Oh where to start...

Let's do this in bullet form:

• Friday 04.22.11: BBM told me he didn't want to be a bother to me anymore and that his ploy to be my friend was really to reel me into him. I thought that was super cute. So after Fireproof, the Kirk Cameron/Jesus hit (I say this in sarcasm, but I own the damn thing, so that should speak volumes about me).
• Late that evening I told him that I wanted to be reeled in by him and he is not a bother.
• I don't remember what else happened. I slept in until noon (thanks Tylenol PM) and worked that night.
• Sunday was Easter. I dressed myself up, went to church--had an amazing worship time and have decided to actually go on a regular basis. Then we (my gay posse that then included my gay dad who goes to said church) had Easter lunch at the church. It was lovely!
• THEN we went to this Easter tradition in Gaylanta: Easter Drag Races. It has to do with drag queens, silly games, and lots of Easter bonnets. And a blue vodka drink. Friends: don't ever drink blue vodka drinks. They are dangerous.
• I got ridiculously drunk. I mean, parts of the evening are hazy drunk. Stumbling around and slightly unable to control my motor skills drunk.
• During this drinking binge I texted BBM. Very, very, very naughty and X-rated things. He was very polite, told me that I shouldn't be thinking or speaking of such things...but later in the evening I apparently went too far. I received this text message: "No. Not into games. You're a tease and you get off by it...not cool! Please refrain from contacting me. I am not into your little games."
• Amazing, right? I AM a tease and it was inexcusable. Being drunk is no excuse, but still. I am out of control.
• Finally, late last night (Monday, 04.28.11) I just felt so bad that I sent him this: "I know you don't want to hear from me, and you're totally right. I'm 300% sorry. I'm embarrassed and you deserve so much more. I'm so sorry." [Sidenote: as I read this a full week later--the wee hours of May 2, 2011--why does he deserve more? He just wanted to use me for sex. I was using him, via text message, for the same thing. I worry about my self-worth compass sometimes.]
• 5 AM this morning BBM: "It's not that I don't want to hear from you. Just not about sex. If friendship is capable, it's cool, but sex does not need to be brought up." What in the world? Yeah, after you've sent me pictures of certain parts of your anatomy, "just friends" has to be thrown out the window. I'm sorry, but it's true. You can't go back after seeing a big black penis no matter what anyone tells you. I prefer not to see any of my friends' reproductive organs. It's just a thing I have.
• Yesterday I was on one of my many online dating sites, checking emails and the like, and just out of curiosity clicked during a search field instead of "Guys looking for girls" I chose "Girls looking for girls." I've always been just a little bit interested in girls...I doubt that's the most shocking thing you've ever heard about me (especially after the King of Miami). Girls understand me. They're soft.
• I especially like butch lesbians...the flannel, the Chuck Taylors, the fauxhawk...all of it.
• I came across a profile of a 26-year-old lesbian who lives here in the ATL. She's a drama techie--like, she works with a local theater and does all their technical work. She also works at a locally owned/founded home improvement store (do I love that? Why yes, yes I do.).
• She caught my attention. She caught my eye. So I saved her to my favorites. And then had to go to work at the NGS.
• I got home and saw that she had added me to her favorites too. I decided that I should write and introduce myself. Here is what I wrote: 

Apr 26, 2011 – 12:49am
Ok...where to start. Am I straight identified? Yes. Have I always been intrigued and attracted to women yet never acted on it? Yes.
Did your profile make me stop in my tracks and want to know more? Yes indeedy. I love your sweet pictures...and if you'd be so kind, I'd like to know more.
I hope you're ridiculously well this fine rainy evening.
--Anna
(more like Ah-nah, and less like Anne-uh)

Apr 26, 2011 – 4:52am
I will be truthful and admit that I thought long and hard about saying "Thank you I'm flattered but not interested" after this email. However, I find your profile tempting. So, here we are.
Straight identified but intrigued is normally a broken heart death wish for gay girls so please understand my original hesitation.
Thank you for the compliment. I noticed that we seem to have a lot of the same outlook via the match questions.
I, also, looked through your pictures and think you are quite beautiful.
What more would you like to know? I am very much an open book.
I was sleeping when you wrote this and am actually walking out the door to work now, so forgive me if it is the least flattering depiction of my grammar and charm. 4 hours sleep is riding me this morning. Blech.
In better news... There might be a nap in my future today.
Hope to hear from you soon.
Thumper (obviously not her name...but Thumper the rabbit was adorable, and she makes my heart thump around--cute, right?)
(insert her cute joke about the spelling of her name kind of like how I signed my first email)

