God and really, that's where my comfort and
future lie. Thanks for being such a good influence on
me.
_____________end blog_________________
So, I've really found a peace. My heart is calm and I
feel completely pulled into Christ and everything else
has faded edges. Of course I still want a whirlwind
romance with Reid, and sure I'll probably be a bit
disappointed if it doesn't happen--but my timetable
and agenda is nothing compared to His and I really
don't want to try to compete.
thanks friend for all that you are and all that you
mean to me.
love, anna
Re: Well, now that's what I can an evening of excitement
So I just was doing my daily reading and thought you
all might enjoy this little tidbit (especially verse
13):
Colossians 3:12-17 (New International Version)
12 Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly
loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness,
humility, gentleness and patience. 13 Bear with each
other and forgive whatever grievances you may have
against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.
14 And over all these virtues put on love, which binds
them all together in perfect unity.
15 Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since
as members of one body you were called to peace. And
be thankful. 16 Let the word of Christ dwell in you
richly as you teach and admonish one another with all
wisdom, and as you sing psalms, hymns and spiritual
songs with gratitude in your hearts to God. 17 And
whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in
the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the
Father through him.
So I just was doing my daily reading and thought you
all might enjoy this little tidbit (especially verse
13):
Colossians 3:12-17 (New International Version)
12 Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly
loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness,
humility, gentleness and patience. 13 Bear with each
other and forgive whatever grievances you may have
against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.
14 And over all these virtues put on love, which binds
them all together in perfect unity.
15 Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since
as members of one body you were called to peace. And
be thankful. 16 Let the word of Christ dwell in you
richly as you teach and admonish one another with all
wisdom, and as you sing psalms, hymns and spiritual
songs with gratitude in your hearts to God. 17 And
whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in
the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the
Father through him.
Date: Wed, 28 Jun 2006 05:51:51 -0700 (PDT)
From: "Anna"
Subject: Well, now that's what I can an evening of excitement
To: Jamie, Ashley, Joe, Caryn, Bo, Jay
CC: Buzz, Jenny, Emlet, Susan
Well, I'm at work now and actually have things that
need to get done by that 9 am deadline (it's a 9 am
deadline Jay, can you believe it?)
Right, well, I just want to thank you all for being so
supportive last night. I momentarily lost a grasp on
reality seeing that as I thought my dad was dead, when
in all actuality he's been living in midtown Atlanta
this whole time.
I was hurt, shocked, strangely relieved, scared, etc
etc etc--a whole gamut of emotions was upon me when he
called. I spoke with all of you over text or actually
speaking (and then I CC'd some people on here, so,
yeah, you can figure out who you are)--and some were
angry along with me, some were mystified with me, some
were speechless. And that's great--because I was at
all times all of those things.
Then right before I was going to sleep I decided to
text dear ole Bo and tell him the happenings of the
night--normally, I wouldn't have because he's a recent
addition to my life (yes, I like to refer to friends
as my own personal accessories, hope that's ok) and he
doesn't know my Sex, Drugs and Rock and Roll years and
trying to explain to someone that my dad showed up
after 4 years of being completely missing and absent
would have proven to be difficult. However, Bo and I
had a chance to speak a little bit frankly while at a
real classy birthday party on Saturday night--classy
as in we were able to talk between fireworks being
aimed at people, the neighbor's bushes catching on
fire, a fiery shot hitting the neighbors house, little
kids running around drunk people with incendiary
devices, completely and utterly drunk people thinking
they were Ladies of the Night and other such classy
party accoutrement. Right, well, Bo is a man that
puts family above all and I guess never really
understood the rift between my sisters and then when I
told him my dad had been missing for 4 years, he was
mystified (am I allowed to use mystified twice in one
email? Is that too creepy? Perhaps I'll use
befuddled.) Yes, he was befuddled.
Well, back to the point. I texted him that my dad
called and is apparently alive and well. He texted
back "Cooool!" My response was less than pleasant. I
don't have to directly quote myself here because,
well, this is my email and I can paint myself in
whatever light I choose :). His next response was,
"Yeah, but he's still your dad!"
I promptly called him and with a righteous indignation
tried to convey the many reasons I shouldn't and
wouldn't be excited or welcoming of the re-entrance of
my dad in my life. He was having none of it, and
perhaps in a tone I took as rude, he simply stated
that family is family and you can't live in the past.
My dad's back in my life now and there is absolutely
nothing that can be done to frost over the Bad Years.
I've found peace about All Of That, I've grown and
I've done nothing but grow closer to God and my
friends because of it. So, why try to reopen those
wounds? Why try to get answers out of a freshly turned
62-year-old man? He's my dad, Bo, you're right. I
would just be acting like a bitter, jaded teenager if
I refused his request to reappear. I would carry my
hurt and pain like a albatross, or perhaps a trophy,
showing how righteous I am--when in actuality, he's my
dad and as he said on the phone, his mom's dead, his
sister won't speak with him and neither will his uncle
(who's very close to his age.) I'm the only family
he's got. And if in his position, would I want to be
left alone by my only child? Unable to close the door
on the past and move on? Indeed I would not.
So by the grace of God I feel amazing this morning and
I'm ready to move forward. So, I'm thinking of getting
a big group together to go out to eat and invite my
dad. You're all invited. I think it'd be fun.
And a sincere apology goes out to my friend and pal
Buzz. He called last night in the middle of all
this and I didn't have the energy to talk or perhaps
even be friendly. So, Chris, I'm sorry, and I'll call
you tonight when I get off work.
Thanks again to all of you. You mean the world.
love, anna
From: "Anna"
Subject: Well, now that's what I can an evening of excitement
To: Jamie, Ashley, Joe, Caryn, Bo, Jay
CC: Buzz, Jenny, Emlet, Susan
Well, I'm at work now and actually have things that
need to get done by that 9 am deadline (it's a 9 am
deadline Jay, can you believe it?)
Right, well, I just want to thank you all for being so
supportive last night. I momentarily lost a grasp on
reality seeing that as I thought my dad was dead, when
in all actuality he's been living in midtown Atlanta
this whole time.
I was hurt, shocked, strangely relieved, scared, etc
etc etc--a whole gamut of emotions was upon me when he
called. I spoke with all of you over text or actually
speaking (and then I CC'd some people on here, so,
yeah, you can figure out who you are)--and some were
angry along with me, some were mystified with me, some
were speechless. And that's great--because I was at
all times all of those things.
Then right before I was going to sleep I decided to
text dear ole Bo and tell him the happenings of the
night--normally, I wouldn't have because he's a recent
addition to my life (yes, I like to refer to friends
as my own personal accessories, hope that's ok) and he
doesn't know my Sex, Drugs and Rock and Roll years and
trying to explain to someone that my dad showed up
after 4 years of being completely missing and absent
would have proven to be difficult. However, Bo and I
had a chance to speak a little bit frankly while at a
real classy birthday party on Saturday night--classy
as in we were able to talk between fireworks being
aimed at people, the neighbor's bushes catching on
fire, a fiery shot hitting the neighbors house, little
kids running around drunk people with incendiary
devices, completely and utterly drunk people thinking
they were Ladies of the Night and other such classy
party accoutrement. Right, well, Bo is a man that
puts family above all and I guess never really
understood the rift between my sisters and then when I
told him my dad had been missing for 4 years, he was
mystified (am I allowed to use mystified twice in one
email? Is that too creepy? Perhaps I'll use
befuddled.) Yes, he was befuddled.
Well, back to the point. I texted him that my dad
called and is apparently alive and well. He texted
back "Cooool!" My response was less than pleasant. I
don't have to directly quote myself here because,
well, this is my email and I can paint myself in
whatever light I choose :). His next response was,
"Yeah, but he's still your dad!"
I promptly called him and with a righteous indignation
tried to convey the many reasons I shouldn't and
wouldn't be excited or welcoming of the re-entrance of
my dad in my life. He was having none of it, and
perhaps in a tone I took as rude, he simply stated
that family is family and you can't live in the past.
My dad's back in my life now and there is absolutely
nothing that can be done to frost over the Bad Years.
