Date: Thu, 13 Jul 2006 17:12:11 -0700 (PDT)
From: "Anna" Subject: as I'm sitting in the Vinings library...
To: "Jamie" , "Reid", "Bo", "Ashley" , "Jenny" , "Emlet" , "Derek" , "Joe" , "Beth", "Susan", "Caryn", "Chris B"

I opened an email from The Voice of the Martyrs--a thing I got hooked up with while I was in Ireland and with which I have since kept up. It's about the persecuted church throughout the world and they send out weekly emails of persecuted Christians that I can specifically pray for.

Well, I've been quite caught up lately so I haven't been reading these updates, so I opened the one from today and this is what it opened with...a verse that I've known for the span of my Christian walk...and part of it was even the verse for Reinhardt, but it's still good to be reminded:

"Have you not known?
Have you not heard?
The everlasting God, the LORD,
The Creator of the ends of the earth,
Neither faints nor is weary.
His understanding is unsearchable.
He gives power to the weak,
And to those who have no might He increases strength.
Even the youths shall faint and be weary,
And the young men shall utterly fall,
But those who wait on the LORD
Shall renew their strength;
They shall mount up with wings like eagles,
They shall run and not be weary,
They shall walk and not faint."
(Isaiah 40:28-31)

That's powerful!!! "For those who wait of the Lord shall renew their strength..."

So I shall wait on the Lord. As has become my new mantra: I choose to be single and on my own and be in God's will and approval rather than be with the wrong person, trying to make it under my own volition, and under God's disappointment.

It's a beautiful place to be, where I am now. I've met several mountains lately: my dad, whom I had made peace with his disappearance and assumed death, reappearing after four years, having lived in Atlanta the whole time. My mom announcing that she's moving to Missouri to live with my older sister and her family (therefore setting me on my way to have to either move to Columbus and find a new job or find a place of my own near my current job). Someone who had been quite distant came back into proximity, making me have to be ever vigilant on my thought life and idle time. And then two of my closest and dear friends decided that they saw in each other what I've seen in both of them individually--so a couple they now are.

I won't say that the past 3 weeks has been easy. There were even a few days there where I couldn't do anything but cry, moan, and not be able to form words or even coherent thoughts for prayers. I couldn't eat nor could I sleep. It was the valley. But throughout it all, my God has been patient, steady and ever-present. "His understanding is unsearchable. He gives power to the weak." His understanding really is unsearchable. He really does give power to the weak. He's given me the strength to forgive my dad instantly...now trust takes a while to build back up, but forgiveness was instantaneous. I asked God for understanding, and he gave me forgiveness (with a lot of help, called Truth, from my dear friends--and Bo can be credited with that one).

I've been with my mom my whole life. We depend on each other. Now we're parting ways. I asked God for direction and He gave me a peace to know that I should stay at my current job and the knowledge that I should talk to my coworker Jill because she is also planning on moving close to work in September (when my current lease is up). Thank you Lord Jesus--we found a place 4.8 miles from work and we're signing the lease tomorrow.

The distant person coming back into the picture has just made me cling to my Lord even closer, and He has given me a peace that even though I know not what the future holds, I know Who holds today. I know who I can trust and talk to and count on forever...and humans pale in comparison.

And my last mountain of the past couple of weeks is between me and my now dating friends. It hasn't been easy and I'll respect their privacy and my own and spare the details. But because God is faithful, we've all been able to find a new balance between our friendships and dating lives. It hasn't been easy and we have to take each day one at a time...but the beauty lies in the fact that God has given me truly wonderful and Godly friends. Both the dating ones, the local ones and definitely you that are afar! Friends that saw I was hurting and instead of following their own selfish agenda, reached out to see how they could help me before helping themselves. God has truly blessed each of these moments. These friends really sought to see what I was feeling and wanted to help. They wanted to put our friendship before their romance. That means a lot. That was God's face shining through human flesh.

I really only came into the library to A) get out of the house...I was restless!, B) use the computer and internet because my own is dead, and C) send Jamie an email I promised earlier. I don't really know what has spawned this email, but here it is. Here is my heart.

I really feel like for the first time in my life I get it. I get that God's ways are always better than mine. His agenda, his timetable, his will, his whispers, his SHOUTS, his proddings, his moments in my quiet time are ALWAYS better than what I could come up with on my own. I get that my quiet time throughout the day makes the world of difference. I get that I really have been given a gift by God and I should no longer shy away from it when he requests its presence. I get that impromptu praying for anyone, everyone, anything and everything is beautiful. It doesn't have to be eloquent, planned, more than a couple of words or beautiful. I get that each day could be my last--there's no point in being angry, in being petty, in being selfish or being caught up in worldly lust and longings. I get that God's face is my radiant end, my goal. Through him I have found true redemption and meaning. May his name be praised because of where I am now and to see the road I've journeyed on to get here.

So I guess this is just a thanksgiving of praise. Thanks to my friends, thanks for your prayers, thanks for your patience, thanks for your time, thanks for your forgiveness, thanks for your steadfastness. Thanks be to God for His hand on my life. I feel it now more than ever.

So, thanks. I love you all. For those far away, I miss you. For those close, thanks for putting up with me lately. But definitely for all of you, you've made me what I am today. You've been a stepping stone, placed by God, in my life and who knows where I would have fallen along the way without you.

And I'm officially being kicked out of the library...my session can only be renewed once and I've already done that. So I guess I should be along my way now, just wanted to let you all know what's on my heart.

love, anna