Just got this text message from the associate pastor friend of mine I mentioned:
"Hey...I think [Lady Preacher] has a partner named [Lady Preacher2]. :("
God makes me L-A-U-G-H!
Joke's on ME. HA!
Spinster crazy cat lady, here I come. And add single Sunday school teacher to make that list complete!
Thursday, August 11, 2011
Again with the raining and the pouring...
I sure know how to do things up BIG!
Sorry for the delay, oh blogosphere. I have been busy continuing to work my two jobs--and the non-profit has hit warp speed for sure! Also, I have been pursuing this exercising/eating right hype and you know what? That shit works. I'm down 18 pounds with very little actual effort. I oscillate between wanting to lose like 150 pounds, and just being pleased that I'm active and feeling good. Today it's "obsess over weight" day. Tomorrow will probably be back to, "I'm just glad I'm eating more vegetables." Oh, and I've adopted two cats named Tyler and Jules and they have 100% changed my life for the good. Best decision I've made in a long while.
Back to the raining and pouring: Well, we all remember Thumper. And how she wasn't ready for actually dating and putting me on a weird timetable and all that. So, (and I do believe this with all of my heart) the Lord placed her on my heart and mind last night because He reminded me that this is the month of August and that means her mom died a year ago this month. So I sent her a simple text saying that I know things didn't work out between us, but I wanted her to know that I know this year without her mom has been horrendous and that she's in my thoughts and prayers.
She responded back "Thank you for your message. I have thought about you a lot. Please know that you are the only person that has said anything about Mom this month. The 22nd will be a year."
As of this morning, we're back on friendly (certainly not dating) terms--and I just hope I can be a place of support for her because I truly believe she's just hurt and lost and trying to make her way in this world alone.
So after the Thumper debacle I kind of wrote off men and women in a heap. I am totally getting into the groove of being single and mostly asexual. I have two cats now--on my way to being a crazy cat lady and I'm totally jazzed about that!
I joined this awesome church on July 3rd. My dad's a member and it's been a source of some true reconciliation and healing. One of my best friends is my Sunday school teacher and it's been an awesome experience being part of a church where I belong, where my friends belong, and where we are all accepting with open arms and open hearts.
Fast forward a few weeks: we get a new children's and youth minister. She is a proper dyke. Buzzed hair, linen suit, wide green suspenders, big clunky black shoes, and the most adorable Timbuk2 messenger bag. And: I'm hooked. She seems pretty shy, but when she's speaking to the children, as she sits on the floor of the sanctuary in her robes so as to be on their level--she's so sweet and soft and caring. I may or may not have (read: definitely did) looked her up on FB and we have four mutual friends. Only one of which is a church contact. The other three are very odd indeed. One is a guy I went to college with--who happens to be married to a very good friend of mine (also from college). They are FB friends as I'm assuming they know each other from her master's of Divinity courses--he works at her mDiv university. One friend is a girl that works with me at the non-profit. So, of course, me being me, I emailed her this:
Her response:
"Hahahahah – she dated a GOOD friend of mine from high school, and their relationship ended maybe 2 years ago?? She’s great from what I have experienced of her. I think the relationship ended because she wanted marriage (not sure HOW they were going to sort that out—lesbian couple)..and my friend didn’t feel ready.
What’s the context?"
I assured her it was all good and I would divulge details later. :) I like to hear she's marriage minded. AND she loves the kiddos. And she's all kinds of deliciously butch.
I have ellicited the help of another associate pastor at my church. He and I have been friends for years, so I felt comfortable telling him of my infatuation. He's working on some details for me (as in: is she single? is she looking?). He's even gone so far in the past couple of days to become her FB friend as well.
Yesterday, I even went so far to sign up to be a children's Sunday school teacher--and I guarantee you the children were not my first thought or priority. I'm sure Jesus can forgive me. As the other associate pastor said, "Well, at least now you've got some guaranteed proximity!" I'm still waiting on her to respond to my "I want to teach the little lambs of God" email. I'll keep you posted.
On to more ethereal thoughts (you HAD to know that was coming): the thoughts of "labels" have been bothering me lately. When I first crushed on Thumper, I had a bit of an identity crisis. Am I a lesbian now? Do I have to fit into a some pre-formed "lesbian" mold? Do I have to classify as butch or femme? Do I have to go to only certain bars or be attracted to only certain people? What are the rules?
And then I came to the conclusion I was hoping to come to: I am who I am and I can't (and don't want to) be anyone else. I'm not gay or straight or bi or curious or questioning. I'm just me. I like who I like. I love lumberjack men. But I really like this butch, soft spoken lesbian preacher and I want to pursue that. And that's ok.
Want to know why it's ok?
'Cause baby, I was born this way.
Sorry for the delay, oh blogosphere. I have been busy continuing to work my two jobs--and the non-profit has hit warp speed for sure! Also, I have been pursuing this exercising/eating right hype and you know what? That shit works. I'm down 18 pounds with very little actual effort. I oscillate between wanting to lose like 150 pounds, and just being pleased that I'm active and feeling good. Today it's "obsess over weight" day. Tomorrow will probably be back to, "I'm just glad I'm eating more vegetables." Oh, and I've adopted two cats named Tyler and Jules and they have 100% changed my life for the good. Best decision I've made in a long while.
Back to the raining and pouring: Well, we all remember Thumper. And how she wasn't ready for actually dating and putting me on a weird timetable and all that. So, (and I do believe this with all of my heart) the Lord placed her on my heart and mind last night because He reminded me that this is the month of August and that means her mom died a year ago this month. So I sent her a simple text saying that I know things didn't work out between us, but I wanted her to know that I know this year without her mom has been horrendous and that she's in my thoughts and prayers.
She responded back "Thank you for your message. I have thought about you a lot. Please know that you are the only person that has said anything about Mom this month. The 22nd will be a year."
As of this morning, we're back on friendly (certainly not dating) terms--and I just hope I can be a place of support for her because I truly believe she's just hurt and lost and trying to make her way in this world alone.
So after the Thumper debacle I kind of wrote off men and women in a heap. I am totally getting into the groove of being single and mostly asexual. I have two cats now--on my way to being a crazy cat lady and I'm totally jazzed about that!
I joined this awesome church on July 3rd. My dad's a member and it's been a source of some true reconciliation and healing. One of my best friends is my Sunday school teacher and it's been an awesome experience being part of a church where I belong, where my friends belong, and where we are all accepting with open arms and open hearts.
Fast forward a few weeks: we get a new children's and youth minister. She is a proper dyke. Buzzed hair, linen suit, wide green suspenders, big clunky black shoes, and the most adorable Timbuk2 messenger bag. And: I'm hooked. She seems pretty shy, but when she's speaking to the children, as she sits on the floor of the sanctuary in her robes so as to be on their level--she's so sweet and soft and caring. I may or may not have (read: definitely did) looked her up on FB and we have four mutual friends. Only one of which is a church contact. The other three are very odd indeed. One is a guy I went to college with--who happens to be married to a very good friend of mine (also from college). They are FB friends as I'm assuming they know each other from her master's of Divinity courses--he works at her mDiv university. One friend is a girl that works with me at the non-profit. So, of course, me being me, I emailed her this:
So, I noticed you’re friends with [this girl] on Facebook.
Tell me everything you know and think. Please.
And, GO:Her response:
"Hahahahah – she dated a GOOD friend of mine from high school, and their relationship ended maybe 2 years ago?? She’s great from what I have experienced of her. I think the relationship ended because she wanted marriage (not sure HOW they were going to sort that out—lesbian couple)..and my friend didn’t feel ready.
What’s the context?"
I assured her it was all good and I would divulge details later. :) I like to hear she's marriage minded. AND she loves the kiddos. And she's all kinds of deliciously butch.
I have ellicited the help of another associate pastor at my church. He and I have been friends for years, so I felt comfortable telling him of my infatuation. He's working on some details for me (as in: is she single? is she looking?). He's even gone so far in the past couple of days to become her FB friend as well.
Yesterday, I even went so far to sign up to be a children's Sunday school teacher--and I guarantee you the children were not my first thought or priority. I'm sure Jesus can forgive me. As the other associate pastor said, "Well, at least now you've got some guaranteed proximity!" I'm still waiting on her to respond to my "I want to teach the little lambs of God" email. I'll keep you posted.
On to more ethereal thoughts (you HAD to know that was coming): the thoughts of "labels" have been bothering me lately. When I first crushed on Thumper, I had a bit of an identity crisis. Am I a lesbian now? Do I have to fit into a some pre-formed "lesbian" mold? Do I have to classify as butch or femme? Do I have to go to only certain bars or be attracted to only certain people? What are the rules?
And then I came to the conclusion I was hoping to come to: I am who I am and I can't (and don't want to) be anyone else. I'm not gay or straight or bi or curious or questioning. I'm just me. I like who I like. I love lumberjack men. But I really like this butch, soft spoken lesbian preacher and I want to pursue that. And that's ok.
Want to know why it's ok?
'Cause baby, I was born this way.
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
What a difference a day makes!
Had my monthly sit-down, pow-wow with the boss this morning. Voiced my concerns and he gave me some amazing insight as to how I should handle myself (stop trying to please everyone, not everyone has to like you, stop being so nice--just extend professional courtesy and focus on what you've got to do). Hard? Of course. Freeing? Absolutely!
I forgot to include the copy of an email (may or may not have been from the aforementioned terrific gay boy) I got yesterday regarding my FB status update:
J
Smiles all around. I will send each of you a similar list if you ever need it! I'm back to being right as rain!
I forgot to include the copy of an email (may or may not have been from the aforementioned terrific gay boy) I got yesterday regarding my FB status update:
Dear A,
I don’t know a lot about you. I mean, we’ve only really known each other for a little over two months. There’s only so much one can learn about another in a little over two months.
However, there are a few things that are abundantly clear to me:
-You’re generous
-You’re gracious
-You’re kind
-You’re very intelligent
-You challenge me to be more outgoing
-You challenge me to be more than I am now
-You challenge me to face the facts (“Honey, he’s just not that into you.”)
-You’re nice to me
-You have a heart for serving God by serving others
-You’re honest
-You’re responsible
-You’re witty
-You’re very funny
-You’re passionate
-You work hard
-You’re (insert first and last name here), and you don’t try to be anyone else
Smiles all around. I will send each of you a similar list if you ever need it! I'm back to being right as rain!
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Sometimes I need some time + perspective
It's been a month, I realize. But on a happy note: I no longer find myself in a crush with a gay boy--and for that I am grateful!
Also, I've been having a semi-tough time at work with a new coworker (at the non-profit). As you all know, I want nothing more than to help people. It's my cocaine and addiction. My bread and butter. I MUST help people. That's why I loved my job at the NGS for so long (more on that at another time)--helping people was literally my number one priority. I take pride on being quick on the uptake and being able to share whatever knowledge I've gleaned to help others. That applies at the non-profit. I was the office manager last year--I know what our boss is looking for. I know how to work our extremely complicated databases and financial systems. It was my job to train the new coworker (NC). So, I did--and I also sit 3 feet from NC, so I obviously felt like there would be more questions later.
But no. No questions. Then errors were made. And I tried to very sweetly and humbly to see how I could help. And things have quickly and largely gone downhill from there.
I will expound on the details later or maybe not at all as I'm trying to dwell in more positive thoughts these days.
BUT the reason for writing today--sometimes I need literal reminders of why people like me. Shallow? Maybe. Helpful? Definitely. It brings me back to Knowing Truths instead of the worries that race around my head when someone just literally hates me.
I sent a text last night to a couple of people saying that it was one of those nights that I didn't think I could do the NGS anymore. 4.8 years and I'm plain worn out. I've been overly used, overly depended on...and not always treated in the most ideal ways. I got this return text from a dear friend: "Always remember to try and not react out of emotion, but based on facts. Do what is good for you and know you are loved and supported."
Just that one sentence was enough to brighten my entire evening. Helped lift the pall that had shadowed my mood.
And then today on FB I got another boost. I posted about just not understanding why people don't like me...and these are the responses I got:
Also, I've been having a semi-tough time at work with a new coworker (at the non-profit). As you all know, I want nothing more than to help people. It's my cocaine and addiction. My bread and butter. I MUST help people. That's why I loved my job at the NGS for so long (more on that at another time)--helping people was literally my number one priority. I take pride on being quick on the uptake and being able to share whatever knowledge I've gleaned to help others. That applies at the non-profit. I was the office manager last year--I know what our boss is looking for. I know how to work our extremely complicated databases and financial systems. It was my job to train the new coworker (NC). So, I did--and I also sit 3 feet from NC, so I obviously felt like there would be more questions later.
But no. No questions. Then errors were made. And I tried to very sweetly and humbly to see how I could help. And things have quickly and largely gone downhill from there.
I will expound on the details later or maybe not at all as I'm trying to dwell in more positive thoughts these days.
BUT the reason for writing today--sometimes I need literal reminders of why people like me. Shallow? Maybe. Helpful? Definitely. It brings me back to Knowing Truths instead of the worries that race around my head when someone just literally hates me.
