Just got this text message from the associate pastor friend of mine I mentioned:
"Hey...I think [Lady Preacher] has a partner named [Lady Preacher2]. :("
God makes me L-A-U-G-H!
Joke's on ME. HA!
Spinster crazy cat lady, here I come. And add single Sunday school teacher to make that list complete!
Thursday, August 11, 2011
Again with the raining and the pouring...
I sure know how to do things up BIG!
Sorry for the delay, oh blogosphere. I have been busy continuing to work my two jobs--and the non-profit has hit warp speed for sure! Also, I have been pursuing this exercising/eating right hype and you know what? That shit works. I'm down 18 pounds with very little actual effort. I oscillate between wanting to lose like 150 pounds, and just being pleased that I'm active and feeling good. Today it's "obsess over weight" day. Tomorrow will probably be back to, "I'm just glad I'm eating more vegetables." Oh, and I've adopted two cats named Tyler and Jules and they have 100% changed my life for the good. Best decision I've made in a long while.
Back to the raining and pouring: Well, we all remember Thumper. And how she wasn't ready for actually dating and putting me on a weird timetable and all that. So, (and I do believe this with all of my heart) the Lord placed her on my heart and mind last night because He reminded me that this is the month of August and that means her mom died a year ago this month. So I sent her a simple text saying that I know things didn't work out between us, but I wanted her to know that I know this year without her mom has been horrendous and that she's in my thoughts and prayers.
She responded back "Thank you for your message. I have thought about you a lot. Please know that you are the only person that has said anything about Mom this month. The 22nd will be a year."
As of this morning, we're back on friendly (certainly not dating) terms--and I just hope I can be a place of support for her because I truly believe she's just hurt and lost and trying to make her way in this world alone.
So after the Thumper debacle I kind of wrote off men and women in a heap. I am totally getting into the groove of being single and mostly asexual. I have two cats now--on my way to being a crazy cat lady and I'm totally jazzed about that!
I joined this awesome church on July 3rd. My dad's a member and it's been a source of some true reconciliation and healing. One of my best friends is my Sunday school teacher and it's been an awesome experience being part of a church where I belong, where my friends belong, and where we are all accepting with open arms and open hearts.
Fast forward a few weeks: we get a new children's and youth minister. She is a proper dyke. Buzzed hair, linen suit, wide green suspenders, big clunky black shoes, and the most adorable Timbuk2 messenger bag. And: I'm hooked. She seems pretty shy, but when she's speaking to the children, as she sits on the floor of the sanctuary in her robes so as to be on their level--she's so sweet and soft and caring. I may or may not have (read: definitely did) looked her up on FB and we have four mutual friends. Only one of which is a church contact. The other three are very odd indeed. One is a guy I went to college with--who happens to be married to a very good friend of mine (also from college). They are FB friends as I'm assuming they know each other from her master's of Divinity courses--he works at her mDiv university. One friend is a girl that works with me at the non-profit. So, of course, me being me, I emailed her this:
Her response:
"Hahahahah – she dated a GOOD friend of mine from high school, and their relationship ended maybe 2 years ago?? She’s great from what I have experienced of her. I think the relationship ended because she wanted marriage (not sure HOW they were going to sort that out—lesbian couple)..and my friend didn’t feel ready.
What’s the context?"
I assured her it was all good and I would divulge details later. :) I like to hear she's marriage minded. AND she loves the kiddos. And she's all kinds of deliciously butch.
I have ellicited the help of another associate pastor at my church. He and I have been friends for years, so I felt comfortable telling him of my infatuation. He's working on some details for me (as in: is she single? is she looking?). He's even gone so far in the past couple of days to become her FB friend as well.
Yesterday, I even went so far to sign up to be a children's Sunday school teacher--and I guarantee you the children were not my first thought or priority. I'm sure Jesus can forgive me. As the other associate pastor said, "Well, at least now you've got some guaranteed proximity!" I'm still waiting on her to respond to my "I want to teach the little lambs of God" email. I'll keep you posted.
