I can't make this shit up

I'm usually VERY protective of people's names and identities on here just out of respect. But not tonight 'cause this shit is amazing and the hell if I'm going to protect this guy. I couldn't make it up if I tried.

Seriously. This shit always happens to me. We have previously established that I'm a pro at online dating--so, I was matched with this black guy named Casshern (cash-earn). I don't generally like black guys so I normally skip over their profiles. I actually liked his. I liked his ambition in life, his responses--especially one where under the header of "Things I'm Good At" he wrote: "Kissing, kissing, kissing (French)" and I thought that shit was HYSTERICAL. I mean, great, right?

So I sent him this message (that I now realize might have a tone of nastiness--but that's surely NOT what I meant) a few moments ago and please enjoy his responses:

• I need to be honest

  Jan. 19, 2011 – 12:57am

  So, I laughed out loud for about 5 minutes when I read that you said you were really good at "Kissing, kissing, kissing (French)".
  
  I really love that you felt you had to define what kind of kissing you are good at...as if we ladies would get easily confused and assume you were good at kissing yourself in the mirror or something.
  
  Hope you're well! :)

  3% Enemy93% Friend91% MatchSent to Casshern_Sky 
• 
  Jan. 19, 2011 – 1:00am

  even in 2011 white people still bashin on the black man. like Kanye West said "Racism Still Alive, They Just Be Concealing It".

  Report this
• 
  Jan. 19, 2011 – 1:03am

  I wasn't bashing on the black man. I thought it was funny and cute that you wrote it. I actually really liked what you had to say and I think you're very attractive--but if you interpreted what I said as racist, well, perhaps I was very wrong.
  
  So sorry.
• 
  Jan. 19, 2011 – 1:04am

  Yesterday was MLK dang, can a black man have one day to be free.

A iced-in revelation

So today is Day 1 back to work at the NGS. The non-profit is closed again today, making it Day 5. AND we're off Monday for MLK Day.

I'm excited to go back to work. I like having a task, and I need the money!

So that leads me to my revelation: as I walked the 2 miles to get my abandoned car yesterday, I had a very audible conversation with myself. I mean, I'm walking down icy sidewalks, talking to myself was the least of my worries.

And I figured out a reason that I'm still single: I'm a mess. A bonafide mess. Foremost Mess #1: my finances. BIG MESS. So, I'm going to tackle that instead of my singleness for a while.

@BrainDisposal: I might call your dad for some help/advice on where to start. :)

Ok, off to work!
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Seriously?

I got stranded. In the snow. Like, a blizzard hit Atlanta, I was trying to drive home from work (where it was NOT snowing), and I started toward the city and quite literally, all hell broke loose.

There were cars spun out on the interstate. I couldn't see any of the lanes. I couldn't see anything. I drove 5 miles an hour and finally got to my midtown exit. Well, an exit that could get me home that didn't include an overpass. I was doing well...then there was a hill and I saw other people stuck. And I slowed. And got stuck myself; started sliding backward. For an hour I had just been chanting, "Jesus, get me home. Keep me safe." Then I just wanted Him to keep me safe.

I stayed there, in the middle of the street for a while, cried a bit, called my friend J and asked what should I do. We couldn't figure it out, other than our friend R lived a block away from where I was stuck.

Well, I finally just put my car in reverse and very slowly backed into a parking lot. A parking lot of a bong shop to be exact. I backed into their loading dock and gathered my composure. Called my friend R to see if I could crash at his place, and then gathered some random clothes that were in my car (bonus of keeping a messy car!!!).

I then walked a block in four inches of snow. He welcomed me with a Trader Joe's pizza, a glass of wine, and video games. I'm warm, safe...and only mildly worried about my abandoned car in the bong shop parking lot. I can't believe I got stranded by snow in Atlanta. And that the weather was so much worse in downtown Atlanta than the suburbs where I work.

What a crazy, crazy night. Time for sleep. On R's couch. In my TJ's clothes. Bonus: both jobs are closed tomorrow and we're planning on walking to the Waffle House at some point tomorrow.

Cheers to snow, not being at home, and being stranded!!!
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Ok, ok, no, I'm not proud of myself

But I Googled Tallahassee...and he's not kidnapped OR in Cuba. One of his stories was published this morning.