I sent a text last night to a couple of people saying that it was one of those nights that I didn't think I could do the NGS anymore. 4.8 years and I'm plain worn out. I've been overly used, overly depended on...and not always treated in the most ideal ways. I got this return text from a dear friend: "Always remember to try and not react out of emotion, but based on facts. Do what is good for you and know you are loved and supported."
Just that one sentence was enough to brighten my entire evening. Helped lift the pall that had shadowed my mood.
And then today on FB I got another boost. I posted about just not understanding why people don't like me...and these are the responses I got:
Me:
Monday, June 13, 2011
It was only a matter of time
...until I developed a for-real, visceral crush on a gay boy.
Ugh. This sucks. We work together. He went to my esteemed school of higher education. He's perfect. Really. He's well-read, hilarious, passionate, cute, nerdy.
And he likes boys.
God and I are not on speaking terms right at the moment. Well, about that at least.
We ARE on speaking terms as to our Pentecost sermon from yesterday: God has charged me to change the world in only the way that I can--no one else can affect the world like me...and I believe Him. What an empowering thought!
Also, I can't even begin to tell you how wonderful it is to spend so much time with my dad. It's like there are no years that we didn't talk...it's terrific and perfect and I love him and I am very glad he's a part of my life now.
Ugh. This sucks. We work together. He went to my esteemed school of higher education. He's perfect. Really. He's well-read, hilarious, passionate, cute, nerdy.
And he likes boys.
God and I are not on speaking terms right at the moment. Well, about that at least.
We ARE on speaking terms as to our Pentecost sermon from yesterday: God has charged me to change the world in only the way that I can--no one else can affect the world like me...and I believe Him. What an empowering thought!
Also, I can't even begin to tell you how wonderful it is to spend so much time with my dad. It's like there are no years that we didn't talk...it's terrific and perfect and I love him and I am very glad he's a part of my life now.
Friday, June 03, 2011
Neighborhood Grocery Store
Four years and seven months...and I'm officially burned out on my second job. But I make GREAT money (more an hour than my day job). GREAT benefits. Paid time off. 15% of what I make goes into a profitable money market account to which I never have to contribute. It's a really great job...and I'm tired of it.
So, if you find yourself bored, please offer up a prayer for me to find some discernment.
Maybe one of these days I'll be wise with my money and won't have to have two jobs. One of these days (as I stare off wistfully).
Wednesday, June 01, 2011
Wouldn't have thought it true
So Monday night was terrible at the NGS. I cried...it was a mess. Thinking SERIOUSLY of transferring to the store that's 2 miles from me and not the current 18.5 I drive now. Thinking seriously about finding another part-time job. 4.5 years is a long time to sell food and perform manual labor...
But that's not what I'm here to talk about. So, I didn't work last night--so I went to the Laundromat, went grocery shopping (at the MUCH closer NGS) and came home to make dinner. All very enjoyable for a night off. Tonight, also off work. I stayed at the non-profit until around 6:30, came home...and I have no idea what to do with my nights off. I watched the rest of a movie I started the other night. I wasn't interested in anything on Netflix or TV.
I've registered for this season of kickball (which means having a team to drink with pre- and post-games). I ordered some art prints from a friend selling his amazing photography...and now I'm writing here. It's only 9:53 PM EST and I think I'm going to head to bed. Am I that tired? No. I just don't know what else to do. I'm not in the mood to read, or call anyone, or work on my decoupage art project or go anywhere or be with anyone. Man, I am just out of sorts lately!
Bonus: I'm very happy I dumped Thumper. Haven't heard from her again and I can't say I'm surprised by that. I DID have a creepily real daydream on Monday regarding the chef from the neighborhood restaurant whom I may or may not have semi-stalked via Twitter. I worry about my brain pathways sometimes.
I'm happy for my dear M and her Italian tonight. I'm happy for a lot of things. And sleeping well the past week definitely helps.
Wishing everyone a lovely evening.
But that's not what I'm here to talk about. So, I didn't work last night--so I went to the Laundromat, went grocery shopping (at the MUCH closer NGS) and came home to make dinner. All very enjoyable for a night off. Tonight, also off work. I stayed at the non-profit until around 6:30, came home...and I have no idea what to do with my nights off. I watched the rest of a movie I started the other night. I wasn't interested in anything on Netflix or TV.
I've registered for this season of kickball (which means having a team to drink with pre- and post-games). I ordered some art prints from a friend selling his amazing photography...and now I'm writing here. It's only 9:53 PM EST and I think I'm going to head to bed. Am I that tired? No. I just don't know what else to do. I'm not in the mood to read, or call anyone, or work on my decoupage art project or go anywhere or be with anyone. Man, I am just out of sorts lately!
Bonus: I'm very happy I dumped Thumper. Haven't heard from her again and I can't say I'm surprised by that. I DID have a creepily real daydream on Monday regarding the chef from the neighborhood restaurant whom I may or may not have semi-stalked via Twitter. I worry about my brain pathways sometimes.
I'm happy for my dear M and her Italian tonight. I'm happy for a lot of things. And sleeping well the past week definitely helps.
Wishing everyone a lovely evening.
Friday, May 27, 2011
How about THAT?!
As I've previously stated, I sleep horribly. Well, last night I spent a very, very stormy evening with friends--a drink was imbibed, tacos were eaten and it was a lovely time indeed.
So, I got home--tried to watch a movie, got 45 minutes into it and decided it was time to sleep. I took a sleeping pill that had previously not worked out for me--but it worked last night! I slept from 10:30 until 6:30. EIGHT HOURS! Woo! So, this morning I feel refreshed and ready for a dreary, overcast Friday.
I woke up to a gchat message (how Thumper and I communicate primarily), "You took your profile down?" Umm, I haven't heard from her since Sunday and today is Friday. That's a long time in "dating limbo" land--well, it's a long time for me.
She asked why--I told her that I'm just tired of being online, tired of putting myself out there and clearly I'm not what the Internet dating world is looking for. She took it personally--and now we're in the middle of this weird and heated discussion.
I am, however, for the first time ever standing up for what I WANT out of this relationship. She's got some shitty circumstances right now. I totally get that...but if there isn't room for me, then I want out. I have plenty of friends--I don't need someone else to use me as an emotional crutch and then move on to romance with someone else. Been there and have done that for years. It's not a habit I wish to get back into.
I told her what I want: a relationship. She said she told me she can't give that to me until July. I said, fine, call me in July. And she acted offended, "So written off until then?" And that set me off, which I shall reenact here:
I don't know what else to do. I'm interested, clearly. But you said you don't have time to invest in me until July. You're mad when I don't text, yet when I do I don't always get a response. So, what do YOU want?
Her: Wow, I was just asking for clarification. I am at work and I'm busy now. Can't talk.
Me: For once, I'm standing up for what I want. I want a relationship. If that's what we're working toward, great. If not, then yeah, we should probably stop talking. I know you need friends and family right now and I feel for you. I do. But I have to watch out for me too. See, I give and give--it's who I am. But I typically give and then people feel nourished and move on. And that leaves me in the dust. So please take what I need into account too. If you feel like I need too much, then tell me and we can go our separate ways. If you decide in July you'd like to date, then by all means please call.
And I left it at that. She told me earlier this morning this exact thing: "Yes, you are a possibility. I can't promise anything though. I can't tell you that we will date. I kind feel like you already expect to be my girlfriend." I responded that yeah, she's probably right.
I shall NOT be strung along by someone who can't promise anything and won't even say she wants to date me.
Mark me being bad at dating women off the list now too. I don't know who is left--now that men and women are off the list.
Cat ownership, here I come!
:) I'm actually ok with all of this. Really. I'm at peace for pulling the plug on all this dating crap. I can focus on things that won't leave me perpetually thirsty.
And cuteness of cute, my mom called yesterday and said, "Can we go to New York for my 65th birthday?" That's next March--and I said of course! I said, "What do you want to do when we go?" Her only response: The Today Show.
That's all she wants to do. No Broadway shows, no site-seeing. She wants to go to Rockerfeller Square and stand outside all morning to be seen at The Today Show--and I couldn't want that more for her if I tried. So, friends, it looks like I'm going to NYC in March next year.
So, I got home--tried to watch a movie, got 45 minutes into it and decided it was time to sleep. I took a sleeping pill that had previously not worked out for me--but it worked last night! I slept from 10:30 until 6:30. EIGHT HOURS! Woo! So, this morning I feel refreshed and ready for a dreary, overcast Friday.
I woke up to a gchat message (how Thumper and I communicate primarily), "You took your profile down?" Umm, I haven't heard from her since Sunday and today is Friday. That's a long time in "dating limbo" land--well, it's a long time for me.
She asked why--I told her that I'm just tired of being online, tired of putting myself out there and clearly I'm not what the Internet dating world is looking for. She took it personally--and now we're in the middle of this weird and heated discussion.
I am, however, for the first time ever standing up for what I WANT out of this relationship. She's got some shitty circumstances right now. I totally get that...but if there isn't room for me, then I want out. I have plenty of friends--I don't need someone else to use me as an emotional crutch and then move on to romance with someone else. Been there and have done that for years. It's not a habit I wish to get back into.
I told her what I want: a relationship. She said she told me she can't give that to me until July. I said, fine, call me in July. And she acted offended, "So written off until then?" And that set me off, which I shall reenact here:
I don't know what else to do. I'm interested, clearly. But you said you don't have time to invest in me until July. You're mad when I don't text, yet when I do I don't always get a response. So, what do YOU want?
Her: Wow, I was just asking for clarification. I am at work and I'm busy now. Can't talk.
Me: For once, I'm standing up for what I want. I want a relationship. If that's what we're working toward, great. If not, then yeah, we should probably stop talking. I know you need friends and family right now and I feel for you. I do. But I have to watch out for me too. See, I give and give--it's who I am. But I typically give and then people feel nourished and move on. And that leaves me in the dust. So please take what I need into account too. If you feel like I need too much, then tell me and we can go our separate ways. If you decide in July you'd like to date, then by all means please call.
And I left it at that. She told me earlier this morning this exact thing: "Yes, you are a possibility. I can't promise anything though. I can't tell you that we will date. I kind feel like you already expect to be my girlfriend." I responded that yeah, she's probably right.
I shall NOT be strung along by someone who can't promise anything and won't even say she wants to date me.
Mark me being bad at dating women off the list now too. I don't know who is left--now that men and women are off the list.
Cat ownership, here I come!
:) I'm actually ok with all of this. Really. I'm at peace for pulling the plug on all this dating crap. I can focus on things that won't leave me perpetually thirsty.
And cuteness of cute, my mom called yesterday and said, "Can we go to New York for my 65th birthday?" That's next March--and I said of course! I said, "What do you want to do when we go?" Her only response: The Today Show.
That's all she wants to do. No Broadway shows, no site-seeing. She wants to go to Rockerfeller Square and stand outside all morning to be seen at The Today Show--and I couldn't want that more for her if I tried. So, friends, it looks like I'm going to NYC in March next year.
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Today!
I have successfully unsubscribed from all of my online dating profiles.
And because of the awesomeness of the Intranets, I was able to submit to my doctor for a renewal of my Prozac prescription.
A good day it's turning out to be. :)
And because of the awesomeness of the Intranets, I was able to submit to my doctor for a renewal of my Prozac prescription.
A good day it's turning out to be. :)
For today, I'm done
A lot can happen in 10 days. 10 days is when I last wrote on this here blog. 10 days ago I was riding on a "she likes me, she really likes me" high. I have since come down from that high. I've found, as was my original conclusion that I just chose to ignore, that I am indeed not a priority for Thumper and I am NOT a girl that can just play it cool or casual. I never have been and I don't know what made me think I could this time. I guess I wanted to try it as that's how all of my peers around me behave and they seem perfectly happy with such an outcome. I'm just not that girl.
So, Thump and I are done. Have I told her this? No. Will I? Possibly. She doesn't seem that invested in me anyway, so I doubt she'll notice. Wah wah. Woe is me and all that.
This past weekend I had houseguests. I haven't spent time with this couple for a while and we did super-fun Atlanta touristy things and ate out a lot.
[The rant that previously occupied this space has been deleted because I don't think it's fair for me to air such things so publically when I haven't even stated my frustrations with the affected parties. And I probably won't. Done and done.]
Also, I'm officially ending all of my online dating subscriptions today. I have been in that dating pool WAY too long. Like, I think I was one of the first people to sign up for that (insert cringe-worthy online dating site rep'd by that creepy old man "doctor."). I have been a single presence online since probably around 2002. It clearly has done nothing for me...so I'm done.
If I'm meant to be single, then so be it. I'm enjoying my life now. I love my friends. I love my job. I love where I live. I love Atlanta. I love sleeping when I want to sleep. I love watching Netflix until 5 AM when I want to. I love blasting NPR or Lady Gaga when I so choose. So, goodbye online dating baggage. I'm done with having an avenue that constantly makes me feel bad about myself.
Now, to turn my mood around and salvage this Thursday. I am currently enjoying my "Recently Added" playlist on my iPod which includes the new Lady Gaga, Fleet Foxes, and the awesome new Beastie Boys album.
I've already had coworkers ask about my altered mood--and free hugs abound. So, it's time to turn this frown upside down.
