I was chatting late last night via my email server's instant messaging program with a good, good, decent, long-lasting friend (since elementary school!) and I made this statement RE: men, dating, sex, and webcam usage:
"me: For SO LONG I've lived in fear of my sexuality, my passions. I've been embarrassed of my own thoughts, feelings and desires. I wanted to appear virtuous. I wanted to be the prude...but my insides were bursting for more.
her: that's natural, in my opinion
me: So, I've found a little piece of more and I'm enjoying it." I feel free.
I wanted to be rid of my lusty thoughts. I asked, nay pleaded, with Jesus to take them away. I walked around feeling guilty. I avoided most human touch just to stave off any physical reaction. Every man I encounter (I did it this morning to a hot construction worker.) I immediately look for a wedding band (regardless of if I'm attracted to him) just on the off chance that he might fancy me--I'm starved for romantic attention. I spend most of my time with gay men for a reason: no temptations. I don't know how to NOT have sexual leanings with men. I mean, I have male friends that I'm not attracted to. But that had to be fleshed out upon first meeting. I feel like it's some prehistoric part of me that comes oozing out--whether I shall be able to procreate with them or something.
Well, several weeks ago I snapped. I wanted this dark, hidden side of me to come to light. I'm tired of hiding in unlit places. I needed an avenue of release...because no amount of praying/chest beating/avoidance/denial made my body ache less, my lust disappear. Disapate maybe, but definitely not disappear. It's a weight on my shoulders at all times. I logged into a dating website targeting Big Girls...and was instantly amazed: I'm a hit! These boys LIKE the way I look. They are lusting after ME. And thus began my chat with the French King of Miami.
He calls me baby, his queen, gorgeous, hot, beautiful. I've never felt desired. Ever. Well, that's not exactly true. I was lured into a sexual relationship at the age of 12 by a 22-year-old grown man (creepy now, yes. Then, it didn't seem so outlandish. I've always been mature for my age.) because I felt ugly and frumpy (I was a women's size 10 then and was 5'9" and thought I was a giant ogre). So for about 6 months when I was 12/13 I felt desired. But clearly it's not the same as now. I fooled around with a guy when I was 17...hurried meetings in dark hallways after school...but I didn't feel desired. We were just using each other...it's not like he ever asked me out, or refered to me to his friends. And I certainly didn't claim him to mine. That was 12 years ago. My last "romantic" interaction was TWELVE years ago. I was a junior in high school.
So, I know FULL well that things with Miami aren't serious. They're not on the road to marriage. I know. I KNOW. I know I WANT marriage. I want romance and flowers and professions of love. But right now, I'm really enjoying feeling like a real woman. I feel desirable.
Here it is: I am a sexual being. I have sexual thoughts and desires. I have daydreams and middle-of-the-night dreams. And you know what else? I love Jesus and my God fiercely. I am tired of the two have to be kept separate. So here I am. On the cusp of 30 and finding my way in the world.
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