He's alive and well, just kickin' it at the office.

fini.

Dwelling Thoughts

I'm not trying to dwell...but I just can't wrap my head around that Tallahassee just has fallen off the face of the earth.

As my dear and wise friend H told me, in no uncertain terms, "Let it go...if he comes back, then we can talk. :) But time to move on." And he's right. I can't be pining after someone I only shared two weeks with. Someone whose voice I've never even heard...only have exchanged emails with.

I just can't fathom how he had sent me an email 12/28 (no, I'm not keeping count or anything) asking about my Christmas and my NYE plans to DC and was really in tune to what I was saying, referencing old emails...and then POOF! Gone.

I hope he's ok and wasn't kidnapped/sent to Cuba on assignment. Cause that'd suck.

Friday Funday!

Ok, so I didn't run yesterday. I intentionally didn't run in the morning because I was planning on running in the park after work--well, I got stuck at work, then a group of us went to see a free preview showing of Country Strong last night. So, I didn't run yesterday. And you know what happened? I didn't feel great. I kind of felt guilty...and for dinner, my only option was a Chick-fil-A sandwich and waffle fries. I normally LOVE that. Last night: eh, not so much. I felt gross after eating it...and so hopefully my new life choices are sticking. At least for this week they are. I like my fruits and vegetables. I like my yogurt and bran cereal.

So, I shall post here just because I can't figure out where else to put it: this morning's run was 40:22 minutes, 2.27 miles. And there was a hill that may have owned my soul.

That is all. I'm looking forward to today! My boss wrote a letter to the President, the President read it, and now there's a Washington Post spending several days with us--and today includes him talking to me AND we're having a nice Family dinner.

Happy Friday!

Thanks Pandora (Jesus, is that you?)

Just played on my Pandora playlist:

Beck's cover of a Daniel Johnston tune. So simple, yet it speaks directly to my heart.


True love will find you in the end
You'll find out just who was your friend
Don’t be sad, I know you will,
But don’t give up until
True love finds you in the end.

This is a promise with a catch
Only if you're looking will it find you
‘Cause true love is searching too
But how can it recognize you
Unless you step out into the light?
But don’t give up until
True love finds you in the end.

Truth, as revealed via instant messaging

I was chatting late last night via my email server's instant messaging program with a good, good, decent, long-lasting friend (since elementary school!) and I made this statement RE: men, dating, sex, and webcam usage:

"me:  For SO LONG I've lived in fear of my sexuality, my passions. I've been embarrassed of my own thoughts, feelings and desires. I wanted to appear virtuous. I wanted to be the prude...but my insides were bursting for more.
her:  that's natural, in my opinion
me:  So, I've found a little piece of more and I'm enjoying it." I feel free.

I wanted to be rid of my lusty thoughts. I asked, nay pleaded, with Jesus to take them away. I walked around feeling guilty. I avoided most human touch just to stave off any physical reaction. Every man I encounter (I did it this morning to a hot construction worker.) I immediately look for a wedding band (regardless of if I'm attracted to him) just on the off chance that he might fancy me--I'm starved for romantic attention. I spend most of my time with gay men for a reason: no temptations. I don't know how to NOT have sexual leanings with men. I mean, I have male friends that I'm not attracted to. But that had to be fleshed out upon first meeting. I feel like it's some prehistoric part of me that comes oozing out--whether I shall be able to procreate with them or something.

Well, several weeks ago I snapped. I wanted this dark, hidden side of me to come to light. I'm tired of hiding in unlit places. I needed an avenue of release...because no amount of praying/chest beating/avoidance/denial made my body ache less, my lust disappear. Disapate maybe, but definitely not disappear. It's a weight on my shoulders at all times. I logged into a dating website targeting Big Girls...and was instantly amazed: I'm a hit! These boys LIKE the way I look. They are lusting after ME. And thus began my chat with the French King of Miami.

