Date: Mon, 31 Jul 2006 12:30:29 -0700 (PDT)
From: "ashley"
Subject: ...my brain is swimming....
To: "Anna"
No, OF COURSE I'm not mad at you and OF COURSE I will absolutely still speak to you. I want to talk to you more about his, but don't know how well I'll do with the time alloted. I'm still at school and it's 3:15pm and there's still a ton I'd like to do with my room! Just got out of a big giant meeting and my brain is swimming.

This brief response will have to do for now....suffice it to say that I love you dearly and I thank God for you. I appreciate your wisdom, honesty, and eloquence in addressing such a delicate issue. No, I do not think you're throwing stones. I am by no means upset or angry with you, so don't worry about that. There's so much going on right now that I'd like to talk with you on the phone about this later. I need to process and mull things over.

Briefly:
-Not using condoms is COMPLETELY stupid and it's my fault because he's suggested we use them and I haven't. STD's and babies are not on my list of things to have.
-Yes, Bo is a far cry from anyone I've ever dated, but you're right: It doesn't take much to beat out a drug addict and a complete psycho.
-It actually happened 3 weeks after I met him and not two, but I know that doesn't really matter because that's basically the same time line as with Peter.

Ok, I LOVE YOU SO MUCH and I'm glad you're in my life. I need to go now though. Crap, more later. Don't know when I'll get to a computer next. Maybe Wednesday?


Anna Leary wrote:
I had a random thought about you being pregnant last
night...that's why I texted you to see if you guys use
protection. Your response of "No ma'am" literally
robbed me of speech. I've literally been in continual
prayer about it since you wrote that.

I know I told you that I'm done with relationship
advice, but on this one point I can't just stand idly
by. I don't mean to offend--for I know you're an adult
and you want to live your own life and make your own
decisions, but this is something that scares me.

It is utterly irresponsible and dangerous for you guys
not to use a condom EVERY TIME you have sex. You were
with Peter and that's the first guy you slept with.
You guys had unprotected sex. You're not certain if he
was faithful. He had clearly slept with multiple women
before you. (This is not a guilt trip or to make you
feel dirty--but this is just the sad truth of the
world we now live in.) So I know you went and got all
kinds of tests run when you guys broke up. But did you
know it sometimes takes AIDS up to a year before it
shows up actively on tests? Ok, so now you're with Bo.
You sleep with him after knowing him two weeks. He has
clearly slept with multiple women. If he didn't use a
condom with you, it's pretty safe to assume he's had
previous encounters with unprotected sex. Knowing
Bo--and even though I've known him almost two years, I
still don't know everything about him--he probably has
never been tested for anything. Let's then go another
step further: the women he's slept with have probably
had previous partners. There's no telling who all
those guys had sex with before they had sex with Bo's
former partners. Again, I'm not slamming you--but I'm
not sugarcoating something that's so important: we
live in a very scary world. I know you think Bo's a
great guy--I do too, but I don't sleep with him. I
don't think there's enough trust built between you two
to warrant having sex without a condom--and I won't
even go into the pregnancy factor--because you have to
know that birth control is not fool-proof. Even in my
own case, I would be weary of having sex without a
condom even after I'm married because who knows what
lies dormant in and on me because of Jon when I was
13. STD's are no laughing matter. They are nothing to
be naive about. It doesn't matter that you both go to
church, that you've both heard and agreed with Voddie,
and that you both love Jesus and hope to follow Him
the rest of your days. I know you know that...but
keeping quiet about this can't go on. You have to
stand up for your own protection and demand that he
wear a condom--for the sake of both of you. If he puts
up any kind of protest--do you really want to be with
a man that refuses to keep you safe?

I am not dooming your relationship to hell, but Bo
doesn't have the best track record with women. I'm not
betraying his confidence here, but he's been known to
be the Love 'em and Leave 'em type. I hope that you
guys get married and live happily ever after--but at
this juncture in time, your future looks rocky and
murky. Yes, he's older and set in his ways--but this
is a time of courtship and he should be trying his
best to legitimately woo you for a permanent match,
AKA marriage. If he's willing to put laundry and sleep
over you now--he'll always do it. If he doesn't
respect you enough to not sleep with you, to guard
your heart and try to keep you pure, after two weeks
of knowing you, I'm going to go ahead and take a leap
and say his respect level for you, however it may not
go down, will not go up if you continue to give in to
his whims (sex with no condom is just a man trying to
get away with having his own pleasure above your
safety). It has nothing to do with wet socks :).

