“Very few things honor and glorify God more than the sweet fragrance of a thankful soul. It expels gloom and ushers in sweet peace and blessed hope. Gratitude encourages graciousness.”
We thank You, Lord, for blessings
You give us on our way;
May we for these be grateful,
And praise You every day. —Roworth
It’s good to give thanks to God.
— you are not some special being created in heaven, but a sinner saved by grace.
Wednesday, June 28, 2006
Date: Wed, 28 Jun 2006 09:15:56 -0400
From: "Jenny"
To: "Anna"
Subject: Re: Well, now that's what I can an evening of excitement
Wow, that's a lot of emotion to go through in such a short period of time. I'm glad you're ok, and I'm glad you're seeing God in this. I'm going to go ahead and be that girl and bring up Bible Discussion in Isle Au Haut yesterday where we talked about the prodigal son... Luke 15, it's worth reading over.
Let me know what I can pray for.
My response:
Date: Wed, 28 Jun 2006 06:50:18 -0700 (PDT)
From: "Anna"
Subject: Re: Well, now that's what I can an evening of excitement
To: "Jenny"
Thanks. I feel good. Really good and positive. So
that's nice.
I have a blog that I keep as a journal/prayer list and
this is what I wrote yesterday--it'll give you a Reid
update. The texts are between me and Jamie, Reid's
sister. I'll put explanations in parentheses.
Text messaging
Me (june 26, 11:40 pm): Love you too. It just seems
like when it rains, it pours. Pardon the storm and
rain joke (it stormed all weekend here in the ATL).
I've just got a lot of praying to do. I'm extremely
nervous for your brother to be home in the fact that I
don't know if these thoughts of him have been made up
by me, which has happened before, or if it's really of
God. If it's of me, then I'm mad at myself for not
sticking to my year commitment. I really just want to
guard my heart. Then there's Ashley (my best friend
whom Jamie also know from high school and we're all
working a spiritual retreat together called Chrysalis
not this weekend but the next)'s future and faith to
pray for. Then my former and only love Joe (Joe, the
Joe you don't know but you feel like you do) called
and he's having a hard time with the fact that his
fiancee doesn't seem to want to plan a wedding anytime
soon...then there's my Bible study ladies. Then
Chrysalis (aforementioned spiritual retreat) and Bo (a
good friend that I met at youth group at my old
church--he's a grumpy old man too, but he's been
really good to me--see email from this morning)'s job
situation. And you and your family...but God is good,
faithful and perfect.
Jamie (june 27, 11:47 am): I just wanted you to know I
prayed for you. Also, about the Reid thing, I think
all you can do is let go and let God and hope that
Reid will do the same. You said before that him being
the head [is the most important] that you have to wait
and let him decide, but maybe rather than fretting
about it you should just be his friend and trust that
God will take care of the rest if it's to happen. If
not, He might have someone else wonderful planned for
you.
Me (june 27, 12:50 pm): Thanks! Just got your message.
And I completely agree. I've let it go. I can only be
who I am and if he's interested, great. If not, well,
I have my God and really, that's where my comfort and
future lie. Thanks for being such a good influence on
me.
_____________end blog_________________
So, I've really found a peace. My heart is calm and I
feel completely pulled into Christ and everything else
has faded edges. Of course I still want a whirlwind
romance with Reid, and sure I'll probably be a bit
disappointed if it doesn't happen--but my timetable
and agenda is nothing compared to His and I really
don't want to try to compete.
thanks friend for all that you are and all that you
mean to me.
love, anna
From: "Jenny"
To: "Anna"
Subject: Re: Well, now that's what I can an evening of excitement
Wow, that's a lot of emotion to go through in such a short period of time. I'm glad you're ok, and I'm glad you're seeing God in this. I'm going to go ahead and be that girl and bring up Bible Discussion in Isle Au Haut yesterday where we talked about the prodigal son... Luke 15, it's worth reading over.
Let me know what I can pray for.
My response:
Date: Wed, 28 Jun 2006 06:50:18 -0700 (PDT)
From: "Anna"
Subject: Re: Well, now that's what I can an evening of excitement
To: "Jenny"
Thanks. I feel good. Really good and positive. So
that's nice.
I have a blog that I keep as a journal/prayer list and
this is what I wrote yesterday--it'll give you a Reid
update. The texts are between me and Jamie, Reid's
sister. I'll put explanations in parentheses.
Text messaging
Me (june 26, 11:40 pm): Love you too. It just seems
like when it rains, it pours. Pardon the storm and
rain joke (it stormed all weekend here in the ATL).
I've just got a lot of praying to do. I'm extremely
nervous for your brother to be home in the fact that I
don't know if these thoughts of him have been made up
by me, which has happened before, or if it's really of
God. If it's of me, then I'm mad at myself for not
sticking to my year commitment. I really just want to
guard my heart. Then there's Ashley (my best friend
whom Jamie also know from high school and we're all
working a spiritual retreat together called Chrysalis
not this weekend but the next)'s future and faith to
pray for. Then my former and only love Joe (Joe, the
Joe you don't know but you feel like you do) called
and he's having a hard time with the fact that his
fiancee doesn't seem to want to plan a wedding anytime
soon...then there's my Bible study ladies. Then
Chrysalis (aforementioned spiritual retreat) and Bo (a
good friend that I met at youth group at my old
church--he's a grumpy old man too, but he's been
really good to me--see email from this morning)'s job
situation. And you and your family...but God is good,
faithful and perfect.
Jamie (june 27, 11:47 am): I just wanted you to know I
prayed for you. Also, about the Reid thing, I think
all you can do is let go and let God and hope that
Reid will do the same. You said before that him being
the head [is the most important] that you have to wait
and let him decide, but maybe rather than fretting
about it you should just be his friend and trust that
God will take care of the rest if it's to happen. If
not, He might have someone else wonderful planned for
you.
Me (june 27, 12:50 pm): Thanks! Just got your message.
And I completely agree. I've let it go. I can only be
who I am and if he's interested, great. If not, well,
I have my God and really, that's where my comfort and
future lie. Thanks for being such a good influence on
me.
_____________end blog_________________
So, I've really found a peace. My heart is calm and I
feel completely pulled into Christ and everything else
has faded edges. Of course I still want a whirlwind
romance with Reid, and sure I'll probably be a bit
disappointed if it doesn't happen--but my timetable
and agenda is nothing compared to His and I really
don't want to try to compete.
thanks friend for all that you are and all that you
mean to me.
love, anna
Re: Well, now that's what I can an evening of excitement
So I just was doing my daily reading and thought you
all might enjoy this little tidbit (especially verse
13):
Colossians 3:12-17 (New International Version)
12 Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly
loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness,
humility, gentleness and patience. 13 Bear with each
other and forgive whatever grievances you may have
against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.
14 And over all these virtues put on love, which binds
them all together in perfect unity.
15 Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since
as members of one body you were called to peace. And
be thankful. 16 Let the word of Christ dwell in you
richly as you teach and admonish one another with all
wisdom, and as you sing psalms, hymns and spiritual
songs with gratitude in your hearts to God. 17 And
whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in
the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the
Father through him.
So I just was doing my daily reading and thought you
all might enjoy this little tidbit (especially verse
13):
Colossians 3:12-17 (New International Version)
12 Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly
loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness,
humility, gentleness and patience. 13 Bear with each
other and forgive whatever grievances you may have
against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.
14 And over all these virtues put on love, which binds
them all together in perfect unity.
15 Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since
as members of one body you were called to peace. And
be thankful. 16 Let the word of Christ dwell in you
richly as you teach and admonish one another with all
wisdom, and as you sing psalms, hymns and spiritual
songs with gratitude in your hearts to God. 17 And
whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in
the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the
Father through him.
Date: Wed, 28 Jun 2006 05:51:51 -0700 (PDT)
From: "Anna"
Subject: Well, now that's what I can an evening of excitement
To: Jamie, Ashley, Joe, Caryn, Bo, Jay
CC: Buzz, Jenny, Emlet, Susan
Well, I'm at work now and actually have things that
need to get done by that 9 am deadline (it's a 9 am
deadline Jay, can you believe it?)
Right, well, I just want to thank you all for being so
supportive last night. I momentarily lost a grasp on
reality seeing that as I thought my dad was dead, when
in all actuality he's been living in midtown Atlanta
this whole time.
I was hurt, shocked, strangely relieved, scared, etc
etc etc--a whole gamut of emotions was upon me when he
called. I spoke with all of you over text or actually
speaking (and then I CC'd some people on here, so,
yeah, you can figure out who you are)--and some were
angry along with me, some were mystified with me, some
were speechless. And that's great--because I was at
all times all of those things.