He calls me baby, his queen, gorgeous, hot, beautiful. I've never felt desired. Ever. Well, that's not exactly true. I was lured into a sexual relationship at the age of 12 by a 22-year-old grown man (creepy now, yes. Then, it didn't seem so outlandish. I've always been mature for my age.) because I felt ugly and frumpy (I was a women's size 10 then and was 5'9" and thought I was a giant ogre). So for about 6 months when I was 12/13 I felt desired. But clearly it's not the same as now. I fooled around with a guy when I was 17...hurried meetings in dark hallways after school...but I didn't feel desired. We were just using each other...it's not like he ever asked me out, or refered to me to his friends. And I certainly didn't claim him to mine. That was 12 years ago. My last "romantic" interaction was TWELVE years ago. I was a junior in high school.

So, I know FULL well that things with Miami aren't serious. They're not on the road to marriage. I know. I KNOW. I know I WANT marriage. I want romance and flowers and professions of love. But right now, I'm really enjoying feeling like a real woman. I feel desirable.

Here it is: I am a sexual being. I have sexual thoughts and desires. I have daydreams and middle-of-the-night dreams. And you know what else? I love Jesus and my God fiercely. I am tired of the two have to be kept separate. So here I am. On the cusp of 30 and finding my way in the world.

Jesus sure does know how to make me laugh

So earlier tonight a friend was telling me about how a guy he's recently met while home for Christmas was flying in this weekend to stay with him. Like, stay with him in a Biblical sense.

So of course I'm happy for my friend...but I was starting to throw myself a pity party. Why doesn't someone want to come stay with me (BESIDES crazy AZ guy that wanted to move in after the 2nd phone call)?

Why haven't I gotten an email, a PROMISED email, from the Baptist preacher yet? I mean I even seem to have alienated the King of Miami and he thinks I hung the moon!!!

So I declare to my friend that I'm giving up.



And on a whim I decided to log into the I'm program from my phone...and nothing.

Then 10 minutes later, there was my knight in shining, well, instant messaging. The King of Miami himself.

And he said everything I needed and wanted to hear and that's where Jesus makes me laugh. I needed a divine boost...and God brought me one in the form of an x-rated chat partner. Hey, I'll take the inspiration where I can get it.

More later. Blogger doesn't like me tonight and I'm typing this on my phone and my thumbs are tired.

Perhaps I'm not throwing in the towel just yet--but I'm eerily close. I officially say, "F- you" to the boys who don't have any integrity and don't write when they say they will.

So there.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Welcome Wednesday!

No apologetic email yet.

In other news: I just ran 2.1 miles in 36 minutes. Hills and everything.

I've found I'm not a walker. So, I run. Headphones loud and around my neighborhood.

I saw two guys running and they gave me a very nice greeting of smiles and handwaves, and so when I just drove my course to map the distance, they were on a tennis court with cones (set up in "stations") and were doing push-ups. I might ask to join them some day.

Ok, that's enough mobile blogging for this sweaty girl for this morning.

And I lift a very special prayer this morning for a friend who just recently lost her baby at 10 weeks. May I always remember that my search for the perfect guy may have snags in the road, but my life is good and full and I need to remember the suffering of others.
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A sunny Tuesday

The sun is out and for that I am thankful. I'm in the non profit office today and for that I am thankful. I love, love, love the people I am blessed to work with here and for that I am thankful. I had a good night at the NGS last night and for that I am thankful.

I jogged (no walking!) for 25 minutes this morning...and I really do feel great. I had lots of energy yesterday and I'm feeling the same effect this morning. One day at a time. I have such a pretty and vast neighborhood that my attention should be kept for a while.

I paid attention to what I ate yesterday and I packed myself breakfast with plenty of healthy snacks today. I am a thoughtless snacker...so hopefully if I just pay attention to snacking I'll be in better shape.

I emailed K in Tallahassee last night. I haven't heard from him since December 28th...and that was after I sent a "Hey, how was your Christmas?" email. He seemed interested in that email, asked me lots of questions, I replyed with answers...and then nothing. We went from 20 emails a day over 2 weeks to nothing. This makes me sad. So here's my email:

Hey hey...
How did you ring in the new year? My trip to DC was one of the best decisions I've made in a long while...we had a terrific time and it was good seeing some friends I haven't seen in a very long time.

So, I know you're super-dee-duper busy--and I don't mean to pester you. I just thought I'd have heard from you...so I guess I'm just asking if you're still interested.


(This is not my normal M.O., for sure. I'm not trying to be a nag nor clingy...you've just been very quiet, so that has piqued my interest.)

