I'd like to take a selfish moment, if I could:
I just wanted Ashley to send me an email of pictures...but I guess she gets distracted from all outside connections when she's with Bo. Makes sense. I would too. But their total immersion scares me. I want the very very best for them and I really want them to prove me wrong and really MAKE IT.
But from where I stand now, the pressures of both their jobs and the distance will play a huge role in trying to deter them from each other. An extremely intimate bond has been formed and it'll be hard to cope when that bond has to find solace in phone calls, letters, emails and rushed drives across the state.
Father, give them peace. Bless them...help them put you first.
Why do I feel like I'm asking God to bless a sin that's blatantly against His name?
Tuesday, July 25, 2006
Friday, July 14, 2006
I just had a very sweet and heartwarming image of Reid's smiling and laughing face. It made me smile too.
Lord, please let me not put a man over my thoughts of you again. I don't want to screw this one up. I want you to be my light, my center and my guide.
I want you to bless and bring about any romance that may come upon the horizon.
Reid and Jamie invited me to a jazz thing last night at the Red Room in Westpark Walk where Martini's used to be. At first I was interested before I heard it was in Peachtree City. I apologized, but told them I'd be driving to Newnan tonight for the gathering and spending the night then going to a wedding with Ashley tomorrow, get my car cleaned by Bo and possibly being able to hang out with them Saturday night.
Reid texted me around the time of the start of the concert and said, "Didn't want to hang out with us?" "That's a long drive that I'm making tomorrow night too. I didn't know it meant that much to you or else I would have..." "Fine! Too late now, I am heart broken." "Please Reid...don't cry litte one. I still love you. Oh what can I do to make it up to you?" "Have to take a rain check I suppose." "How about I'll see you tomorrow at the gathering? Then perhaps on Saturday evening." "Not the same as the red room." "Now I really do feel bad...I'm sorry! I really do enjoy our time together. I'll definitely take a rain check! Have fun tonight."
Could be nothing...but it was heartwarming. It was nice to feel wanted and missed.
Lord, please let me not put a man over my thoughts of you again. I don't want to screw this one up. I want you to be my light, my center and my guide.
I want you to bless and bring about any romance that may come upon the horizon.
Reid and Jamie invited me to a jazz thing last night at the Red Room in Westpark Walk where Martini's used to be. At first I was interested before I heard it was in Peachtree City. I apologized, but told them I'd be driving to Newnan tonight for the gathering and spending the night then going to a wedding with Ashley tomorrow, get my car cleaned by Bo and possibly being able to hang out with them Saturday night.
Reid texted me around the time of the start of the concert and said, "Didn't want to hang out with us?" "That's a long drive that I'm making tomorrow night too. I didn't know it meant that much to you or else I would have..." "Fine! Too late now, I am heart broken." "Please Reid...don't cry litte one. I still love you. Oh what can I do to make it up to you?" "Have to take a rain check I suppose." "How about I'll see you tomorrow at the gathering? Then perhaps on Saturday evening." "Not the same as the red room." "Now I really do feel bad...I'm sorry! I really do enjoy our time together. I'll definitely take a rain check! Have fun tonight."
Could be nothing...but it was heartwarming. It was nice to feel wanted and missed.
2 Timothy 4:16-18 (New International Version)
16 At my first defense, no one came to my support, but everyone deserted me. May it not be held against them. 17 But the Lord stood at my side and gave me strength, so that through me the message might be fully proclaimed and all the Gentiles might hear it. And I was delivered from the lion's mouth. 18 The Lord will rescue me from every evil attack and will bring me safely to his heavenly kingdom. To him be glory for ever and ever. Amen.
One of the things I’ve learned as I’ve grown older is not to expect too much from people. It’s possible to pour a good deal of energy and love into a friend or family member and see no growth or receive no gratitude for our efforts. It’s even possible that others may receive credit for the work we’ve done.
If we expect everyone to recognize and appreciate what we have done for them, we will certainly be deeply hurt. We’ll start asking ourselves: “Is this all the thanks I get?”