Then right before I was going to sleep I decided to
text dear ole Bo and tell him the happenings of the
night--normally, I wouldn't have because he's a recent
addition to my life (yes, I like to refer to friends
as my own personal accessories, hope that's ok) and he
doesn't know my Sex, Drugs and Rock and Roll years and
trying to explain to someone that my dad showed up
after 4 years of being completely missing and absent
would have proven to be difficult. However, Bo and I
had a chance to speak a little bit frankly while at a
real classy birthday party on Saturday night--classy
as in we were able to talk between fireworks being
aimed at people, the neighbor's bushes catching on
fire, a fiery shot hitting the neighbors house, little
kids running around drunk people with incendiary
devices, completely and utterly drunk people thinking
they were Ladies of the Night and other such classy
party accoutrement. Right, well, Bo is a man that
puts family above all and I guess never really
understood the rift between my sisters and then when I
told him my dad had been missing for 4 years, he was
mystified (am I allowed to use mystified twice in one
email? Is that too creepy? Perhaps I'll use
befuddled.) Yes, he was befuddled.
Well, back to the point. I texted him that my dad
called and is apparently alive and well. He texted
back "Cooool!" My response was less than pleasant. I
don't have to directly quote myself here because,
well, this is my email and I can paint myself in
whatever light I choose :). His next response was,
"Yeah, but he's still your dad!"
I promptly called him and with a righteous indignation
tried to convey the many reasons I shouldn't and
wouldn't be excited or welcoming of the re-entrance of
my dad in my life. He was having none of it, and
perhaps in a tone I took as rude, he simply stated
that family is family and you can't live in the past.
My dad's back in my life now and there is absolutely
nothing that can be done to frost over the Bad Years.
I've found peace about All Of That, I've grown and
I've done nothing but grow closer to God and my
friends because of it. So, why try to reopen those
wounds? Why try to get answers out of a freshly turned
62-year-old man? He's my dad, Bo, you're right. I
would just be acting like a bitter, jaded teenager if
I refused his request to reappear. I would carry my
hurt and pain like a albatross, or perhaps a trophy,
showing how righteous I am--when in actuality, he's my
dad and as he said on the phone, his mom's dead, his
sister won't speak with him and neither will his uncle
(who's very close to his age.) I'm the only family
he's got. And if in his position, would I want to be
left alone by my only child? Unable to close the door
on the past and move on? Indeed I would not.
So by the grace of God I feel amazing this morning and
I'm ready to move forward. So, I'm thinking of getting
a big group together to go out to eat and invite my
dad. You're all invited. I think it'd be fun.
And a sincere apology goes out to my friend and pal
Buzz. He called last night in the middle of all
this and I didn't have the energy to talk or perhaps
even be friendly. So, Chris, I'm sorry, and I'll call
you tonight when I get off work.
Thanks again to all of you. You mean the world.
love, anna
From: "Anna"
Subject: Well, now that's what I can an evening of excitement
To: Jamie, Ashley, Joe, Caryn, Bo, Jay
CC: Buzz, Jenny, Emlet, Susan
Well, I'm at work now and actually have things that
need to get done by that 9 am deadline (it's a 9 am
deadline Jay, can you believe it?)
Right, well, I just want to thank you all for being so
supportive last night. I momentarily lost a grasp on
reality seeing that as I thought my dad was dead, when
in all actuality he's been living in midtown Atlanta
this whole time.
I was hurt, shocked, strangely relieved, scared, etc
etc etc--a whole gamut of emotions was upon me when he
called. I spoke with all of you over text or actually
speaking (and then I CC'd some people on here, so,
yeah, you can figure out who you are)--and some were
angry along with me, some were mystified with me, some
were speechless. And that's great--because I was at
all times all of those things.
Then right before I was going to sleep I decided to
text dear ole Bo and tell him the happenings of the
night--normally, I wouldn't have because he's a recent
addition to my life (yes, I like to refer to friends
as my own personal accessories, hope that's ok) and he
doesn't know my Sex, Drugs and Rock and Roll years and
trying to explain to someone that my dad showed up
after 4 years of being completely missing and absent
would have proven to be difficult. However, Bo and I
had a chance to speak a little bit frankly while at a
real classy birthday party on Saturday night--classy
as in we were able to talk between fireworks being
aimed at people, the neighbor's bushes catching on
fire, a fiery shot hitting the neighbors house, little
kids running around drunk people with incendiary
devices, completely and utterly drunk people thinking
they were Ladies of the Night and other such classy
party accoutrement. Right, well, Bo is a man that
puts family above all and I guess never really
understood the rift between my sisters and then when I
told him my dad had been missing for 4 years, he was
mystified (am I allowed to use mystified twice in one
email? Is that too creepy? Perhaps I'll use
befuddled.) Yes, he was befuddled.
Well, back to the point. I texted him that my dad
called and is apparently alive and well. He texted
back "Cooool!" My response was less than pleasant. I
don't have to directly quote myself here because,
well, this is my email and I can paint myself in
whatever light I choose :). His next response was,
"Yeah, but he's still your dad!"
I promptly called him and with a righteous indignation
tried to convey the many reasons I shouldn't and
wouldn't be excited or welcoming of the re-entrance of
my dad in my life. He was having none of it, and
perhaps in a tone I took as rude, he simply stated
that family is family and you can't live in the past.
My dad's back in my life now and there is absolutely
nothing that can be done to frost over the Bad Years.
I've found peace about All Of That, I've grown and
I've done nothing but grow closer to God and my
friends because of it. So, why try to reopen those
wounds? Why try to get answers out of a freshly turned
62-year-old man? He's my dad, Bo, you're right. I
would just be acting like a bitter, jaded teenager if
I refused his request to reappear. I would carry my
hurt and pain like a albatross, or perhaps a trophy,
showing how righteous I am--when in actuality, he's my
dad and as he said on the phone, his mom's dead, his
sister won't speak with him and neither will his uncle
(who's very close to his age.) I'm the only family
he's got. And if in his position, would I want to be
left alone by my only child? Unable to close the door
on the past and move on? Indeed I would not.
So by the grace of God I feel amazing this morning and
I'm ready to move forward. So, I'm thinking of getting
a big group together to go out to eat and invite my
dad. You're all invited. I think it'd be fun.
And a sincere apology goes out to my friend and pal
Buzz. He called last night in the middle of all
this and I didn't have the energy to talk or perhaps
even be friendly. So, Chris, I'm sorry, and I'll call
you tonight when I get off work.
Thanks again to all of you. You mean the world.
love, anna
Tuesday, June 27, 2006
thanks be to God
thanks be to God for opening my eyes to true worship. thank you for your love that breaks my ties that bind. thank you for taking me just as I am. I don't have to achieve some level or understand just the next point to be "ok" in your eyes.
thank you for my 20-year-elder for saying, "strange how we've become the women we never wanted to be." thank you for that comfort. obviously they never wanted to become older and single...thank you for recognizing that I was pitying them and somehow looking down on them when I am no better. I don't miraculously have a better life lined up. I'm just the same as them. we're all redeemed and loved and have a purpose.
please don't let me become withdrawn and bitter. let me live each day to its fullest. each day reflecting your light and glory and love and life.
I only want to live the life you've got planned for me. I was to be obedient and submissive to your Call. Father, I completely give over to you my Reid fascination. I am no longer bound by a condemnation over each and every thought...when they come, Lord, I just want to bring them to you. Each and every one. I want to bring them to you, and only by Your Power will I be able to make small steps back into being right with you concerning all my thoughts and dreams. I am no longer held under the power of fear of the future. If Reid is the one you've chosen for me, terrific. You are mighty and you will make that happen. If Reid isn't the one, then I hand him over to you. I am not responsible for fretting or worrying or being scared of doing and saying the right thing to fit into whatever mold I think he has for me.
I am who I am, in you. I say what I say, Lord, and I want it all to be In You. I live my life, step by step, in Your Light and Your Grace. Help me become a Proverbs 31 woman. I want to have a humble, servant's heart. I want to feel Your Beauty inside of me and I want to reflect that to others.
God, please be in me. Be my first thought when I wake and be my last thought before sleep. Help me break the bonds of habits and patterns. You are the ultimate life changer.
You know the hair count on my head. Help me to trust in your will for the day and for my life. I honestly and truly only want to be in Your Will. My hopes and dreams are still alive and well; You know them. But let me not be controlled by them. Let me align those hopes and dreams with your Line. Help me hear your voice more clearly. Help me discern your Yes, your No and your Wait. And no matter your answer, give me peace and a hope for the rest of my days.
Thank you for all you've done. Thank you for how you're changing me. Thank you for forgiving me. Thank you for being a very real father for me. Thank you for your rules and guidelines and most importantly, thank you for your love.
Thank you for Hope. Thank you for Peace. Thank you for Your word spoken through other people, especially my friends. Thank you for bringing those good for me into my life. Thank you for taking the sting out of my bite. Thank you for exposing me to those I formerly scoffed. Thank you making me grow.
thanks be to God for opening my eyes to true worship. thank you for your love that breaks my ties that bind. thank you for taking me just as I am. I don't have to achieve some level or understand just the next point to be "ok" in your eyes.
thank you for my 20-year-elder for saying, "strange how we've become the women we never wanted to be." thank you for that comfort. obviously they never wanted to become older and single...thank you for recognizing that I was pitying them and somehow looking down on them when I am no better. I don't miraculously have a better life lined up. I'm just the same as them. we're all redeemed and loved and have a purpose.
please don't let me become withdrawn and bitter. let me live each day to its fullest. each day reflecting your light and glory and love and life.