I've found peace about All Of That, I've grown and
I've done nothing but grow closer to God and my
friends because of it. So, why try to reopen those
wounds? Why try to get answers out of a freshly turned
62-year-old man? He's my dad, Bo, you're right. I
would just be acting like a bitter, jaded teenager if
I refused his request to reappear. I would carry my
hurt and pain like a albatross, or perhaps a trophy,
showing how righteous I am--when in actuality, he's my
dad and as he said on the phone, his mom's dead, his
sister won't speak with him and neither will his uncle
(who's very close to his age.) I'm the only family
he's got. And if in his position, would I want to be
left alone by my only child? Unable to close the door
on the past and move on? Indeed I would not.
So by the grace of God I feel amazing this morning and
I'm ready to move forward. So, I'm thinking of getting
a big group together to go out to eat and invite my
dad. You're all invited. I think it'd be fun.
And a sincere apology goes out to my friend and pal
Buzz. He called last night in the middle of all
this and I didn't have the energy to talk or perhaps
even be friendly. So, Chris, I'm sorry, and I'll call
you tonight when I get off work.
Thanks again to all of you. You mean the world.
love, anna
Tuesday, June 27, 2006
thanks be to God
thanks be to God for opening my eyes to true worship. thank you for your love that breaks my ties that bind. thank you for taking me just as I am. I don't have to achieve some level or understand just the next point to be "ok" in your eyes.
thank you for my 20-year-elder for saying, "strange how we've become the women we never wanted to be." thank you for that comfort. obviously they never wanted to become older and single...thank you for recognizing that I was pitying them and somehow looking down on them when I am no better. I don't miraculously have a better life lined up. I'm just the same as them. we're all redeemed and loved and have a purpose.
please don't let me become withdrawn and bitter. let me live each day to its fullest. each day reflecting your light and glory and love and life.
I only want to live the life you've got planned for me. I was to be obedient and submissive to your Call. Father, I completely give over to you my Reid fascination. I am no longer bound by a condemnation over each and every thought...when they come, Lord, I just want to bring them to you. Each and every one. I want to bring them to you, and only by Your Power will I be able to make small steps back into being right with you concerning all my thoughts and dreams. I am no longer held under the power of fear of the future. If Reid is the one you've chosen for me, terrific. You are mighty and you will make that happen. If Reid isn't the one, then I hand him over to you. I am not responsible for fretting or worrying or being scared of doing and saying the right thing to fit into whatever mold I think he has for me.
I am who I am, in you. I say what I say, Lord, and I want it all to be In You. I live my life, step by step, in Your Light and Your Grace. Help me become a Proverbs 31 woman. I want to have a humble, servant's heart. I want to feel Your Beauty inside of me and I want to reflect that to others.
God, please be in me. Be my first thought when I wake and be my last thought before sleep. Help me break the bonds of habits and patterns. You are the ultimate life changer.
You know the hair count on my head. Help me to trust in your will for the day and for my life. I honestly and truly only want to be in Your Will. My hopes and dreams are still alive and well; You know them. But let me not be controlled by them. Let me align those hopes and dreams with your Line. Help me hear your voice more clearly. Help me discern your Yes, your No and your Wait. And no matter your answer, give me peace and a hope for the rest of my days.
Thank you for all you've done. Thank you for how you're changing me. Thank you for forgiving me. Thank you for being a very real father for me. Thank you for your rules and guidelines and most importantly, thank you for your love.
Thank you for Hope. Thank you for Peace. Thank you for Your word spoken through other people, especially my friends. Thank you for bringing those good for me into my life. Thank you for taking the sting out of my bite. Thank you for exposing me to those I formerly scoffed. Thank you making me grow.
thanks be to God for opening my eyes to true worship. thank you for your love that breaks my ties that bind. thank you for taking me just as I am. I don't have to achieve some level or understand just the next point to be "ok" in your eyes.
thank you for my 20-year-elder for saying, "strange how we've become the women we never wanted to be." thank you for that comfort. obviously they never wanted to become older and single...thank you for recognizing that I was pitying them and somehow looking down on them when I am no better. I don't miraculously have a better life lined up. I'm just the same as them. we're all redeemed and loved and have a purpose.
please don't let me become withdrawn and bitter. let me live each day to its fullest. each day reflecting your light and glory and love and life.
I only want to live the life you've got planned for me. I was to be obedient and submissive to your Call. Father, I completely give over to you my Reid fascination. I am no longer bound by a condemnation over each and every thought...when they come, Lord, I just want to bring them to you. Each and every one. I want to bring them to you, and only by Your Power will I be able to make small steps back into being right with you concerning all my thoughts and dreams. I am no longer held under the power of fear of the future. If Reid is the one you've chosen for me, terrific. You are mighty and you will make that happen. If Reid isn't the one, then I hand him over to you. I am not responsible for fretting or worrying or being scared of doing and saying the right thing to fit into whatever mold I think he has for me.
I am who I am, in you. I say what I say, Lord, and I want it all to be In You. I live my life, step by step, in Your Light and Your Grace. Help me become a Proverbs 31 woman. I want to have a humble, servant's heart. I want to feel Your Beauty inside of me and I want to reflect that to others.
God, please be in me. Be my first thought when I wake and be my last thought before sleep. Help me break the bonds of habits and patterns. You are the ultimate life changer.
You know the hair count on my head. Help me to trust in your will for the day and for my life. I honestly and truly only want to be in Your Will. My hopes and dreams are still alive and well; You know them. But let me not be controlled by them. Let me align those hopes and dreams with your Line. Help me hear your voice more clearly. Help me discern your Yes, your No and your Wait. And no matter your answer, give me peace and a hope for the rest of my days.
Thank you for all you've done. Thank you for how you're changing me. Thank you for forgiving me. Thank you for being a very real father for me. Thank you for your rules and guidelines and most importantly, thank you for your love.
Thank you for Hope. Thank you for Peace. Thank you for Your word spoken through other people, especially my friends. Thank you for bringing those good for me into my life. Thank you for taking the sting out of my bite. Thank you for exposing me to those I formerly scoffed. Thank you making me grow.
Text messaging
Me: Love you too. It just seems like when it rains, it pours. Pardon the storm and rain joke. I've just got a lot of praying to do. I'm extremely nervous for your brother to be home in the fact that I don't know if these thoughts of him have been made up by me, which has happened before, or if it's really of God. If it's of me, then I'm mad at myself for not sticking to my year commitment. I really just want to guard my heart. Then there's Ashley's future and faith to pray for. Then my former and only love Joe called and he's having a hard time with the fact that his fiancee doesn't seem to want to plan a wedding anytime soon...then there's my Bible study ladies. Then Chrysalis and Bo's job situation. And you and your family...but God is good, faithful and perfect.
Jamie: I just wanted you to know I prayed for you. Also, about the Reid thing, I think all you can do is let go and let God and hope that Reid will do the same. You said before that him being the head that you have to wait and let him decide, but maybe rather than fretting about it you should just be his friend and trust that God will take care of the rest if it's to happen. If not, He might have someone else wonderful planned for you.
Me: Thanks! Just got your message. And I completely agree. I've let it go. I can only be who I am and if he's interested, great. If not, well, I have my God and really, that's where my comfort and future lie. Thanks for being such a good influence on me.
Me: Love you too. It just seems like when it rains, it pours. Pardon the storm and rain joke. I've just got a lot of praying to do. I'm extremely nervous for your brother to be home in the fact that I don't know if these thoughts of him have been made up by me, which has happened before, or if it's really of God. If it's of me, then I'm mad at myself for not sticking to my year commitment. I really just want to guard my heart. Then there's Ashley's future and faith to pray for. Then my former and only love Joe called and he's having a hard time with the fact that his fiancee doesn't seem to want to plan a wedding anytime soon...then there's my Bible study ladies. Then Chrysalis and Bo's job situation. And you and your family...but God is good, faithful and perfect.
Jamie: I just wanted you to know I prayed for you. Also, about the Reid thing, I think all you can do is let go and let God and hope that Reid will do the same. You said before that him being the head that you have to wait and let him decide, but maybe rather than fretting about it you should just be his friend and trust that God will take care of the rest if it's to happen. If not, He might have someone else wonderful planned for you.
Me: Thanks! Just got your message. And I completely agree. I've let it go. I can only be who I am and if he's interested, great. If not, well, I have my God and really, that's where my comfort and future lie. Thanks for being such a good influence on me.
Email to Joe
Date: Tue, 27 Jun 2006 08:16:19 -0700 (PDT)
From: "Anna"
Subject: yeah, about that...