It’s good in those times of disappointment to look at our motives. Do we have an unholy sense of entitlement, or a passion to be seen and applauded for our efforts? Can we give freely and allow others to take responsibility for their own responses? The apostle Paul went through times in his service for the Lord when everyone forsook him. Yet his focus was on the strength that God gave him “so that the message might be preached fully” through him (2 Timothy 4:16-17).
We should never expect to gain from others what only Jesus can give. To do so is to be utterly unrealistic. Our task is simply to give and leave the results to our Master, knowing that in time we will receive His reward: “Well done, good and faithful servant” (Matthew 25:21).
The service that we do for God
May go unpraised by men;
But when we stand before the Lord,
He will reward us then. —Sper
Work done well for Christ will receive a “well done” from Christ.
16 At my first defense, no one came to my support, but everyone deserted me. May it not be held against them. 17 But the Lord stood at my side and gave me strength, so that through me the message might be fully proclaimed and all the Gentiles might hear it. And I was delivered from the lion's mouth. 18 The Lord will rescue me from every evil attack and will bring me safely to his heavenly kingdom. To him be glory for ever and ever. Amen.
One of the things I’ve learned as I’ve grown older is not to expect too much from people. It’s possible to pour a good deal of energy and love into a friend or family member and see no growth or receive no gratitude for our efforts. It’s even possible that others may receive credit for the work we’ve done.
If we expect everyone to recognize and appreciate what we have done for them, we will certainly be deeply hurt. We’ll start asking ourselves: “Is this all the thanks I get?”
It’s good in those times of disappointment to look at our motives. Do we have an unholy sense of entitlement, or a passion to be seen and applauded for our efforts? Can we give freely and allow others to take responsibility for their own responses? The apostle Paul went through times in his service for the Lord when everyone forsook him. Yet his focus was on the strength that God gave him “so that the message might be preached fully” through him (2 Timothy 4:16-17).
We should never expect to gain from others what only Jesus can give. To do so is to be utterly unrealistic. Our task is simply to give and leave the results to our Master, knowing that in time we will receive His reward: “Well done, good and faithful servant” (Matthew 25:21).
The service that we do for God
May go unpraised by men;
But when we stand before the Lord,
He will reward us then. —Sper
Work done well for Christ will receive a “well done” from Christ.
Hebrews 11:1-7
1Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. 2This is what the ancients were commended for.
3By faith we understand that the universe was formed at God's command, so that what is seen was not made out of what was visible. 4By faith Abel offered God a better sacrifice than Cain did. By faith he was commended as a righteous man, when God spoke well of his offerings. And by faith he still speaks, even though he is dead.
5By faith Enoch was taken from this life, so that he did not experience death; he could not be found, because God had taken him away. For before he was taken, he was commended as one who pleased God. 6And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him.
7By faith Noah, when warned about things not yet seen, in holy fear built an ark to save his family. By his faith he condemned the world and became heir of the righteousness that comes by faith.
So let our lips and lives express
The holy gospel we profess;
So let our works and virtues shine
To prove the doctrine all divine. —Watts
How easy it is to be critical of the sins of others. But how much more powerful to demonstrate the grace and righteousness of our God by living for Him.
Commit your way to the Lord, trust also in Him, and He shall bring it to pass —Psalm 37:5
Don’t plan with a rainy day in mind. You cannot hoard things for a rainy day if you are truly trusting Christ. Jesus said, "Let not your heart be troubled . . ." (John 14:1). God will not keep your heart from being troubled. It is a command— "Let not. . . ." To do it, continually pick yourself up, even if you fall a hundred and one times a day, until you get into the habit of putting God first and planning with Him in mind.
1Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. 2This is what the ancients were commended for.
3By faith we understand that the universe was formed at God's command, so that what is seen was not made out of what was visible. 4By faith Abel offered God a better sacrifice than Cain did. By faith he was commended as a righteous man, when God spoke well of his offerings. And by faith he still speaks, even though he is dead.
