I guess I should write this for Ashley, because I said I would. It pains me that things can't just be simple and easy...but when I feel convicted and when I feel God's presence in a situation, I just can't ignore it, however much easier it would be to do so.

I heard the voice of God Tuesday night, July 11, 2006. I thought I was still awake, lamp on, TV on, phone on--and I heard a voice tell me that I've done all I can do, I should trust Him and worry not. I was not, however, awake, the lamp was off, the TV silenced and my phone powered down. I then dreamt that I texted my voice-vision to Reid.

When I awoke on Wednesday...after God granted my request for sleep, for I just couldn't handle another nightmare-laden evening thinking I was losing two of my very closest friends...I turned my phone on and saw that I had two voicemails and 4 texts. One text was from Jeremy about work, another from Reid telling me goodnight, one from Jamie telling me that when I thanked her for putting up with me, she said it wasn't putting up with me--that she truly enjoyed being a real friend, and then this:

Reid (12:03 a.m.):
Really though. What more can yo do? You have given them advice and friendship and now it is up to them to decide the right choice. Continue to give advice when they ask, but apart from that it is out of your hands. God has a plan for it all including your involvement in it.

The voicemails were from Ashley. Gosh that was a hard night. It's been a hard two weeks. I don't have all the answers. But I do know that God is with me every step of the way. He feels my pangs of loss, confusion, jealousy, abandonment, apprehension about the future...and He desperately tries to quieten my soul if I'll only let Him. The Peace That Passes Understanding. My bridegroom. The only thing I can trust implicitly, explicitly. The only One I can store my hopes and dreams in.

But I'll be honest...it's not all roses and sunshine. I don't want to have to share Bo or Ashley. I don't want to see them get hurt. I don't want Ashley and I's lives to drift apart like they did in college. She's the softer part of me that I can't let go. But I take a deep breath. I ask God to fill all these doubts with His love, His plan and just to let me Trust Him.

Trust.
Trust.
Trust.
Pray.