So, Thump and I are done. Have I told her this? No. Will I? Possibly. She doesn't seem that invested in me anyway, so I doubt she'll notice. Wah wah. Woe is me and all that.
This past weekend I had houseguests. I haven't spent time with this couple for a while and we did super-fun Atlanta touristy things and ate out a lot.
[The rant that previously occupied this space has been deleted because I don't think it's fair for me to air such things so publically when I haven't even stated my frustrations with the affected parties. And I probably won't. Done and done.]
Also, I'm officially ending all of my online dating subscriptions today. I have been in that dating pool WAY too long. Like, I think I was one of the first people to sign up for that (insert cringe-worthy online dating site rep'd by that creepy old man "doctor."). I have been a single presence online since probably around 2002. It clearly has done nothing for me...so I'm done.
If I'm meant to be single, then so be it. I'm enjoying my life now. I love my friends. I love my job. I love where I live. I love Atlanta. I love sleeping when I want to sleep. I love watching Netflix until 5 AM when I want to. I love blasting NPR or Lady Gaga when I so choose. So, goodbye online dating baggage. I'm done with having an avenue that constantly makes me feel bad about myself.
Now, to turn my mood around and salvage this Thursday. I am currently enjoying my "Recently Added" playlist on my iPod which includes the new Lady Gaga, Fleet Foxes, and the awesome new Beastie Boys album.
I've already had coworkers ask about my altered mood--and free hugs abound. So, it's time to turn this frown upside down.
Monday, May 16, 2011
And...
I appreciate all of the "you're better without her" support. I really, really do.
But I'm no longer "without" her. See...after I wrote my email, and after I got her response I didn't respond. And she called. Like six times. And sent lots of texts. And she can't fathom moving on without me...now, do I believe her undying devotion? Not for a minute. But am I still interested? Yes. Very much so.
She captivates me. I think about her and my knees are weak. She knows things that I want to know...and she wants to teach me.
So, I'm still open to meeting someone else. I'm still open to dating other people. But I'm also enjoying our flirty conversations and promises of future seduction.
It at least makes the days a little more interesting.
Fun on the horizon: possible blind date set up by my Lesbian Advisor.
Even more fun on the horizon: some dear friends are coming to visit me from St. Louis this weekend. Woo!
Zenith: my place is completely unpacked! I moved in October 22, 2010. All boxes unpacked: May 14, 2011. A big thanks to my dad...he was definitely my catalyst and HUGE help. And thanks to him almost all of my art is hung on the walls with some serious panache. He and I have the same aesthetic and I couldn't be more excited. :)
Church, renewed relationship with dad, friends coming into town, my mom loving the quilt class I bought for her--so much so she's making me a quilt of my very own. Today is a day that I am thankful for each breath.
But I'm no longer "without" her. See...after I wrote my email, and after I got her response I didn't respond. And she called. Like six times. And sent lots of texts. And she can't fathom moving on without me...now, do I believe her undying devotion? Not for a minute. But am I still interested? Yes. Very much so.
She captivates me. I think about her and my knees are weak. She knows things that I want to know...and she wants to teach me.
So, I'm still open to meeting someone else. I'm still open to dating other people. But I'm also enjoying our flirty conversations and promises of future seduction.
It at least makes the days a little more interesting.
Fun on the horizon: possible blind date set up by my Lesbian Advisor.
Even more fun on the horizon: some dear friends are coming to visit me from St. Louis this weekend. Woo!
Zenith: my place is completely unpacked! I moved in October 22, 2010. All boxes unpacked: May 14, 2011. A big thanks to my dad...he was definitely my catalyst and HUGE help. And thanks to him almost all of my art is hung on the walls with some serious panache. He and I have the same aesthetic and I couldn't be more excited. :)
Church, renewed relationship with dad, friends coming into town, my mom loving the quilt class I bought for her--so much so she's making me a quilt of my very own. Today is a day that I am thankful for each breath.
Thursday, May 12, 2011
The Response.
So I've written her quite a few emails and there really haven't been any responses...yet she decides to respond to this one.
7:02 AM
Anna,
After reading this note I don't know if I should be angry because you said you understood or thankful that it is going to be a bit easier on me not trying to add someone in my schedule.
I tried to tell you my life is highly scheduled. I also apologized for the harsh wording.
For now I am just going to try and make it two more hours with my 102 fever and get back home to bed.
Have a good day.
Thump
So, she's mad that I want something out of the relationship too--not just solely working on her schedule. And thankful she doesn't have to deal with me. Rock star. And she's also a bit of a hypochondriac (I've noticed a lot of ailments being thrown my way)...so, indeed, I do believe I'm better off.
Back to the convent I go. I'll probably stay there for a while this time.
Happy Thursday!
7:02 AM
Anna,
After reading this note I don't know if I should be angry because you said you understood or thankful that it is going to be a bit easier on me not trying to add someone in my schedule.
I tried to tell you my life is highly scheduled. I also apologized for the harsh wording.
For now I am just going to try and make it two more hours with my 102 fever and get back home to bed.
Have a good day.
Thump
So, she's mad that I want something out of the relationship too--not just solely working on her schedule. And thankful she doesn't have to deal with me. Rock star. And she's also a bit of a hypochondriac (I've noticed a lot of ailments being thrown my way)...so, indeed, I do believe I'm better off.
Back to the convent I go. I'll probably stay there for a while this time.
Happy Thursday!
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
And it is finished
This continual getting my hopes up and then getting letting down again is officially old. I think I'm just going to be single and asexual and just keep living my life as a gay man. At least those gays don't stomp all over me.
Email subject: Thinkin', hopin', and wishin'...
So, I've been quite lost in thought about our gchat conversation on Monday.
Email subject: Thinkin', hopin', and wishin'...
So, I've been quite lost in thought about our gchat conversation on Monday.
I totally get that things are crazy and sometimes shitty for you right now. But I just don't think I can sign on for all the "maybe" you threw my way.
I too work two full-time jobs, yet I could make time for some dates, some face-to-face investments. I realize your hours are more non-traditional than mine...but I just can't wait a month to meet you and three months to possibly date you...and then another three months to be your girlfriend.
In five months from tomorrow I'll be 30. I want to have something good going. I want to have someone by my side to celebrate with me. I want to BE with someone...not hoping that you might be able to squeeze me in. And scheduling aside--my feelings were really hurt this weekend when all I wanted to do was be thoughtful and romantic and just simply bring you flowers on a weekend that I knew was going to be tough for you--and your response, before you even knew what I wanted to do, was "Don't. It'll make my life hell."
I just don't think it's healthy to be living and working with someone that wants to make your life hell for any reason. Your life is hellish in its own right and no one should be adding to that. I understand why you moved in with her. I really do. I can't imagine the dose of trauma that was dealt you in August. It's horrendous...but I can't compete with a woman that is still so fully entrenched in your life.
I realize I'm new to this lesbian life...but I want more. I deserve more. I want someone who can't wait to spend time with me. I want someone who will be the first to contact me every once in a while. I want romance...and yes, friendship is part of that--but I can't start as a friend that's being kept at arm's length, a friend that isn't allowed close, and a friend that can't bring flowers to a girl she has a crush on just because how an ex-girlfriend will respond.
So if things calm down for you soon, please give me a call. I think you're hilarious...you made tears come to my eyes the one night we were able to talk because I was laughing so hard. You're beautiful and I think there could really be something between us--but I just need more of a commitment than "maybe."
If you ever need or want to talk--you know where to find me. I really and honestly with my whole heart wish you the best and hope you find some peace and whatever it is that you're looking for.
With much gravity and a bit of sadness,
A
Well, in other news--I did five loads of MUCH needed laundry tonight at my favorite neighborhood Laundromat and my gay dad is coming over to my place to help me pull some decorating things together tomorrow night before my house guests arrive next Thursday evening. Here's to hoping tomorrow is better than I feel right now! :)
Disappointment of the day
So, I haven't responded to Thumper's list of "Maybes." Know the disappointing part? I haven't heard from her either.
Another nail in the coffin, sister.
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Monday, May 9th, 2011
Yesterday was a big day. See, I had a girl give me her ideal timeline of possibly dating me without any consideration of what I want and/or need. And the only man I've ever truly loved became a father.
I'm terribly, terribly happy to his little family now. This is something he's always wanted and he deserves it. Also, I'm ridiculously happy with the life I lead now. Where I am in life, I can't imagine having a child.
But part of me is sitting here thinking and wondering how that should have been me.
I shan't delve into that any further. Moving on.
Back to the 159 handwritten notes I'm writing for our dedicated participants who raise over $1000 each year for the non-profit. I have 6 done so far. Wish me luck!
I'm terribly, terribly happy to his little family now. This is something he's always wanted and he deserves it. Also, I'm ridiculously happy with the life I lead now. Where I am in life, I can't imagine having a child.
But part of me is sitting here thinking and wondering how that should have been me.
I shan't delve into that any further. Moving on.
Back to the 159 handwritten notes I'm writing for our dedicated participants who raise over $1000 each year for the non-profit. I have 6 done so far. Wish me luck!
Monday, May 09, 2011
And I quote...
So, I felt bad for how I left things with Thumper on Friday. And I caved and wrote an email this morning:
Subject: I'm sorry
I know you're busy beyond belief. I know things are complicated by living and working with your ex.
I'm not trying to make things worse or awkward. So, just know I wanted to bring you flowers this weekend because I knew Mother's Day plus your mom's birthday was and is going to suck.
So, just know I'm here if you want to talk, and if you want me to back off I get that too.
Try to take some time for you today and I'll catch you on the flipside.
--A
Around the same time, I sent this text (because I can't leave well enough alone):
I can only imagine how sucky yesterday was and tomorrow will be worse. Just know I'm thinking of you and I'm here to talk if you want.
[A small amount of back story: back in August she found her mom dead in the home they shared. She was first responder--performed CPR, called 911, the whole bit. So, understandably she moved out of the Dead Mom house and moved in with the ex. Again, understandably. An ex is comfortable, and ex knows you and can help hold you up when you can't hold yourself. I get it. Also, yesterday was the first Mother's Day since she lost her mom. And tomorrow would have been her mom's 50th birthday. Doubly sucky week for Ms. Thumper.]
I then got this via gchat:
I'm not mad. [Might I interject that I never said she was mad or had reason to be mad? Ok, moving on.] Here is what I want: I want to get to know you. Be your friend. Maybe in a month or two I will have enough time to meet up. Maybe in three or so months we can do an actual date. Maybe in six months you will be my exclusive girlfriend. But today, and that is all I can think about, I need a friend that let's me be my crazy self and like me for that. Oh, and hello.
[Excuse me, what just happened? I have to wait a month or two to MEET her. In three or more months we can have an actual date and in SIX months we'll officially be dating? No ma'am. That does not work for me. In five months I will be 30. I don't just have all the time in the world to be strung along by someone who may OR MAY NOT (hence the use of all those "maybe" statements) want to be with me. I've been there. I've done that. I'd rather be aggravatingly single than to be sitting on the fence.]
Me: Hello. :)
Her: I also haven't been avoiding you I am just slammed. [Again, I never said she was avoiding me. Please don't project your issues! I do enough of that on my own, thank you very much.]
Me: I never thought you were avoiding me. And now we're on the same page...and that's all I was wanting and needing. So, perfection. Consider me the friend that celebrates your crazy.
Her: And my boss made me cry at work this morning so I am bitchy and having a shitty day consider yourself forewarned.
Her: If you could talk I would call you. I am driving and am having a highly distracted day, typing should be minimal.
Me: (before I saw her let's call and talk message) And honey, you've met your match as I rarely have a shitty day and I see the best in every damn situation. It's totally annoying...but hey, it's who I am. And I love nothing more than trying to lift the spirits of others.
Me: Hey, I'm in the post office. I'll call when I'm out. I'm in an awesomely long line, however.
Her: Warning, today I will squish that like a bug [she's referencing me being a spirit-lifter].
I was finished at the post office by this point...and instead of calling Thumper like I told her I would, I called @braindisposal instead. In my defense, I didn't really want to talk to Thumper. She had dropped a bomb on me and I wasn't ready to really respond. I'm still not. Also, she's clearly in a dark place and I wasn't in the mood to be an ego stroker. And @braindisposal, who has been my friend since, well, elementary school as her mom was my 2nd grade teacher, I just knew she'd love this latest bomb.
So we talked about Thump. And we really discussed how I don't want to be strung along where she gets all the relationship considerations and I just have to go along with it. And then we talked about her relationship, umm, challenges and I just haven't really thought about Thumper the rest of the day.
I don't know how I feel, honestly. And as my fried Gray says: I think you still like men with beards.
He's probably right.
Subject: I'm sorry
I know you're busy beyond belief. I know things are complicated by living and working with your ex.
I'm not trying to make things worse or awkward. So, just know I wanted to bring you flowers this weekend because I knew Mother's Day plus your mom's birthday was and is going to suck.
So, just know I'm here if you want to talk, and if you want me to back off I get that too.
Try to take some time for you today and I'll catch you on the flipside.
--A
Around the same time, I sent this text (because I can't leave well enough alone):
I can only imagine how sucky yesterday was and tomorrow will be worse. Just know I'm thinking of you and I'm here to talk if you want.