To: jrphil2002@yahoo.com
I still don't know where I stand on the issue of not
being able to dislike someone you pray for...perhaps
I'm not praying hard enough. I'll get back to you on
that one. thanks for the heads up though.
I'm tremendously glad we got to talk last night...I
miss our talks. I'm glad your tenure in Biloxi is
almost over. I'm sad that I couldn't coordinate a
trip...it's my own fault for waiting too long to ask
for time off. I'm very sorry and I'd be a little
miffed at me too if I were you, so it's all cool, yo.
Right, so I wrote those first two paragraphs at like
745 and then apparently I got busy with work and just
now saw the window open again...
Sorry for the two phone calls this morning--but I
couldn't find your current address. But I did finally
find your last email with the second address in it--so
you have something in the mail today! hooray!
ALERT! HEY! JOE! I just wrote all that is below and
it's long. I know you want to be a good steward of
your time on the Internet--so if you don't have time
to read all that's below, I'm printing it out and
sending it to you like a regular letter along with
some CDs that I mention below. So, don't fret if you
can't read this now. I just needed to write it now.
Right, so you asked if there was anything I wanted to
tell you last night before we hung up...and I've
really been thinking about it. I told you about Reid
coming back from Brazil...and that was big for me--I
don't wear my heart on my sleeve when it comes to that
kind of stuff. Last November I chose to have a year of
purity--really just concentrate on the books I read,
movies I watch, TV shows, etc--really monitoring what
I was letting into my head and my heart and my life. I
also have a pretty good knack for having innocuous
crushes that take a lot of attention in my thought
life.
Well, my journey since last November hasn't been
perfect. But I notice things a lot more and my
readings of late have really pointed to guarding my
heart and my mind and He will honor my diligence. So,
that's been a true blessing--knowing I'm not captive
to my over-active imagination. Well, I've known Reid
for a good many years--he's several years younger than
I am and I've seen him go and grow through a lot. I
absolutely love his family and I'm working this
Chrysalis with his mom and sister, so that's exciting.
It's like a loving family I've never had...so, before
he left I had fleeting thoughts of attraction--and we
would have a good time at 722 and just hanging out
with friends. Well, since he's been in Brazil for the
past 6 months, "out of sight, out of mind" has
certainly NOT been a true adage for me. So, my prayer
request and perhaps concern is that I truly want to
guard my heart and be solely focused on God. As of
right now I can't discern if all these thoughts and
emotions have been of my own creation, or if God has
really laid this guy on my heart for whatever reason.
See, Joe, I heard a sermon series back in
November/December at 722 that has truly changed my
life. Truly. And I just decided that I'm going to burn
it for you--so it's currently being burned now and
I'll get it in the mail today. But it's a series on
Love and Marriage by this guy named Voddie Baucham
(out of Houston) and he truly speaks the Truth and it
was a beautiful thing. It broke through a lot of
barriers I had around my heart--because I finally felt
like the things I always felt were Truth on the inside
were ok and really were God's Truth--because I may
have conformed to what the world thought love and
marriage were and meant...but I never believed the
world. I always knew I wanted something more and
something different. I want a Biblically sound
marriage. I don't want that women's lib marriage you
spoke of. I don't want to "wear the pants" in the
family. I don't want to put a career above my home.
And Voddie put into words exactly what I felt God
saying to my heart. It's been an amazing journey for
me, my life and especially for my heart since God
introduced His word and desires for me through Voddie.
I don't want to date just for dating's sake. I never
have. I've always been one to jump into things, head
and heart first--and I've known for a long time that I
don't have enough in me to just share all of that with
more than one man. So, partly through decision, partly
through circumstance (cause let's be honest, the big
girl on the block doesn't get asked out a lot), I
haven't ever really "dated" anyone. And I've finally
made a true peace with that fact...I've always looked
at people in relationships--and yes, I'm happy for
them, but part of me feels inadequate and incomplete.
I no longer feel that way. I made a freeing decision
this past Sunday--that I would rather be alone and
single all my days and be inside His grace and mercy
than to be with someone surrounded by God's
disappointment.
I say all of this to show the true import of where I
stand with Reid. Only once in my life have I felt like
I was called by God to invest in a man...and that was
really difficult. I was in it for a long time, a lot
was invested, and God has brought me to the other side
triumphantly--what I learned about God, men and
especially myself during that time was and is
invaluable, but it was a big step and commitment. I
don't want to fall into a man-made trap, entangling my
heart and emotions and thoughts with Reid if it isn't
what God wants. So my prayer is to guard my heart and
to sit tight. I know I slip up because I want all
that's going on inside of me to be shared...so I say
or do things that aren't my place to say or do. I'm
tired of making the first move. I want and need to be
pursued. So, until that time. I'll be warm, I'll smile
and I'll keep my lips shut up tight.
So, your prayers are appreciated.
Now, on to other matters. I'm really concerned about
your impending nuptials. I am of course you and Beth's
biggest fan (well, literally and figuratively). I wish
and pray and hope the very, very best for you
both...but it pains me that a pretty little wedding
isn't in the near future... So, I don't want to say
anything here that would be hurtful or unhelpful or
un-thought-out. So I won't. But just know that I'm
praying very hard with much passion for both of you
guys. I, again, want the very best for you. You mean a
lot to me Joe and I just want to see God's will
fulfilled fully through and in you.
Much love and friendship. anna.
Date: Tue, 27 Jun 2006 08:16:19 -0700 (PDT)
From: "Anna"
Subject: yeah, about that...
To: jrphil2002@yahoo.com
I still don't know where I stand on the issue of not
being able to dislike someone you pray for...perhaps
I'm not praying hard enough. I'll get back to you on
that one. thanks for the heads up though.
I'm tremendously glad we got to talk last night...I
miss our talks. I'm glad your tenure in Biloxi is
almost over. I'm sad that I couldn't coordinate a
trip...it's my own fault for waiting too long to ask
for time off. I'm very sorry and I'd be a little
miffed at me too if I were you, so it's all cool, yo.
Right, so I wrote those first two paragraphs at like
745 and then apparently I got busy with work and just
now saw the window open again...
Sorry for the two phone calls this morning--but I
couldn't find your current address. But I did finally
find your last email with the second address in it--so
you have something in the mail today! hooray!
ALERT! HEY! JOE! I just wrote all that is below and
it's long. I know you want to be a good steward of
your time on the Internet--so if you don't have time
to read all that's below, I'm printing it out and
sending it to you like a regular letter along with
some CDs that I mention below. So, don't fret if you
can't read this now. I just needed to write it now.
Right, so you asked if there was anything I wanted to
tell you last night before we hung up...and I've
really been thinking about it. I told you about Reid
coming back from Brazil...and that was big for me--I
don't wear my heart on my sleeve when it comes to that
kind of stuff. Last November I chose to have a year of
purity--really just concentrate on the books I read,
movies I watch, TV shows, etc--really monitoring what
I was letting into my head and my heart and my life. I
also have a pretty good knack for having innocuous
crushes that take a lot of attention in my thought
life.
Well, my journey since last November hasn't been
perfect. But I notice things a lot more and my
readings of late have really pointed to guarding my
heart and my mind and He will honor my diligence. So,
that's been a true blessing--knowing I'm not captive
to my over-active imagination. Well, I've known Reid
for a good many years--he's several years younger than
I am and I've seen him go and grow through a lot. I
absolutely love his family and I'm working this
Chrysalis with his mom and sister, so that's exciting.
It's like a loving family I've never had...so, before
he left I had fleeting thoughts of attraction--and we
would have a good time at 722 and just hanging out
with friends. Well, since he's been in Brazil for the
past 6 months, "out of sight, out of mind" has
certainly NOT been a true adage for me. So, my prayer
request and perhaps concern is that I truly want to
guard my heart and be solely focused on God. As of
right now I can't discern if all these thoughts and
emotions have been of my own creation, or if God has
really laid this guy on my heart for whatever reason.
See, Joe, I heard a sermon series back in
November/December at 722 that has truly changed my
life. Truly. And I just decided that I'm going to burn
it for you--so it's currently being burned now and
I'll get it in the mail today. But it's a series on
Love and Marriage by this guy named Voddie Baucham
(out of Houston) and he truly speaks the Truth and it
was a beautiful thing. It broke through a lot of
barriers I had around my heart--because I finally felt
like the things I always felt were Truth on the inside
were ok and really were God's Truth--because I may
have conformed to what the world thought love and
marriage were and meant...but I never believed the
world. I always knew I wanted something more and
something different. I want a Biblically sound
marriage. I don't want that women's lib marriage you
spoke of. I don't want to "wear the pants" in the
family. I don't want to put a career above my home.