On to more ethereal thoughts (you HAD to know that was coming): the thoughts of "labels" have been bothering me lately. When I first crushed on Thumper, I had a bit of an identity crisis. Am I a lesbian now? Do I have to fit into a some pre-formed "lesbian" mold? Do I have to classify as butch or femme? Do I have to go to only certain bars or be attracted to only certain people? What are the rules?
And then I came to the conclusion I was hoping to come to: I am who I am and I can't (and don't want to) be anyone else. I'm not gay or straight or bi or curious or questioning. I'm just me. I like who I like. I love lumberjack men. But I really like this butch, soft spoken lesbian preacher and I want to pursue that. And that's ok.
Want to know why it's ok?
'Cause baby, I was born this way.
Sorry for the delay, oh blogosphere. I have been busy continuing to work my two jobs--and the non-profit has hit warp speed for sure! Also, I have been pursuing this exercising/eating right hype and you know what? That shit works. I'm down 18 pounds with very little actual effort. I oscillate between wanting to lose like 150 pounds, and just being pleased that I'm active and feeling good. Today it's "obsess over weight" day. Tomorrow will probably be back to, "I'm just glad I'm eating more vegetables." Oh, and I've adopted two cats named Tyler and Jules and they have 100% changed my life for the good. Best decision I've made in a long while.
Back to the raining and pouring: Well, we all remember Thumper. And how she wasn't ready for actually dating and putting me on a weird timetable and all that. So, (and I do believe this with all of my heart) the Lord placed her on my heart and mind last night because He reminded me that this is the month of August and that means her mom died a year ago this month. So I sent her a simple text saying that I know things didn't work out between us, but I wanted her to know that I know this year without her mom has been horrendous and that she's in my thoughts and prayers.
She responded back "Thank you for your message. I have thought about you a lot. Please know that you are the only person that has said anything about Mom this month. The 22nd will be a year."
As of this morning, we're back on friendly (certainly not dating) terms--and I just hope I can be a place of support for her because I truly believe she's just hurt and lost and trying to make her way in this world alone.
So after the Thumper debacle I kind of wrote off men and women in a heap. I am totally getting into the groove of being single and mostly asexual. I have two cats now--on my way to being a crazy cat lady and I'm totally jazzed about that!
I joined this awesome church on July 3rd. My dad's a member and it's been a source of some true reconciliation and healing. One of my best friends is my Sunday school teacher and it's been an awesome experience being part of a church where I belong, where my friends belong, and where we are all accepting with open arms and open hearts.
Fast forward a few weeks: we get a new children's and youth minister. She is a proper dyke. Buzzed hair, linen suit, wide green suspenders, big clunky black shoes, and the most adorable Timbuk2 messenger bag. And: I'm hooked. She seems pretty shy, but when she's speaking to the children, as she sits on the floor of the sanctuary in her robes so as to be on their level--she's so sweet and soft and caring. I may or may not have (read: definitely did) looked her up on FB and we have four mutual friends. Only one of which is a church contact. The other three are very odd indeed. One is a guy I went to college with--who happens to be married to a very good friend of mine (also from college). They are FB friends as I'm assuming they know each other from her master's of Divinity courses--he works at her mDiv university. One friend is a girl that works with me at the non-profit. So, of course, me being me, I emailed her this:
So, I noticed you’re friends with [this girl] on Facebook.
Tell me everything you know and think. Please.
And, GO:Her response:
"Hahahahah – she dated a GOOD friend of mine from high school, and their relationship ended maybe 2 years ago?? She’s great from what I have experienced of her. I think the relationship ended because she wanted marriage (not sure HOW they were going to sort that out—lesbian couple)..and my friend didn’t feel ready.
What’s the context?"
I assured her it was all good and I would divulge details later. :) I like to hear she's marriage minded. AND she loves the kiddos. And she's all kinds of deliciously butch.
I have ellicited the help of another associate pastor at my church. He and I have been friends for years, so I felt comfortable telling him of my infatuation. He's working on some details for me (as in: is she single? is she looking?). He's even gone so far in the past couple of days to become her FB friend as well.