I only want to live the life you've got planned for me. I was to be obedient and submissive to your Call. Father, I completely give over to you my Reid fascination. I am no longer bound by a condemnation over each and every thought...when they come, Lord, I just want to bring them to you. Each and every one. I want to bring them to you, and only by Your Power will I be able to make small steps back into being right with you concerning all my thoughts and dreams. I am no longer held under the power of fear of the future. If Reid is the one you've chosen for me, terrific. You are mighty and you will make that happen. If Reid isn't the one, then I hand him over to you. I am not responsible for fretting or worrying or being scared of doing and saying the right thing to fit into whatever mold I think he has for me.
I am who I am, in you. I say what I say, Lord, and I want it all to be In You. I live my life, step by step, in Your Light and Your Grace. Help me become a Proverbs 31 woman. I want to have a humble, servant's heart. I want to feel Your Beauty inside of me and I want to reflect that to others.
God, please be in me. Be my first thought when I wake and be my last thought before sleep. Help me break the bonds of habits and patterns. You are the ultimate life changer.
You know the hair count on my head. Help me to trust in your will for the day and for my life. I honestly and truly only want to be in Your Will. My hopes and dreams are still alive and well; You know them. But let me not be controlled by them. Let me align those hopes and dreams with your Line. Help me hear your voice more clearly. Help me discern your Yes, your No and your Wait. And no matter your answer, give me peace and a hope for the rest of my days.
Thank you for all you've done. Thank you for how you're changing me. Thank you for forgiving me. Thank you for being a very real father for me. Thank you for your rules and guidelines and most importantly, thank you for your love.
Thank you for Hope. Thank you for Peace. Thank you for Your word spoken through other people, especially my friends. Thank you for bringing those good for me into my life. Thank you for taking the sting out of my bite. Thank you for exposing me to those I formerly scoffed. Thank you making me grow.
Text messaging
Me: Love you too. It just seems like when it rains, it pours. Pardon the storm and rain joke. I've just got a lot of praying to do. I'm extremely nervous for your brother to be home in the fact that I don't know if these thoughts of him have been made up by me, which has happened before, or if it's really of God. If it's of me, then I'm mad at myself for not sticking to my year commitment. I really just want to guard my heart. Then there's Ashley's future and faith to pray for. Then my former and only love Joe called and he's having a hard time with the fact that his fiancee doesn't seem to want to plan a wedding anytime soon...then there's my Bible study ladies. Then Chrysalis and Bo's job situation. And you and your family...but God is good, faithful and perfect.
Jamie: I just wanted you to know I prayed for you. Also, about the Reid thing, I think all you can do is let go and let God and hope that Reid will do the same. You said before that him being the head that you have to wait and let him decide, but maybe rather than fretting about it you should just be his friend and trust that God will take care of the rest if it's to happen. If not, He might have someone else wonderful planned for you.
Me: Thanks! Just got your message. And I completely agree. I've let it go. I can only be who I am and if he's interested, great. If not, well, I have my God and really, that's where my comfort and future lie. Thanks for being such a good influence on me.
Me: Love you too. It just seems like when it rains, it pours. Pardon the storm and rain joke. I've just got a lot of praying to do. I'm extremely nervous for your brother to be home in the fact that I don't know if these thoughts of him have been made up by me, which has happened before, or if it's really of God. If it's of me, then I'm mad at myself for not sticking to my year commitment. I really just want to guard my heart. Then there's Ashley's future and faith to pray for. Then my former and only love Joe called and he's having a hard time with the fact that his fiancee doesn't seem to want to plan a wedding anytime soon...then there's my Bible study ladies. Then Chrysalis and Bo's job situation. And you and your family...but God is good, faithful and perfect.
Jamie: I just wanted you to know I prayed for you. Also, about the Reid thing, I think all you can do is let go and let God and hope that Reid will do the same. You said before that him being the head that you have to wait and let him decide, but maybe rather than fretting about it you should just be his friend and trust that God will take care of the rest if it's to happen. If not, He might have someone else wonderful planned for you.
Me: Thanks! Just got your message. And I completely agree. I've let it go. I can only be who I am and if he's interested, great. If not, well, I have my God and really, that's where my comfort and future lie. Thanks for being such a good influence on me.
Email to Joe
Date: Tue, 27 Jun 2006 08:16:19 -0700 (PDT)
From: "Anna"
Subject: yeah, about that...
To: jrphil2002@yahoo.com
I still don't know where I stand on the issue of not
being able to dislike someone you pray for...perhaps
I'm not praying hard enough. I'll get back to you on
that one. thanks for the heads up though.
I'm tremendously glad we got to talk last night...I
miss our talks. I'm glad your tenure in Biloxi is
almost over. I'm sad that I couldn't coordinate a
trip...it's my own fault for waiting too long to ask
for time off. I'm very sorry and I'd be a little
miffed at me too if I were you, so it's all cool, yo.
Right, so I wrote those first two paragraphs at like
745 and then apparently I got busy with work and just
now saw the window open again...
Sorry for the two phone calls this morning--but I
couldn't find your current address. But I did finally
find your last email with the second address in it--so
you have something in the mail today! hooray!
ALERT! HEY! JOE! I just wrote all that is below and
it's long. I know you want to be a good steward of
your time on the Internet--so if you don't have time
to read all that's below, I'm printing it out and
sending it to you like a regular letter along with
some CDs that I mention below. So, don't fret if you
can't read this now. I just needed to write it now.
Right, so you asked if there was anything I wanted to
tell you last night before we hung up...and I've
really been thinking about it. I told you about Reid
coming back from Brazil...and that was big for me--I
don't wear my heart on my sleeve when it comes to that
kind of stuff. Last November I chose to have a year of
purity--really just concentrate on the books I read,
movies I watch, TV shows, etc--really monitoring what
I was letting into my head and my heart and my life. I
also have a pretty good knack for having innocuous
crushes that take a lot of attention in my thought
life.
Well, my journey since last November hasn't been
perfect. But I notice things a lot more and my
readings of late have really pointed to guarding my
heart and my mind and He will honor my diligence. So,
that's been a true blessing--knowing I'm not captive
to my over-active imagination. Well, I've known Reid
for a good many years--he's several years younger than
I am and I've seen him go and grow through a lot. I
absolutely love his family and I'm working this
Chrysalis with his mom and sister, so that's exciting.
It's like a loving family I've never had...so, before
he left I had fleeting thoughts of attraction--and we
would have a good time at 722 and just hanging out
with friends. Well, since he's been in Brazil for the
past 6 months, "out of sight, out of mind" has
certainly NOT been a true adage for me. So, my prayer
request and perhaps concern is that I truly want to
guard my heart and be solely focused on God. As of
right now I can't discern if all these thoughts and
emotions have been of my own creation, or if God has
really laid this guy on my heart for whatever reason.
See, Joe, I heard a sermon series back in
November/December at 722 that has truly changed my
life. Truly. And I just decided that I'm going to burn
it for you--so it's currently being burned now and
I'll get it in the mail today. But it's a series on
Love and Marriage by this guy named Voddie Baucham
(out of Houston) and he truly speaks the Truth and it
was a beautiful thing. It broke through a lot of
barriers I had around my heart--because I finally felt
like the things I always felt were Truth on the inside
were ok and really were God's Truth--because I may
have conformed to what the world thought love and
marriage were and meant...but I never believed the
world. I always knew I wanted something more and
something different. I want a Biblically sound
marriage. I don't want that women's lib marriage you
spoke of. I don't want to "wear the pants" in the
family. I don't want to put a career above my home.
And Voddie put into words exactly what I felt God
saying to my heart. It's been an amazing journey for
me, my life and especially for my heart since God
introduced His word and desires for me through Voddie.
I don't want to date just for dating's sake. I never
have. I've always been one to jump into things, head
and heart first--and I've known for a long time that I
don't have enough in me to just share all of that with
more than one man. So, partly through decision, partly
through circumstance (cause let's be honest, the big
girl on the block doesn't get asked out a lot), I
haven't ever really "dated" anyone. And I've finally
made a true peace with that fact...I've always looked
at people in relationships--and yes, I'm happy for
them, but part of me feels inadequate and incomplete.
I no longer feel that way. I made a freeing decision
this past Sunday--that I would rather be alone and
single all my days and be inside His grace and mercy
than to be with someone surrounded by God's
disappointment.
I say all of this to show the true import of where I
stand with Reid. Only once in my life have I felt like
I was called by God to invest in a man...and that was
really difficult. I was in it for a long time, a lot
was invested, and God has brought me to the other side
triumphantly--what I learned about God, men and
especially myself during that time was and is
invaluable, but it was a big step and commitment. I
don't want to fall into a man-made trap, entangling my
heart and emotions and thoughts with Reid if it isn't
what God wants. So my prayer is to guard my heart and
to sit tight. I know I slip up because I want all
that's going on inside of me to be shared...so I say
or do things that aren't my place to say or do. I'm
tired of making the first move. I want and need to be
pursued. So, until that time. I'll be warm, I'll smile
and I'll keep my lips shut up tight.