And Voddie put into words exactly what I felt God
saying to my heart. It's been an amazing journey for
me, my life and especially for my heart since God
introduced His word and desires for me through Voddie.
I don't want to date just for dating's sake. I never
have. I've always been one to jump into things, head
and heart first--and I've known for a long time that I
don't have enough in me to just share all of that with
more than one man. So, partly through decision, partly
through circumstance (cause let's be honest, the big
girl on the block doesn't get asked out a lot), I
haven't ever really "dated" anyone. And I've finally
made a true peace with that fact...I've always looked
at people in relationships--and yes, I'm happy for
them, but part of me feels inadequate and incomplete.
I no longer feel that way. I made a freeing decision
this past Sunday--that I would rather be alone and
single all my days and be inside His grace and mercy
than to be with someone surrounded by God's
disappointment.
I say all of this to show the true import of where I
stand with Reid. Only once in my life have I felt like
I was called by God to invest in a man...and that was
really difficult. I was in it for a long time, a lot
was invested, and God has brought me to the other side
triumphantly--what I learned about God, men and
especially myself during that time was and is
invaluable, but it was a big step and commitment. I
don't want to fall into a man-made trap, entangling my
heart and emotions and thoughts with Reid if it isn't
what God wants. So my prayer is to guard my heart and
to sit tight. I know I slip up because I want all
that's going on inside of me to be shared...so I say
or do things that aren't my place to say or do. I'm
tired of making the first move. I want and need to be
pursued. So, until that time. I'll be warm, I'll smile
and I'll keep my lips shut up tight.
So, your prayers are appreciated.
Now, on to other matters. I'm really concerned about
your impending nuptials. I am of course you and Beth's
biggest fan (well, literally and figuratively). I wish
and pray and hope the very, very best for you
both...but it pains me that a pretty little wedding
isn't in the near future... So, I don't want to say
anything here that would be hurtful or unhelpful or
un-thought-out. So I won't. But just know that I'm
praying very hard with much passion for both of you
guys. I, again, want the very best for you. You mean a
lot to me Joe and I just want to see God's will
fulfilled fully through and in you.
Much love and friendship. anna.
The One who made creatures that cannot be controlled is Himself beyond our control and understanding.
Great is the Lord, He is holy and just;
By His power we trust in His love.
Great is the Lord, He is faithful and true;
By His mercy He proves He is love.
Creation is filled with signs that point to the Creator.
"I know your heart. I can discern your truest motives before you utter a word. Think about Me and about My words to you. Submit every thought to Me. I will help you capture every unholy thought and turn your heart toward Me again. When you feed your heart with My spiritual food, an abundance of treasure will emerge."
". . . having nothing . . . ." Never hold anything in reserve. Pour yourself out, giving the best that you have, and always be poor. Never be diplomatic and careful with the treasure God gives you. ". . . and yet possessing all things"— this is poverty triumphant ( 2 Corinthians 6:10 ).
Great is the Lord, He is holy and just;
By His power we trust in His love.
Great is the Lord, He is faithful and true;
By His mercy He proves He is love.
Creation is filled with signs that point to the Creator.
"I know your heart. I can discern your truest motives before you utter a word. Think about Me and about My words to you. Submit every thought to Me. I will help you capture every unholy thought and turn your heart toward Me again. When you feed your heart with My spiritual food, an abundance of treasure will emerge."
". . . having nothing . . . ." Never hold anything in reserve. Pour yourself out, giving the best that you have, and always be poor. Never be diplomatic and careful with the treasure God gives you. ". . . and yet possessing all things"— this is poverty triumphant ( 2 Corinthians 6:10 ).
Friday, June 23, 2006
The One who made creatures that cannot be controlled is Himself beyond our control and understanding.
Great is the Lord, He is holy and just;
By His power we trust in His love.
Great is the Lord, He is faithful and true;
By His mercy He proves He is love.
Creation is filled with signs that point to the Creator.
"I know your heart. I can discern your truest motives before you utter a word. Think about Me and about My words to you. Submit every thought to Me. I will help you capture every unholy thought and turn your heart toward Me again. When you feed your heart with My spiritual food, an abundance of treasure will emerge."
Great is the Lord, He is holy and just;
By His power we trust in His love.
Great is the Lord, He is faithful and true;
By His mercy He proves He is love.
Creation is filled with signs that point to the Creator.
"I know your heart. I can discern your truest motives before you utter a word. Think about Me and about My words to you. Submit every thought to Me. I will help you capture every unholy thought and turn your heart toward Me again. When you feed your heart with My spiritual food, an abundance of treasure will emerge."
Wednesday, June 21, 2006
Thursday, June 15, 2006
Response from The Book (unabridged version)
Yes, I agree with you. God is a whole lot bigger than politics and personality conflicts. Those are two very human things that we can let get in the way of God's big picture. But I think it must've been totally necessary for us to take a brief (a couple of years?) hiatus from Chrysalis. I honestly can't really think of anything I have to do during July 7(Thursday), 8 (Friday), or 9 (Saturday) except baby sit Jansen on Thursday and Friday. Maybe I can get my sister to call his other baby-sitter and she'll keep him those two days? I'll give Vivian a call. Wow, Frankie and her family are having a hard time right now.
And don't be scared, but during all the little songs the kids learn during bible school I found myself singing and doing the motions to "Pharoh Pharoh" more than once. Hahahah!
Ok, I'll get to Reid in just a minute cause I do have some things to type about that. But bear with me.
I think we're both totally on the same page. Ok, Monday-Wednesday of this week I went to Columbus to help my friend Carley (she graduated with me and had those really great metal sculptures of women at the art show) out with vacation bible school. She had a class of 5th and 6th graders and they were wild, but that's beside the point. I really didn't feel like I was helping out at all, but I don't think I was suppose to. I really believe that God allowed me to go down there to spend time with Carley and her husband Ben because they are such a strong Christian couple. Carley is a new Christian as she was only saved about 3 years ago. Well, she and her husband are just so prayerful and faithful. They put God first, even before each other. Everything they do in their lives is so God-centered and it was just such a blessing to spend time with them and have such good conversations about life, faith, prayers...etc.
So, while spending time with them I was made to realize how much my relationship with God is truly lacking. Especially since I moved back home. I'm so comfortable because I'm around people that love me and everything is so safe and planned----so spiritually (and physcially) I've just become quite lazy. Well, last week I started jogging/power-walking and I've decided to do that at least 3 days a week because it gets me out of the house and off the couch and allows me to think. I also unearthed my Max Lucado books from a big black trunk. I just need to have that strength and that faith. I want the reinforcement of being around Christian people, going to God with everything---whether it's a career choice or a hang-nail, praying and just talking to him more. I'm tired of uber-erotic thoughts and succumbing (sp?) to temptation whether it's mental or physical. I'm tired of feeling so far away from God for reasons all my own. I want the security of a Father that is nothing like my earthly father. I long for the peace that comes with trusting in him for everything. My new favorite verse that has come up a couple of times in the past weeks, especially since I've graduated is Jeremiah 29:11---"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and hot harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future."
I am tired of taking my worries into my own hands when I have someone so much bigger than me that has outstretched arms simply waiting to hold me and take all my worries away from me. God says "Honey, I got this." And it about time I let him.
I'm not miserable and depressed and in the middle of self-loathing or anything dramatic like that. I'm just tired of relying on myself. I'm tired of allowing things of this life to take me down. I am not condemned to a future of any one else's mistakes or decisions. I am not even bound by my own mistakes. If God can forgive me then it's high time I forgave myself and got on with life.
I am very excited that I've graduated college and have a whole new part of my life that's starting. I'm confident that God will put me where I'm suppose to go so I'm trying to pray more about the job he wants me to have and the place he wants me to live. I refuse to get worried about it. I am actually very happy about being single because I'm under construction right now. I really have no desire to have someone in my life in that aspect right now. I'm not where I want to be spiritually. And also I don't want to be distracted or tempted. Ain't got time for that. So, if my family could lay off on the love connection that'd be great. If later God shows me someone that I'm suppose to be with then AMEN. But until then I'm giving my desires to him. He needs to edit the list of "must haves" that I seemed to have written down for things I want in a man. Cause until now it's been: divorced, crazy, on drugs, treats me like crap, smokes, doesn't have a relationship with God. Yeah, that list needs some work. I want to be able to walk into a room and not immediately scan the crowd for the nearest guy that pays me some attention and then run him through my crappy crappy crappy checklist and find out I have yet another miserable winner. No ma'am. I'm calling an end to those days.