5By faith Enoch was taken from this life, so that he did not experience death; he could not be found, because God had taken him away. For before he was taken, he was commended as one who pleased God. 6And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him.
7By faith Noah, when warned about things not yet seen, in holy fear built an ark to save his family. By his faith he condemned the world and became heir of the righteousness that comes by faith.
So let our lips and lives express
The holy gospel we profess;
So let our works and virtues shine
To prove the doctrine all divine. —Watts
How easy it is to be critical of the sins of others. But how much more powerful to demonstrate the grace and righteousness of our God by living for Him.
Commit your way to the Lord, trust also in Him, and He shall bring it to pass —Psalm 37:5
Don’t plan with a rainy day in mind. You cannot hoard things for a rainy day if you are truly trusting Christ. Jesus said, "Let not your heart be troubled . . ." (John 14:1). God will not keep your heart from being troubled. It is a command— "Let not. . . ." To do it, continually pick yourself up, even if you fall a hundred and one times a day, until you get into the habit of putting God first and planning with Him in mind.
Date: Thu, 13 Jul 2006 17:12:11 -0700 (PDT)
From: "Anna" Subject: as I'm sitting in the Vinings library...
To: "Jamie" , "Reid", "Bo", "Ashley" , "Jenny" , "Emlet" , "Derek" , "Joe" , "Beth", "Susan", "Caryn", "Chris B"
I opened an email from The Voice of the Martyrs--a thing I got hooked up with while I was in Ireland and with which I have since kept up. It's about the persecuted church throughout the world and they send out weekly emails of persecuted Christians that I can specifically pray for.
Well, I've been quite caught up lately so I haven't been reading these updates, so I opened the one from today and this is what it opened with...a verse that I've known for the span of my Christian walk...and part of it was even the verse for Reinhardt, but it's still good to be reminded:
"Have you not known?
Have you not heard?
The everlasting God, the LORD,
The Creator of the ends of the earth,
Neither faints nor is weary.
His understanding is unsearchable.
He gives power to the weak,
And to those who have no might He increases strength.
Even the youths shall faint and be weary,
And the young men shall utterly fall,
But those who wait on the LORD
Shall renew their strength;
They shall mount up with wings like eagles,
They shall run and not be weary,
They shall walk and not faint."
(Isaiah 40:28-31)
That's powerful!!! "For those who wait of the Lord shall renew their strength..."
So I shall wait on the Lord. As has become my new mantra: I choose to be single and on my own and be in God's will and approval rather than be with the wrong person, trying to make it under my own volition, and under God's disappointment.
It's a beautiful place to be, where I am now. I've met several mountains lately: my dad, whom I had made peace with his disappearance and assumed death, reappearing after four years, having lived in Atlanta the whole time. My mom announcing that she's moving to Missouri to live with my older sister and her family (therefore setting me on my way to have to either move to Columbus and find a new job or find a place of my own near my current job). Someone who had been quite distant came back into proximity, making me have to be ever vigilant on my thought life and idle time. And then two of my closest and dear friends decided that they saw in each other what I've seen in both of them individually--so a couple they now are.
I won't say that the past 3 weeks has been easy. There were even a few days there where I couldn't do anything but cry, moan, and not be able to form words or even coherent thoughts for prayers. I couldn't eat nor could I sleep. It was the valley. But throughout it all, my God has been patient, steady and ever-present. "His understanding is unsearchable. He gives power to the weak." His understanding really is unsearchable. He really does give power to the weak. He's given me the strength to forgive my dad instantly...now trust takes a while to build back up, but forgiveness was instantaneous. I asked God for understanding, and he gave me forgiveness (with a lot of help, called Truth, from my dear friends--and Bo can be credited with that one).