Yesterday, I even went so far to sign up to be a children's Sunday school teacher--and I guarantee you the children were not my first thought or priority. I'm sure Jesus can forgive me. As the other associate pastor said, "Well, at least now you've got some guaranteed proximity!" I'm still waiting on her to respond to my "I want to teach the little lambs of God" email. I'll keep you posted.
On to more ethereal thoughts (you HAD to know that was coming): the thoughts of "labels" have been bothering me lately. When I first crushed on Thumper, I had a bit of an identity crisis. Am I a lesbian now? Do I have to fit into a some pre-formed "lesbian" mold? Do I have to classify as butch or femme? Do I have to go to only certain bars or be attracted to only certain people? What are the rules?
And then I came to the conclusion I was hoping to come to: I am who I am and I can't (and don't want to) be anyone else. I'm not gay or straight or bi or curious or questioning. I'm just me. I like who I like. I love lumberjack men. But I really like this butch, soft spoken lesbian preacher and I want to pursue that. And that's ok.
Want to know why it's ok?
'Cause baby, I was born this way.
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
What a difference a day makes!
Had my monthly sit-down, pow-wow with the boss this morning. Voiced my concerns and he gave me some amazing insight as to how I should handle myself (stop trying to please everyone, not everyone has to like you, stop being so nice--just extend professional courtesy and focus on what you've got to do). Hard? Of course. Freeing? Absolutely!
I forgot to include the copy of an email (may or may not have been from the aforementioned terrific gay boy) I got yesterday regarding my FB status update:
J
Smiles all around. I will send each of you a similar list if you ever need it! I'm back to being right as rain!
I forgot to include the copy of an email (may or may not have been from the aforementioned terrific gay boy) I got yesterday regarding my FB status update:
Dear A,
I don’t know a lot about you. I mean, we’ve only really known each other for a little over two months. There’s only so much one can learn about another in a little over two months.
However, there are a few things that are abundantly clear to me:
-You’re generous
-You’re gracious
-You’re kind
-You’re very intelligent
-You challenge me to be more outgoing
-You challenge me to be more than I am now
-You challenge me to face the facts (“Honey, he’s just not that into you.”)
-You’re nice to me
-You have a heart for serving God by serving others
-You’re honest
-You’re responsible
-You’re witty
-You’re very funny
-You’re passionate
-You work hard
-You’re (insert first and last name here), and you don’t try to be anyone else
Smiles all around. I will send each of you a similar list if you ever need it! I'm back to being right as rain!
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Sometimes I need some time + perspective
It's been a month, I realize. But on a happy note: I no longer find myself in a crush with a gay boy--and for that I am grateful!
Also, I've been having a semi-tough time at work with a new coworker (at the non-profit). As you all know, I want nothing more than to help people. It's my cocaine and addiction. My bread and butter. I MUST help people. That's why I loved my job at the NGS for so long (more on that at another time)--helping people was literally my number one priority. I take pride on being quick on the uptake and being able to share whatever knowledge I've gleaned to help others. That applies at the non-profit. I was the office manager last year--I know what our boss is looking for. I know how to work our extremely complicated databases and financial systems. It was my job to train the new coworker (NC). So, I did--and I also sit 3 feet from NC, so I obviously felt like there would be more questions later.
But no. No questions. Then errors were made. And I tried to very sweetly and humbly to see how I could help. And things have quickly and largely gone downhill from there.
I will expound on the details later or maybe not at all as I'm trying to dwell in more positive thoughts these days.
BUT the reason for writing today--sometimes I need literal reminders of why people like me. Shallow? Maybe. Helpful? Definitely. It brings me back to Knowing Truths instead of the worries that race around my head when someone just literally hates me.
I sent a text last night to a couple of people saying that it was one of those nights that I didn't think I could do the NGS anymore. 4.8 years and I'm plain worn out. I've been overly used, overly depended on...and not always treated in the most ideal ways. I got this return text from a dear friend: "Always remember to try and not react out of emotion, but based on facts. Do what is good for you and know you are loved and supported."
Just that one sentence was enough to brighten my entire evening. Helped lift the pall that had shadowed my mood.