Apr 26, 2011 – 7:15am
Four hours sleep, hmm? I am right there with you. And I am very, very sorry that you have to be anywhere for work at 4:52 AM. That is still nighttime in my opinion. I have a little friend that we like to call Insomnia...so to bed I went at 1:30 and wide awake at 5:30. Awesomesauce. It's given me the chance to get a lovely email (pssstt, that's you) and listen to the entire Morning Edition lineup on NPR. Will I regret all this free time this morning around 3 PM? Why yes, yes I will. Especially since I have to work both my jobs today--this silly thing we call being "responsible adults" is quite a bit overrated. :)
I very much appreciate you giving me a shot...I honestly didn't think you would. And I totally would have understood if you hadn't. "Broken heart death wish" is something I understand well. It's not just for gay girls...and I get it that all signs point to that I could be trouble. And I still could be trouble--but I don't think for the reasons you're thinking. I'm a good kind of trouble, I promise.
Now, let me establish my gay street cred. I live my life as a gay man. I only go to gay bars, I only spend my social time around gay functions and the LGBT community has strong ties to my heart. My dad is gay and I work for the Southeast's largest AIDS service organization and you guessed it--most of my coworkers are gay. I haven't dated a boy (or anyone, for that matter) since high school [I left out my most recent assignation with BBM and King of Miami--those are conversations to have face-to-face, or never. Whatever.]--and even then it wasn't "dating", it was really just making out at Drama Club functions. Those are the same functions where I was known to kiss a girl too. Also, I'm fairly certain my mom is convinced I'm a lesbian anyway...and I'm ok with that. Sorry if it sounds like I'm trying too hard...I AM operating on only 4 hours of sleep after all.
I am very much jealous of this "nap" thing of which you speak. I hope it works out for you. Not all of us should be burdened with lack-of-sleep craziness.
And as to the "more" that I requested...really, everything would suffice. What's your story? What makes you tick? What are you passionate about? Have you had any success with this online dating thing? What are you looking for in love?
I very much believe in God and I think He's kept me single this long for a reason. I have a lot of love to give and He didn't want me to waste my heart on people that wouldn't take proper care of it and me. I believe in working hard to foster love and respect. I believe in monogamy and commitment. I believe in romance--whispered sweet nothings, acts of random kindness, and supporting each other's dreams as we work to make them happen for each other.
Clearly I have the gift of the gab and could write forever. But I shan't.
Thumper, I hope you have a fantastic Tuesday and I would be lying if I said I'm not hoping to hear back from you soon.
:)--me

Apr 26, 2011 – 7:37am
This girl is smiling at work while sweaty and gross because of this little note.
My day, so far, is Monday in a Tuesday's clothing. Boohiss.
I want to write back in a fitting mannor but am short of that availability on my BB. I do have gchat if you are interested...
Okay back to cussing and fixing problems. It's cute, I swear.
T

Apr 26, 2011 – 7:52am
Just so you know, I just let out a little squeal. I also just texted my sister that I'm interested in a girl...just thought I'd prepare her. This isn't meant to scare you, I promise. I just want you to know I'm serious.
And yes, gchating sounds lovely. I'm about to get dressed/head to work, but I'm up for it.

And I have no doubt your cussing and fixing problems is anything but adorable.
:)--A


Ok, so after your initial lesbian shock (here's looking at you @rantipole), we chatted all of Monday via gchat (the chat function of Google) and it was glorious. Then there was some lapse in communication--some hurried emails, some very quick chats of "hi. have a good day."

And on Tuesday of last week (04.26.11) I received a text around lunch time from BBM--just 5 short hours after his "let's be friends, but ones that don't talk about sex" declaration.
Him: Where are you right now?
Me: The break room at work eating lunch. You?
Him: Just got out of the shower. Come to me.

He lasted five hours under his OWN rules. Amazing. My life is amazing. And never boring. Never, ever, ever.

I did not respond. I don't think I'll be talking to BBM anymore. I don't need that in my life. I'm not very good at being a sexpot.