I've been with my mom my whole life. We depend on each other. Now we're parting ways. I asked God for direction and He gave me a peace to know that I should stay at my current job and the knowledge that I should talk to my coworker Jill because she is also planning on moving close to work in September (when my current lease is up). Thank you Lord Jesus--we found a place 4.8 miles from work and we're signing the lease tomorrow.
The distant person coming back into the picture has just made me cling to my Lord even closer, and He has given me a peace that even though I know not what the future holds, I know Who holds today. I know who I can trust and talk to and count on forever...and humans pale in comparison.
And my last mountain of the past couple of weeks is between me and my now dating friends. It hasn't been easy and I'll respect their privacy and my own and spare the details. But because God is faithful, we've all been able to find a new balance between our friendships and dating lives. It hasn't been easy and we have to take each day one at a time...but the beauty lies in the fact that God has given me truly wonderful and Godly friends. Both the dating ones, the local ones and definitely you that are afar! Friends that saw I was hurting and instead of following their own selfish agenda, reached out to see how they could help me before helping themselves. God has truly blessed each of these moments. These friends really sought to see what I was feeling and wanted to help. They wanted to put our friendship before their romance. That means a lot. That was God's face shining through human flesh.
I really only came into the library to A) get out of the house...I was restless!, B) use the computer and internet because my own is dead, and C) send Jamie an email I promised earlier. I don't really know what has spawned this email, but here it is. Here is my heart.
I really feel like for the first time in my life I get it. I get that God's ways are always better than mine. His agenda, his timetable, his will, his whispers, his SHOUTS, his proddings, his moments in my quiet time are ALWAYS better than what I could come up with on my own. I get that my quiet time throughout the day makes the world of difference. I get that I really have been given a gift by God and I should no longer shy away from it when he requests its presence. I get that impromptu praying for anyone, everyone, anything and everything is beautiful. It doesn't have to be eloquent, planned, more than a couple of words or beautiful. I get that each day could be my last--there's no point in being angry, in being petty, in being selfish or being caught up in worldly lust and longings. I get that God's face is my radiant end, my goal. Through him I have found true redemption and meaning. May his name be praised because of where I am now and to see the road I've journeyed on to get here.
So I guess this is just a thanksgiving of praise. Thanks to my friends, thanks for your prayers, thanks for your patience, thanks for your time, thanks for your forgiveness, thanks for your steadfastness. Thanks be to God for His hand on my life. I feel it now more than ever.
So, thanks. I love you all. For those far away, I miss you. For those close, thanks for putting up with me lately. But definitely for all of you, you've made me what I am today. You've been a stepping stone, placed by God, in my life and who knows where I would have fallen along the way without you.
And I'm officially being kicked out of the library...my session can only be renewed once and I've already done that. So I guess I should be along my way now, just wanted to let you all know what's on my heart.
love, anna
From: "Anna" Subject: as I'm sitting in the Vinings library...
To: "Jamie" , "Reid", "Bo", "Ashley" , "Jenny" , "Emlet" , "Derek" , "Joe" , "Beth", "Susan", "Caryn", "Chris B"
I opened an email from The Voice of the Martyrs--a thing I got hooked up with while I was in Ireland and with which I have since kept up. It's about the persecuted church throughout the world and they send out weekly emails of persecuted Christians that I can specifically pray for.
Well, I've been quite caught up lately so I haven't been reading these updates, so I opened the one from today and this is what it opened with...a verse that I've known for the span of my Christian walk...and part of it was even the verse for Reinhardt, but it's still good to be reminded:
"Have you not known?
Have you not heard?
The everlasting God, the LORD,
The Creator of the ends of the earth,
Neither faints nor is weary.
His understanding is unsearchable.
He gives power to the weak,
And to those who have no might He increases strength.
Even the youths shall faint and be weary,
And the young men shall utterly fall,
But those who wait on the LORD
Shall renew their strength;
They shall mount up with wings like eagles,
They shall run and not be weary,
They shall walk and not faint."
(Isaiah 40:28-31)
That's powerful!!! "For those who wait of the Lord shall renew their strength..."