About Reid. He looks very familiar. I think he wore skater-kind-of-clothes in school. I remember seeing him in the hallways. And I definately remember his sister. And how 'bout he's a man of God. Fantastic. That's so awesome that you felt so at home with him and his family over Christmas. I'd forgotten you spent time with them. And it's so inspiring to see such a strong Christian couple like his parents. Just keep Jesus in that crush on Reid. Cause we all know what happens when we delete Jesus from that equation. Yeah, OUR PANTS COME OFF---and our minds aren't anywhere near scripture, church, praying or anything even remotely holy. I'm glad to hear you sound so much more positive now because I know around the time of graduation you were struggling. But even in your times of struggle you still impress and inspire other people. My family absolutely LOVES you. They always have. I remember sitting in Jenni's back yard while Emma and Javi played on the swings---we were laying in the grass, watching the goats, and just talking and she was saying how awesome you are and what a great friend you are. You are truly the best friend I have ever had. God knew we'd need each other. We are Cornelia and Alice. We always will be. You will always be my book and I love you more than words can tell.
On another note: It is currently 11am and Jansen is STILL ASLEEP? What in the world?
On yet another note: I hung out with Kathy, my cooperating teacher from student teaching, and her kids yesterday. She's such a cool lady and I'm glad that we still talk. I was hoping we'd still talk and hang out even after student teaching was over. We all went to the pool and had fun. She has an 11 year old (Kate), 9 year old (Kurt), and 2 year old Mackenzie. We all had fun swimming and playing and getting some sun. Well, point of the story is that I bruise like a peach. At one point I was about to lay down on the plastic pool chair they have at most pools and I bumped my right calf on the edge of the chair. Even though I just bumped it, it hurt. I sat up and looked at it and my skin was lumpy where it hurt and I thought "what in the world?" So, I rubbed it and tried to smooth out the lumps. And it immediately turned purpley-blue. Nice. I put some ice on it, but that didn't seem to do a whole lot. Today it's a big bruise nearly 2 inches in all directions. I called my mom to make sure I didn't have Lukemia or something like that being that I only bumped the chair---it's not like I slammed into a concrete wall. It was plastic chair! She seems to think I simply popped a blood vessel that was close to the surface of my skin.
Even so, that's weird. And I've also got some mad carpet burn on my right knee (with matching bruise on left knee) that I earned while doing a relay race with the kids on Monday at bible school. So, it looks like I might've been beaten, but I think I'm alright. I feel ok.
I love you.
Oh, and I'm not much of a drinker either I guess. The only drinks I like the taste of have started to make my teeth hurt really bad whenever I partake. I don't know why. Sugar? Yet another strange element to my wacky body. Whatever.
Yes, I agree with you. God is a whole lot bigger than politics and personality conflicts. Those are two very human things that we can let get in the way of God's big picture. But I think it must've been totally necessary for us to take a brief (a couple of years?) hiatus from Chrysalis. I honestly can't really think of anything I have to do during July 7(Thursday), 8 (Friday), or 9 (Saturday) except baby sit Jansen on Thursday and Friday. Maybe I can get my sister to call his other baby-sitter and she'll keep him those two days? I'll give Vivian a call. Wow, Frankie and her family are having a hard time right now.
And don't be scared, but during all the little songs the kids learn during bible school I found myself singing and doing the motions to "Pharoh Pharoh" more than once. Hahahah!
Ok, I'll get to Reid in just a minute cause I do have some things to type about that. But bear with me.
I think we're both totally on the same page. Ok, Monday-Wednesday of this week I went to Columbus to help my friend Carley (she graduated with me and had those really great metal sculptures of women at the art show) out with vacation bible school. She had a class of 5th and 6th graders and they were wild, but that's beside the point. I really didn't feel like I was helping out at all, but I don't think I was suppose to. I really believe that God allowed me to go down there to spend time with Carley and her husband Ben because they are such a strong Christian couple. Carley is a new Christian as she was only saved about 3 years ago. Well, she and her husband are just so prayerful and faithful. They put God first, even before each other. Everything they do in their lives is so God-centered and it was just such a blessing to spend time with them and have such good conversations about life, faith, prayers...etc.
So, while spending time with them I was made to realize how much my relationship with God is truly lacking. Especially since I moved back home. I'm so comfortable because I'm around people that love me and everything is so safe and planned----so spiritually (and physcially) I've just become quite lazy. Well, last week I started jogging/power-walking and I've decided to do that at least 3 days a week because it gets me out of the house and off the couch and allows me to think. I also unearthed my Max Lucado books from a big black trunk. I just need to have that strength and that faith. I want the reinforcement of being around Christian people, going to God with everything---whether it's a career choice or a hang-nail, praying and just talking to him more. I'm tired of uber-erotic thoughts and succumbing (sp?) to temptation whether it's mental or physical. I'm tired of feeling so far away from God for reasons all my own. I want the security of a Father that is nothing like my earthly father. I long for the peace that comes with trusting in him for everything. My new favorite verse that has come up a couple of times in the past weeks, especially since I've graduated is Jeremiah 29:11---"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and hot harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future."
I am tired of taking my worries into my own hands when I have someone so much bigger than me that has outstretched arms simply waiting to hold me and take all my worries away from me. God says "Honey, I got this." And it about time I let him.
I'm not miserable and depressed and in the middle of self-loathing or anything dramatic like that. I'm just tired of relying on myself. I'm tired of allowing things of this life to take me down. I am not condemned to a future of any one else's mistakes or decisions. I am not even bound by my own mistakes. If God can forgive me then it's high time I forgave myself and got on with life.
I am very excited that I've graduated college and have a whole new part of my life that's starting. I'm confident that God will put me where I'm suppose to go so I'm trying to pray more about the job he wants me to have and the place he wants me to live. I refuse to get worried about it. I am actually very happy about being single because I'm under construction right now. I really have no desire to have someone in my life in that aspect right now. I'm not where I want to be spiritually. And also I don't want to be distracted or tempted. Ain't got time for that. So, if my family could lay off on the love connection that'd be great. If later God shows me someone that I'm suppose to be with then AMEN. But until then I'm giving my desires to him. He needs to edit the list of "must haves" that I seemed to have written down for things I want in a man. Cause until now it's been: divorced, crazy, on drugs, treats me like crap, smokes, doesn't have a relationship with God. Yeah, that list needs some work. I want to be able to walk into a room and not immediately scan the crowd for the nearest guy that pays me some attention and then run him through my crappy crappy crappy checklist and find out I have yet another miserable winner. No ma'am. I'm calling an end to those days.
About Reid. He looks very familiar. I think he wore skater-kind-of-clothes in school. I remember seeing him in the hallways. And I definately remember his sister. And how 'bout he's a man of God. Fantastic. That's so awesome that you felt so at home with him and his family over Christmas. I'd forgotten you spent time with them. And it's so inspiring to see such a strong Christian couple like his parents. Just keep Jesus in that crush on Reid. Cause we all know what happens when we delete Jesus from that equation. Yeah, OUR PANTS COME OFF---and our minds aren't anywhere near scripture, church, praying or anything even remotely holy. I'm glad to hear you sound so much more positive now because I know around the time of graduation you were struggling. But even in your times of struggle you still impress and inspire other people. My family absolutely LOVES you. They always have. I remember sitting in Jenni's back yard while Emma and Javi played on the swings---we were laying in the grass, watching the goats, and just talking and she was saying how awesome you are and what a great friend you are. You are truly the best friend I have ever had. God knew we'd need each other. We are Cornelia and Alice. We always will be. You will always be my book and I love you more than words can tell.
On another note: It is currently 11am and Jansen is STILL ASLEEP? What in the world?