And then today on FB I got another boost. I posted about just not understanding why people don't like me...and these are the responses I got:
Also, I've been having a semi-tough time at work with a new coworker (at the non-profit). As you all know, I want nothing more than to help people. It's my cocaine and addiction. My bread and butter. I MUST help people. That's why I loved my job at the NGS for so long (more on that at another time)--helping people was literally my number one priority. I take pride on being quick on the uptake and being able to share whatever knowledge I've gleaned to help others. That applies at the non-profit. I was the office manager last year--I know what our boss is looking for. I know how to work our extremely complicated databases and financial systems. It was my job to train the new coworker (NC). So, I did--and I also sit 3 feet from NC, so I obviously felt like there would be more questions later.
But no. No questions. Then errors were made. And I tried to very sweetly and humbly to see how I could help. And things have quickly and largely gone downhill from there.
I will expound on the details later or maybe not at all as I'm trying to dwell in more positive thoughts these days.
BUT the reason for writing today--sometimes I need literal reminders of why people like me. Shallow? Maybe. Helpful? Definitely. It brings me back to Knowing Truths instead of the worries that race around my head when someone just literally hates me.
I sent a text last night to a couple of people saying that it was one of those nights that I didn't think I could do the NGS anymore. 4.8 years and I'm plain worn out. I've been overly used, overly depended on...and not always treated in the most ideal ways. I got this return text from a dear friend: "Always remember to try and not react out of emotion, but based on facts. Do what is good for you and know you are loved and supported."
Just that one sentence was enough to brighten my entire evening. Helped lift the pall that had shadowed my mood.
And then today on FB I got another boost. I posted about just not understanding why people don't like me...and these are the responses I got:
Me:
Monday, June 13, 2011
It was only a matter of time
...until I developed a for-real, visceral crush on a gay boy.
Ugh. This sucks. We work together. He went to my esteemed school of higher education. He's perfect. Really. He's well-read, hilarious, passionate, cute, nerdy.
And he likes boys.
God and I are not on speaking terms right at the moment. Well, about that at least.
We ARE on speaking terms as to our Pentecost sermon from yesterday: God has charged me to change the world in only the way that I can--no one else can affect the world like me...and I believe Him. What an empowering thought!
Also, I can't even begin to tell you how wonderful it is to spend so much time with my dad. It's like there are no years that we didn't talk...it's terrific and perfect and I love him and I am very glad he's a part of my life now.
Ugh. This sucks. We work together. He went to my esteemed school of higher education. He's perfect. Really. He's well-read, hilarious, passionate, cute, nerdy.
And he likes boys.
God and I are not on speaking terms right at the moment. Well, about that at least.
We ARE on speaking terms as to our Pentecost sermon from yesterday: God has charged me to change the world in only the way that I can--no one else can affect the world like me...and I believe Him. What an empowering thought!
Also, I can't even begin to tell you how wonderful it is to spend so much time with my dad. It's like there are no years that we didn't talk...it's terrific and perfect and I love him and I am very glad he's a part of my life now.
Friday, June 03, 2011
Neighborhood Grocery Store
Four years and seven months...and I'm officially burned out on my second job. But I make GREAT money (more an hour than my day job). GREAT benefits. Paid time off. 15% of what I make goes into a profitable money market account to which I never have to contribute. It's a really great job...and I'm tired of it.
So, if you find yourself bored, please offer up a prayer for me to find some discernment.
Maybe one of these days I'll be wise with my money and won't have to have two jobs. One of these days (as I stare off wistfully).
Wednesday, June 01, 2011
Wouldn't have thought it true
So Monday night was terrible at the NGS. I cried...it was a mess. Thinking SERIOUSLY of transferring to the store that's 2 miles from me and not the current 18.5 I drive now. Thinking seriously about finding another part-time job. 4.5 years is a long time to sell food and perform manual labor...
But that's not what I'm here to talk about. So, I didn't work last night--so I went to the Laundromat, went grocery shopping (at the MUCH closer NGS) and came home to make dinner. All very enjoyable for a night off. Tonight, also off work. I stayed at the non-profit until around 6:30, came home...and I have no idea what to do with my nights off. I watched the rest of a movie I started the other night. I wasn't interested in anything on Netflix or TV.
