And it is finished

This continual getting my hopes up and then getting letting down again is officially old. I think I'm just going to be single and asexual and just keep living my life as a gay man. At least those gays don't stomp all over me.

Email subject: Thinkin', hopin', and wishin'...

So, I've been quite lost in thought about our gchat conversation on Monday. 

I totally get that things are crazy and sometimes shitty for you right now. But I just don't think I can sign on for all the "maybe" you threw my way. 

I too work two full-time jobs, yet I could make time for some dates, some face-to-face investments. I realize your hours are more non-traditional than mine...but I just can't wait a month to meet you and three months to possibly date you...and then another three months to be your girlfriend.

In five months from tomorrow I'll be 30. I want to have something good going. I want to have someone by my side to celebrate with me. I want to BE with someone...not hoping that you might be able to squeeze me in. And scheduling aside--my feelings were really hurt this weekend when all I wanted to do was be thoughtful and romantic and just simply bring you flowers on a weekend that I knew was going to be tough for you--and your response, before you even knew what I wanted to do, was "Don't. It'll make my life hell." 

I just don't think it's healthy to be living and working with someone that wants to make your life hell for any reason. Your life is hellish in its own right and no one should be adding to that. I understand why you moved in with her. I really do. I can't imagine the dose of trauma that was dealt you in August. It's horrendous...but I can't compete with a woman that is still so fully entrenched in your life. 

I realize I'm new to this lesbian life...but I want more. I deserve more. I want someone who can't wait to spend time with me. I want someone who will be the first to contact me every once in a while. I want romance...and yes, friendship is part of that--but I can't start as a friend that's being kept at arm's length, a friend that isn't allowed close, and a friend that can't bring flowers to a girl she has a crush on just because how an ex-girlfriend will respond.

So if things calm down for you soon, please give me a call. I think you're hilarious...you made tears come to my eyes the one night we were able to talk because I was laughing so hard. You're beautiful and I think there could really be something between us--but I just need more of a commitment than "maybe." 

If you ever need or want to talk--you know where to find me. I really and honestly with my whole heart wish you the best and hope you find some peace and whatever it is that you're looking for. 

With much gravity and a bit of sadness, 

A

Well, in other news--I did five loads of MUCH needed laundry tonight at my favorite neighborhood Laundromat and my gay dad is coming over to my place to help me pull some decorating things together tomorrow night before my house guests arrive next Thursday evening. Here's to hoping tomorrow is better than I feel right now! :)