As I've previously stated, I sleep horribly. Well, last night I spent a very, very stormy evening with friends--a drink was imbibed, tacos were eaten and it was a lovely time indeed.
So, I got home--tried to watch a movie, got 45 minutes into it and decided it was time to sleep. I took a sleeping pill that had previously not worked out for me--but it worked last night! I slept from 10:30 until 6:30. EIGHT HOURS! Woo! So, this morning I feel refreshed and ready for a dreary, overcast Friday.
I woke up to a gchat message (how Thumper and I communicate primarily), "You took your profile down?" Umm, I haven't heard from her since Sunday and today is Friday. That's a long time in "dating limbo" land--well, it's a long time for me.
She asked why--I told her that I'm just tired of being online, tired of putting myself out there and clearly I'm not what the Internet dating world is looking for. She took it personally--and now we're in the middle of this weird and heated discussion.
I am, however, for the first time ever standing up for what I WANT out of this relationship. She's got some shitty circumstances right now. I totally get that...but if there isn't room for me, then I want out. I have plenty of friends--I don't need someone else to use me as an emotional crutch and then move on to romance with someone else. Been there and have done that for years. It's not a habit I wish to get back into.
I told her what I want: a relationship. She said she told me she can't give that to me until July. I said, fine, call me in July. And she acted offended, "So written off until then?" And that set me off, which I shall reenact here:
I don't know what else to do. I'm interested, clearly. But you said you don't have time to invest in me until July. You're mad when I don't text, yet when I do I don't always get a response. So, what do YOU want?
Her: Wow, I was just asking for clarification. I am at work and I'm busy now. Can't talk.
Me: For once, I'm standing up for what I want. I want a relationship. If that's what we're working toward, great. If not, then yeah, we should probably stop talking. I know you need friends and family right now and I feel for you. I do. But I have to watch out for me too. See, I give and give--it's who I am. But I typically give and then people feel nourished and move on. And that leaves me in the dust. So please take what I need into account too. If you feel like I need too much, then tell me and we can go our separate ways. If you decide in July you'd like to date, then by all means please call.
And I left it at that. She told me earlier this morning this exact thing: "Yes, you are a possibility. I can't promise anything though. I can't tell you that we will date. I kind feel like you already expect to be my girlfriend." I responded that yeah, she's probably right.
I shall NOT be strung along by someone who can't promise anything and won't even say she wants to date me.
Mark me being bad at dating women off the list now too. I don't know who is left--now that men and women are off the list.
Cat ownership, here I come!
:) I'm actually ok with all of this. Really. I'm at peace for pulling the plug on all this dating crap. I can focus on things that won't leave me perpetually thirsty.
And cuteness of cute, my mom called yesterday and said, "Can we go to New York for my 65th birthday?" That's next March--and I said of course! I said, "What do you want to do when we go?" Her only response: The Today Show.
That's all she wants to do. No Broadway shows, no site-seeing. She wants to go to Rockerfeller Square and stand outside all morning to be seen at The Today Show--and I couldn't want that more for her if I tried. So, friends, it looks like I'm going to NYC in March next year.
1 comment:
I can say beyond a shadow of a doubt that when I decided that I needed to be more mindful of me in this whole dating garbage and less concerned with appealing to and appeasing everyone else, I got this strange, empowered, independent, satisfied and okay with being Single Melanie feeling that I'd never had before. It was like I finally stepped into my own shoes and was true to myself. And as scary as the thought of throwing in the towel and embracing "relationship-less" was, I've never been busier or more surrounded by people in my life who are all seeking out MY company. So, romantically or not, there's something attractive about being true to who YOU are and valuing yourself. We'll see if it pays off in the relationship department too. You know the old "It'll happen when you least expect it" nonsense might actually hold water. We'll see. ;)
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