On yet another note: I hung out with Kathy, my cooperating teacher from student teaching, and her kids yesterday. She's such a cool lady and I'm glad that we still talk. I was hoping we'd still talk and hang out even after student teaching was over. We all went to the pool and had fun. She has an 11 year old (Kate), 9 year old (Kurt), and 2 year old Mackenzie. We all had fun swimming and playing and getting some sun. Well, point of the story is that I bruise like a peach. At one point I was about to lay down on the plastic pool chair they have at most pools and I bumped my right calf on the edge of the chair. Even though I just bumped it, it hurt. I sat up and looked at it and my skin was lumpy where it hurt and I thought "what in the world?" So, I rubbed it and tried to smooth out the lumps. And it immediately turned purpley-blue. Nice. I put some ice on it, but that didn't seem to do a whole lot. Today it's a big bruise nearly 2 inches in all directions. I called my mom to make sure I didn't have Lukemia or something like that being that I only bumped the chair---it's not like I slammed into a concrete wall. It was plastic chair! She seems to think I simply popped a blood vessel that was close to the surface of my skin.
Even so, that's weird. And I've also got some mad carpet burn on my right knee (with matching bruise on left knee) that I earned while doing a relay race with the kids on Monday at bible school. So, it looks like I might've been beaten, but I think I'm alright. I feel ok.
I love you.
Oh, and I'm not much of a drinker either I guess. The only drinks I like the taste of have started to make my teeth hurt really bad whenever I partake. I don't know why. Sugar? Yet another strange element to my wacky body. Whatever.
end of june
am I setting myself up for great disappointment?
I got an email from reid this morning...I was excited to hear from him--but the Disney princess fairy tale that's buried deep inside of me wants declarations of love (or even interest!) and other whimsical things...
are these things real? or am I just setting myself up for failure?
am I setting myself up for great disappointment?
I got an email from reid this morning...I was excited to hear from him--but the Disney princess fairy tale that's buried deep inside of me wants declarations of love (or even interest!) and other whimsical things...
are these things real? or am I just setting myself up for failure?
Wednesday, June 14, 2006
An email to The Book (unabridged version)
Change in plans: I'm now working in the conference
room as a table leader! Oh my. Frankie called me last
evening and asked--and I immediately said yes. It's
strange, but I think I've come full-circle back to
Chrysalis. I just think of how much it changed my life
and how much I've seen it change others--and I think
of how Big God IS and then the politics and
personality conflicts of the whole thing just seem to
fade.
So, PLEASE come and work the kitchen--they now have a
vacancy--so the new lady doing this logistics thing is
Vivian Long (I may have made her last name up, so
preferably only reference her as Vivian) and her
number is 770-254-8120 and then of course you can call
Frankie: 706-662-2075. Be in prayer for the Mabry's--I
couldn't hear her very well last night (I was at 722),
but I believe she said that Tee had knee surgery a
couple of weeks ago, Dean and Dathan both lost their
jobs a week ago and her mom's sister (or someone like
that) died recently. Their truck broke down and
apparently all other sorts of upheaval. So, yeah.
But I'm sure they'd be delighted to hear from you. And
apparently this flight has like 18 girls signed up
(that's more than the past 3 flights combined).
Interesting note: Ok, so, well, if I haven't
completely admitted it by now, I have more than a
lasting fancy for this kid Reid. I used to call him
Underage Reid, but, well, he's not underage anymore.
Right, so he's been in Brazil since January and will
probably be coming back at the end of June. His
sister, Jamie, is your age. Jamie Collier. She was a
chorus nerd. Anyway, well, I meet up with her every
Tuesday for 722. She knows of my attachment to her
brother--and over New Year's when I was in Maine she
text messaged me how much she wishes I could become
her sister someday...Oh, that didn't send my
imagination into a tizzy, I promise.
There's a point, no really, there is. Right, so I
spent Christmas Eve with the Collier family in
Peachtree City. That's when my mom was supposed to
come down to the Byard's and, well, she didn't. And I
was bummed...so I ended up just spending hours at
their house. I did Family Jigsaw Puzzle
time--apparently a tradition with their grandmother. I
ate dinner with them and then we all went to church.
And you know what Ashley? I felt At Home. Like, as if
I belonged there and they with me. So, I've always had
an affection for the Collier family. Their parents
(Trent and Laura) have always just been so amazing and
a wonderful portrait of what a Christian couple looks
like.
I've had dreams involving Reid since he's been
gone--not my normal uber-erotic dreams, just dreams of
him being there. Just his presence. And in my Year of
Purity (ok, so I haven't been perfect--but things have
been A LOT better--just my thought patterns and
quitting harmful behaviors at their beginning, not
being sucked into them no where near as often), well,
during that year I wanted to be Guy Free. You know?
Crush Free. Well, the Year started on November 1st.
Well, Reid was around during that time, and even
though he still had immature tendencies (as we all did
at age 20), there was a fondness. Well, it's evolved
now into a Joe-sized crush. And we both know that
road. But I'm not on the road with any Joe baggage and
it's nice. It's very nice indeed. Because as I was
hashing it out with my friend Jenny (from Chop
Point--she's the one that is semi-dating my friend
Jonathan--the one who hiked the Appalachian
Trail--he's the one I drove to his father's funeral in
PA...hopefully you know who I'm talking about now...)
on the phone last night before 722 (she and I talk
about once every 4 or so months) and I told her about
Reid even back around New Year's and all that jazz and
so she asks about him. Right, I swear there's a point
here. I'm not sure when I'll get to it, but there is
one somewhere.
Jenny and I were speaking and I was just questioning
the presence of God in my Reid Crush (the RC from here
on out)...because she knows a little about Joe and I
told her that I was utterly and completely convinced
that God had put Joe and I together and that I
honestly loved him. I mean, I was in love with him and
I really thought it was all from God. And well, we all
know how that turned out. So, I'm torn because I
really feel almost the same way about the RC. But this
time it's much more gentle. With Joe, I didn't have a
clue how I was supposed to act. I was always on the
prowl and quick to act and I've now learned (thanks
Voddie) that it's not my place to prowl or act. I want
to be wanted and pursued and nothing will get in the
way of that ever again. So this time it feels much
more comfortable--I think about him a lot, but it's
not manipulative thinking. It's also not destructive
daydreaming--I think that was probably the worst part
of my Joe delusion. I had pictured how wonderful we
would be together through countless scenarios and then
I was horribly let down when things just didn't pan
out. My thoughts of Reid have just been simple
thoughts of admiration--and yes, hope. Just thinking
of what an amazing man of God he's on the road to
becoming and thinking that yes, I would like to be
eternally (goodness, how melodramatic I can be) joined
to him and his family. We have similar pasts (as in,
we lived in a world that had everything and still made
horribly destructive choices--and have both come back
to God, shored up and reassured that His life is the
only life we want) and hopefully a similar goal for
the future.
And I'll be honest, he's cute. He's not a
refrigerator. He was a mini-fridge before he left the
country, but now apparently he's shaved his head and
lost a considerate amount of weight. But whatever.
I've learned in my year that I have to love and
believe in myself before anyone else can. That sounds
so trite and elementary--but what do the thoughts,
"Oh, he'd never want to see me naked or see the scars
from one sexual escapade years and years ago,"
accomplish? Only to feel bad about myself and inferior
to everyone else. I love me. I love my life and I like
who I've become and who I'm becoming. And if that
doesn't align with what he's looking for, then so be
it. I can't always be chasing a dream of who I should
be depending on what some guy wants me (or I think he
wants me) to be. I am who I am. I continue to improve
and grow and evolve daily--but because that's what God
wants for me and that's what I want for myself--not
because I think it'll nab some guy.
Point: I want to marry this guy. As Voddie says, I
want my love choice to be Reid. I want to be a
short-term missionary's wife. I want to live out a
wonderfully Christian and faith-filled marriage
commitment with him. I want to be a part of his
family. His parents are my role models when it comes
to a marriage that works because it's always
reflecting God, not just each other. Jamie is working
the Chrysalis team. AND THE ACTUAL POINT THAT STARTED
THIS WHOLE STORY: Trent and Laura Collier are giving
the marriage talk. And I'm excited for it. Not just to
hear about them, but I really want to build that
connection with them.
Perhaps I'm on another Joe-Road of Delusion and as I
told Jenny last night, I'm really ok with that.
Because on this road I've learned so much because this
road has coincided with my Year and I've learned so
much as to who I want to be, what kind of wife I want
to be, what kind of life I want to live and what kind
of thoughts I want to have and what kind of
destructive patterns I want to break. So, even if he
doesn't come back and fall madly in love with me, I'm
ok with that. Because I've found a home in his family
and I'm happy to be working the Chrysalis with them.