I've registered for this season of kickball (which means having a team to drink with pre- and post-games). I ordered some art prints from a friend selling his amazing photography...and now I'm writing here. It's only 9:53 PM EST and I think I'm going to head to bed. Am I that tired? No. I just don't know what else to do. I'm not in the mood to read, or call anyone, or work on my decoupage art project or go anywhere or be with anyone. Man, I am just out of sorts lately!
Bonus: I'm very happy I dumped Thumper. Haven't heard from her again and I can't say I'm surprised by that. I DID have a creepily real daydream on Monday regarding the chef from the neighborhood restaurant whom I may or may not have semi-stalked via Twitter. I worry about my brain pathways sometimes.
I'm happy for my dear M and her Italian tonight. I'm happy for a lot of things. And sleeping well the past week definitely helps.
Wishing everyone a lovely evening.
But that's not what I'm here to talk about. So, I didn't work last night--so I went to the Laundromat, went grocery shopping (at the MUCH closer NGS) and came home to make dinner. All very enjoyable for a night off. Tonight, also off work. I stayed at the non-profit until around 6:30, came home...and I have no idea what to do with my nights off. I watched the rest of a movie I started the other night. I wasn't interested in anything on Netflix or TV.
I've registered for this season of kickball (which means having a team to drink with pre- and post-games). I ordered some art prints from a friend selling his amazing photography...and now I'm writing here. It's only 9:53 PM EST and I think I'm going to head to bed. Am I that tired? No. I just don't know what else to do. I'm not in the mood to read, or call anyone, or work on my decoupage art project or go anywhere or be with anyone. Man, I am just out of sorts lately!
Bonus: I'm very happy I dumped Thumper. Haven't heard from her again and I can't say I'm surprised by that. I DID have a creepily real daydream on Monday regarding the chef from the neighborhood restaurant whom I may or may not have semi-stalked via Twitter. I worry about my brain pathways sometimes.
I'm happy for my dear M and her Italian tonight. I'm happy for a lot of things. And sleeping well the past week definitely helps.
Wishing everyone a lovely evening.
Friday, May 27, 2011
How about THAT?!
As I've previously stated, I sleep horribly. Well, last night I spent a very, very stormy evening with friends--a drink was imbibed, tacos were eaten and it was a lovely time indeed.
So, I got home--tried to watch a movie, got 45 minutes into it and decided it was time to sleep. I took a sleeping pill that had previously not worked out for me--but it worked last night! I slept from 10:30 until 6:30. EIGHT HOURS! Woo! So, this morning I feel refreshed and ready for a dreary, overcast Friday.
I woke up to a gchat message (how Thumper and I communicate primarily), "You took your profile down?" Umm, I haven't heard from her since Sunday and today is Friday. That's a long time in "dating limbo" land--well, it's a long time for me.
She asked why--I told her that I'm just tired of being online, tired of putting myself out there and clearly I'm not what the Internet dating world is looking for. She took it personally--and now we're in the middle of this weird and heated discussion.
I am, however, for the first time ever standing up for what I WANT out of this relationship. She's got some shitty circumstances right now. I totally get that...but if there isn't room for me, then I want out. I have plenty of friends--I don't need someone else to use me as an emotional crutch and then move on to romance with someone else. Been there and have done that for years. It's not a habit I wish to get back into.
I told her what I want: a relationship. She said she told me she can't give that to me until July. I said, fine, call me in July. And she acted offended, "So written off until then?" And that set me off, which I shall reenact here:
I don't know what else to do. I'm interested, clearly. But you said you don't have time to invest in me until July. You're mad when I don't text, yet when I do I don't always get a response. So, what do YOU want?
Her: Wow, I was just asking for clarification. I am at work and I'm busy now. Can't talk.
Me: For once, I'm standing up for what I want. I want a relationship. If that's what we're working toward, great. If not, then yeah, we should probably stop talking. I know you need friends and family right now and I feel for you. I do. But I have to watch out for me too. See, I give and give--it's who I am. But I typically give and then people feel nourished and move on. And that leaves me in the dust. So please take what I need into account too. If you feel like I need too much, then tell me and we can go our separate ways. If you decide in July you'd like to date, then by all means please call.