I only say any of this because I love you. I've seen
what kind of horrible things Peter did to you. I'm not
in any way saying Bo is like Peter, but the
relationship timeline is eerily similar. You've said
it yourself when I've raised the concerns about things
going quickly, "Well, you've got to admit that Bo's a
lot better than Peter." Well, Ashley, not to be
horribly blunt and rude, but Peter was an abusive
beast, Michael was a drug-addled boy stuck in a man's
body, and John the Baptist was a hypocrite of greatest
measure--it doesn't take a whole lot for Bo to be
"better" than these guys. Yes, he's leaps and bounds
over our previous choices. And I love Bo and really
enjoy being his friend--but he has a lot of growing up
to do. I'm not perfect, and I know it--but I'm
striving to make real differences in my life, in my
faith, in my surroundings. Bo looks at people like
they are just younger--haven't seen the things he's
seen, and therefore the rest of us are just naive and
he's the one with the real truth. I've gotten the
feeling when I've spoken with him about my faith that
he's looking down his nose at me. Even when he and I
hung out before 722 last week he cautioned me against
the Jesus Sugar High...and I told Him it's not a sugar
high, it's me being on fire for God because of what
He's brought me through.

He really thinks there's no problems with having a
fuck buddy (his own terminology--not referencing you,
but someone in his past). Yes, he likes you. Yes, you
guys are cute together--but he's coming from a past
that views sex as a man's right. "A man has NEEDS."
That's not a man that views sex as a beautiful gift
from God. We've both heard him say that he's not
selfish in the bedroom. Great. But that union is so
special to God, it should be confined to marriage. I
know you're your own woman and you're starting a new
chapter in your life and want and need to make your
own decisions.

Obviously you wanted to have sex too...or else you
wouldn't have. But women see sex as something leading
to love and permanence; it's intricately linked with
intimacy. Men see sex as sex...and it doesn't
necessarily have the same emotions and feelings
attached to it. That's why true trust and love and
mutual goals should be in play way before sex enters
into the equation. Because if he can have sex, sans
condom, and get away without making any
compromise--essentially succeeding as a grumpy old
man, then there's no impetus for him to change his
actions and be a righteous man, a man that "wants to
make an honest woman out of you."

I am not dooming your relationship with him. If you
want to continue dating him, terrific. If you want to
continue having sex with him, great. Honestly, I won't
get in the way. But please know that I'm only
concerned for the both of you and want the very best
for you. And no, I don't think sex, unprotected or
not, after only two weeks is the best for either of
you. God calls us to be true and pure and to stay away
from sexual immorality. It's not because He hates sex
or that He doesn't understand how absolutely wonderful
and earth shattering it can be. He DOES know because
He created it. It's meant to be absolutely wonderful
and earth shattering. But with all it's wonderfulness
and the ground shakingness of it, there comes a huge
commitment and strain on the emotions, on the faith,
on the well-being of the people involved in partaking
of something that's meant for a relationship with
proven permanence...a relationship where there is
trust, long-term COMMITMENT, monogamy and faith built
into it and there isn't the strain on time, and
distance, and trying to see each other and get more of
each other. Sex can be all-consuming. And I don't want
to see your relationship fail to grow in its maturity
just to satiate your sexual appetite. That appetite
will continue to grow and you'll want more and more if
it's not leashed in. And it'll lead to an emptiness if
there isn't the protection of a true foundation.

I know your ordeal with Peter was horrible and having
that positive attention from Bo is like a salve on a
starving soul...and you've mentioned to me in the past
about not everyone's faith is like mine, not everyone
can be as "strong" or as anti-premarital-sex as I am.
And that makes me sad. Because I LOVE sex. I think
it's amazing and I can't wait until my day comes. But
I know how sullied it can get. I know how dirty you
can feel when someone you've shared yourself fully
with hurts you or walks away or seeks his pleasure in
another. I'm not saying Bo will do any of that...but
is that something we can be absolutely sure of?
Because truth be told, I don't know him in that arena
very well at all. You probably know him leaps and
bounds better than I now...and yet, that's only a
month of knowledge built up. We don't know that he
doesn't split after two months. Or split when he feels
trapped by things like commitment and about
responsibility.