[A small amount of back story: back in August she found her mom dead in the home they shared. She was first responder--performed CPR, called 911, the whole bit. So, understandably she moved out of the Dead Mom house and moved in with the ex. Again, understandably. An ex is comfortable, and ex knows you and can help hold you up when you can't hold yourself. I get it. Also, yesterday was the first Mother's Day since she lost her mom. And tomorrow would have been her mom's 50th birthday. Doubly sucky week for Ms. Thumper.]
I then got this via gchat:
I'm not mad. [Might I interject that I never said she was mad or had reason to be mad? Ok, moving on.] Here is what I want: I want to get to know you. Be your friend. Maybe in a month or two I will have enough time to meet up. Maybe in three or so months we can do an actual date. Maybe in six months you will be my exclusive girlfriend. But today, and that is all I can think about, I need a friend that let's me be my crazy self and like me for that. Oh, and hello.
[Excuse me, what just happened? I have to wait a month or two to MEET her. In three or more months we can have an actual date and in SIX months we'll officially be dating? No ma'am. That does not work for me. In five months I will be 30. I don't just have all the time in the world to be strung along by someone who may OR MAY NOT (hence the use of all those "maybe" statements) want to be with me. I've been there. I've done that. I'd rather be aggravatingly single than to be sitting on the fence.]
Me: Hello. :)
Her: I also haven't been avoiding you I am just slammed. [Again, I never said she was avoiding me. Please don't project your issues! I do enough of that on my own, thank you very much.]
Me: I never thought you were avoiding me. And now we're on the same page...and that's all I was wanting and needing. So, perfection. Consider me the friend that celebrates your crazy.
Her: And my boss made me cry at work this morning so I am bitchy and having a shitty day consider yourself forewarned.
Her: If you could talk I would call you. I am driving and am having a highly distracted day, typing should be minimal.
Me: (before I saw her let's call and talk message) And honey, you've met your match as I rarely have a shitty day and I see the best in every damn situation. It's totally annoying...but hey, it's who I am. And I love nothing more than trying to lift the spirits of others.
Me: Hey, I'm in the post office. I'll call when I'm out. I'm in an awesomely long line, however.
Her: Warning, today I will squish that like a bug [she's referencing me being a spirit-lifter].
I was finished at the post office by this point...and instead of calling Thumper like I told her I would, I called @braindisposal instead. In my defense, I didn't really want to talk to Thumper. She had dropped a bomb on me and I wasn't ready to really respond. I'm still not. Also, she's clearly in a dark place and I wasn't in the mood to be an ego stroker. And @braindisposal, who has been my friend since, well, elementary school as her mom was my 2nd grade teacher, I just knew she'd love this latest bomb.
So we talked about Thump. And we really discussed how I don't want to be strung along where she gets all the relationship considerations and I just have to go along with it. And then we talked about her relationship, umm, challenges and I just haven't really thought about Thumper the rest of the day.
I don't know how I feel, honestly. And as my fried Gray says: I think you still like men with beards.
He's probably right.
Sunday, May 08, 2011
Back into the convent I go.
I don't think I'm cut out for dating girls.
And clearly boys don't want to be with me. I mean, plenty want to sleep with me. I had yet another offer this evening from a new coworker. Seriously. He insinuated he wanted to see me naked. Thankfully I was able to tell him in no uncertain terms that A) it's NOT going to happen and B) he's gotta have more going for him than a 15-year-old daughter, no college degree and only working at a grocery store with no more life ambition. Harsh? Probably. I'm a snob and I know it. Hey, it's my life.
I guess I need to look into adopting some cats, hunching my back, and yelling at the kids on my lawn.
And clearly boys don't want to be with me. I mean, plenty want to sleep with me. I had yet another offer this evening from a new coworker. Seriously. He insinuated he wanted to see me naked. Thankfully I was able to tell him in no uncertain terms that A) it's NOT going to happen and B) he's gotta have more going for him than a 15-year-old daughter, no college degree and only working at a grocery store with no more life ambition. Harsh? Probably. I'm a snob and I know it. Hey, it's my life.
I guess I need to look into adopting some cats, hunching my back, and yelling at the kids on my lawn.
Dead in the water?
So, I'll save you from all of the sordid details...but here's a Thumper recap:
I wanted to send/take her flowers. You know, because that's how girls who date girls roll...and so I asked for her theater schedule this weekend--her theater is about 10 minutes from my 2nd job. I was going to just take some flowers by, drop them off, and be on my merry way.
Me: What's your theater schedule Saturday and Sunday?
Her: Why?!
Me: I have a trick up my sleeve. It won't interrupt your schedule, I promise. ;)
Her: Don't.
Her: Whatever it is, don't. It'll make my life hell.
Her: I work with my ex this weekend and I can't handle that drama.
So I told her I'd back off--I get the picture. She said that I'm mistaking the situation.
No--I may not be an expert lesbian--but I do know that if you're living with your ex, you're working with your ex, and you don't want to start something new with someone new in fear of upsetting your ex, then she is, indeed, NOT your ex.
How do I ALWAYS do this to myself?
I'm sleepy, so I'll postpone more for later--but just know I had an utterly fantastic time at church today. This marks 3 weeks in a row and I plan on making it a lasting habit. Double bonus: having a gay day means I have a built-in interior decorator. He's going to come to my place and make it presentable for my St. Louis Houseguests that are coming in 2 weeks! Wee!
I wanted to send/take her flowers. You know, because that's how girls who date girls roll...and so I asked for her theater schedule this weekend--her theater is about 10 minutes from my 2nd job. I was going to just take some flowers by, drop them off, and be on my merry way.
Me: What's your theater schedule Saturday and Sunday?
Her: Why?!
Me: I have a trick up my sleeve. It won't interrupt your schedule, I promise. ;)
Her: Don't.
Her: Whatever it is, don't. It'll make my life hell.
Her: I work with my ex this weekend and I can't handle that drama.
So I told her I'd back off--I get the picture. She said that I'm mistaking the situation.
No--I may not be an expert lesbian--but I do know that if you're living with your ex, you're working with your ex, and you don't want to start something new with someone new in fear of upsetting your ex, then she is, indeed, NOT your ex.
How do I ALWAYS do this to myself?
I'm sleepy, so I'll postpone more for later--but just know I had an utterly fantastic time at church today. This marks 3 weeks in a row and I plan on making it a lasting habit. Double bonus: having a gay day means I have a built-in interior decorator. He's going to come to my place and make it presentable for my St. Louis Houseguests that are coming in 2 weeks! Wee!
Tuesday, May 03, 2011
I have an advisor
So, I have a friend of many years who is a lesbian. She is giving me tips and hints about this Thumper thing. She took me out to dinner tonight and we just had a lovely time chatting.
Her girlfriend sent along a book she said I just HAVE to read:
So, now I have homework apparently. I'll let you know how it goes.
More short texts with Thumper today and things are going very well indeed.
I think I have some reading to do. Or, I got Date Night in the mail from Netflix today. Perhaps I'll watch that. I love that it's 11:30 PM (EST, of course) on a "school night" and I'm considering watching a full-length movie. I do lead a charmed life indeed.
More later.
Her girlfriend sent along a book she said I just HAVE to read:
So, now I have homework apparently. I'll let you know how it goes.
More short texts with Thumper today and things are going very well indeed.
I think I have some reading to do. Or, I got Date Night in the mail from Netflix today. Perhaps I'll watch that. I love that it's 11:30 PM (EST, of course) on a "school night" and I'm considering watching a full-length movie. I do lead a charmed life indeed.
More later.
Monday, May 02, 2011
Will my face freeze by smiling too much?
Ok, I won't go into much detail here as I want to savor the moment all to myself.
But, Thumper and I had the most delightful gchat tonight during which she said that she would be driving home at the same time I was leaving the NGS and she admitted it wasn't much, but she wanted to spend that hour with me. Ah-adorable.
So, she asked for my number (SQUEE!!!). I honestly did not do my job to the best of my ability tonight. I spent a lot of time gchating and enjoying the sheer moment of being pursued and blatantly and openly flirted with. And yes, I just ended my sentence with a proposition and in not going to change it. So there.
So she got my number and called when she said she would (amazing) and although I had been nervous, she talked a lot and made me laugh so hard that I cried. That is like gold to me.
We had the best 40 minute conversation and get-to-know you session I could dream of and I'm very much looking forward to more.
Very much indeed. I shall now smile myself to sleep.
Thump-thump-thump-a-roo
05.01.11
Back to Thumper. After not hearing from her since Thursday or so...I got this email today:
Just thought you would like to know I am going to see Spelling Bee [part of my profile goes into depth about my over-indulged pride of being the state spelling bee champion TWICE in high school] and it made me think of you.
Sorry I'm so crazy busy.
Thump
My response:
And I mean it. So, I got a gchat around 9:30:
Her: So stranger, this is probably just another message in passing, but I thought I would say HI! [Note, I very much enjoy the all caps and exclamation.]
Me: Hi! How was Spelling Bee?
Her: Really great. Had dinner with friends, knew people in the cast. Got to see a theatre show without a headset on. It was fantastic!
Me: Ooo, fancy lady! How nice.
Her: How have you been?
(while I was typing) Her: I hate to do this...but...send me an email? Catch me up on your week. Share some more about you with me. I have a conference call in 10 min and am headed to bed after that. I SO want to know more!
As I retype that I get a tightness in my stomach and my eyes water...someone wants to hear from ME. Like, wants to hear about my week. Wants to know more about ME. Someone wants to know more.
No one has ever wanted to know more about me before. Well, there was that 2 week mistake known as Tallahassee--but chalk that up to, well, stupidity, and we shall move on.
See...when writing to Tallahassee, I felt like I always had to impress him. Perform to make sure he noticed how smart I am, or cultured, or forward thinking. And you know what? I'm tired of feeling like a show piece. That I have to show all my best parts to trick someone into liking me enough that they'd put up with my not-best parts too.
So, I shall hit "publish post" now and start writing Thumper about the rest of my week. And maybe I'll share some more of the fabulous me (good and bad) with the sweet-smiling her.
(Yes, I overshare. I copy and paste large swathes of email and information...but it's my blog. I write this for me. Do I want to keep my friends overly updated? You betcha. But I'm writing this for me to remember. I'm writing this for me to sort things out--and sorting, to me, means lots and lots of words.)
What a day indeed. I went to church (that's two Sundays in a row if you're counting). It was truly and very much amazing. My soul was nourished. I sat in awe. I sat thinking to myself, "Why did you ever leave this place, your home? Why would you ever decide to turn your back on God?" I didn't have an answer for myself.
But as I sat next to my oft-estranged dad and next to a very good and long-time, very supportive lesbian friend I felt at Home. I felt at Peace. I felt like my prayers were being heard. I was able to pray for others instead of just for myself. I was able to joyfully take communion and pray at the alter. I like this new leaf and I shall nourish it. My God is with me wherever I go. He loves me no matter what. He didn't wait for me to apologize for being gone so long...he ran from the porch as soon as he saw me in the distance. He hugged me before I could utter a word. He offered me His fattened calf. I shall not run away any time soon.
It's only on week 2, but I love having my dad back in my life. We've had a rocky past, sure--but we have a glorious future. A future where I can feel like I'm a part of a family--the family I've always longed for is one I already belong to.
Also, tonight at work a coworker called and asked if we had heard the news. What news? I asked--seeing that as all I had heard that evening included gluten intolerances and how we have new S'mores frozen ice cream sandwiches (ah-mazing, BTW). The news that Osama bin Laden is dead. No, we hadn't heard. And I shall say that I feel very detached from the whole situation. So that is all I will touch on for now.
Back to the excitement. Thumper apologized earlier in the week about her hectic schedule--she said she's literally booked until the middle of July. And honey, oh do I get it. I am usually the one with the irregular and crazy schedule that others can't deal with. So, I told her not to worry and to pencil me in for July 16th. Cute, right?
Before I go any further, I would like to document here and now: I feel no apprehension when I think of her. Am I saying I'm a lesbian? No. Am I saying I'm going to not pursue this? Definitely not. I am open to any paths that God may lead me to. Don't think God would lead me to this? Then we have different relationships with our God. I've been chasing men my entire life. I've been trying to earn love and acceptance. I've only ever gotten defeated and heartbroken. I dedicated SIX WHOLE YEARS of my life to a man who not-so-clearly didn't want me. I even sat at his wedding (obviously to someone else) and felt blessed that he would allow me to be there. What? Such a victim I am to my own crazy heart!
But this isn't about me being a woman who has been so hurt by men that she's turned to women. Not at all. I have always been attracted to girls. Ellie (not her name) and I kissed in her bedroom when we were like 7--like, KISS kissed. I kissed a girl during a drama sleep over (to be fair, that was the same sleepover where I may or may not have fondled a boy--at his urging). I very, very much wanted to kiss my best friend in high school. So much so that one night after I dropped her off at her house, she immediately emailed me and told me that she could tell I wanted to kiss her--but she didn't want our friendship to get weird. Nope, that would come many years later and it didn't have anything to do with lesbian issues at all.