You should work Chrysalis too. I'll call Vivian or
Frankie for you if you'd like.
Now, this was supposed to be a simple email...but 45
minutes later, I guess it's a Book entry.
love you. me.
OH! right, Saturday--can't make it to the birthday
party--because now I'm a table leader and I have team
training for the morning---but I might be able to make
it over there afterward. I'll be in Tyrone. I'll keep
you posted. And I'll already be in Tyrone on the 24th
because of Team Dedication, so I can probably make it
to Ricky's party. I don't know if I'm a Drinker
anymore. I think I've just worn out the novelty of it.
I always have to be responsible--so now drinking isn't
fun, so, yeah. That thought isn't more developed than
that. Sorry.
I really have work to do now. have fun today.
Change in plans: I'm now working in the conference
room as a table leader! Oh my. Frankie called me last
evening and asked--and I immediately said yes. It's
strange, but I think I've come full-circle back to
Chrysalis. I just think of how much it changed my life
and how much I've seen it change others--and I think
of how Big God IS and then the politics and
personality conflicts of the whole thing just seem to
fade.
So, PLEASE come and work the kitchen--they now have a
vacancy--so the new lady doing this logistics thing is
Vivian Long (I may have made her last name up, so
preferably only reference her as Vivian) and her
number is 770-254-8120 and then of course you can call
Frankie: 706-662-2075. Be in prayer for the Mabry's--I
couldn't hear her very well last night (I was at 722),
but I believe she said that Tee had knee surgery a
couple of weeks ago, Dean and Dathan both lost their
jobs a week ago and her mom's sister (or someone like
that) died recently. Their truck broke down and
apparently all other sorts of upheaval. So, yeah.
But I'm sure they'd be delighted to hear from you. And
apparently this flight has like 18 girls signed up
(that's more than the past 3 flights combined).
Interesting note: Ok, so, well, if I haven't
completely admitted it by now, I have more than a
lasting fancy for this kid Reid. I used to call him
Underage Reid, but, well, he's not underage anymore.
Right, so he's been in Brazil since January and will
probably be coming back at the end of June. His
sister, Jamie, is your age. Jamie Collier. She was a
chorus nerd. Anyway, well, I meet up with her every
Tuesday for 722. She knows of my attachment to her
brother--and over New Year's when I was in Maine she
text messaged me how much she wishes I could become
her sister someday...Oh, that didn't send my
imagination into a tizzy, I promise.
There's a point, no really, there is. Right, so I
spent Christmas Eve with the Collier family in
Peachtree City. That's when my mom was supposed to
come down to the Byard's and, well, she didn't. And I
was bummed...so I ended up just spending hours at
their house. I did Family Jigsaw Puzzle
time--apparently a tradition with their grandmother. I
ate dinner with them and then we all went to church.
And you know what Ashley? I felt At Home. Like, as if
I belonged there and they with me. So, I've always had
an affection for the Collier family. Their parents
(Trent and Laura) have always just been so amazing and
a wonderful portrait of what a Christian couple looks
like.
I've had dreams involving Reid since he's been
gone--not my normal uber-erotic dreams, just dreams of
him being there. Just his presence. And in my Year of
Purity (ok, so I haven't been perfect--but things have
been A LOT better--just my thought patterns and
quitting harmful behaviors at their beginning, not
being sucked into them no where near as often), well,
during that year I wanted to be Guy Free. You know?
Crush Free. Well, the Year started on November 1st.
Well, Reid was around during that time, and even
though he still had immature tendencies (as we all did
at age 20), there was a fondness. Well, it's evolved
now into a Joe-sized crush. And we both know that
road. But I'm not on the road with any Joe baggage and
it's nice. It's very nice indeed. Because as I was
hashing it out with my friend Jenny (from Chop
Point--she's the one that is semi-dating my friend
Jonathan--the one who hiked the Appalachian
Trail--he's the one I drove to his father's funeral in
PA...hopefully you know who I'm talking about now...)
on the phone last night before 722 (she and I talk
about once every 4 or so months) and I told her about
Reid even back around New Year's and all that jazz and
so she asks about him. Right, I swear there's a point
here. I'm not sure when I'll get to it, but there is
one somewhere.
Jenny and I were speaking and I was just questioning
the presence of God in my Reid Crush (the RC from here
on out)...because she knows a little about Joe and I
told her that I was utterly and completely convinced
that God had put Joe and I together and that I
honestly loved him. I mean, I was in love with him and
I really thought it was all from God. And well, we all
know how that turned out. So, I'm torn because I
really feel almost the same way about the RC. But this
time it's much more gentle. With Joe, I didn't have a
clue how I was supposed to act. I was always on the
prowl and quick to act and I've now learned (thanks
Voddie) that it's not my place to prowl or act. I want
to be wanted and pursued and nothing will get in the
way of that ever again. So this time it feels much
more comfortable--I think about him a lot, but it's
not manipulative thinking. It's also not destructive
daydreaming--I think that was probably the worst part
of my Joe delusion. I had pictured how wonderful we
would be together through countless scenarios and then
I was horribly let down when things just didn't pan
out. My thoughts of Reid have just been simple
thoughts of admiration--and yes, hope. Just thinking
of what an amazing man of God he's on the road to
becoming and thinking that yes, I would like to be
eternally (goodness, how melodramatic I can be) joined
to him and his family. We have similar pasts (as in,
we lived in a world that had everything and still made
horribly destructive choices--and have both come back
to God, shored up and reassured that His life is the
only life we want) and hopefully a similar goal for
the future.
And I'll be honest, he's cute. He's not a
refrigerator. He was a mini-fridge before he left the
country, but now apparently he's shaved his head and
lost a considerate amount of weight. But whatever.
I've learned in my year that I have to love and
believe in myself before anyone else can. That sounds
so trite and elementary--but what do the thoughts,
"Oh, he'd never want to see me naked or see the scars
from one sexual escapade years and years ago,"
accomplish? Only to feel bad about myself and inferior
to everyone else. I love me. I love my life and I like
who I've become and who I'm becoming. And if that
doesn't align with what he's looking for, then so be
it. I can't always be chasing a dream of who I should
be depending on what some guy wants me (or I think he
wants me) to be. I am who I am. I continue to improve
and grow and evolve daily--but because that's what God
wants for me and that's what I want for myself--not
because I think it'll nab some guy.
Point: I want to marry this guy. As Voddie says, I
want my love choice to be Reid. I want to be a
short-term missionary's wife. I want to live out a
wonderfully Christian and faith-filled marriage
commitment with him. I want to be a part of his
family. His parents are my role models when it comes
to a marriage that works because it's always
reflecting God, not just each other. Jamie is working
the Chrysalis team. AND THE ACTUAL POINT THAT STARTED
THIS WHOLE STORY: Trent and Laura Collier are giving
the marriage talk. And I'm excited for it. Not just to
hear about them, but I really want to build that
connection with them.
Perhaps I'm on another Joe-Road of Delusion and as I
told Jenny last night, I'm really ok with that.
Because on this road I've learned so much because this
road has coincided with my Year and I've learned so
much as to who I want to be, what kind of wife I want
to be, what kind of life I want to live and what kind
of thoughts I want to have and what kind of
destructive patterns I want to break. So, even if he
doesn't come back and fall madly in love with me, I'm
ok with that. Because I've found a home in his family
and I'm happy to be working the Chrysalis with them.
You should work Chrysalis too. I'll call Vivian or
Frankie for you if you'd like.
Now, this was supposed to be a simple email...but 45
minutes later, I guess it's a Book entry.
love you. me.
OH! right, Saturday--can't make it to the birthday
party--because now I'm a table leader and I have team
training for the morning---but I might be able to make
it over there afterward. I'll be in Tyrone. I'll keep
you posted. And I'll already be in Tyrone on the 24th
because of Team Dedication, so I can probably make it
to Ricky's party. I don't know if I'm a Drinker
anymore. I think I've just worn out the novelty of it.
I always have to be responsible--so now drinking isn't
fun, so, yeah. That thought isn't more developed than
that. Sorry.
I really have work to do now. have fun today.
Tuesday, June 13, 2006
Reid,
Do you think of me?
I'm missing your laugh and smile today. I'm missing seeing the man you're becoming.
Will I be what you're looking for?