So, your prayers are appreciated.
Now, on to other matters. I'm really concerned about
your impending nuptials. I am of course you and Beth's
biggest fan (well, literally and figuratively). I wish
and pray and hope the very, very best for you
both...but it pains me that a pretty little wedding
isn't in the near future... So, I don't want to say
anything here that would be hurtful or unhelpful or
un-thought-out. So I won't. But just know that I'm
praying very hard with much passion for both of you
guys. I, again, want the very best for you. You mean a
lot to me Joe and I just want to see God's will
fulfilled fully through and in you.
Much love and friendship. anna.
Date: Tue, 27 Jun 2006 08:16:19 -0700 (PDT)
From: "Anna"
Subject: yeah, about that...
To: jrphil2002@yahoo.com
I still don't know where I stand on the issue of not
being able to dislike someone you pray for...perhaps
I'm not praying hard enough. I'll get back to you on
that one. thanks for the heads up though.
I'm tremendously glad we got to talk last night...I
miss our talks. I'm glad your tenure in Biloxi is
almost over. I'm sad that I couldn't coordinate a
trip...it's my own fault for waiting too long to ask
for time off. I'm very sorry and I'd be a little
miffed at me too if I were you, so it's all cool, yo.
Right, so I wrote those first two paragraphs at like
745 and then apparently I got busy with work and just
now saw the window open again...
Sorry for the two phone calls this morning--but I
couldn't find your current address. But I did finally
find your last email with the second address in it--so
you have something in the mail today! hooray!
ALERT! HEY! JOE! I just wrote all that is below and
it's long. I know you want to be a good steward of
your time on the Internet--so if you don't have time
to read all that's below, I'm printing it out and
sending it to you like a regular letter along with
some CDs that I mention below. So, don't fret if you
can't read this now. I just needed to write it now.
Right, so you asked if there was anything I wanted to
tell you last night before we hung up...and I've
really been thinking about it. I told you about Reid
coming back from Brazil...and that was big for me--I
don't wear my heart on my sleeve when it comes to that
kind of stuff. Last November I chose to have a year of
purity--really just concentrate on the books I read,
movies I watch, TV shows, etc--really monitoring what
I was letting into my head and my heart and my life. I
also have a pretty good knack for having innocuous
crushes that take a lot of attention in my thought
life.
Well, my journey since last November hasn't been
perfect. But I notice things a lot more and my
readings of late have really pointed to guarding my
heart and my mind and He will honor my diligence. So,
that's been a true blessing--knowing I'm not captive
to my over-active imagination. Well, I've known Reid
for a good many years--he's several years younger than
I am and I've seen him go and grow through a lot. I
absolutely love his family and I'm working this
Chrysalis with his mom and sister, so that's exciting.
It's like a loving family I've never had...so, before
he left I had fleeting thoughts of attraction--and we
would have a good time at 722 and just hanging out
with friends. Well, since he's been in Brazil for the
past 6 months, "out of sight, out of mind" has
certainly NOT been a true adage for me. So, my prayer
request and perhaps concern is that I truly want to
guard my heart and be solely focused on God. As of
right now I can't discern if all these thoughts and
emotions have been of my own creation, or if God has
really laid this guy on my heart for whatever reason.
See, Joe, I heard a sermon series back in
November/December at 722 that has truly changed my
life. Truly. And I just decided that I'm going to burn
it for you--so it's currently being burned now and
I'll get it in the mail today. But it's a series on
Love and Marriage by this guy named Voddie Baucham
(out of Houston) and he truly speaks the Truth and it
was a beautiful thing. It broke through a lot of
barriers I had around my heart--because I finally felt
like the things I always felt were Truth on the inside
were ok and really were God's Truth--because I may
have conformed to what the world thought love and
marriage were and meant...but I never believed the
world. I always knew I wanted something more and
something different. I want a Biblically sound
marriage. I don't want that women's lib marriage you
spoke of. I don't want to "wear the pants" in the
family. I don't want to put a career above my home.
And Voddie put into words exactly what I felt God
saying to my heart. It's been an amazing journey for
me, my life and especially for my heart since God
introduced His word and desires for me through Voddie.
I don't want to date just for dating's sake. I never
have. I've always been one to jump into things, head
and heart first--and I've known for a long time that I
don't have enough in me to just share all of that with
more than one man. So, partly through decision, partly
through circumstance (cause let's be honest, the big
girl on the block doesn't get asked out a lot), I
haven't ever really "dated" anyone. And I've finally
made a true peace with that fact...I've always looked
at people in relationships--and yes, I'm happy for
them, but part of me feels inadequate and incomplete.
I no longer feel that way. I made a freeing decision
this past Sunday--that I would rather be alone and
single all my days and be inside His grace and mercy
than to be with someone surrounded by God's
disappointment.
I say all of this to show the true import of where I
stand with Reid. Only once in my life have I felt like
I was called by God to invest in a man...and that was
really difficult. I was in it for a long time, a lot
was invested, and God has brought me to the other side
triumphantly--what I learned about God, men and
especially myself during that time was and is
invaluable, but it was a big step and commitment. I
don't want to fall into a man-made trap, entangling my
heart and emotions and thoughts with Reid if it isn't
what God wants. So my prayer is to guard my heart and
to sit tight. I know I slip up because I want all
that's going on inside of me to be shared...so I say
or do things that aren't my place to say or do. I'm
tired of making the first move. I want and need to be
pursued. So, until that time. I'll be warm, I'll smile
and I'll keep my lips shut up tight.
So, your prayers are appreciated.
Now, on to other matters. I'm really concerned about
your impending nuptials. I am of course you and Beth's
biggest fan (well, literally and figuratively). I wish
and pray and hope the very, very best for you
both...but it pains me that a pretty little wedding
isn't in the near future... So, I don't want to say
anything here that would be hurtful or unhelpful or
un-thought-out. So I won't. But just know that I'm
praying very hard with much passion for both of you
guys. I, again, want the very best for you. You mean a
lot to me Joe and I just want to see God's will
fulfilled fully through and in you.
Much love and friendship. anna.
The One who made creatures that cannot be controlled is Himself beyond our control and understanding.
Great is the Lord, He is holy and just;
By His power we trust in His love.
Great is the Lord, He is faithful and true;
By His mercy He proves He is love.
Creation is filled with signs that point to the Creator.
"I know your heart. I can discern your truest motives before you utter a word. Think about Me and about My words to you. Submit every thought to Me. I will help you capture every unholy thought and turn your heart toward Me again. When you feed your heart with My spiritual food, an abundance of treasure will emerge."
". . . having nothing . . . ." Never hold anything in reserve. Pour yourself out, giving the best that you have, and always be poor. Never be diplomatic and careful with the treasure God gives you. ". . . and yet possessing all things"— this is poverty triumphant ( 2 Corinthians 6:10 ).
Great is the Lord, He is holy and just;
By His power we trust in His love.
Great is the Lord, He is faithful and true;
By His mercy He proves He is love.
Creation is filled with signs that point to the Creator.
"I know your heart. I can discern your truest motives before you utter a word. Think about Me and about My words to you. Submit every thought to Me. I will help you capture every unholy thought and turn your heart toward Me again. When you feed your heart with My spiritual food, an abundance of treasure will emerge."
". . . having nothing . . . ." Never hold anything in reserve. Pour yourself out, giving the best that you have, and always be poor. Never be diplomatic and careful with the treasure God gives you. ". . . and yet possessing all things"— this is poverty triumphant ( 2 Corinthians 6:10 ).
Friday, June 23, 2006
The One who made creatures that cannot be controlled is Himself beyond our control and understanding.
Great is the Lord, He is holy and just;
By His power we trust in His love.
Great is the Lord, He is faithful and true;
By His mercy He proves He is love.
Creation is filled with signs that point to the Creator.
"I know your heart. I can discern your truest motives before you utter a word. Think about Me and about My words to you. Submit every thought to Me. I will help you capture every unholy thought and turn your heart toward Me again. When you feed your heart with My spiritual food, an abundance of treasure will emerge."
Great is the Lord, He is holy and just;
By His power we trust in His love.
Great is the Lord, He is faithful and true;
By His mercy He proves He is love.
Creation is filled with signs that point to the Creator.
"I know your heart. I can discern your truest motives before you utter a word. Think about Me and about My words to you. Submit every thought to Me. I will help you capture every unholy thought and turn your heart toward Me again. When you feed your heart with My spiritual food, an abundance of treasure will emerge."
Wednesday, June 21, 2006
Thursday, June 15, 2006
Response from The Book (unabridged version)
Yes, I agree with you. God is a whole lot bigger than politics and personality conflicts. Those are two very human things that we can let get in the way of God's big picture. But I think it must've been totally necessary for us to take a brief (a couple of years?) hiatus from Chrysalis. I honestly can't really think of anything I have to do during July 7(Thursday), 8 (Friday), or 9 (Saturday) except baby sit Jansen on Thursday and Friday. Maybe I can get my sister to call his other baby-sitter and she'll keep him those two days? I'll give Vivian a call. Wow, Frankie and her family are having a hard time right now.