Be well, and I hope to hear from you soon--

Anna

So...we'll see. I feel good about it (the email, not the reason I had to send it). And of course I'm hoping for a pleading for my forgiveness and a "Of course I'm still interested!" email response. I'll be really disappointed if there is no response. I just don't understand how we can go from 20 emails a day--really, really long and involved emails to nothing. I just don't get it. I just want to find someone that's as interested in me as I am in him. I don't think that's too much to ask...but perhaps it is. Perhaps I'm destined to be the crazy old lady on the hill with 1000 cats yet.

God has a plan for my life. God has a plan for my days. God knows the desires of my heart. God knows the desires of my soul. The Lord has not forgotten about me, nor forsaken me.

41 Minutes

41 minutes...up hills, down hills, down sidewalks I never knew existed. And this is all in my neighborhood. A neighborhood in the middle of a very large city...a neighborhood with houses and yards, but skyscrapers directly behind them.

Perhaps I'll take my camera next time. It's a gorgeous day in the city. My iPod is a trooper and I feel good.

Now off to shower, hopefully the Laundromat to wash my travel clothes, and work.

I tried to clear my head about things...but I'm still confused and maybe a little hurt. So I'm going to go with those feelings and marinate some more.

I'll leave you with this:



I find it very, very sweet. I'm happy for that family. The name of the photo: "stephero.jpg." From, of course, www.postsecret.com.

Sure, I'll be a cliche. For today at least.

I didn't go into the non-profit job this morning. I needed some sleep and then just some time to veg out.

Admission: I'm finding these Jennifer Hudson WeightWatchers ads really inspiring:

So, I shall now go brush my teeth, change my clothes and I'm head out for a walk/jog.

I'll let you know how it goes.

Perhaps one way to make my road to 30 even more fabulous: losing a few pounds. Ok. Probably more than a few. Like 130 pounds is more accurate. Wow. What a daunting number. I don't own a scale and don't really care (last I checked I was 280. So there. There's my weight, oh blogosphere.). But it would be nice to have some more energy.

So today: I walk/jog.

Why should I be sad?

I traveled home from DC today...and it was indeed sad to leave SH. We had a marvelous time indeed...but when I got back to Atlanta a sadness started to settle in. And it lasted throughout my entire shift at the Neighborhood Grocery Store (NGS from now on). And as I sit here in my bed, knowing I should go to sleep...I'm just plain sad.

I'm sad that Tallahassee Boy hasn't written me since the 28th...which in real days, wasn't that long ago. But in romantic days: it's an eternity. I'm fleshing it out in my head whether to write him a, "I know you're super busy and I'm really sorry if I have poor timing...but I just need to know where we stand." kind of email. I think I shall let that marinate for a while.

I think I shall just head to bed and hope things look better in the morning.

Something that won't make me sad: uploading my NYE pics to FB! :)

Quick travel thoughts

I've always been a class elitest. There. I said it. I've always been prejudiced against mass transit and those that utilize it.

But when you live in a city where it works, it's a glorious thing and I kind of miss it already. Getting behind the wheel of my car once back in the ATL was a little weird. And now off to work...it's going to be a good year.

My trip to DC: one of the best on-a-whim decisions I've ever made.

And let's take a moment out to pray for a gentleman in Tallahassee. He's been remiss on his duties as a correspondent and that makes me a little sad. As I told God this morning: thy will be done. I don't want to be a part of something if it isn't God's idea first. Lord knows I've been down that road often enough.

So let's pray for him, pray for my dear DC host SH and a special shout out to a dear friend going through some trying times (CM, here's looking at you, kid.).
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Done!

National Cathedral: check.
Washington Monument: check.
Jefferson Memorial: check.
Potomac River: check.

Sightseeing via windows on the Metro: check.

I'm clearly an awesome tourist.
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Happy 2011!

I must get to bed to catch my flight in the morning...

But my 2011 has started in Washington, DC surrounded by old and new friends and I'm feeling supremely blessed.

It's going to be a good year--this year that I turn 30.

Hopefully more adventures to come.

I would like to discuss later:
An email dry spell and a Baptist preacher. And how a little ole camp in the middle of nowhere Maine has totally and completely changed my life.

I am inspired: a blog post a day for this year. Let's see how that goes. :)