Will I make the kind of wife you're going to need?
God? How can my life glorify you? Are these Reid-centric dreams through the night and day of you? Or have I just attached myself to yet another man that will turn into dust?
Do you care? Sometimes when I ask for relief and I feel nothing I start to wonder if I've made the whole thing up.
Do you think of me?
I'm missing your laugh and smile today. I'm missing seeing the man you're becoming.
Will I be what you're looking for?
Will I make the kind of wife you're going to need?
God? How can my life glorify you? Are these Reid-centric dreams through the night and day of you? Or have I just attached myself to yet another man that will turn into dust?
Do you care? Sometimes when I ask for relief and I feel nothing I start to wonder if I've made the whole thing up.
Monday, June 12, 2006
the import of choice and marriage vows
I'm quite disturbed by the revelations of late. Finding out that people at work aren't the fun, careless people I've built them up to be in my head is quite disheartening. We find carelessly printed out IM conversations about married people having affairs with others, a married man with a freshly un-engaged young lady...
and today--my gossiper's heart just went all aquiver--I saw aforementioned married lady fighting with her husband right in front of the building!
Of course I enjoy the inner-office whisper fodder...which makes me very sad and disappointed with myself because I really don't want to take such joy in other people's tragedies. I don't want to be THAT girl. I don't want to be that carpy old shrew. I want to be a woman worthy of being a Godly wife. I don't want to be (why do I think in these terms?) the women I see on Bridezilla and other such shows. I don't want people to have to whisper and tip-toe around me.
I want to be Laura Collier.
I want to marry her son. I want him to be my choice. MY CHOICE. I want him to choose me. I want that to be that and to never waver from it.
All my heart goes out to Voddie for preaching the Truth to me like it's never been preached, brought or told. Love is a choice. There are bad days. There are dark days. There are days when your heart and emotions and fickle and you'll want to run and hide...but it's your WILL that keeps you through. It's your decision to stay and fight it out that makes a Godly marriage.
I hate divorce. I hate what my life turned into after my parents split. They weren't happy with each other. I know that and in some ways, I'm glad they split. But then again, I was really torn and insecure through the days and years I needed security and a place to belong the most. But I really hate divorce. I hate when people just throw the towel in saying they fell out of love or found someone else...what happened to choosing your spouse? What happened to your vows and your whispered endearments? Really? Are you going to let a mortgage, failed health, failed bills, failed children drag you down a horrible, emotionally draining path that WILL NOT lead to further fulfillment?
Really?
Marriage is a choice. Love is a choice. That's why it's so important to seek God out BEFORE you make that choice to ensure you're making the right one. Because if you make a different choice than His, He still expects you to honor that choice. I hate marriages based on good looks, charm, money in the bank or cars driven. I hate marriages where there is obvious imbalance, mistrust and lies.
I just want to be warm, loving, inviting, hospitable, approachable, humble, respectful...I want him to be proud of me. Proud to call me wife and proud to lean on me and let me burrow in his chest. I don't want to be jaded by all The Life around me. I don't want to be tempted by others. I don't want to dream the dreams I dream at night, during the day without him.
Lord, what happened to "it's better to marry than be burned up by the flesh?" Am I beyond hope?
I looked in the mirror tonight, without clothes, and wasn't disgusted. Sure, I don't look like everyone else--but I like me. I love me. It's a choice. Wow. Loving who I am is a choice...powerful.
I think I'll leave it at that tonight. Loving who I am is a choice...
I am not unloveable. I don't need to completely change who I am for him. God has made me who I am and if Reid doesn't make that choice...I am not lost.
I'm quite disturbed by the revelations of late. Finding out that people at work aren't the fun, careless people I've built them up to be in my head is quite disheartening. We find carelessly printed out IM conversations about married people having affairs with others, a married man with a freshly un-engaged young lady...
and today--my gossiper's heart just went all aquiver--I saw aforementioned married lady fighting with her husband right in front of the building!
Of course I enjoy the inner-office whisper fodder...which makes me very sad and disappointed with myself because I really don't want to take such joy in other people's tragedies. I don't want to be THAT girl. I don't want to be that carpy old shrew. I want to be a woman worthy of being a Godly wife. I don't want to be (why do I think in these terms?) the women I see on Bridezilla and other such shows. I don't want people to have to whisper and tip-toe around me.
I want to be Laura Collier.
I want to marry her son. I want him to be my choice. MY CHOICE. I want him to choose me. I want that to be that and to never waver from it.
All my heart goes out to Voddie for preaching the Truth to me like it's never been preached, brought or told. Love is a choice. There are bad days. There are dark days. There are days when your heart and emotions and fickle and you'll want to run and hide...but it's your WILL that keeps you through. It's your decision to stay and fight it out that makes a Godly marriage.
I hate divorce. I hate what my life turned into after my parents split. They weren't happy with each other. I know that and in some ways, I'm glad they split. But then again, I was really torn and insecure through the days and years I needed security and a place to belong the most. But I really hate divorce. I hate when people just throw the towel in saying they fell out of love or found someone else...what happened to choosing your spouse? What happened to your vows and your whispered endearments? Really? Are you going to let a mortgage, failed health, failed bills, failed children drag you down a horrible, emotionally draining path that WILL NOT lead to further fulfillment?
Really?
Marriage is a choice. Love is a choice. That's why it's so important to seek God out BEFORE you make that choice to ensure you're making the right one. Because if you make a different choice than His, He still expects you to honor that choice. I hate marriages based on good looks, charm, money in the bank or cars driven. I hate marriages where there is obvious imbalance, mistrust and lies.
I just want to be warm, loving, inviting, hospitable, approachable, humble, respectful...I want him to be proud of me. Proud to call me wife and proud to lean on me and let me burrow in his chest. I don't want to be jaded by all The Life around me. I don't want to be tempted by others. I don't want to dream the dreams I dream at night, during the day without him.
Lord, what happened to "it's better to marry than be burned up by the flesh?" Am I beyond hope?
I looked in the mirror tonight, without clothes, and wasn't disgusted. Sure, I don't look like everyone else--but I like me. I love me. It's a choice. Wow. Loving who I am is a choice...powerful.
I think I'll leave it at that tonight. Loving who I am is a choice...
I am not unloveable. I don't need to completely change who I am for him. God has made me who I am and if Reid doesn't make that choice...I am not lost.
Reid. Reid. Reid.
Beard and piercing eyes. Soft hands. Warm heart. Stong lead.
My dreams are haunted. Literally haunted. Every night, I dream. Every day, I wish, hope, dream. I don't even do it intentionally, it rises forth from within me, unsummoned.
Is it really from you, God? Or is it just another Joe-virus?
I don't want to be like those ladies...I don't want to be an illustration point. I don't want to be secretly pitied like I pity them. I don't want to wake every night feeling dirty and less-than-pure just because some slimball awakened in me a passionate thirst before I was supposed to even know what passion was.
I fight with my own thoughts everyday. I fight with feeling dirty, used, unwanted, impossibly undesirable coupled with this intense sexual fire that can't go without flaring every couple of days.
I don't want to be that lady with cats or a hobby or a demanding job.
I don't want to be that statistic. I don't want to have to find fulfillment in romance novels, stupid TV movies and always shying away from looking at real couples with real kids with real Callings just because it hurts too much.
Am I damned to this permanent state of just not being good enough? Of being caught in limbo?
Beard and piercing eyes. Soft hands. Warm heart. Stong lead.
My dreams are haunted. Literally haunted. Every night, I dream. Every day, I wish, hope, dream. I don't even do it intentionally, it rises forth from within me, unsummoned.
Is it really from you, God? Or is it just another Joe-virus?
I don't want to be like those ladies...I don't want to be an illustration point. I don't want to be secretly pitied like I pity them. I don't want to wake every night feeling dirty and less-than-pure just because some slimball awakened in me a passionate thirst before I was supposed to even know what passion was.
I fight with my own thoughts everyday. I fight with feeling dirty, used, unwanted, impossibly undesirable coupled with this intense sexual fire that can't go without flaring every couple of days.
I don't want to be that lady with cats or a hobby or a demanding job.
I don't want to be that statistic. I don't want to have to find fulfillment in romance novels, stupid TV movies and always shying away from looking at real couples with real kids with real Callings just because it hurts too much.
Am I damned to this permanent state of just not being good enough? Of being caught in limbo?
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