Thump-thump-thump-a-roo

05.01.11

What a day indeed. I went to church (that's two Sundays in a row if you're counting). It was truly and very much amazing. My soul was nourished. I sat in awe. I sat thinking to myself, "Why did you ever leave this place, your home? Why would you ever decide to turn your back on God?" I didn't have an answer for myself.

But as I sat next to my oft-estranged dad and next to a very good and long-time, very supportive lesbian friend I felt at Home. I felt at Peace. I felt like my prayers were being heard. I was able to pray for others instead of just for myself. I was able to joyfully take communion and pray at the alter. I like this new leaf and I shall nourish it. My God is with me wherever I go. He loves me no matter what. He didn't wait for me to apologize for being gone so long...he ran from the porch as soon as he saw me in the distance. He hugged me before I could utter a word. He offered me His fattened calf. I shall not run away any time soon. 

It's only on week 2, but I love having my dad back in my life. We've had a rocky past, sure--but we have a glorious future. A future where I can feel like I'm a part of a family--the family I've always longed for is one I already belong to. 

Also, tonight at work a coworker called and asked if we had heard the news. What news? I asked--seeing that as all I had heard that evening included gluten intolerances and how we have new S'mores frozen ice cream sandwiches (ah-mazing, BTW). The news that Osama bin Laden is dead. No, we hadn't heard. And I shall say that I feel very detached from the whole situation. So that is all I will touch on for now.

Back to the excitement. Thumper apologized earlier in the week about her hectic schedule--she said she's literally booked until the middle of July. And honey, oh do I get it. I am usually the one with the irregular and crazy schedule that others can't deal with. So, I told her not to worry and to pencil me in for July 16th. Cute, right?

Before I go any further, I would like to document here and now: I feel no apprehension when I think of her. Am I saying I'm a lesbian? No. Am I saying I'm going to not pursue this? Definitely not. I am open to any paths that God may lead me to. Don't think God would lead me to this? Then we have different relationships with our God. I've been chasing men my entire life. I've been trying to earn love and acceptance. I've only ever gotten defeated and heartbroken. I dedicated SIX WHOLE YEARS of my life to a man who not-so-clearly didn't want me. I even sat at his wedding (obviously to someone else) and felt blessed that he would allow me to be there. What? Such a victim I am to my own crazy heart! 

But this isn't about me being a woman who has been so hurt by men that she's turned to women. Not at all. I have always been attracted to girls. Ellie (not her name) and I kissed in her bedroom when we were like 7--like, KISS kissed. I kissed a girl during a drama sleep over (to be fair, that was the same sleepover where I may or may not have fondled a boy--at his urging). I very, very much wanted to kiss my best friend in high school. So much so that one night after I dropped her off at her house, she immediately emailed me and told me that she could tell I wanted to kiss her--but she didn't want our friendship to get weird. Nope, that would come many years later and it didn't have anything to do with lesbian issues at all.

Back to Thumper...I see her picture and my heart twinges. Like, her smile makes me feel like I need to be wherever it is. We've had a lot of missed communication over the past week and I started to get pretty frustrated that maybe she really wasn't into me--and where the hell do I go from here? I'm not attracted to EVERY girl...I'm not ready to cruise dive dyke bars...I don't want just any girl. But then I am comforted to know I'm the same me! I don't cruise ANY bars. I don't need to chase ANYone, regardless of gender. I told me Lesbian Advisor (LA for short--and the one I sat next to in church today), that pursuing this relationship at this point in my life is very freeing. I feel like I don't have to fit into any stereotypes or be or do things a certain way...I am who I am and I like who I like and that's ok. That's all it needs to be. How so very freeing. I can still love romantic comedies and my depressing singer-songwriters. I don't have to buzz-cut my hair NOR do I have to know every lyric to the Indigo Girls or Melissa Etheridge. I am who I am. I am a child of God. I seek a permanent relationship. I seek mutual love, respect, understanding and commitment. I'm not a one-night stand girl regardless of the partner. I'm not a casual dater, regardless of where it's with a "him" or a "her." 