So I'm sorry if you feel attacked or degraded. It's
not meant to be like that at all. But I just think of
myself in this situation...and I would be fully into
him by now, head over heels in love. I would be
planning weddings and our lives together. However much
we talked about "taking it slow" and "seeing where
this goes," I would say whatever I needed to say to
keep him around because I like how he looks at me, how
it feels for him to be near me, how he holds me, how I
feel invincible when we have sex...but in reality--I'd
be sending messages that my whole self, that I should
guard with my life until I'm married, is on display
for him. He can take and take what he wants--that I'm
going to give in to what he wants because if I put up
a fight, he might leave. And I wouldn't want that. I
KNOW that's how I would act. That's why I don't date,
Ashley. There have actually been opportunities--but
the guys haven't been what I'm looking for
spiritually. I want a Voddie Baucham, sold out for
Christ, man that's going to lead me on a path to
righteousness kind of man. I need someone to take
charge and tell me no sometimes. Someone to guard my
heart for me when I want nothing but to give it away.
But I know that now...and I know that I jump into
romance head-first, no qualms, no thoughts of
consequences. So I know that I can't handle innocuous
dating. My next romance will be headed to marriage
because I know I can't guard my heart from being
obliterated by playing the world's Dating Game. I
can't handle one-night stands. I can't handle fooling
around without commitment. I can't handle the
jealousies that overcome me when I know I love him,
but we're not married...so he can hang out with
whomever he wants and I have no real claim to him or
his time.

If you can keep your heart from getting broken through
all this, then go for it. I'm not saying he's going to
break your heart--but I am saying that no matter if
you guys are on the road to marriage, sex throws a
kink in things that's going to make the road very
rocky. It makes people distrustful. It makes people
jealous. It makes people do crazy things. It makes
people make time and place claims on the other person
that may not have been earned--but just assumed
because of steamy nights spent together.

So I love you. I want the very very best for you. I
hope from now on you'll at least consider using a
condom. I hope you'll regularly get tested for STD's.
I hope you'll turn to God for comfort, for
fulfillment, for purpose, for your future instead of
Bo. But I can't live your life for you. So just know
that no matter what I'm still here. I'm still praying
for you and I'll support you when you need me to--but
know that I'm not willing to compromise my moral
stands or what I believe just to make the two of you
feel more comfortable. The sermon Kevin preached
yesterday was about the adulterous woman about to be
stoned, yet Jesus said for the person who has not
sinned throw the first stone and the woman's accusers
left. I'm not throwing stones. I know I'm not perfect
and I mess up everyday. But I really feel like I'm on
a good path now--not without falls and faults, but
full of feeling God's presence and seeking His Truth.
So I tell you the things I see wrong with your
relationship to help you from falling. To help you
live the life you were created to live. Because we're
best friends and we help each other. And it's also
helping me from being around people that will cause my
own faith and calling to stumble.

Well, this dissertation is over. If you choose to be
mad and not speak to me, that's fine. Because I don't
regret saying any of it. I don't regret standing up
for what I believe and what I think you truly believe
deep down--but perhaps you're just not ready to put
that faith into action because looking into Bo's eyes
and feeling his touch just feels so good and so right.


If you choose to think this is none of my business,
that's fine. But I don't see it like that. I see it as
being on a dangerous precipice that just might get
more treacherous as the days go on and the two of you
get more involved.

So, yes, you're an adult. You make your own decisions.
I thank God you've got a job you're going to love and
you're essentially out on your own. And I know there
will be a time where you will "leave" me to join a
husband. But until that time I hope you will take my
words as coming from a true and honest place. A place
that has known you and loved you for years on end. A
place that hopes you'll see that maybe I can see
things clearer on the outside and you'll trust my
words over the whispers of passion.

So there you go. I love you. And if I have to take a
backseat to Bo, that's your decision. I'm not saying
you have to choose between us. Just make sure it's
what you truly want for yourself. It's who you want to
be and it's how you want to be seen. Because I can
still be a friend to both of you. I can keep my
concerns quieter, but I won't turn a blind eye to what
I see as two beautiful Christians turning their backs
on God's will. I think that would be an even greater
sin on my back and an even greater offense to God. But
I'm called to love no matter, so I shall.

me.