Back to Thumper...I see her picture and my heart twinges. Like, her smile makes me feel like I need to be wherever it is. We've had a lot of missed communication over the past week and I started to get pretty frustrated that maybe she really wasn't into me--and where the hell do I go from here? I'm not attracted to EVERY girl...I'm not ready to cruise dive dyke bars...I don't want just any girl. But then I am comforted to know I'm the same me! I don't cruise ANY bars. I don't need to chase ANYone, regardless of gender. I told me Lesbian Advisor (LA for short--and the one I sat next to in church today), that pursuing this relationship at this point in my life is very freeing. I feel like I don't have to fit into any stereotypes or be or do things a certain way...I am who I am and I like who I like and that's ok. That's all it needs to be. How so very freeing. I can still love romantic comedies and my depressing singer-songwriters. I don't have to buzz-cut my hair NOR do I have to know every lyric to the Indigo Girls or Melissa Etheridge. I am who I am. I am a child of God. I seek a permanent relationship. I seek mutual love, respect, understanding and commitment. I'm not a one-night stand girl regardless of the partner. I'm not a casual dater, regardless of where it's with a "him" or a "her."
And that lightens my heart. And yes, I really did tell my (slightly redneck) sister about my girl crush--pretty much just to shock her. We're 9 years apart, have never been close, and have only recently (since our mom's illness) started to act like sisters. We text. We email. I've gone to visit them (her family) a couple of times (they live about 75 miles away). I wrote her a very frank and very honest email the first time BBM propositioned me entitled "Sisterly Advice Needed." And she wrote back the sweetest and most honest email. Again, I HAVE the family I've always craved...I just never fostered what I had--instead I lusted after what I thought I wanted.
So when I told her, very briefly via text, about my Thumper--all she said was, "I just want you to be happy. I don't care who it's with or if it's with anyone at all. Do what you think is right and your happiness will follow." That stopped me in my tracks. This open-mindedness coming from MY sister? My sister who met her husband while she was working at a fast-food drive through? My sister who lives in a small Southern town? My sister who is married to (an amazingly sweet and kind-hearted) man who calls Mexicans "Enchilados"? I'm still amazed by it all.
Thank you God for giving me the family I always wanted...and they really are my family. They are the ones that will help me pick up my pieces and move on. They are the ones that will be by my side always. No strings, no conditions. You are too good to me. I am humbled at your Grace and Mercy. Thank you God for reuniting me with my dad. I didn't realize what a big piece of my heart was frozen in his absence. Thank you God for my friends that are my family too. Thank you for every single one of them that has heard about this girl that intrigues me...and they have truly be unfazed. Not one has skipped a beat. Who I love doesn't matter to them...they just want me to love. Thank you Lord for loving me even though I screw up every day. Some days every minute. Thank you for letting me start again. And again. And again. You, indeed, are VERY mysterious--but a good God indeed.
Back to Thumper. After not hearing from her since Thursday or so...I got this email today:
Just thought you would like to know I am going to see Spelling Bee [part of my profile goes into depth about my over-indulged pride of being the state spelling bee champion TWICE in high school] and it made me think of you.
Sorry I'm so crazy busy.
Thump
My response:
Have a great Sunday afternoon. Hopefully you're taking some time for yourself.
And Thump, I've always been the one with the crazy schedule and no one could ever hang around to wait on me because they didn't understand how I couldn't automatically make time for them right then.
So, I'm going to be the person I always wished would find me: I'll wait.
I wish you well and I look forward to hearing from you again soon.
Peace, meAnd I mean it. So, I got a gchat around 9:30:
Her: So stranger, this is probably just another message in passing, but I thought I would say HI! [Note, I very much enjoy the all caps and exclamation.]
Me: Hi! How was Spelling Bee?
Her: Really great. Had dinner with friends, knew people in the cast. Got to see a theatre show without a headset on. It was fantastic!
Me: Ooo, fancy lady! How nice.
Her: How have you been?
(while I was typing) Her: I hate to do this...but...send me an email? Catch me up on your week. Share some more about you with me. I have a conference call in 10 min and am headed to bed after that. I SO want to know more!
As I retype that I get a tightness in my stomach and my eyes water...someone wants to hear from ME. Like, wants to hear about my week. Wants to know more about ME. Someone wants to know more.
No one has ever wanted to know more about me before. Well, there was that 2 week mistake known as Tallahassee--but chalk that up to, well, stupidity, and we shall move on.
See...when writing to Tallahassee, I felt like I always had to impress him. Perform to make sure he noticed how smart I am, or cultured, or forward thinking. And you know what? I'm tired of feeling like a show piece. That I have to show all my best parts to trick someone into liking me enough that they'd put up with my not-best parts too.
So, I shall hit "publish post" now and start writing Thumper about the rest of my week. And maybe I'll share some more of the fabulous me (good and bad) with the sweet-smiling her.
(Yes, I overshare. I copy and paste large swathes of email and information...but it's my blog. I write this for me. Do I want to keep my friends overly updated? You betcha. But I'm writing this for me to remember. I'm writing this for me to sort things out--and sorting, to me, means lots and lots of words.)
Oh where to start...
Let's do this in bullet form:
Ok...where to start. Am I straight identified? Yes. Have I always been intrigued and attracted to women yet never acted on it? Yes.
Did your profile make me stop in my tracks and want to know more? Yes indeedy. I love your sweet pictures...and if you'd be so kind, I'd like to know more.
I hope you're ridiculously well this fine rainy evening.
--Anna
(more like Ah-nah, and less like Anne-uh)
Apr 26, 2011 – 4:52am
I will be truthful and admit that I thought long and hard about saying "Thank you I'm flattered but not interested" after this email. However, I find your profile tempting. So, here we are.
Straight identified but intrigued is normally a broken heart death wish for gay girls so please understand my original hesitation.
Thank you for the compliment. I noticed that we seem to have a lot of the same outlook via the match questions.
I, also, looked through your pictures and think you are quite beautiful.
What more would you like to know? I am very much an open book.
I was sleeping when you wrote this and am actually walking out the door to work now, so forgive me if it is the least flattering depiction of my grammar and charm. 4 hours sleep is riding me this morning. Blech.
In better news... There might be a nap in my future today.
Hope to hear from you soon.
Thumper (obviously not her name...but Thumper the rabbit was adorable, and she makes my heart thump around--cute, right?)
(insert her cute joke about the spelling of her name kind of like how I signed my first email)
Apr 26, 2011 – 7:15am
Four hours sleep, hmm? I am right there with you. And I am very, very sorry that you have to be anywhere for work at 4:52 AM. That is still nighttime in my opinion. I have a little friend that we like to call Insomnia...so to bed I went at 1:30 and wide awake at 5:30. Awesomesauce. It's given me the chance to get a lovely email (pssstt, that's you) and listen to the entire Morning Edition lineup on NPR. Will I regret all this free time this morning around 3 PM? Why yes, yes I will. Especially since I have to work both my jobs today--this silly thing we call being "responsible adults" is quite a bit overrated. :)
I very much appreciate you giving me a shot...I honestly didn't think you would. And I totally would have understood if you hadn't. "Broken heart death wish" is something I understand well. It's not just for gay girls...and I get it that all signs point to that I could be trouble. And I still could be trouble--but I don't think for the reasons you're thinking. I'm a good kind of trouble, I promise.
Now, let me establish my gay street cred. I live my life as a gay man. I only go to gay bars, I only spend my social time around gay functions and the LGBT community has strong ties to my heart. My dad is gay and I work for the Southeast's largest AIDS service organization and you guessed it--most of my coworkers are gay. I haven't dated a boy (or anyone, for that matter) since high school [I left out my most recent assignation with BBM and King of Miami--those are conversations to have face-to-face, or never. Whatever.]--and even then it wasn't "dating", it was really just making out at Drama Club functions. Those are the same functions where I was known to kiss a girl too. Also, I'm fairly certain my mom is convinced I'm a lesbian anyway...and I'm ok with that. Sorry if it sounds like I'm trying too hard...I AM operating on only 4 hours of sleep after all.
I am very much jealous of this "nap" thing of which you speak. I hope it works out for you. Not all of us should be burdened with lack-of-sleep craziness.
And as to the "more" that I requested...really, everything would suffice. What's your story? What makes you tick? What are you passionate about? Have you had any success with this online dating thing? What are you looking for in love?
I very much believe in God and I think He's kept me single this long for a reason. I have a lot of love to give and He didn't want me to waste my heart on people that wouldn't take proper care of it and me. I believe in working hard to foster love and respect. I believe in monogamy and commitment. I believe in romance--whispered sweet nothings, acts of random kindness, and supporting each other's dreams as we work to make them happen for each other.
Clearly I have the gift of the gab and could write forever. But I shan't.
Thumper, I hope you have a fantastic Tuesday and I would be lying if I said I'm not hoping to hear back from you soon.
:)--me
Apr 26, 2011 – 7:37am
This girl is smiling at work while sweaty and gross because of this little note.
My day, so far, is Monday in a Tuesday's clothing. Boohiss.
I want to write back in a fitting mannor but am short of that availability on my BB. I do have gchat if you are interested...
Okay back to cussing and fixing problems. It's cute, I swear.
T
Apr 26, 2011 – 7:52am
Just so you know, I just let out a little squeal. I also just texted my sister that I'm interested in a girl...just thought I'd prepare her. This isn't meant to scare you, I promise. I just want you to know I'm serious.
And yes, gchating sounds lovely. I'm about to get dressed/head to work, but I'm up for it.
And I have no doubt your cussing and fixing problems is anything but adorable.
:)--A
Ok, so after your initial lesbian shock (here's looking at you @rantipole), we chatted all of Monday via gchat (the chat function of Google) and it was glorious. Then there was some lapse in communication--some hurried emails, some very quick chats of "hi. have a good day."
And on Tuesday of last week (04.26.11) I received a text around lunch time from BBM--just 5 short hours after his "let's be friends, but ones that don't talk about sex" declaration.
Him: Where are you right now?
Me: The break room at work eating lunch. You?
Him: Just got out of the shower. Come to me.
He lasted five hours under his OWN rules. Amazing. My life is amazing. And never boring. Never, ever, ever.
I did not respond. I don't think I'll be talking to BBM anymore. I don't need that in my life. I'm not very good at being a sexpot.
- Friday 04.22.11: BBM told me he didn't want to be a bother to me anymore and that his ploy to be my friend was really to reel me into him. I thought that was super cute. So after Fireproof, the Kirk Cameron/Jesus hit (I say this in sarcasm, but I own the damn thing, so that should speak volumes about me).
- Late that evening I told him that I wanted to be reeled in by him and he is not a bother.
- I don't remember what else happened. I slept in until noon (thanks Tylenol PM) and worked that night.
- Sunday was Easter. I dressed myself up, went to church--had an amazing worship time and have decided to actually go on a regular basis. Then we (my gay posse that then included my gay dad who goes to said church) had Easter lunch at the church. It was lovely!
- THEN we went to this Easter tradition in Gaylanta: Easter Drag Races. It has to do with drag queens, silly games, and lots of Easter bonnets. And a blue vodka drink. Friends: don't ever drink blue vodka drinks. They are dangerous.
- I got ridiculously drunk. I mean, parts of the evening are hazy drunk. Stumbling around and slightly unable to control my motor skills drunk.
- During this drinking binge I texted BBM. Very, very, very naughty and X-rated things. He was very polite, told me that I shouldn't be thinking or speaking of such things...but later in the evening I apparently went too far. I received this text message: "No. Not into games. You're a tease and you get off by it...not cool! Please refrain from contacting me. I am not into your little games."
- Amazing, right? I AM a tease and it was inexcusable. Being drunk is no excuse, but still. I am out of control.
- Finally, late last night (Monday, 04.28.11) I just felt so bad that I sent him this: "I know you don't want to hear from me, and you're totally right. I'm 300% sorry. I'm embarrassed and you deserve so much more. I'm so sorry." [Sidenote: as I read this a full week later--the wee hours of May 2, 2011--why does he deserve more? He just wanted to use me for sex. I was using him, via text message, for the same thing. I worry about my self-worth compass sometimes.]
- 5 AM this morning BBM: "It's not that I don't want to hear from you. Just not about sex. If friendship is capable, it's cool, but sex does not need to be brought up." What in the world? Yeah, after you've sent me pictures of certain parts of your anatomy, "just friends" has to be thrown out the window. I'm sorry, but it's true. You can't go back after seeing a big black penis no matter what anyone tells you. I prefer not to see any of my friends' reproductive organs. It's just a thing I have.
- Yesterday I was on one of my many online dating sites, checking emails and the like, and just out of curiosity clicked during a search field instead of "Guys looking for girls" I chose "Girls looking for girls." I've always been just a little bit interested in girls...I doubt that's the most shocking thing you've ever heard about me (especially after the King of Miami). Girls understand me. They're soft.
- I especially like butch lesbians...the flannel, the Chuck Taylors, the fauxhawk...all of it.
- I came across a profile of a 26-year-old lesbian who lives here in the ATL. She's a drama techie--like, she works with a local theater and does all their technical work. She also works at a locally owned/founded home improvement store (do I love that? Why yes, yes I do.).
- She caught my attention. She caught my eye. So I saved her to my favorites. And then had to go to work at the NGS.
