the import of choice and marriage vows

I'm quite disturbed by the revelations of late. Finding out that people at work aren't the fun, careless people I've built them up to be in my head is quite disheartening. We find carelessly printed out IM conversations about married people having affairs with others, a married man with a freshly un-engaged young lady...

and today--my gossiper's heart just went all aquiver--I saw aforementioned married lady fighting with her husband right in front of the building!

Of course I enjoy the inner-office whisper fodder...which makes me very sad and disappointed with myself because I really don't want to take such joy in other people's tragedies. I don't want to be THAT girl. I don't want to be that carpy old shrew. I want to be a woman worthy of being a Godly wife. I don't want to be (why do I think in these terms?) the women I see on Bridezilla and other such shows. I don't want people to have to whisper and tip-toe around me.

I want to be Laura Collier.

I want to marry her son. I want him to be my choice. MY CHOICE. I want him to choose me. I want that to be that and to never waver from it.

All my heart goes out to Voddie for preaching the Truth to me like it's never been preached, brought or told. Love is a choice. There are bad days. There are dark days. There are days when your heart and emotions and fickle and you'll want to run and hide...but it's your WILL that keeps you through. It's your decision to stay and fight it out that makes a Godly marriage.

I hate divorce. I hate what my life turned into after my parents split. They weren't happy with each other. I know that and in some ways, I'm glad they split. But then again, I was really torn and insecure through the days and years I needed security and a place to belong the most. But I really hate divorce. I hate when people just throw the towel in saying they fell out of love or found someone else...what happened to choosing your spouse? What happened to your vows and your whispered endearments? Really? Are you going to let a mortgage, failed health, failed bills, failed children drag you down a horrible, emotionally draining path that WILL NOT lead to further fulfillment?

Really?

Marriage is a choice. Love is a choice. That's why it's so important to seek God out BEFORE you make that choice to ensure you're making the right one. Because if you make a different choice than His, He still expects you to honor that choice. I hate marriages based on good looks, charm, money in the bank or cars driven. I hate marriages where there is obvious imbalance, mistrust and lies.

I just want to be warm, loving, inviting, hospitable, approachable, humble, respectful...I want him to be proud of me. Proud to call me wife and proud to lean on me and let me burrow in his chest. I don't want to be jaded by all The Life around me. I don't want to be tempted by others. I don't want to dream the dreams I dream at night, during the day without him.

Lord, what happened to "it's better to marry than be burned up by the flesh?" Am I beyond hope?

I looked in the mirror tonight, without clothes, and wasn't disgusted. Sure, I don't look like everyone else--but I like me. I love me. It's a choice. Wow. Loving who I am is a choice...powerful.

I think I'll leave it at that tonight. Loving who I am is a choice...

I am not unloveable. I don't need to completely change who I am for him. God has made me who I am and if Reid doesn't make that choice...I am not lost.