Email to Joe
Date: Tue, 27 Jun 2006 08:16:19 -0700 (PDT)
From: "Anna"
Subject: yeah, about that...
To: jrphil2002@yahoo.com
I still don't know where I stand on the issue of not
being able to dislike someone you pray for...perhaps
I'm not praying hard enough. I'll get back to you on
that one. thanks for the heads up though.

I'm tremendously glad we got to talk last night...I
miss our talks. I'm glad your tenure in Biloxi is
almost over. I'm sad that I couldn't coordinate a
trip...it's my own fault for waiting too long to ask
for time off. I'm very sorry and I'd be a little
miffed at me too if I were you, so it's all cool, yo.

Right, so I wrote those first two paragraphs at like
745 and then apparently I got busy with work and just
now saw the window open again...

Sorry for the two phone calls this morning--but I
couldn't find your current address. But I did finally
find your last email with the second address in it--so
you have something in the mail today! hooray!

ALERT! HEY! JOE! I just wrote all that is below and
it's long. I know you want to be a good steward of
your time on the Internet--so if you don't have time
to read all that's below, I'm printing it out and
sending it to you like a regular letter along with
some CDs that I mention below. So, don't fret if you
can't read this now. I just needed to write it now.

Right, so you asked if there was anything I wanted to
tell you last night before we hung up...and I've
really been thinking about it. I told you about Reid
coming back from Brazil...and that was big for me--I
don't wear my heart on my sleeve when it comes to that
kind of stuff. Last November I chose to have a year of
purity--really just concentrate on the books I read,
movies I watch, TV shows, etc--really monitoring what
I was letting into my head and my heart and my life. I
also have a pretty good knack for having innocuous
crushes that take a lot of attention in my thought
life.

Well, my journey since last November hasn't been
perfect. But I notice things a lot more and my
readings of late have really pointed to guarding my
heart and my mind and He will honor my diligence. So,
that's been a true blessing--knowing I'm not captive
to my over-active imagination. Well, I've known Reid
for a good many years--he's several years younger than
I am and I've seen him go and grow through a lot. I
absolutely love his family and I'm working this
Chrysalis with his mom and sister, so that's exciting.
It's like a loving family I've never had...so, before
he left I had fleeting thoughts of attraction--and we
would have a good time at 722 and just hanging out
with friends. Well, since he's been in Brazil for the
past 6 months, "out of sight, out of mind" has
certainly NOT been a true adage for me. So, my prayer
request and perhaps concern is that I truly want to
guard my heart and be solely focused on God. As of
right now I can't discern if all these thoughts and
emotions have been of my own creation, or if God has
really laid this guy on my heart for whatever reason.

See, Joe, I heard a sermon series back in
November/December at 722 that has truly changed my
life. Truly. And I just decided that I'm going to burn
it for you--so it's currently being burned now and
I'll get it in the mail today. But it's a series on
Love and Marriage by this guy named Voddie Baucham
(out of Houston) and he truly speaks the Truth and it
was a beautiful thing. It broke through a lot of
barriers I had around my heart--because I finally felt
like the things I always felt were Truth on the inside
were ok and really were God's Truth--because I may
have conformed to what the world thought love and
marriage were and meant...but I never believed the
world. I always knew I wanted something more and
something different. I want a Biblically sound
marriage. I don't want that women's lib marriage you
spoke of. I don't want to "wear the pants" in the
family. I don't want to put a career above my home.
And Voddie put into words exactly what I felt God
saying to my heart. It's been an amazing journey for
me, my life and especially for my heart since God
introduced His word and desires for me through Voddie.

I don't want to date just for dating's sake. I never
have. I've always been one to jump into things, head
and heart first--and I've known for a long time that I
don't have enough in me to just share all of that with
more than one man. So, partly through decision, partly
through circumstance (cause let's be honest, the big
girl on the block doesn't get asked out a lot), I
haven't ever really "dated" anyone. And I've finally
made a true peace with that fact...I've always looked
at people in relationships--and yes, I'm happy for
them, but part of me feels inadequate and incomplete.
I no longer feel that way. I made a freeing decision
this past Sunday--that I would rather be alone and
single all my days and be inside His grace and mercy
than to be with someone surrounded by God's
disappointment.

I say all of this to show the true import of where I
stand with Reid. Only once in my life have I felt like
I was called by God to invest in a man...and that was
really difficult. I was in it for a long time, a lot
was invested, and God has brought me to the other side
triumphantly--what I learned about God, men and
especially myself during that time was and is
invaluable, but it was a big step and commitment. I
don't want to fall into a man-made trap, entangling my
heart and emotions and thoughts with Reid if it isn't
what God wants. So my prayer is to guard my heart and
to sit tight. I know I slip up because I want all
that's going on inside of me to be shared...so I say
or do things that aren't my place to say or do. I'm
tired of making the first move. I want and need to be
pursued. So, until that time. I'll be warm, I'll smile
and I'll keep my lips shut up tight.

So, your prayers are appreciated.

Now, on to other matters. I'm really concerned about
your impending nuptials. I am of course you and Beth's
biggest fan (well, literally and figuratively). I wish
and pray and hope the very, very best for you
both...but it pains me that a pretty little wedding
isn't in the near future... So, I don't want to say
anything here that would be hurtful or unhelpful or
un-thought-out. So I won't. But just know that I'm
praying very hard with much passion for both of you
guys. I, again, want the very best for you. You mean a
lot to me Joe and I just want to see God's will
fulfilled fully through and in you.

Much love and friendship. anna.