An email to The Book (unabridged version)

Change in plans: I'm now working in the conference
room as a table leader! Oh my. Frankie called me last
evening and asked--and I immediately said yes. It's
strange, but I think I've come full-circle back to
Chrysalis. I just think of how much it changed my life
and how much I've seen it change others--and I think
of how Big God IS and then the politics and
personality conflicts of the whole thing just seem to
fade.

So, PLEASE come and work the kitchen--they now have a
vacancy--so the new lady doing this logistics thing is
Vivian Long (I may have made her last name up, so
preferably only reference her as Vivian) and her
number is 770-254-8120 and then of course you can call
Frankie: 706-662-2075. Be in prayer for the Mabry's--I
couldn't hear her very well last night (I was at 722),
but I believe she said that Tee had knee surgery a
couple of weeks ago, Dean and Dathan both lost their
jobs a week ago and her mom's sister (or someone like
that) died recently. Their truck broke down and
apparently all other sorts of upheaval. So, yeah.

But I'm sure they'd be delighted to hear from you. And
apparently this flight has like 18 girls signed up
(that's more than the past 3 flights combined).

Interesting note: Ok, so, well, if I haven't
completely admitted it by now, I have more than a
lasting fancy for this kid Reid. I used to call him
Underage Reid, but, well, he's not underage anymore.
Right, so he's been in Brazil since January and will
probably be coming back at the end of June. His
sister, Jamie, is your age. Jamie Collier. She was a
chorus nerd. Anyway, well, I meet up with her every
Tuesday for 722. She knows of my attachment to her
brother--and over New Year's when I was in Maine she
text messaged me how much she wishes I could become
her sister someday...Oh, that didn't send my
imagination into a tizzy, I promise.

There's a point, no really, there is. Right, so I
spent Christmas Eve with the Collier family in
Peachtree City. That's when my mom was supposed to
come down to the Byard's and, well, she didn't. And I
was bummed...so I ended up just spending hours at
their house. I did Family Jigsaw Puzzle
time--apparently a tradition with their grandmother. I
ate dinner with them and then we all went to church.
And you know what Ashley? I felt At Home. Like, as if
I belonged there and they with me. So, I've always had
an affection for the Collier family. Their parents
(Trent and Laura) have always just been so amazing and
a wonderful portrait of what a Christian couple looks
like.

I've had dreams involving Reid since he's been
gone--not my normal uber-erotic dreams, just dreams of
him being there. Just his presence. And in my Year of
Purity (ok, so I haven't been perfect--but things have
been A LOT better--just my thought patterns and
quitting harmful behaviors at their beginning, not
being sucked into them no where near as often), well,
during that year I wanted to be Guy Free. You know?
Crush Free. Well, the Year started on November 1st.
Well, Reid was around during that time, and even
though he still had immature tendencies (as we all did
at age 20), there was a fondness. Well, it's evolved
now into a Joe-sized crush. And we both know that
road. But I'm not on the road with any Joe baggage and
it's nice. It's very nice indeed. Because as I was
hashing it out with my friend Jenny (from Chop
Point--she's the one that is semi-dating my friend
Jonathan--the one who hiked the Appalachian
Trail--he's the one I drove to his father's funeral in
PA...hopefully you know who I'm talking about now...)
on the phone last night before 722 (she and I talk
about once every 4 or so months) and I told her about
Reid even back around New Year's and all that jazz and
so she asks about him. Right, I swear there's a point
here. I'm not sure when I'll get to it, but there is
one somewhere.

Jenny and I were speaking and I was just questioning
the presence of God in my Reid Crush (the RC from here
on out)...because she knows a little about Joe and I
told her that I was utterly and completely convinced
that God had put Joe and I together and that I
honestly loved him. I mean, I was in love with him and
I really thought it was all from God. And well, we all
know how that turned out. So, I'm torn because I
really feel almost the same way about the RC. But this
time it's much more gentle. With Joe, I didn't have a
clue how I was supposed to act. I was always on the
prowl and quick to act and I've now learned (thanks
Voddie) that it's not my place to prowl or act. I want
to be wanted and pursued and nothing will get in the
way of that ever again. So this time it feels much
more comfortable--I think about him a lot, but it's
not manipulative thinking. It's also not destructive
daydreaming--I think that was probably the worst part
of my Joe delusion. I had pictured how wonderful we
would be together through countless scenarios and then
I was horribly let down when things just didn't pan
out. My thoughts of Reid have just been simple
thoughts of admiration--and yes, hope. Just thinking
of what an amazing man of God he's on the road to
becoming and thinking that yes, I would like to be
eternally (goodness, how melodramatic I can be) joined
to him and his family. We have similar pasts (as in,
we lived in a world that had everything and still made
horribly destructive choices--and have both come back
to God, shored up and reassured that His life is the
only life we want) and hopefully a similar goal for
the future.

And I'll be honest, he's cute. He's not a
refrigerator. He was a mini-fridge before he left the
country, but now apparently he's shaved his head and
lost a considerate amount of weight. But whatever.

I've learned in my year that I have to love and
believe in myself before anyone else can. That sounds
so trite and elementary--but what do the thoughts,
"Oh, he'd never want to see me naked or see the scars
from one sexual escapade years and years ago,"
accomplish? Only to feel bad about myself and inferior
to everyone else. I love me. I love my life and I like
who I've become and who I'm becoming. And if that
doesn't align with what he's looking for, then so be
it. I can't always be chasing a dream of who I should
be depending on what some guy wants me (or I think he
wants me) to be. I am who I am. I continue to improve
and grow and evolve daily--but because that's what God
wants for me and that's what I want for myself--not
because I think it'll nab some guy.

Point: I want to marry this guy. As Voddie says, I
want my love choice to be Reid. I want to be a
short-term missionary's wife. I want to live out a
wonderfully Christian and faith-filled marriage
commitment with him. I want to be a part of his
family. His parents are my role models when it comes
to a marriage that works because it's always
reflecting God, not just each other. Jamie is working
the Chrysalis team. AND THE ACTUAL POINT THAT STARTED
THIS WHOLE STORY: Trent and Laura Collier are giving
the marriage talk. And I'm excited for it. Not just to
hear about them, but I really want to build that
connection with them.

Perhaps I'm on another Joe-Road of Delusion and as I
told Jenny last night, I'm really ok with that.
Because on this road I've learned so much because this
road has coincided with my Year and I've learned so
much as to who I want to be, what kind of wife I want
to be, what kind of life I want to live and what kind
of thoughts I want to have and what kind of
destructive patterns I want to break. So, even if he
doesn't come back and fall madly in love with me, I'm
ok with that. Because I've found a home in his family
and I'm happy to be working the Chrysalis with them.

You should work Chrysalis too. I'll call Vivian or
Frankie for you if you'd like.

Now, this was supposed to be a simple email...but 45
minutes later, I guess it's a Book entry.

love you. me.

OH! right, Saturday--can't make it to the birthday
party--because now I'm a table leader and I have team
training for the morning---but I might be able to make
it over there afterward. I'll be in Tyrone. I'll keep
you posted. And I'll already be in Tyrone on the 24th
because of Team Dedication, so I can probably make it
to Ricky's party. I don't know if I'm a Drinker
anymore. I think I've just worn out the novelty of it.
I always have to be responsible--so now drinking isn't
fun, so, yeah. That thought isn't more developed than
that. Sorry.

I really have work to do now. have fun today.