And don't be scared, but during all the little songs the kids learn during bible school I found myself singing and doing the motions to "Pharoh Pharoh" more than once. Hahahah!
Ok, I'll get to Reid in just a minute cause I do have some things to type about that. But bear with me.
I think we're both totally on the same page. Ok, Monday-Wednesday of this week I went to Columbus to help my friend Carley (she graduated with me and had those really great metal sculptures of women at the art show) out with vacation bible school. She had a class of 5th and 6th graders and they were wild, but that's beside the point. I really didn't feel like I was helping out at all, but I don't think I was suppose to. I really believe that God allowed me to go down there to spend time with Carley and her husband Ben because they are such a strong Christian couple. Carley is a new Christian as she was only saved about 3 years ago. Well, she and her husband are just so prayerful and faithful. They put God first, even before each other. Everything they do in their lives is so God-centered and it was just such a blessing to spend time with them and have such good conversations about life, faith, prayers...etc.
So, while spending time with them I was made to realize how much my relationship with God is truly lacking. Especially since I moved back home. I'm so comfortable because I'm around people that love me and everything is so safe and planned----so spiritually (and physcially) I've just become quite lazy. Well, last week I started jogging/power-walking and I've decided to do that at least 3 days a week because it gets me out of the house and off the couch and allows me to think. I also unearthed my Max Lucado books from a big black trunk. I just need to have that strength and that faith. I want the reinforcement of being around Christian people, going to God with everything---whether it's a career choice or a hang-nail, praying and just talking to him more. I'm tired of uber-erotic thoughts and succumbing (sp?) to temptation whether it's mental or physical. I'm tired of feeling so far away from God for reasons all my own. I want the security of a Father that is nothing like my earthly father. I long for the peace that comes with trusting in him for everything. My new favorite verse that has come up a couple of times in the past weeks, especially since I've graduated is Jeremiah 29:11---"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and hot harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future."
I am tired of taking my worries into my own hands when I have someone so much bigger than me that has outstretched arms simply waiting to hold me and take all my worries away from me. God says "Honey, I got this." And it about time I let him.
I'm not miserable and depressed and in the middle of self-loathing or anything dramatic like that. I'm just tired of relying on myself. I'm tired of allowing things of this life to take me down. I am not condemned to a future of any one else's mistakes or decisions. I am not even bound by my own mistakes. If God can forgive me then it's high time I forgave myself and got on with life.
I am very excited that I've graduated college and have a whole new part of my life that's starting. I'm confident that God will put me where I'm suppose to go so I'm trying to pray more about the job he wants me to have and the place he wants me to live. I refuse to get worried about it. I am actually very happy about being single because I'm under construction right now. I really have no desire to have someone in my life in that aspect right now. I'm not where I want to be spiritually. And also I don't want to be distracted or tempted. Ain't got time for that. So, if my family could lay off on the love connection that'd be great. If later God shows me someone that I'm suppose to be with then AMEN. But until then I'm giving my desires to him. He needs to edit the list of "must haves" that I seemed to have written down for things I want in a man. Cause until now it's been: divorced, crazy, on drugs, treats me like crap, smokes, doesn't have a relationship with God. Yeah, that list needs some work. I want to be able to walk into a room and not immediately scan the crowd for the nearest guy that pays me some attention and then run him through my crappy crappy crappy checklist and find out I have yet another miserable winner. No ma'am. I'm calling an end to those days.
About Reid. He looks very familiar. I think he wore skater-kind-of-clothes in school. I remember seeing him in the hallways. And I definately remember his sister. And how 'bout he's a man of God. Fantastic. That's so awesome that you felt so at home with him and his family over Christmas. I'd forgotten you spent time with them. And it's so inspiring to see such a strong Christian couple like his parents. Just keep Jesus in that crush on Reid. Cause we all know what happens when we delete Jesus from that equation. Yeah, OUR PANTS COME OFF---and our minds aren't anywhere near scripture, church, praying or anything even remotely holy. I'm glad to hear you sound so much more positive now because I know around the time of graduation you were struggling. But even in your times of struggle you still impress and inspire other people. My family absolutely LOVES you. They always have. I remember sitting in Jenni's back yard while Emma and Javi played on the swings---we were laying in the grass, watching the goats, and just talking and she was saying how awesome you are and what a great friend you are. You are truly the best friend I have ever had. God knew we'd need each other. We are Cornelia and Alice. We always will be. You will always be my book and I love you more than words can tell.
On another note: It is currently 11am and Jansen is STILL ASLEEP? What in the world?
On yet another note: I hung out with Kathy, my cooperating teacher from student teaching, and her kids yesterday. She's such a cool lady and I'm glad that we still talk. I was hoping we'd still talk and hang out even after student teaching was over. We all went to the pool and had fun. She has an 11 year old (Kate), 9 year old (Kurt), and 2 year old Mackenzie. We all had fun swimming and playing and getting some sun. Well, point of the story is that I bruise like a peach. At one point I was about to lay down on the plastic pool chair they have at most pools and I bumped my right calf on the edge of the chair. Even though I just bumped it, it hurt. I sat up and looked at it and my skin was lumpy where it hurt and I thought "what in the world?" So, I rubbed it and tried to smooth out the lumps. And it immediately turned purpley-blue. Nice. I put some ice on it, but that didn't seem to do a whole lot. Today it's a big bruise nearly 2 inches in all directions. I called my mom to make sure I didn't have Lukemia or something like that being that I only bumped the chair---it's not like I slammed into a concrete wall. It was plastic chair! She seems to think I simply popped a blood vessel that was close to the surface of my skin.
Even so, that's weird. And I've also got some mad carpet burn on my right knee (with matching bruise on left knee) that I earned while doing a relay race with the kids on Monday at bible school. So, it looks like I might've been beaten, but I think I'm alright. I feel ok.
I love you.
Oh, and I'm not much of a drinker either I guess. The only drinks I like the taste of have started to make my teeth hurt really bad whenever I partake. I don't know why. Sugar? Yet another strange element to my wacky body. Whatever.
Yes, I agree with you. God is a whole lot bigger than politics and personality conflicts. Those are two very human things that we can let get in the way of God's big picture. But I think it must've been totally necessary for us to take a brief (a couple of years?) hiatus from Chrysalis. I honestly can't really think of anything I have to do during July 7(Thursday), 8 (Friday), or 9 (Saturday) except baby sit Jansen on Thursday and Friday. Maybe I can get my sister to call his other baby-sitter and she'll keep him those two days? I'll give Vivian a call. Wow, Frankie and her family are having a hard time right now.
And don't be scared, but during all the little songs the kids learn during bible school I found myself singing and doing the motions to "Pharoh Pharoh" more than once. Hahahah!
Ok, I'll get to Reid in just a minute cause I do have some things to type about that. But bear with me.
I think we're both totally on the same page. Ok, Monday-Wednesday of this week I went to Columbus to help my friend Carley (she graduated with me and had those really great metal sculptures of women at the art show) out with vacation bible school. She had a class of 5th and 6th graders and they were wild, but that's beside the point. I really didn't feel like I was helping out at all, but I don't think I was suppose to. I really believe that God allowed me to go down there to spend time with Carley and her husband Ben because they are such a strong Christian couple. Carley is a new Christian as she was only saved about 3 years ago. Well, she and her husband are just so prayerful and faithful. They put God first, even before each other. Everything they do in their lives is so God-centered and it was just such a blessing to spend time with them and have such good conversations about life, faith, prayers...etc.
So, while spending time with them I was made to realize how much my relationship with God is truly lacking. Especially since I moved back home. I'm so comfortable because I'm around people that love me and everything is so safe and planned----so spiritually (and physcially) I've just become quite lazy. Well, last week I started jogging/power-walking and I've decided to do that at least 3 days a week because it gets me out of the house and off the couch and allows me to think. I also unearthed my Max Lucado books from a big black trunk. I just need to have that strength and that faith. I want the reinforcement of being around Christian people, going to God with everything---whether it's a career choice or a hang-nail, praying and just talking to him more. I'm tired of uber-erotic thoughts and succumbing (sp?) to temptation whether it's mental or physical. I'm tired of feeling so far away from God for reasons all my own. I want the security of a Father that is nothing like my earthly father. I long for the peace that comes with trusting in him for everything. My new favorite verse that has come up a couple of times in the past weeks, especially since I've graduated is Jeremiah 29:11---"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and hot harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future."
I am tired of taking my worries into my own hands when I have someone so much bigger than me that has outstretched arms simply waiting to hold me and take all my worries away from me. God says "Honey, I got this." And it about time I let him.
I'm not miserable and depressed and in the middle of self-loathing or anything dramatic like that. I'm just tired of relying on myself. I'm tired of allowing things of this life to take me down. I am not condemned to a future of any one else's mistakes or decisions. I am not even bound by my own mistakes. If God can forgive me then it's high time I forgave myself and got on with life.