- I got home and saw that she had added me to her favorites too. I decided that I should write and introduce myself. Here is what I wrote:
Ok...where to start. Am I straight identified? Yes. Have I always been intrigued and attracted to women yet never acted on it? Yes.
Did your profile make me stop in my tracks and want to know more? Yes indeedy. I love your sweet pictures...and if you'd be so kind, I'd like to know more.
I hope you're ridiculously well this fine rainy evening.
--Anna
(more like Ah-nah, and less like Anne-uh)
Apr 26, 2011 – 4:52am
I will be truthful and admit that I thought long and hard about saying "Thank you I'm flattered but not interested" after this email. However, I find your profile tempting. So, here we are.
Straight identified but intrigued is normally a broken heart death wish for gay girls so please understand my original hesitation.
Thank you for the compliment. I noticed that we seem to have a lot of the same outlook via the match questions.
I, also, looked through your pictures and think you are quite beautiful.
What more would you like to know? I am very much an open book.
I was sleeping when you wrote this and am actually walking out the door to work now, so forgive me if it is the least flattering depiction of my grammar and charm. 4 hours sleep is riding me this morning. Blech.
In better news... There might be a nap in my future today.
Hope to hear from you soon.
Thumper (obviously not her name...but Thumper the rabbit was adorable, and she makes my heart thump around--cute, right?)
(insert her cute joke about the spelling of her name kind of like how I signed my first email)
Apr 26, 2011 – 7:15am
Four hours sleep, hmm? I am right there with you. And I am very, very sorry that you have to be anywhere for work at 4:52 AM. That is still nighttime in my opinion. I have a little friend that we like to call Insomnia...so to bed I went at 1:30 and wide awake at 5:30. Awesomesauce. It's given me the chance to get a lovely email (pssstt, that's you) and listen to the entire Morning Edition lineup on NPR. Will I regret all this free time this morning around 3 PM? Why yes, yes I will. Especially since I have to work both my jobs today--this silly thing we call being "responsible adults" is quite a bit overrated. :)
I very much appreciate you giving me a shot...I honestly didn't think you would. And I totally would have understood if you hadn't. "Broken heart death wish" is something I understand well. It's not just for gay girls...and I get it that all signs point to that I could be trouble. And I still could be trouble--but I don't think for the reasons you're thinking. I'm a good kind of trouble, I promise.
Now, let me establish my gay street cred. I live my life as a gay man. I only go to gay bars, I only spend my social time around gay functions and the LGBT community has strong ties to my heart. My dad is gay and I work for the Southeast's largest AIDS service organization and you guessed it--most of my coworkers are gay. I haven't dated a boy (or anyone, for that matter) since high school [I left out my most recent assignation with BBM and King of Miami--those are conversations to have face-to-face, or never. Whatever.]--and even then it wasn't "dating", it was really just making out at Drama Club functions. Those are the same functions where I was known to kiss a girl too. Also, I'm fairly certain my mom is convinced I'm a lesbian anyway...and I'm ok with that. Sorry if it sounds like I'm trying too hard...I AM operating on only 4 hours of sleep after all.
I am very much jealous of this "nap" thing of which you speak. I hope it works out for you. Not all of us should be burdened with lack-of-sleep craziness.
And as to the "more" that I requested...really, everything would suffice. What's your story? What makes you tick? What are you passionate about? Have you had any success with this online dating thing? What are you looking for in love?
I very much believe in God and I think He's kept me single this long for a reason. I have a lot of love to give and He didn't want me to waste my heart on people that wouldn't take proper care of it and me. I believe in working hard to foster love and respect. I believe in monogamy and commitment. I believe in romance--whispered sweet nothings, acts of random kindness, and supporting each other's dreams as we work to make them happen for each other.
Clearly I have the gift of the gab and could write forever. But I shan't.
Thumper, I hope you have a fantastic Tuesday and I would be lying if I said I'm not hoping to hear back from you soon.
:)--me
Apr 26, 2011 – 7:37am
This girl is smiling at work while sweaty and gross because of this little note.
My day, so far, is Monday in a Tuesday's clothing. Boohiss.
I want to write back in a fitting mannor but am short of that availability on my BB. I do have gchat if you are interested...
Okay back to cussing and fixing problems. It's cute, I swear.
T
Apr 26, 2011 – 7:52am
Just so you know, I just let out a little squeal. I also just texted my sister that I'm interested in a girl...just thought I'd prepare her. This isn't meant to scare you, I promise. I just want you to know I'm serious.
And yes, gchating sounds lovely. I'm about to get dressed/head to work, but I'm up for it.
And I have no doubt your cussing and fixing problems is anything but adorable.
:)--A
Ok, so after your initial lesbian shock (here's looking at you @rantipole), we chatted all of Monday via gchat (the chat function of Google) and it was glorious. Then there was some lapse in communication--some hurried emails, some very quick chats of "hi. have a good day."
And on Tuesday of last week (04.26.11) I received a text around lunch time from BBM--just 5 short hours after his "let's be friends, but ones that don't talk about sex" declaration.
Him: Where are you right now?
Me: The break room at work eating lunch. You?
Him: Just got out of the shower. Come to me.
He lasted five hours under his OWN rules. Amazing. My life is amazing. And never boring. Never, ever, ever.
I did not respond. I don't think I'll be talking to BBM anymore. I don't need that in my life. I'm not very good at being a sexpot.
Sunday, May 01, 2011
Words, words, words...they just bubble out of me
I currently have three blogs in the "draft" phase because they all need to be finished, but I wanted to post this quickly:
I follow a stranger's blog (me? be nosy? NEVER.)...and she posted this a while ago, but I just read it. Gorgeous:
Oh, You. Who are You? What do You want of me? What will I be doing on this day next year? Don’t tell me. (You wouldn’t anyway, would You?) Do You know, Yourself, or is it left partly to me? Are You withholding my life from me, or unfolding it with me? Are You an eternal parent, or are we eternal partners? Are You there for me now? I choose to think so. Otherwise it would just be too lonely. -Gail Godwin, Father Melancholy’s Daughter
Friday, April 22, 2011
I'm in a pickle.
So, I make no illusions to the fact that: I'm a messy person. My car is usually loaded down with clothes, shoes, raincoats, and reusable cups from QuikTrip.
My car is cleaned out these days...and it feels great!
So, you can imagine my domicile is equally if not more messy. I moved into my current place in October. Are there still boxes that have yet to be unpacked: indeed!
Cut to this morning. BBM wants to come over (I had offered my place as an option when I thought A) we were still going to be needing somewhere, ahem, more private and B) On Wednesday when I had several days to clean up).
I had no idea we were still "on" for today. Well, until 9:18 AM this morning. And he said he was just going to come over. I told him to give me a while to straighten up and shower and I would give him a shout. WELL..."give me a while" turned into like 2 hours. And I still didn't have a presentable home. I had knocked over two potted plants where the ceramic pots broke, potting soil got everywhere...and I just lost my will to go on. So I texted him, apologized, told a white lie that the power was out at my place (it happens frequently enough in my 150-year-old home) and asked him to meet me at a local pizza place instead. HINDSIGHT: I should have known my messy self wasn't workable first thing in the morning and offered up a second, more public, place to meet at 9:19 AM. Alas, it is hindsight and wasn't foresight.
I didn't hear back from him for a while, so I assumed he had fallen asleep. TOTALLY legit seeing that as he was at work from 6 PM to 9 AM.
I told him that he should call me later and we'd get together later. He then responded with a "?" and I again asked him to meet me at the pizza place. It was 12:45 PM at this time and I knew that I had a work filming thing at 2...but I decided to go for it anyway.
He then responded with:
"Naw, it's okay. Maybe the friendship proposal was an effort to reel you into me, but it's probably best that I not be a bother anymore."
UGH. I'm SO frustrated. Why does he have to work such a weird schedule? Why did I have to waste precious date hours today fruitlessly?
I haven't responded...he wrote that at 12:57 PM. It's currently 7:16 PM.
I WANT to be bothered. I WANT to be reeled in.
So instead of responding I shall now go make some dinner and watch the Kirk Cameron hit "Fireproof" because I'm a glutton for punishment.
(Please help. Any ideas? Any?)
My car is cleaned out these days...and it feels great!
So, you can imagine my domicile is equally if not more messy. I moved into my current place in October. Are there still boxes that have yet to be unpacked: indeed!
Cut to this morning. BBM wants to come over (I had offered my place as an option when I thought A) we were still going to be needing somewhere, ahem, more private and B) On Wednesday when I had several days to clean up).
I had no idea we were still "on" for today. Well, until 9:18 AM this morning. And he said he was just going to come over. I told him to give me a while to straighten up and shower and I would give him a shout. WELL..."give me a while" turned into like 2 hours. And I still didn't have a presentable home. I had knocked over two potted plants where the ceramic pots broke, potting soil got everywhere...and I just lost my will to go on. So I texted him, apologized, told a white lie that the power was out at my place (it happens frequently enough in my 150-year-old home) and asked him to meet me at a local pizza place instead. HINDSIGHT: I should have known my messy self wasn't workable first thing in the morning and offered up a second, more public, place to meet at 9:19 AM. Alas, it is hindsight and wasn't foresight.
I didn't hear back from him for a while, so I assumed he had fallen asleep. TOTALLY legit seeing that as he was at work from 6 PM to 9 AM.
I told him that he should call me later and we'd get together later. He then responded with a "?" and I again asked him to meet me at the pizza place. It was 12:45 PM at this time and I knew that I had a work filming thing at 2...but I decided to go for it anyway.
He then responded with:
"Naw, it's okay. Maybe the friendship proposal was an effort to reel you into me, but it's probably best that I not be a bother anymore."
UGH. I'm SO frustrated. Why does he have to work such a weird schedule? Why did I have to waste precious date hours today fruitlessly?
I haven't responded...he wrote that at 12:57 PM. It's currently 7:16 PM.
I WANT to be bothered. I WANT to be reeled in.
So instead of responding I shall now go make some dinner and watch the Kirk Cameron hit "Fireproof" because I'm a glutton for punishment.
(Please help. Any ideas? Any?)
I'm intrigued
So I didn't hear from BBM yesterday, so I thought our date was off today (i understand! It was supposed to be a sex date and then I had to go ruin it with my morals and desire for more blah blah blah).
I didn't contact him because the New Anna doesn't chase boys. I'm only on day two of this, so I didn't expect success.
Go to bed at 2 AM. Take Tylenol PM so as to sleep through the night. Wake up at 9:30 to a text from BBM: we still hanging out today? I promise to keep my hands to myself.
Maybe THIS is what it feels like to have a boy pursue you. Interesting.
I'll keep you updated.
I have a date to prepare for...
He's Just Not That Into You
I saw the movie and thought it was horrible. But maybe I didn't give it a chance b/c I saw it on an ill-fated evening of "Girl's Night Out." I hate the concept. I don't hang out with many girls because I'm awkward at it. I'm not a very good "Girl" member of "Girl's Night Out." I'm not very girly. I'm generally pretty vulgar and crude...that's why I live the life of a gay man. My gays get me. We enjoy every moment of our time together. But the night I went to see this movie in theaters (a couple of years ago...) I was trying to be more Girls Night appropriate. I was invited by a high school friend and we met up with some of her girlfriends. They were horrendous. Stereotypical slutty nags who just don't Get It.
But I digress.
My dearest friend Terra Cotta Sugarbaker recommended that I read He's Just Not That Into You. I balked. But then I found it on amazon.com for $8 so I succumbed. It came in the mail yesterday--and after my day of BBM, I was in the mood to zone out on a book. And I ended up reading it in its entirety. And it IS amazing advice. Thanks TCS!
If he wants to talk to me, he'll call. If he wants to go out with me, he'll ask.
I've been chasing men my whole life and the gig is officially UP. I'm done. Now to just continue living my life as a gay man until a straight man decides to claim me as his own.
Now: sleep. No work for either job tomorrow. Glorious. Only thing on the docket: me at a local pizza place for the filming of our 4th video in a webseries related to HIV and white gay men. TCS, you're brilliant as our director and I'm looking forward to our "shoot"!
I guess I don't have a date for tomorrow anymore (as I haven't heard from BBM). Which is fine...I'll sleep in and eat garlic bread for lunch.
But I digress.
My dearest friend Terra Cotta Sugarbaker recommended that I read He's Just Not That Into You. I balked. But then I found it on amazon.com for $8 so I succumbed. It came in the mail yesterday--and after my day of BBM, I was in the mood to zone out on a book. And I ended up reading it in its entirety. And it IS amazing advice. Thanks TCS!
If he wants to talk to me, he'll call. If he wants to go out with me, he'll ask.
I've been chasing men my whole life and the gig is officially UP. I'm done. Now to just continue living my life as a gay man until a straight man decides to claim me as his own.
Now: sleep. No work for either job tomorrow. Glorious. Only thing on the docket: me at a local pizza place for the filming of our 4th video in a webseries related to HIV and white gay men. TCS, you're brilliant as our director and I'm looking forward to our "shoot"!
I guess I don't have a date for tomorrow anymore (as I haven't heard from BBM). Which is fine...I'll sleep in and eat garlic bread for lunch.