So I shall wait on the Lord. As has become my new mantra: I choose to be single and on my own and be in God's will and approval rather than be with the wrong person, trying to make it under my own volition, and under God's disappointment.
It's a beautiful place to be, where I am now. I've met several mountains lately: my dad, whom I had made peace with his disappearance and assumed death, reappearing after four years, having lived in Atlanta the whole time. My mom announcing that she's moving to Missouri to live with my older sister and her family (therefore setting me on my way to have to either move to Columbus and find a new job or find a place of my own near my current job). Someone who had been quite distant came back into proximity, making me have to be ever vigilant on my thought life and idle time. And then two of my closest and dear friends decided that they saw in each other what I've seen in both of them individually--so a couple they now are.
I won't say that the past 3 weeks has been easy. There were even a few days there where I couldn't do anything but cry, moan, and not be able to form words or even coherent thoughts for prayers. I couldn't eat nor could I sleep. It was the valley. But throughout it all, my God has been patient, steady and ever-present. "His understanding is unsearchable. He gives power to the weak." His understanding really is unsearchable. He really does give power to the weak. He's given me the strength to forgive my dad instantly...now trust takes a while to build back up, but forgiveness was instantaneous. I asked God for understanding, and he gave me forgiveness (with a lot of help, called Truth, from my dear friends--and Bo can be credited with that one).
I've been with my mom my whole life. We depend on each other. Now we're parting ways. I asked God for direction and He gave me a peace to know that I should stay at my current job and the knowledge that I should talk to my coworker Jill because she is also planning on moving close to work in September (when my current lease is up). Thank you Lord Jesus--we found a place 4.8 miles from work and we're signing the lease tomorrow.
The distant person coming back into the picture has just made me cling to my Lord even closer, and He has given me a peace that even though I know not what the future holds, I know Who holds today. I know who I can trust and talk to and count on forever...and humans pale in comparison.
And my last mountain of the past couple of weeks is between me and my now dating friends. It hasn't been easy and I'll respect their privacy and my own and spare the details. But because God is faithful, we've all been able to find a new balance between our friendships and dating lives. It hasn't been easy and we have to take each day one at a time...but the beauty lies in the fact that God has given me truly wonderful and Godly friends. Both the dating ones, the local ones and definitely you that are afar! Friends that saw I was hurting and instead of following their own selfish agenda, reached out to see how they could help me before helping themselves. God has truly blessed each of these moments. These friends really sought to see what I was feeling and wanted to help. They wanted to put our friendship before their romance. That means a lot. That was God's face shining through human flesh.
I really only came into the library to A) get out of the house...I was restless!, B) use the computer and internet because my own is dead, and C) send Jamie an email I promised earlier. I don't really know what has spawned this email, but here it is. Here is my heart.
I really feel like for the first time in my life I get it. I get that God's ways are always better than mine. His agenda, his timetable, his will, his whispers, his SHOUTS, his proddings, his moments in my quiet time are ALWAYS better than what I could come up with on my own. I get that my quiet time throughout the day makes the world of difference. I get that I really have been given a gift by God and I should no longer shy away from it when he requests its presence. I get that impromptu praying for anyone, everyone, anything and everything is beautiful. It doesn't have to be eloquent, planned, more than a couple of words or beautiful. I get that each day could be my last--there's no point in being angry, in being petty, in being selfish or being caught up in worldly lust and longings. I get that God's face is my radiant end, my goal. Through him I have found true redemption and meaning. May his name be praised because of where I am now and to see the road I've journeyed on to get here.
So I guess this is just a thanksgiving of praise. Thanks to my friends, thanks for your prayers, thanks for your patience, thanks for your time, thanks for your forgiveness, thanks for your steadfastness. Thanks be to God for His hand on my life. I feel it now more than ever.
So, thanks. I love you all. For those far away, I miss you. For those close, thanks for putting up with me lately. But definitely for all of you, you've made me what I am today. You've been a stepping stone, placed by God, in my life and who knows where I would have fallen along the way without you.