I am very excited that I've graduated college and have a whole new part of my life that's starting. I'm confident that God will put me where I'm suppose to go so I'm trying to pray more about the job he wants me to have and the place he wants me to live. I refuse to get worried about it. I am actually very happy about being single because I'm under construction right now. I really have no desire to have someone in my life in that aspect right now. I'm not where I want to be spiritually. And also I don't want to be distracted or tempted. Ain't got time for that. So, if my family could lay off on the love connection that'd be great. If later God shows me someone that I'm suppose to be with then AMEN. But until then I'm giving my desires to him. He needs to edit the list of "must haves" that I seemed to have written down for things I want in a man. Cause until now it's been: divorced, crazy, on drugs, treats me like crap, smokes, doesn't have a relationship with God. Yeah, that list needs some work. I want to be able to walk into a room and not immediately scan the crowd for the nearest guy that pays me some attention and then run him through my crappy crappy crappy checklist and find out I have yet another miserable winner. No ma'am. I'm calling an end to those days.
About Reid. He looks very familiar. I think he wore skater-kind-of-clothes in school. I remember seeing him in the hallways. And I definately remember his sister. And how 'bout he's a man of God. Fantastic. That's so awesome that you felt so at home with him and his family over Christmas. I'd forgotten you spent time with them. And it's so inspiring to see such a strong Christian couple like his parents. Just keep Jesus in that crush on Reid. Cause we all know what happens when we delete Jesus from that equation. Yeah, OUR PANTS COME OFF---and our minds aren't anywhere near scripture, church, praying or anything even remotely holy. I'm glad to hear you sound so much more positive now because I know around the time of graduation you were struggling. But even in your times of struggle you still impress and inspire other people. My family absolutely LOVES you. They always have. I remember sitting in Jenni's back yard while Emma and Javi played on the swings---we were laying in the grass, watching the goats, and just talking and she was saying how awesome you are and what a great friend you are. You are truly the best friend I have ever had. God knew we'd need each other. We are Cornelia and Alice. We always will be. You will always be my book and I love you more than words can tell.
On another note: It is currently 11am and Jansen is STILL ASLEEP? What in the world?
On yet another note: I hung out with Kathy, my cooperating teacher from student teaching, and her kids yesterday. She's such a cool lady and I'm glad that we still talk. I was hoping we'd still talk and hang out even after student teaching was over. We all went to the pool and had fun. She has an 11 year old (Kate), 9 year old (Kurt), and 2 year old Mackenzie. We all had fun swimming and playing and getting some sun. Well, point of the story is that I bruise like a peach. At one point I was about to lay down on the plastic pool chair they have at most pools and I bumped my right calf on the edge of the chair. Even though I just bumped it, it hurt. I sat up and looked at it and my skin was lumpy where it hurt and I thought "what in the world?" So, I rubbed it and tried to smooth out the lumps. And it immediately turned purpley-blue. Nice. I put some ice on it, but that didn't seem to do a whole lot. Today it's a big bruise nearly 2 inches in all directions. I called my mom to make sure I didn't have Lukemia or something like that being that I only bumped the chair---it's not like I slammed into a concrete wall. It was plastic chair! She seems to think I simply popped a blood vessel that was close to the surface of my skin.
Even so, that's weird. And I've also got some mad carpet burn on my right knee (with matching bruise on left knee) that I earned while doing a relay race with the kids on Monday at bible school. So, it looks like I might've been beaten, but I think I'm alright. I feel ok.
I love you.
Oh, and I'm not much of a drinker either I guess. The only drinks I like the taste of have started to make my teeth hurt really bad whenever I partake. I don't know why. Sugar? Yet another strange element to my wacky body. Whatever.
end of june
am I setting myself up for great disappointment?
I got an email from reid this morning...I was excited to hear from him--but the Disney princess fairy tale that's buried deep inside of me wants declarations of love (or even interest!) and other whimsical things...
are these things real? or am I just setting myself up for failure?
am I setting myself up for great disappointment?
I got an email from reid this morning...I was excited to hear from him--but the Disney princess fairy tale that's buried deep inside of me wants declarations of love (or even interest!) and other whimsical things...
are these things real? or am I just setting myself up for failure?
Wednesday, June 14, 2006
An email to The Book (unabridged version)
Change in plans: I'm now working in the conference
room as a table leader! Oh my. Frankie called me last
evening and asked--and I immediately said yes. It's
strange, but I think I've come full-circle back to
Chrysalis. I just think of how much it changed my life
and how much I've seen it change others--and I think
of how Big God IS and then the politics and
personality conflicts of the whole thing just seem to
fade.
So, PLEASE come and work the kitchen--they now have a
vacancy--so the new lady doing this logistics thing is
Vivian Long (I may have made her last name up, so
preferably only reference her as Vivian) and her
number is 770-254-8120 and then of course you can call
Frankie: 706-662-2075. Be in prayer for the Mabry's--I
couldn't hear her very well last night (I was at 722),
but I believe she said that Tee had knee surgery a
couple of weeks ago, Dean and Dathan both lost their
jobs a week ago and her mom's sister (or someone like
that) died recently. Their truck broke down and
apparently all other sorts of upheaval. So, yeah.
But I'm sure they'd be delighted to hear from you. And
apparently this flight has like 18 girls signed up
(that's more than the past 3 flights combined).
Interesting note: Ok, so, well, if I haven't
completely admitted it by now, I have more than a
lasting fancy for this kid Reid. I used to call him
Underage Reid, but, well, he's not underage anymore.
Right, so he's been in Brazil since January and will
probably be coming back at the end of June. His
sister, Jamie, is your age. Jamie Collier. She was a
chorus nerd. Anyway, well, I meet up with her every
Tuesday for 722. She knows of my attachment to her
brother--and over New Year's when I was in Maine she
text messaged me how much she wishes I could become
her sister someday...Oh, that didn't send my
imagination into a tizzy, I promise.
There's a point, no really, there is. Right, so I
spent Christmas Eve with the Collier family in
Peachtree City. That's when my mom was supposed to
come down to the Byard's and, well, she didn't. And I
was bummed...so I ended up just spending hours at
their house. I did Family Jigsaw Puzzle
time--apparently a tradition with their grandmother. I
ate dinner with them and then we all went to church.
And you know what Ashley? I felt At Home. Like, as if
I belonged there and they with me. So, I've always had
an affection for the Collier family. Their parents
(Trent and Laura) have always just been so amazing and
a wonderful portrait of what a Christian couple looks
like.
I've had dreams involving Reid since he's been
gone--not my normal uber-erotic dreams, just dreams of
him being there. Just his presence. And in my Year of
Purity (ok, so I haven't been perfect--but things have
been A LOT better--just my thought patterns and
quitting harmful behaviors at their beginning, not
being sucked into them no where near as often), well,
during that year I wanted to be Guy Free. You know?
Crush Free. Well, the Year started on November 1st.
Well, Reid was around during that time, and even
though he still had immature tendencies (as we all did
at age 20), there was a fondness. Well, it's evolved
now into a Joe-sized crush. And we both know that
road. But I'm not on the road with any Joe baggage and
it's nice. It's very nice indeed. Because as I was
hashing it out with my friend Jenny (from Chop
Point--she's the one that is semi-dating my friend
Jonathan--the one who hiked the Appalachian
Trail--he's the one I drove to his father's funeral in
PA...hopefully you know who I'm talking about now...)
on the phone last night before 722 (she and I talk
about once every 4 or so months) and I told her about
Reid even back around New Year's and all that jazz and
so she asks about him. Right, I swear there's a point
here. I'm not sure when I'll get to it, but there is
one somewhere.
Jenny and I were speaking and I was just questioning
the presence of God in my Reid Crush (the RC from here
on out)...because she knows a little about Joe and I
told her that I was utterly and completely convinced
that God had put Joe and I together and that I
honestly loved him. I mean, I was in love with him and
I really thought it was all from God. And well, we all
know how that turned out. So, I'm torn because I
really feel almost the same way about the RC. But this
time it's much more gentle. With Joe, I didn't have a
clue how I was supposed to act. I was always on the
prowl and quick to act and I've now learned (thanks
Voddie) that it's not my place to prowl or act. I want
to be wanted and pursued and nothing will get in the
way of that ever again. So this time it feels much
more comfortable--I think about him a lot, but it's
not manipulative thinking. It's also not destructive
daydreaming--I think that was probably the worst part
of my Joe delusion. I had pictured how wonderful we
would be together through countless scenarios and then
I was horribly let down when things just didn't pan
out. My thoughts of Reid have just been simple
thoughts of admiration--and yes, hope. Just thinking
of what an amazing man of God he's on the road to
becoming and thinking that yes, I would like to be
eternally (goodness, how melodramatic I can be) joined
to him and his family. We have similar pasts (as in,
we lived in a world that had everything and still made
horribly destructive choices--and have both come back
to God, shored up and reassured that His life is the
only life we want) and hopefully a similar goal for
the future.
And I'll be honest, he's cute. He's not a
refrigerator. He was a mini-fridge before he left the
country, but now apparently he's shaved his head and
lost a considerate amount of weight. But whatever.