And that lightens my heart. And yes, I really did tell my (slightly redneck) sister about my girl crush--pretty much just to shock her. We're 9 years apart, have never been close, and have only recently (since our mom's illness) started to act like sisters. We text. We email. I've gone to visit them (her family) a couple of times (they live about 75 miles away). I wrote her a very frank and very honest email the first time BBM propositioned me entitled "Sisterly Advice Needed." And she wrote back the sweetest and most honest email. Again, I HAVE the family I've always craved...I just never fostered what I had--instead I lusted after what I thought I wanted.

So when I told her, very briefly via text, about my Thumper--all she said was, "I just want you to be happy. I don't care who it's with or if it's with anyone at all. Do what you think is right and your happiness will follow." That stopped me in my tracks. This open-mindedness coming from MY sister? My sister who met her husband while she was working at a fast-food drive through? My sister who lives in a small Southern town? My sister who is married to (an amazingly sweet and kind-hearted) man who calls Mexicans "Enchilados"? I'm still amazed by it all. 

Thank you God for giving me the family I always wanted...and they really are my family. They are the ones that will help me pick up my pieces and move on. They are the ones that will be by my side always. No strings, no conditions. You are too good to me. I am humbled at your Grace and Mercy. Thank you God for reuniting me with my dad. I didn't realize what a big piece of my heart was frozen in his absence. Thank you God for my friends that are my family too. Thank you for every single one of them that has heard about this girl that intrigues me...and they have truly be unfazed. Not one has skipped a beat. Who I love doesn't matter to them...they just want me to love. Thank you Lord for loving me even though I screw up every day. Some days every minute. Thank you for letting me start again. And again. And again. You, indeed, are VERY mysterious--but a good God indeed.

Back to Thumper. After not hearing from her since Thursday or so...I got this email today:
Just thought you would like to know I am going to see Spelling Bee [part of my profile goes into depth about my over-indulged pride of being the state spelling bee champion TWICE in high school] and it made me think of you. 

Sorry I'm so crazy busy. 

Thump

My response:

Have a great Sunday afternoon. Hopefully you're taking some time for yourself.

And Thump, I've always been the one with the crazy schedule and no one could ever hang around to wait on me because they didn't understand how I couldn't automatically make time for them right then.

So, I'm going to be the person I always wished would find me: I'll wait.

I wish you well and I look forward to hearing from you again soon.

Peace, me


And I mean it. So, I got a gchat around 9:30:
Her: So stranger, this is probably just another message in passing, but I thought I would say HI! [Note, I very much enjoy the all caps and exclamation.]
Me: Hi! How was Spelling Bee?
Her: Really great. Had dinner with friends, knew people in the cast. Got to see a theatre show without a headset on. It was fantastic!
Me: Ooo, fancy lady! How nice.
Her: How have you been?
(while I was typing) Her: I hate to do this...but...send me an email? Catch me up on your week. Share some more about you with me. I have a conference call in 10 min and am headed to bed after that. I SO want to know more!




As I retype that I get a tightness in my stomach and my eyes water...someone wants to hear from ME. Like, wants to hear about my week. Wants to know more about ME. Someone wants to know more. 


No one has ever wanted to know more about me before. Well, there was that 2 week mistake known as Tallahassee--but chalk that up to, well, stupidity, and we shall move on.


See...when writing to Tallahassee, I felt like I always had to impress him. Perform to make sure he noticed how smart I am, or cultured, or forward thinking. And you know what? I'm tired of feeling like a show piece. That I have to show all my best parts to trick someone into liking me enough that they'd put up with my not-best parts too.


So, I shall hit "publish post" now and start writing Thumper about the rest of my week. And maybe I'll share some more of the fabulous me (good and bad) with the sweet-smiling her.


(Yes, I overshare. I copy and paste large swathes of email and information...but it's my blog. I write this for me. Do I want to keep my friends overly updated? You betcha. But I'm writing this for me to remember. I'm writing this for me to sort things out--and sorting, to me, means lots and lots of words.)