Thursday, April 21, 2011
It's long. And from 3 years ago. But I love it.
13.february.2008
Today is a day of revelations. Not all of them are monumental, but they certainly all click. I sit here in my cube pondering life’s immediate mysteries: what am I to do with my life? What am I truly passionate about? Is it going to snow tonight? How do the people I hold so dear and ever-so-slightly on a pedestal think of me while they’re riding down the road?
And I’ve come to these conclusions:
a) I love actual printed photographs and I won’t again wait over a year to get them printed.
b) I really enjoyed and relished in shopping for a college friend’s baby shower today. She and I were never truly close, but we’ve had our electric moments of hatred and love and we've tried to keep up during the post-collegiate years. I really wish the best for her and her baby. I started to think if I were in that situation, being a twenty-something rapidly approaching motherhood as a single woman and I don't know how I'd do it. But that's certainly not to say it can't be done and I wish her the best. And the gadgetry surrounding baby-dom is mind-boggling and quite disorienting. But I had fun nonetheless and hopefully I can be included in her circle to call if she ever needs anything. I am briskly finding my home in the thought life that we all need each other. Friends, true heart companions, are a family that is as strong, if not stronger, than blood ties. And I totally know I sound like a Hallmark commercial there, but I mean it.
And speaking of cheesy commercials, has anyone seen that Publix commercial with the young woman teaching kids how to make cupcakes and they then conspire to spell out on the cupcakes that she should look outside and there's a guy out there with flowers and a jewelry box? I mean seriously, I've never wanted to buy Publix eggs and go back to elementary school more in my life. Ok, back to friendship.
There are friends you make that last for a lifetime, and some for only a little bit. But don't lessen the short-lived ones or pass them off as not being as meaningful. I recently went through a friend break-up of sorts and I can honestly say, I wouldn't take back those years for anything. And I certainly wouldn't take back the year's (ok, more than a year) anguish that that break-up caused. It taught me a lot and perhaps that's what the whole friendship was about: taking each other through that crazy, amazing, scary, life-basis known as high school; growing in different directions yet still being family to each other; introducing them to their future spouse and realizing that's the end of things. And being able to walk out of that saying, "Man, I am blessed for having that relationship in my life, no matter the duration."
c) I think Valentine's Day is a crock and hope to never succumb to it. I think every day is a good day for flowers, a card declaring our love (eros, philos, or agape) and confections. Well, unless succumbing means I'll be getting another Britney Spears Valentine taped to my college dorm room door with my name spelled wrong on it. Because that Valentine meant the world to me :). I went to Target for the aforementioned baby shower today and the panicked look on the throng of men's faces in front of the V-card section had me baffled about what kind of lovers they were going home to that could incite such fear in their eyes that if they didn't pick the right card, their Lover Card would be revoked and they'd be back on match.com trolling for a date on Saturday night.
d) Speaking of match.com...it's a hoot. You certainly learn a lot about people by what photo they choose to post, what they choose to focus on in the "about me" section and just how sleazy so many people (ok, I'm talking about men--at least the men I've come into contact with there) in our society are, thinking they are the catch o' the town, when really they are sitting in Mom's basement in their underwear watching old episodes of Quantum Leap, obsessively checking to see if the Heidi Klum's of Atlanta have winked at them in the last five minutes. I am by no means a man-hater---but at what point do average-looking, average-acting, average-being Joe's decide that even though they are average, only the supermodel on the street, Martha Stewart in the kitchen, Madonna in the bedroom, and Mary Poppins in the nursery (thanks Millionaire Matchmaker) girls are good enough for them? I realize it's good to have high ideals, but I've run across some serious delusionals--and I have a real problem with the guy that is admittedly 350 pounds (and not the kind of 350 pounds from Strong Man competitions, more like Role Playing Conventions) putting on his profile that he'll only date the body type of "slender" and "toned and athletic."
e) I accepted a position today to be the leader in an event (I can't divulge here b/c it hasn't been made public yet) that has truly changed my life. I don't know how it's going to work out with my current job situation...but are my jobs going to be there for me when I need them? When I need someone to talk to or lean on? When I get old and need someone to hold my hand and listen to my non-sensical stories only old people can tell? No. So we make sacrifices for the things that matter in this life because those are the things that matter. And I'm excited to show this community what it means to be a young Christian adult and what The Church looks like to us.
and for my last conclusion I'll say this:
f) I'm meant to work with music. Today I was iChatting with my musician friend Jon Black. Because I rarely get to see him, he's a welcome diversion to my day-to-day craziness here at the Day Job and I really enjoy what he has to say seeing that as he's a Christian committed to follow his call to be a musician. Now, I must clarify: I have a passion for independent musicians. I especially have a passion for musicians in the "mainstream" read "not Christian" music. You can believe in Jesus and sing about life and hope and the world around you without it being prayer-and-praise and fit for the local Christian radio station. I'm of course not knocking prayer and praise music. I own a lot of it and I really enjoy it. But anyway, back to my point: I would MUCH rather go into clubs that seat 27 (well, because Fat Ralph broke the 28th stool) and listen to someone who's got passion and talent in abundance and haven't yet sold their souls for the Grass Is Greener Recording Contract than hit a big packed stadium where the merch stands don't have heart, people talk through the artist's set and there are more pyrotechnics than actual talent. And at some point, you just can't dance, run around, be THAT sexy and still produce a quality sound. Anyways, back to Jon. The other day he said something I've been pondering over for a while. I'll be honest. I saved the conversation because it really did mean that much. We were talking about life-changing songs and he stated that there have been two Radiohead songs that have made him cry (Fake Plastic Trees because of a life context and Let Down out of sheer beauty in case you were wondering :)). I then made the statement that even though I'm not a musician, not by a long shot, I have definitely made it through many a life lesson with the help and direction of some powerful songs. And then I made the statement that I guess most people can make that same claim. Here's how he responded:
jon: I'd like to agree with "most" people but I don't know if "most" is right.
jon: I think most of our friends have
jon: but I don't know if a majority of the population has ever heard a song that just ripped them apart.
jon: you know.
jon: ?
anna: How sad.
jon: I assume that a lot but when I talk to people about music and songs and the art form I feel sometimes like I'm talking to myself.
anna: you know, you're right.
anna: People don't understand why I'm so passionate about it. Or why at any given free moment I want to be at Eddie's or Smith's or the 10 High--most think it's a social thing, and part of it is. But mostly it's because my life is genuinely changed by songwriters and their craft.
jon: I've been thinking about this lately in relation to everyone's feelings on the dying business model of the record industry.
jon: When I think of the music that's out there and the music that's popular I feel confirmed in my thoughts that not everyone cares like we do.
jon: if they did, they wouldn't listen to the garbage they do.
anna: a la nickelback
jon: exactly
jon: they're selling tons of records but why?
anna: exactly. or how AMAZING the jennifer nettles band was...and how NOT amazing sugarland is.
jon: my elitist first thought is that they're the lowest common denominator and that number is much larger than where we sit.
jon: exactly.
jon: I mean, Sugar Land, in their defense, is much more intelligent that 90% of popular country music.
anna: fair enough. yes.
jon: but I agree - they're stuff isn't really life changing.
jon: the small samples of pain in their songs are glossy and made to seem not that heavy. However, if you ever listen to a Steve Earle song about pain or loneliness you feel it in your gut.
so, below I post the song lyrics to songs that have made me evaluate my life lately. they have made me cry out of sheer parallels to my life or because they are just plain sad and powerful.
[broken places:jon black on the upcoming Goodbye Golden Age]
Lately I feel a lot like giving up
This road that I’m on is filled with twists and bumps
Questions and some coffee
Tears on a midnight drive
Well, it’s hard to have hope when you don’t feel alive
Yeah, it’s hard to have hope when you don’t feel alive
And all these broken places where you find me
On my knees begging for your mercy
I’m an orphan on God’s highway
Gillian, sing me a song
Yeah, sing me a song
My hands are on the wheel
My mind it wanders free
Time with the world is not too big to see
Traffic signs and truck stops
A wanderers paradise
Yeah, I guess we all have something to find
Yeah, I guess we all have something to find
And all these broken places where you find me
On my knees begging for your mercy
I’m an orphan on God’s highway
Gillian, sing me a song
Yeah, sing me a song
[gillian is gillian welch. she'll rip your heart out and you'll thank her for it.]
[Questions by Jason Harwell on The Broken Headphones EP]
In the daylight I've been running myself into the ground as if there is some honor in wearing myself out
Always weary for the future and praying for the faith that could move this foolish mountain and calm an angry wave
My father told me "Son, there is both in every man the measure of the goodness is the measure of the bad."
The thought begins to linger in my point of view, I'd like to think I've played the angel, but I've been the devil too.
You will meet me in the heavens if I grow the wings
You will meet me in the depths if that is where I choose to sleep
You have seen what lives inside me, you know my nervous thoughts
My heart is full of questions, will the answers ever come?
Will I ever grow the wings?
Would you meet me in the depths where I choose to stay?
Will I ever grow the wings?
Would you meet me in the depths where I choose to sleep?
Will I grow the wings?
Would you meet me in the depths where I choose to sleep?
[Lonely Anywhere by the everybodyfields on their album Nothing is Okay]
I'm sorry
You're angry
Good night and good bye
But we need to
Keep looking into each other's eyes
Even though it hurts to see the ones you love but can't help despise
Start writing
Make a list of your plans for the year
And send me a little note in the mail
When my name appears
On your list of things to do
If you ever can see past you
I'll keep some days clear
And I can be lonely here
Yes, I can be lonely anywhere
And I can be lonely here
And I can be
Lonely
I walk in
You walk out
Of the rooms
Everywhere
I'm talking
You're looking through me
With a blank stare
And I
Can't help but ask
If today would be my last
Would you care?
And I can be lonely here
I can be lonely anywhere
Yes I can be lonely here
And I can be
Lonely
[Calmer of the Storm by Downhere on their self-titled album]
When everything is wrong
The day has passed and nothing's done
When the whole world seems against me
When I'm rolling in my bed
There's a storm in my head
I'm afraid of sinking in despair
Teach me Lord to have faith in what you're bringing me
Will change my life and bring you glory
There on the storm I am learning
To let go of the will I so long to control
There may I be in your arms eternally
I thank you Lord, you are the calmer of the storm
You rebuke the winds and the waves
Once again I am amazed
The power of your will
Cause I am a child of little faith
I feel the wind and forget your grace
and You say Peace, Be Still
Teach me Lord to have faith in what you're bringing me
Will change my life and bring you glory
There on the storm I am learning to let go
Of the will that I so long to control
There may I be in your arms eternally
I thank you Lord, you are the calmer of the storm
Oh when the torment blows
The middle of the sea
May I never trust
Never trust in me
There in your arms I find
No tragedy
There on the storm I am learning to let go
The white waves high
it's crashing o'er the deck
and I don't know where to go
Where are you Lord?
Is this ship going down?
The mast is gone so throw the anchor
Should I jump and try to swim to land?
There on the storm teach me God to understand
Of you will that I just cannot control
There may I see all your love protecting me
I thank you Lord, you are the calmer of the storm
[Never Let Go by Matt Redman on Passion: Everything Glorious]
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death
Your perfect love is casting out fear
And even when I'm caught in the middle of the storms of this life
I won't turn back, I know you are near
I will fear no evil
For my God is with me
And if my God is with me, whom then shall I fear?
Oh no, you never let go
Through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, you never let go
Every high and every low
Oh no, you never let go
Lord, you never let go of me
I can see the light that is coming for a heart that holds on
A glorious light beyond all compare
There will be an end to these troubles but until that day comes
We'll live to know you here on the earth
I will fear no evil
For my God is with me
And if my God is with me, whom then shall I fear?
Whom then shall I fear?
Oh no, you never let go
Through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, you never let go
Every high and every low
Oh no, you never let go
Lord, you never let go of me
You keep on lovin' and you never let go
Oh no, you never let go
Through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, you never let go
Every high and every low
Oh no, you never let go
Lord, you never let go of me
Yes, I can see the light that is coming for the heart that holds on
There will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
I will praise you, still I will praise you
I can see the light
I can see the light that is coming for the heart that holds on
There will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
Still I will praise you, still I will praise you
Oh no, you never let go
Through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, you never let go
Every high and every low
Oh no, you never let go
Lord, you never let go of me
So strong, so wise, so loving God
Oh no, you never let go
Through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, you never let go
Every high and every low
Oh no, you never let go
Lord, you never let go of me
Lord, you never let go of me
[Leave by The Swell Season]
"I can't wait forever," is all that you said before you stood up
You won't disappoint me, I can do that myself
But I'm glad that you've come
Now if you don't mind leave, leave
Free yourself at the same time leave, leave
I don't understand, you've already gone
I hope you feel better now that it's out
What took you so long?