And I'm officially being kicked out of the library...my session can only be renewed once and I've already done that. So I guess I should be along my way now, just wanted to let you all know what's on my heart.
love, anna
Thursday, July 13, 2006
I guess I should write this for Ashley, because I said I would. It pains me that things can't just be simple and easy...but when I feel convicted and when I feel God's presence in a situation, I just can't ignore it, however much easier it would be to do so.
I heard the voice of God Tuesday night, July 11, 2006. I thought I was still awake, lamp on, TV on, phone on--and I heard a voice tell me that I've done all I can do, I should trust Him and worry not. I was not, however, awake, the lamp was off, the TV silenced and my phone powered down. I then dreamt that I texted my voice-vision to Reid.
When I awoke on Wednesday...after God granted my request for sleep, for I just couldn't handle another nightmare-laden evening thinking I was losing two of my very closest friends...I turned my phone on and saw that I had two voicemails and 4 texts. One text was from Jeremy about work, another from Reid telling me goodnight, one from Jamie telling me that when I thanked her for putting up with me, she said it wasn't putting up with me--that she truly enjoyed being a real friend, and then this:
Reid (12:03 a.m.):
Really though. What more can yo do? You have given them advice and friendship and now it is up to them to decide the right choice. Continue to give advice when they ask, but apart from that it is out of your hands. God has a plan for it all including your involvement in it.
The voicemails were from Ashley. Gosh that was a hard night. It's been a hard two weeks. I don't have all the answers. But I do know that God is with me every step of the way. He feels my pangs of loss, confusion, jealousy, abandonment, apprehension about the future...and He desperately tries to quieten my soul if I'll only let Him. The Peace That Passes Understanding. My bridegroom. The only thing I can trust implicitly, explicitly. The only One I can store my hopes and dreams in.
But I'll be honest...it's not all roses and sunshine. I don't want to have to share Bo or Ashley. I don't want to see them get hurt. I don't want Ashley and I's lives to drift apart like they did in college. She's the softer part of me that I can't let go. But I take a deep breath. I ask God to fill all these doubts with His love, His plan and just to let me Trust Him.
Trust.
Trust.
Trust.
Pray.
I heard the voice of God Tuesday night, July 11, 2006. I thought I was still awake, lamp on, TV on, phone on--and I heard a voice tell me that I've done all I can do, I should trust Him and worry not. I was not, however, awake, the lamp was off, the TV silenced and my phone powered down. I then dreamt that I texted my voice-vision to Reid.
When I awoke on Wednesday...after God granted my request for sleep, for I just couldn't handle another nightmare-laden evening thinking I was losing two of my very closest friends...I turned my phone on and saw that I had two voicemails and 4 texts. One text was from Jeremy about work, another from Reid telling me goodnight, one from Jamie telling me that when I thanked her for putting up with me, she said it wasn't putting up with me--that she truly enjoyed being a real friend, and then this:
Reid (12:03 a.m.):
Really though. What more can yo do? You have given them advice and friendship and now it is up to them to decide the right choice. Continue to give advice when they ask, but apart from that it is out of your hands. God has a plan for it all including your involvement in it.
The voicemails were from Ashley. Gosh that was a hard night. It's been a hard two weeks. I don't have all the answers. But I do know that God is with me every step of the way. He feels my pangs of loss, confusion, jealousy, abandonment, apprehension about the future...and He desperately tries to quieten my soul if I'll only let Him. The Peace That Passes Understanding. My bridegroom. The only thing I can trust implicitly, explicitly. The only One I can store my hopes and dreams in.
But I'll be honest...it's not all roses and sunshine. I don't want to have to share Bo or Ashley. I don't want to see them get hurt. I don't want Ashley and I's lives to drift apart like they did in college. She's the softer part of me that I can't let go. But I take a deep breath. I ask God to fill all these doubts with His love, His plan and just to let me Trust Him.
Trust.
Trust.
Trust.
Pray.
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