Response from The Book (unabridged version)

Yes, I agree with you. God is a whole lot bigger than politics and personality conflicts. Those are two very human things that we can let get in the way of God's big picture. But I think it must've been totally necessary for us to take a brief (a couple of years?) hiatus from Chrysalis. I honestly can't really think of anything I have to do during July 7(Thursday), 8 (Friday), or 9 (Saturday) except baby sit Jansen on Thursday and Friday. Maybe I can get my sister to call his other baby-sitter and she'll keep him those two days? I'll give Vivian a call. Wow, Frankie and her family are having a hard time right now.

And don't be scared, but during all the little songs the kids learn during bible school I found myself singing and doing the motions to "Pharoh Pharoh" more than once. Hahahah!

Ok, I'll get to Reid in just a minute cause I do have some things to type about that. But bear with me.

I think we're both totally on the same page. Ok, Monday-Wednesday of this week I went to Columbus to help my friend Carley (she graduated with me and had those really great metal sculptures of women at the art show) out with vacation bible school. She had a class of 5th and 6th graders and they were wild, but that's beside the point. I really didn't feel like I was helping out at all, but I don't think I was suppose to. I really believe that God allowed me to go down there to spend time with Carley and her husband Ben because they are such a strong Christian couple. Carley is a new Christian as she was only saved about 3 years ago. Well, she and her husband are just so prayerful and faithful. They put God first, even before each other. Everything they do in their lives is so God-centered and it was just such a blessing to spend time with them and have such good conversations about life, faith, prayers...etc.

So, while spending time with them I was made to realize how much my relationship with God is truly lacking. Especially since I moved back home. I'm so comfortable because I'm around people that love me and everything is so safe and planned----so spiritually (and physcially) I've just become quite lazy. Well, last week I started jogging/power-walking and I've decided to do that at least 3 days a week because it gets me out of the house and off the couch and allows me to think. I also unearthed my Max Lucado books from a big black trunk. I just need to have that strength and that faith. I want the reinforcement of being around Christian people, going to God with everything---whether it's a career choice or a hang-nail, praying and just talking to him more. I'm tired of uber-erotic thoughts and succumbing (sp?) to temptation whether it's mental or physical. I'm tired of feeling so far away from God for reasons all my own. I want the security of a Father that is nothing like my earthly father. I long for the peace that comes with trusting in him for everything. My new favorite verse that has come up a couple of times in the past weeks, especially since I've graduated is Jeremiah 29:11---"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and hot harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future."

I am tired of taking my worries into my own hands when I have someone so much bigger than me that has outstretched arms simply waiting to hold me and take all my worries away from me. God says "Honey, I got this." And it about time I let him.

I'm not miserable and depressed and in the middle of self-loathing or anything dramatic like that. I'm just tired of relying on myself. I'm tired of allowing things of this life to take me down. I am not condemned to a future of any one else's mistakes or decisions. I am not even bound by my own mistakes. If God can forgive me then it's high time I forgave myself and got on with life.

I am very excited that I've graduated college and have a whole new part of my life that's starting. I'm confident that God will put me where I'm suppose to go so I'm trying to pray more about the job he wants me to have and the place he wants me to live. I refuse to get worried about it. I am actually very happy about being single because I'm under construction right now. I really have no desire to have someone in my life in that aspect right now. I'm not where I want to be spiritually. And also I don't want to be distracted or tempted. Ain't got time for that. So, if my family could lay off on the love connection that'd be great. If later God shows me someone that I'm suppose to be with then AMEN. But until then I'm giving my desires to him. He needs to edit the list of "must haves" that I seemed to have written down for things I want in a man. Cause until now it's been: divorced, crazy, on drugs, treats me like crap, smokes, doesn't have a relationship with God. Yeah, that list needs some work. I want to be able to walk into a room and not immediately scan the crowd for the nearest guy that pays me some attention and then run him through my crappy crappy crappy checklist and find out I have yet another miserable winner. No ma'am. I'm calling an end to those days.

About Reid. He looks very familiar. I think he wore skater-kind-of-clothes in school. I remember seeing him in the hallways. And I definately remember his sister. And how 'bout he's a man of God. Fantastic. That's so awesome that you felt so at home with him and his family over Christmas. I'd forgotten you spent time with them. And it's so inspiring to see such a strong Christian couple like his parents. Just keep Jesus in that crush on Reid. Cause we all know what happens when we delete Jesus from that equation. Yeah, OUR PANTS COME OFF---and our minds aren't anywhere near scripture, church, praying or anything even remotely holy. I'm glad to hear you sound so much more positive now because I know around the time of graduation you were struggling. But even in your times of struggle you still impress and inspire other people. My family absolutely LOVES you. They always have. I remember sitting in Jenni's back yard while Emma and Javi played on the swings---we were laying in the grass, watching the goats, and just talking and she was saying how awesome you are and what a great friend you are. You are truly the best friend I have ever had. God knew we'd need each other. We are Cornelia and Alice. We always will be. You will always be my book and I love you more than words can tell.

On another note: It is currently 11am and Jansen is STILL ASLEEP? What in the world?

On yet another note: I hung out with Kathy, my cooperating teacher from student teaching, and her kids yesterday. She's such a cool lady and I'm glad that we still talk. I was hoping we'd still talk and hang out even after student teaching was over. We all went to the pool and had fun. She has an 11 year old (Kate), 9 year old (Kurt), and 2 year old Mackenzie. We all had fun swimming and playing and getting some sun. Well, point of the story is that I bruise like a peach. At one point I was about to lay down on the plastic pool chair they have at most pools and I bumped my right calf on the edge of the chair. Even though I just bumped it, it hurt. I sat up and looked at it and my skin was lumpy where it hurt and I thought "what in the world?" So, I rubbed it and tried to smooth out the lumps. And it immediately turned purpley-blue. Nice. I put some ice on it, but that didn't seem to do a whole lot. Today it's a big bruise nearly 2 inches in all directions. I called my mom to make sure I didn't have Lukemia or something like that being that I only bumped the chair---it's not like I slammed into a concrete wall. It was plastic chair! She seems to think I simply popped a blood vessel that was close to the surface of my skin.

Even so, that's weird. And I've also got some mad carpet burn on my right knee (with matching bruise on left knee) that I earned while doing a relay race with the kids on Monday at bible school. So, it looks like I might've been beaten, but I think I'm alright. I feel ok.

I love you.

Oh, and I'm not much of a drinker either I guess. The only drinks I like the taste of have started to make my teeth hurt really bad whenever I partake. I don't know why. Sugar? Yet another strange element to my wacky body. Whatever.