And the truth has the habit of falling out of your mouth,
Well now that it's come
If you don't mind, leave leave
And please yourself at the same time
Leave, leave
Let go of my hand
You said what you came to now
Leave, leave let go of my hand
You said what you have to
Now leave, leave
Oh oh leave
Leave
Let go of my hand, you said what you have'ta
Now leave, leave
La da da da oh oh oh
La da-aah da
Oh
Go
Go
Today is a day of revelations. Not all of them are monumental, but they certainly all click. I sit here in my cube pondering life’s immediate mysteries: what am I to do with my life? What am I truly passionate about? Is it going to snow tonight? How do the people I hold so dear and ever-so-slightly on a pedestal think of me while they’re riding down the road?
And I’ve come to these conclusions:
a) I love actual printed photographs and I won’t again wait over a year to get them printed.
b) I really enjoyed and relished in shopping for a college friend’s baby shower today. She and I were never truly close, but we’ve had our electric moments of hatred and love and we've tried to keep up during the post-collegiate years. I really wish the best for her and her baby. I started to think if I were in that situation, being a twenty-something rapidly approaching motherhood as a single woman and I don't know how I'd do it. But that's certainly not to say it can't be done and I wish her the best. And the gadgetry surrounding baby-dom is mind-boggling and quite disorienting. But I had fun nonetheless and hopefully I can be included in her circle to call if she ever needs anything. I am briskly finding my home in the thought life that we all need each other. Friends, true heart companions, are a family that is as strong, if not stronger, than blood ties. And I totally know I sound like a Hallmark commercial there, but I mean it.
And speaking of cheesy commercials, has anyone seen that Publix commercial with the young woman teaching kids how to make cupcakes and they then conspire to spell out on the cupcakes that she should look outside and there's a guy out there with flowers and a jewelry box? I mean seriously, I've never wanted to buy Publix eggs and go back to elementary school more in my life. Ok, back to friendship.
There are friends you make that last for a lifetime, and some for only a little bit. But don't lessen the short-lived ones or pass them off as not being as meaningful. I recently went through a friend break-up of sorts and I can honestly say, I wouldn't take back those years for anything. And I certainly wouldn't take back the year's (ok, more than a year) anguish that that break-up caused. It taught me a lot and perhaps that's what the whole friendship was about: taking each other through that crazy, amazing, scary, life-basis known as high school; growing in different directions yet still being family to each other; introducing them to their future spouse and realizing that's the end of things. And being able to walk out of that saying, "Man, I am blessed for having that relationship in my life, no matter the duration."
c) I think Valentine's Day is a crock and hope to never succumb to it. I think every day is a good day for flowers, a card declaring our love (eros, philos, or agape) and confections. Well, unless succumbing means I'll be getting another Britney Spears Valentine taped to my college dorm room door with my name spelled wrong on it. Because that Valentine meant the world to me :). I went to Target for the aforementioned baby shower today and the panicked look on the throng of men's faces in front of the V-card section had me baffled about what kind of lovers they were going home to that could incite such fear in their eyes that if they didn't pick the right card, their Lover Card would be revoked and they'd be back on match.com trolling for a date on Saturday night.
d) Speaking of match.com...it's a hoot. You certainly learn a lot about people by what photo they choose to post, what they choose to focus on in the "about me" section and just how sleazy so many people (ok, I'm talking about men--at least the men I've come into contact with there) in our society are, thinking they are the catch o' the town, when really they are sitting in Mom's basement in their underwear watching old episodes of Quantum Leap, obsessively checking to see if the Heidi Klum's of Atlanta have winked at them in the last five minutes. I am by no means a man-hater---but at what point do average-looking, average-acting, average-being Joe's decide that even though they are average, only the supermodel on the street, Martha Stewart in the kitchen, Madonna in the bedroom, and Mary Poppins in the nursery (thanks Millionaire Matchmaker) girls are good enough for them? I realize it's good to have high ideals, but I've run across some serious delusionals--and I have a real problem with the guy that is admittedly 350 pounds (and not the kind of 350 pounds from Strong Man competitions, more like Role Playing Conventions) putting on his profile that he'll only date the body type of "slender" and "toned and athletic."
e) I accepted a position today to be the leader in an event (I can't divulge here b/c it hasn't been made public yet) that has truly changed my life. I don't know how it's going to work out with my current job situation...but are my jobs going to be there for me when I need them? When I need someone to talk to or lean on? When I get old and need someone to hold my hand and listen to my non-sensical stories only old people can tell? No. So we make sacrifices for the things that matter in this life because those are the things that matter. And I'm excited to show this community what it means to be a young Christian adult and what The Church looks like to us.
and for my last conclusion I'll say this:
f) I'm meant to work with music. Today I was iChatting with my musician friend Jon Black. Because I rarely get to see him, he's a welcome diversion to my day-to-day craziness here at the Day Job and I really enjoy what he has to say seeing that as he's a Christian committed to follow his call to be a musician. Now, I must clarify: I have a passion for independent musicians. I especially have a passion for musicians in the "mainstream" read "not Christian" music. You can believe in Jesus and sing about life and hope and the world around you without it being prayer-and-praise and fit for the local Christian radio station. I'm of course not knocking prayer and praise music. I own a lot of it and I really enjoy it. But anyway, back to my point: I would MUCH rather go into clubs that seat 27 (well, because Fat Ralph broke the 28th stool) and listen to someone who's got passion and talent in abundance and haven't yet sold their souls for the Grass Is Greener Recording Contract than hit a big packed stadium where the merch stands don't have heart, people talk through the artist's set and there are more pyrotechnics than actual talent. And at some point, you just can't dance, run around, be THAT sexy and still produce a quality sound. Anyways, back to Jon. The other day he said something I've been pondering over for a while. I'll be honest. I saved the conversation because it really did mean that much. We were talking about life-changing songs and he stated that there have been two Radiohead songs that have made him cry (Fake Plastic Trees because of a life context and Let Down out of sheer beauty in case you were wondering :)). I then made the statement that even though I'm not a musician, not by a long shot, I have definitely made it through many a life lesson with the help and direction of some powerful songs. And then I made the statement that I guess most people can make that same claim. Here's how he responded:
jon: I'd like to agree with "most" people but I don't know if "most" is right.
jon: I think most of our friends have
jon: but I don't know if a majority of the population has ever heard a song that just ripped them apart.
jon: you know.
jon: ?
anna: How sad.
jon: I assume that a lot but when I talk to people about music and songs and the art form I feel sometimes like I'm talking to myself.
anna: you know, you're right.
anna: People don't understand why I'm so passionate about it. Or why at any given free moment I want to be at Eddie's or Smith's or the 10 High--most think it's a social thing, and part of it is. But mostly it's because my life is genuinely changed by songwriters and their craft.
jon: I've been thinking about this lately in relation to everyone's feelings on the dying business model of the record industry.
jon: When I think of the music that's out there and the music that's popular I feel confirmed in my thoughts that not everyone cares like we do.
jon: if they did, they wouldn't listen to the garbage they do.
anna: a la nickelback
jon: exactly
jon: they're selling tons of records but why?
anna: exactly. or how AMAZING the jennifer nettles band was...and how NOT amazing sugarland is.
jon: my elitist first thought is that they're the lowest common denominator and that number is much larger than where we sit.
jon: exactly.
jon: I mean, Sugar Land, in their defense, is much more intelligent that 90% of popular country music.
anna: fair enough. yes.
jon: but I agree - they're stuff isn't really life changing.
jon: the small samples of pain in their songs are glossy and made to seem not that heavy. However, if you ever listen to a Steve Earle song about pain or loneliness you feel it in your gut.
so, below I post the song lyrics to songs that have made me evaluate my life lately. they have made me cry out of sheer parallels to my life or because they are just plain sad and powerful.
[broken places:jon black on the upcoming Goodbye Golden Age]
Lately I feel a lot like giving up
This road that I’m on is filled with twists and bumps
Questions and some coffee
Tears on a midnight drive
Well, it’s hard to have hope when you don’t feel alive
Yeah, it’s hard to have hope when you don’t feel alive
And all these broken places where you find me
On my knees begging for your mercy
I’m an orphan on God’s highway
Gillian, sing me a song
Yeah, sing me a song
My hands are on the wheel
My mind it wanders free
Time with the world is not too big to see
Traffic signs and truck stops
A wanderers paradise
Yeah, I guess we all have something to find
Yeah, I guess we all have something to find
And all these broken places where you find me
On my knees begging for your mercy
I’m an orphan on God’s highway
Gillian, sing me a song
Yeah, sing me a song
[gillian is gillian welch. she'll rip your heart out and you'll thank her for it.]
[Questions by Jason Harwell on The Broken Headphones EP]
In the daylight I've been running myself into the ground as if there is some honor in wearing myself out
Always weary for the future and praying for the faith that could move this foolish mountain and calm an angry wave
My father told me "Son, there is both in every man the measure of the goodness is the measure of the bad."
The thought begins to linger in my point of view, I'd like to think I've played the angel, but I've been the devil too.
You will meet me in the heavens if I grow the wings
You will meet me in the depths if that is where I choose to sleep
You have seen what lives inside me, you know my nervous thoughts
My heart is full of questions, will the answers ever come?
Will I ever grow the wings?
Would you meet me in the depths where I choose to stay?
Will I ever grow the wings?
Would you meet me in the depths where I choose to sleep?
Will I grow the wings?
Would you meet me in the depths where I choose to sleep?
[Lonely Anywhere by the everybodyfields on their album Nothing is Okay]
I'm sorry
You're angry
Good night and good bye
But we need to
Keep looking into each other's eyes
Even though it hurts to see the ones you love but can't help despise
Start writing
Make a list of your plans for the year
And send me a little note in the mail
When my name appears
On your list of things to do
If you ever can see past you
I'll keep some days clear
And I can be lonely here
Yes, I can be lonely anywhere
And I can be lonely here
And I can be
Lonely
I walk in
You walk out
Of the rooms
Everywhere
I'm talking
You're looking through me
With a blank stare
And I
Can't help but ask
If today would be my last
Would you care?
And I can be lonely here
I can be lonely anywhere
Yes I can be lonely here
And I can be
Lonely
[Calmer of the Storm by Downhere on their self-titled album]
When everything is wrong
The day has passed and nothing's done
When the whole world seems against me
When I'm rolling in my bed
There's a storm in my head
I'm afraid of sinking in despair
Teach me Lord to have faith in what you're bringing me
Will change my life and bring you glory
There on the storm I am learning
To let go of the will I so long to control
There may I be in your arms eternally
I thank you Lord, you are the calmer of the storm
You rebuke the winds and the waves
Once again I am amazed
The power of your will
Cause I am a child of little faith
I feel the wind and forget your grace
and You say Peace, Be Still
Teach me Lord to have faith in what you're bringing me
Will change my life and bring you glory
There on the storm I am learning to let go
Of the will that I so long to control
There may I be in your arms eternally
I thank you Lord, you are the calmer of the storm
Oh when the torment blows
The middle of the sea
May I never trust
Never trust in me
There in your arms I find
No tragedy
There on the storm I am learning to let go
The white waves high
it's crashing o'er the deck
and I don't know where to go
Where are you Lord?
Is this ship going down?
The mast is gone so throw the anchor
Should I jump and try to swim to land?
There on the storm teach me God to understand
Of you will that I just cannot control
There may I see all your love protecting me
I thank you Lord, you are the calmer of the storm
[Never Let Go by Matt Redman on Passion: Everything Glorious]
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death
Your perfect love is casting out fear
And even when I'm caught in the middle of the storms of this life
I won't turn back, I know you are near
I will fear no evil
For my God is with me
And if my God is with me, whom then shall I fear?
Oh no, you never let go
Through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, you never let go
Every high and every low
Oh no, you never let go
Lord, you never let go of me
I can see the light that is coming for a heart that holds on
A glorious light beyond all compare
There will be an end to these troubles but until that day comes
We'll live to know you here on the earth
I will fear no evil
For my God is with me
And if my God is with me, whom then shall I fear?
Whom then shall I fear?
Oh no, you never let go
Through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, you never let go
Every high and every low
Oh no, you never let go
Lord, you never let go of me
You keep on lovin' and you never let go
Oh no, you never let go
Through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, you never let go
Every high and every low
Oh no, you never let go
Lord, you never let go of me
Yes, I can see the light that is coming for the heart that holds on
There will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
I will praise you, still I will praise you
I can see the light
I can see the light that is coming for the heart that holds on
There will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
Still I will praise you, still I will praise you
Oh no, you never let go
Through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, you never let go
Every high and every low
Oh no, you never let go
Lord, you never let go of me
So strong, so wise, so loving God
Oh no, you never let go
Through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, you never let go
Every high and every low
Oh no, you never let go
Lord, you never let go of me
Lord, you never let go of me
[Leave by The Swell Season]
"I can't wait forever," is all that you said before you stood up
You won't disappoint me, I can do that myself
But I'm glad that you've come
Now if you don't mind leave, leave
Free yourself at the same time leave, leave
I don't understand, you've already gone
I hope you feel better now that it's out
What took you so long?
And the truth has the habit of falling out of your mouth,
Well now that it's come
If you don't mind, leave leave
And please yourself at the same time
Leave, leave
Let go of my hand
You said what you came to now
Leave, leave let go of my hand
You said what you have to
Now leave, leave
Oh oh leave
Leave
Let go of my hand, you said what you have'ta
Now leave, leave
La da da da oh oh oh
La da-aah da
Oh
Go
Go
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)