I've learned in my year that I have to love and
believe in myself before anyone else can. That sounds
so trite and elementary--but what do the thoughts,
"Oh, he'd never want to see me naked or see the scars
from one sexual escapade years and years ago,"
accomplish? Only to feel bad about myself and inferior
to everyone else. I love me. I love my life and I like
who I've become and who I'm becoming. And if that
doesn't align with what he's looking for, then so be
it. I can't always be chasing a dream of who I should
be depending on what some guy wants me (or I think he
wants me) to be. I am who I am. I continue to improve
and grow and evolve daily--but because that's what God
wants for me and that's what I want for myself--not
because I think it'll nab some guy.
Point: I want to marry this guy. As Voddie says, I
want my love choice to be Reid. I want to be a
short-term missionary's wife. I want to live out a
wonderfully Christian and faith-filled marriage
commitment with him. I want to be a part of his
family. His parents are my role models when it comes
to a marriage that works because it's always
reflecting God, not just each other. Jamie is working
the Chrysalis team. AND THE ACTUAL POINT THAT STARTED
THIS WHOLE STORY: Trent and Laura Collier are giving
the marriage talk. And I'm excited for it. Not just to
hear about them, but I really want to build that
connection with them.
Perhaps I'm on another Joe-Road of Delusion and as I
told Jenny last night, I'm really ok with that.
Because on this road I've learned so much because this
road has coincided with my Year and I've learned so
much as to who I want to be, what kind of wife I want
to be, what kind of life I want to live and what kind
of thoughts I want to have and what kind of
destructive patterns I want to break. So, even if he
doesn't come back and fall madly in love with me, I'm
ok with that. Because I've found a home in his family
and I'm happy to be working the Chrysalis with them.
You should work Chrysalis too. I'll call Vivian or
Frankie for you if you'd like.
Now, this was supposed to be a simple email...but 45
minutes later, I guess it's a Book entry.
love you. me.
OH! right, Saturday--can't make it to the birthday
party--because now I'm a table leader and I have team
training for the morning---but I might be able to make
it over there afterward. I'll be in Tyrone. I'll keep
you posted. And I'll already be in Tyrone on the 24th
because of Team Dedication, so I can probably make it
to Ricky's party. I don't know if I'm a Drinker
anymore. I think I've just worn out the novelty of it.
I always have to be responsible--so now drinking isn't
fun, so, yeah. That thought isn't more developed than
that. Sorry.
I really have work to do now. have fun today.
Change in plans: I'm now working in the conference
room as a table leader! Oh my. Frankie called me last
evening and asked--and I immediately said yes. It's
strange, but I think I've come full-circle back to
Chrysalis. I just think of how much it changed my life
and how much I've seen it change others--and I think
of how Big God IS and then the politics and
personality conflicts of the whole thing just seem to
fade.
So, PLEASE come and work the kitchen--they now have a
vacancy--so the new lady doing this logistics thing is
Vivian Long (I may have made her last name up, so
preferably only reference her as Vivian) and her
number is 770-254-8120 and then of course you can call
Frankie: 706-662-2075. Be in prayer for the Mabry's--I
couldn't hear her very well last night (I was at 722),
but I believe she said that Tee had knee surgery a
couple of weeks ago, Dean and Dathan both lost their
jobs a week ago and her mom's sister (or someone like
that) died recently. Their truck broke down and
apparently all other sorts of upheaval. So, yeah.
But I'm sure they'd be delighted to hear from you. And
apparently this flight has like 18 girls signed up
(that's more than the past 3 flights combined).
Interesting note: Ok, so, well, if I haven't
completely admitted it by now, I have more than a
lasting fancy for this kid Reid. I used to call him
Underage Reid, but, well, he's not underage anymore.
Right, so he's been in Brazil since January and will
probably be coming back at the end of June. His
sister, Jamie, is your age. Jamie Collier. She was a
chorus nerd. Anyway, well, I meet up with her every
Tuesday for 722. She knows of my attachment to her
brother--and over New Year's when I was in Maine she
text messaged me how much she wishes I could become
her sister someday...Oh, that didn't send my
imagination into a tizzy, I promise.
There's a point, no really, there is. Right, so I
spent Christmas Eve with the Collier family in
Peachtree City. That's when my mom was supposed to
come down to the Byard's and, well, she didn't. And I
was bummed...so I ended up just spending hours at
their house. I did Family Jigsaw Puzzle
time--apparently a tradition with their grandmother. I
ate dinner with them and then we all went to church.
And you know what Ashley? I felt At Home. Like, as if
I belonged there and they with me. So, I've always had
an affection for the Collier family. Their parents
(Trent and Laura) have always just been so amazing and
a wonderful portrait of what a Christian couple looks
like.
I've had dreams involving Reid since he's been
gone--not my normal uber-erotic dreams, just dreams of
him being there. Just his presence. And in my Year of
Purity (ok, so I haven't been perfect--but things have
been A LOT better--just my thought patterns and
quitting harmful behaviors at their beginning, not
being sucked into them no where near as often), well,
during that year I wanted to be Guy Free. You know?
Crush Free. Well, the Year started on November 1st.
Well, Reid was around during that time, and even
though he still had immature tendencies (as we all did
at age 20), there was a fondness. Well, it's evolved
now into a Joe-sized crush. And we both know that
road. But I'm not on the road with any Joe baggage and
it's nice. It's very nice indeed. Because as I was
hashing it out with my friend Jenny (from Chop
Point--she's the one that is semi-dating my friend
Jonathan--the one who hiked the Appalachian
Trail--he's the one I drove to his father's funeral in
PA...hopefully you know who I'm talking about now...)
on the phone last night before 722 (she and I talk
about once every 4 or so months) and I told her about
Reid even back around New Year's and all that jazz and
so she asks about him. Right, I swear there's a point
here. I'm not sure when I'll get to it, but there is
one somewhere.
Jenny and I were speaking and I was just questioning
the presence of God in my Reid Crush (the RC from here
on out)...because she knows a little about Joe and I
told her that I was utterly and completely convinced
that God had put Joe and I together and that I
honestly loved him. I mean, I was in love with him and
I really thought it was all from God. And well, we all
know how that turned out. So, I'm torn because I
really feel almost the same way about the RC. But this
time it's much more gentle. With Joe, I didn't have a
clue how I was supposed to act. I was always on the
prowl and quick to act and I've now learned (thanks
Voddie) that it's not my place to prowl or act. I want
to be wanted and pursued and nothing will get in the
way of that ever again. So this time it feels much
more comfortable--I think about him a lot, but it's
not manipulative thinking. It's also not destructive
daydreaming--I think that was probably the worst part
of my Joe delusion. I had pictured how wonderful we
would be together through countless scenarios and then
I was horribly let down when things just didn't pan
out. My thoughts of Reid have just been simple
thoughts of admiration--and yes, hope. Just thinking
of what an amazing man of God he's on the road to
becoming and thinking that yes, I would like to be
eternally (goodness, how melodramatic I can be) joined
to him and his family. We have similar pasts (as in,
we lived in a world that had everything and still made
horribly destructive choices--and have both come back
to God, shored up and reassured that His life is the
only life we want) and hopefully a similar goal for
the future.
And I'll be honest, he's cute. He's not a
refrigerator. He was a mini-fridge before he left the
country, but now apparently he's shaved his head and
lost a considerate amount of weight. But whatever.
I've learned in my year that I have to love and
believe in myself before anyone else can. That sounds
so trite and elementary--but what do the thoughts,
"Oh, he'd never want to see me naked or see the scars
from one sexual escapade years and years ago,"
accomplish? Only to feel bad about myself and inferior
to everyone else. I love me. I love my life and I like
who I've become and who I'm becoming. And if that
doesn't align with what he's looking for, then so be
it. I can't always be chasing a dream of who I should
be depending on what some guy wants me (or I think he
wants me) to be. I am who I am. I continue to improve
and grow and evolve daily--but because that's what God
wants for me and that's what I want for myself--not
because I think it'll nab some guy.
Point: I want to marry this guy. As Voddie says, I
want my love choice to be Reid. I want to be a
short-term missionary's wife. I want to live out a
wonderfully Christian and faith-filled marriage
commitment with him. I want to be a part of his
family. His parents are my role models when it comes
to a marriage that works because it's always
reflecting God, not just each other. Jamie is working
the Chrysalis team. AND THE ACTUAL POINT THAT STARTED
THIS WHOLE STORY: Trent and Laura Collier are giving
the marriage talk. And I'm excited for it. Not just to
hear about them, but I really want to build that
connection with them.
Perhaps I'm on another Joe-Road of Delusion and as I
told Jenny last night, I'm really ok with that.
Because on this road I've learned so much because this
road has coincided with my Year and I've learned so
much as to who I want to be, what kind of wife I want
to be, what kind of life I want to live and what kind
of thoughts I want to have and what kind of
destructive patterns I want to break. So, even if he
doesn't come back and fall madly in love with me, I'm
ok with that. Because I've found a home in his family
and I'm happy to be working the Chrysalis with them.
You should work Chrysalis too. I'll call Vivian or
Frankie for you if you'd like.
Now, this was supposed to be a simple email...but 45
minutes later, I guess it's a Book entry.
love you. me.