And I left it at that. She told me earlier this morning this exact thing: "Yes, you are a possibility. I can't promise anything though. I can't tell you that we will date. I kind feel like you already expect to be my girlfriend." I responded that yeah, she's probably right.
I shall NOT be strung along by someone who can't promise anything and won't even say she wants to date me.
Mark me being bad at dating women off the list now too. I don't know who is left--now that men and women are off the list.
Cat ownership, here I come!
:) I'm actually ok with all of this. Really. I'm at peace for pulling the plug on all this dating crap. I can focus on things that won't leave me perpetually thirsty.
And cuteness of cute, my mom called yesterday and said, "Can we go to New York for my 65th birthday?" That's next March--and I said of course! I said, "What do you want to do when we go?" Her only response: The Today Show.
That's all she wants to do. No Broadway shows, no site-seeing. She wants to go to Rockerfeller Square and stand outside all morning to be seen at The Today Show--and I couldn't want that more for her if I tried. So, friends, it looks like I'm going to NYC in March next year.
So, I got home--tried to watch a movie, got 45 minutes into it and decided it was time to sleep. I took a sleeping pill that had previously not worked out for me--but it worked last night! I slept from 10:30 until 6:30. EIGHT HOURS! Woo! So, this morning I feel refreshed and ready for a dreary, overcast Friday.
I woke up to a gchat message (how Thumper and I communicate primarily), "You took your profile down?" Umm, I haven't heard from her since Sunday and today is Friday. That's a long time in "dating limbo" land--well, it's a long time for me.
She asked why--I told her that I'm just tired of being online, tired of putting myself out there and clearly I'm not what the Internet dating world is looking for. She took it personally--and now we're in the middle of this weird and heated discussion.
I am, however, for the first time ever standing up for what I WANT out of this relationship. She's got some shitty circumstances right now. I totally get that...but if there isn't room for me, then I want out. I have plenty of friends--I don't need someone else to use me as an emotional crutch and then move on to romance with someone else. Been there and have done that for years. It's not a habit I wish to get back into.
I told her what I want: a relationship. She said she told me she can't give that to me until July. I said, fine, call me in July. And she acted offended, "So written off until then?" And that set me off, which I shall reenact here:
I don't know what else to do. I'm interested, clearly. But you said you don't have time to invest in me until July. You're mad when I don't text, yet when I do I don't always get a response. So, what do YOU want?
Her: Wow, I was just asking for clarification. I am at work and I'm busy now. Can't talk.
Me: For once, I'm standing up for what I want. I want a relationship. If that's what we're working toward, great. If not, then yeah, we should probably stop talking. I know you need friends and family right now and I feel for you. I do. But I have to watch out for me too. See, I give and give--it's who I am. But I typically give and then people feel nourished and move on. And that leaves me in the dust. So please take what I need into account too. If you feel like I need too much, then tell me and we can go our separate ways. If you decide in July you'd like to date, then by all means please call.
And I left it at that. She told me earlier this morning this exact thing: "Yes, you are a possibility. I can't promise anything though. I can't tell you that we will date. I kind feel like you already expect to be my girlfriend." I responded that yeah, she's probably right.
I shall NOT be strung along by someone who can't promise anything and won't even say she wants to date me.
Mark me being bad at dating women off the list now too. I don't know who is left--now that men and women are off the list.
Cat ownership, here I come!
:) I'm actually ok with all of this. Really. I'm at peace for pulling the plug on all this dating crap. I can focus on things that won't leave me perpetually thirsty.
And cuteness of cute, my mom called yesterday and said, "Can we go to New York for my 65th birthday?" That's next March--and I said of course! I said, "What do you want to do when we go?" Her only response: The Today Show.
That's all she wants to do. No Broadway shows, no site-seeing. She wants to go to Rockerfeller Square and stand outside all morning to be seen at The Today Show--and I couldn't want that more for her if I tried. So, friends, it looks like I'm going to NYC in March next year.
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