OH! right, Saturday--can't make it to the birthday
party--because now I'm a table leader and I have team
training for the morning---but I might be able to make
it over there afterward. I'll be in Tyrone. I'll keep
you posted. And I'll already be in Tyrone on the 24th
because of Team Dedication, so I can probably make it
to Ricky's party. I don't know if I'm a Drinker
anymore. I think I've just worn out the novelty of it.
I always have to be responsible--so now drinking isn't
fun, so, yeah. That thought isn't more developed than
that. Sorry.
I really have work to do now. have fun today.
Tuesday, June 13, 2006
Reid,
Do you think of me?
I'm missing your laugh and smile today. I'm missing seeing the man you're becoming.
Will I be what you're looking for?
Will I make the kind of wife you're going to need?
God? How can my life glorify you? Are these Reid-centric dreams through the night and day of you? Or have I just attached myself to yet another man that will turn into dust?
Do you care? Sometimes when I ask for relief and I feel nothing I start to wonder if I've made the whole thing up.
Do you think of me?
I'm missing your laugh and smile today. I'm missing seeing the man you're becoming.
Will I be what you're looking for?
Will I make the kind of wife you're going to need?
God? How can my life glorify you? Are these Reid-centric dreams through the night and day of you? Or have I just attached myself to yet another man that will turn into dust?
Do you care? Sometimes when I ask for relief and I feel nothing I start to wonder if I've made the whole thing up.
Monday, June 12, 2006
the import of choice and marriage vows
I'm quite disturbed by the revelations of late. Finding out that people at work aren't the fun, careless people I've built them up to be in my head is quite disheartening. We find carelessly printed out IM conversations about married people having affairs with others, a married man with a freshly un-engaged young lady...
and today--my gossiper's heart just went all aquiver--I saw aforementioned married lady fighting with her husband right in front of the building!
Of course I enjoy the inner-office whisper fodder...which makes me very sad and disappointed with myself because I really don't want to take such joy in other people's tragedies. I don't want to be THAT girl. I don't want to be that carpy old shrew. I want to be a woman worthy of being a Godly wife. I don't want to be (why do I think in these terms?) the women I see on Bridezilla and other such shows. I don't want people to have to whisper and tip-toe around me.
I want to be Laura Collier.
I want to marry her son. I want him to be my choice. MY CHOICE. I want him to choose me. I want that to be that and to never waver from it.
All my heart goes out to Voddie for preaching the Truth to me like it's never been preached, brought or told. Love is a choice. There are bad days. There are dark days. There are days when your heart and emotions and fickle and you'll want to run and hide...but it's your WILL that keeps you through. It's your decision to stay and fight it out that makes a Godly marriage.
I hate divorce. I hate what my life turned into after my parents split. They weren't happy with each other. I know that and in some ways, I'm glad they split. But then again, I was really torn and insecure through the days and years I needed security and a place to belong the most. But I really hate divorce. I hate when people just throw the towel in saying they fell out of love or found someone else...what happened to choosing your spouse? What happened to your vows and your whispered endearments? Really? Are you going to let a mortgage, failed health, failed bills, failed children drag you down a horrible, emotionally draining path that WILL NOT lead to further fulfillment?
Really?
Marriage is a choice. Love is a choice. That's why it's so important to seek God out BEFORE you make that choice to ensure you're making the right one. Because if you make a different choice than His, He still expects you to honor that choice. I hate marriages based on good looks, charm, money in the bank or cars driven. I hate marriages where there is obvious imbalance, mistrust and lies.
I just want to be warm, loving, inviting, hospitable, approachable, humble, respectful...I want him to be proud of me. Proud to call me wife and proud to lean on me and let me burrow in his chest. I don't want to be jaded by all The Life around me. I don't want to be tempted by others. I don't want to dream the dreams I dream at night, during the day without him.
Lord, what happened to "it's better to marry than be burned up by the flesh?" Am I beyond hope?
I looked in the mirror tonight, without clothes, and wasn't disgusted. Sure, I don't look like everyone else--but I like me. I love me. It's a choice. Wow. Loving who I am is a choice...powerful.
I think I'll leave it at that tonight. Loving who I am is a choice...
I am not unloveable. I don't need to completely change who I am for him. God has made me who I am and if Reid doesn't make that choice...I am not lost.
I'm quite disturbed by the revelations of late. Finding out that people at work aren't the fun, careless people I've built them up to be in my head is quite disheartening. We find carelessly printed out IM conversations about married people having affairs with others, a married man with a freshly un-engaged young lady...
and today--my gossiper's heart just went all aquiver--I saw aforementioned married lady fighting with her husband right in front of the building!
Of course I enjoy the inner-office whisper fodder...which makes me very sad and disappointed with myself because I really don't want to take such joy in other people's tragedies. I don't want to be THAT girl. I don't want to be that carpy old shrew. I want to be a woman worthy of being a Godly wife. I don't want to be (why do I think in these terms?) the women I see on Bridezilla and other such shows. I don't want people to have to whisper and tip-toe around me.
I want to be Laura Collier.
I want to marry her son. I want him to be my choice. MY CHOICE. I want him to choose me. I want that to be that and to never waver from it.
All my heart goes out to Voddie for preaching the Truth to me like it's never been preached, brought or told. Love is a choice. There are bad days. There are dark days. There are days when your heart and emotions and fickle and you'll want to run and hide...but it's your WILL that keeps you through. It's your decision to stay and fight it out that makes a Godly marriage.
I hate divorce. I hate what my life turned into after my parents split. They weren't happy with each other. I know that and in some ways, I'm glad they split. But then again, I was really torn and insecure through the days and years I needed security and a place to belong the most. But I really hate divorce. I hate when people just throw the towel in saying they fell out of love or found someone else...what happened to choosing your spouse? What happened to your vows and your whispered endearments? Really? Are you going to let a mortgage, failed health, failed bills, failed children drag you down a horrible, emotionally draining path that WILL NOT lead to further fulfillment?
Really?
Marriage is a choice. Love is a choice. That's why it's so important to seek God out BEFORE you make that choice to ensure you're making the right one. Because if you make a different choice than His, He still expects you to honor that choice. I hate marriages based on good looks, charm, money in the bank or cars driven. I hate marriages where there is obvious imbalance, mistrust and lies.
I just want to be warm, loving, inviting, hospitable, approachable, humble, respectful...I want him to be proud of me. Proud to call me wife and proud to lean on me and let me burrow in his chest. I don't want to be jaded by all The Life around me. I don't want to be tempted by others. I don't want to dream the dreams I dream at night, during the day without him.
Lord, what happened to "it's better to marry than be burned up by the flesh?" Am I beyond hope?
I looked in the mirror tonight, without clothes, and wasn't disgusted. Sure, I don't look like everyone else--but I like me. I love me. It's a choice. Wow. Loving who I am is a choice...powerful.
I think I'll leave it at that tonight. Loving who I am is a choice...
I am not unloveable. I don't need to completely change who I am for him. God has made me who I am and if Reid doesn't make that choice...I am not lost.
Reid. Reid. Reid.
Beard and piercing eyes. Soft hands. Warm heart. Stong lead.
My dreams are haunted. Literally haunted. Every night, I dream. Every day, I wish, hope, dream. I don't even do it intentionally, it rises forth from within me, unsummoned.
Is it really from you, God? Or is it just another Joe-virus?
I don't want to be like those ladies...I don't want to be an illustration point. I don't want to be secretly pitied like I pity them. I don't want to wake every night feeling dirty and less-than-pure just because some slimball awakened in me a passionate thirst before I was supposed to even know what passion was.
I fight with my own thoughts everyday. I fight with feeling dirty, used, unwanted, impossibly undesirable coupled with this intense sexual fire that can't go without flaring every couple of days.
I don't want to be that lady with cats or a hobby or a demanding job.
I don't want to be that statistic. I don't want to have to find fulfillment in romance novels, stupid TV movies and always shying away from looking at real couples with real kids with real Callings just because it hurts too much.
Am I damned to this permanent state of just not being good enough? Of being caught in limbo?
Beard and piercing eyes. Soft hands. Warm heart. Stong lead.
My dreams are haunted. Literally haunted. Every night, I dream. Every day, I wish, hope, dream. I don't even do it intentionally, it rises forth from within me, unsummoned.
Is it really from you, God? Or is it just another Joe-virus?
I don't want to be like those ladies...I don't want to be an illustration point. I don't want to be secretly pitied like I pity them. I don't want to wake every night feeling dirty and less-than-pure just because some slimball awakened in me a passionate thirst before I was supposed to even know what passion was.
I fight with my own thoughts everyday. I fight with feeling dirty, used, unwanted, impossibly undesirable coupled with this intense sexual fire that can't go without flaring every couple of days.
I don't want to be that lady with cats or a hobby or a demanding job.
I don't want to be that statistic. I don't want to have to find fulfillment in romance novels, stupid TV movies and always shying away from looking at real couples with real kids with real Callings just because it hurts too much.
Am I damned to this permanent state of just not being good enough? Of being caught in limbo?
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