Father.

Might I say there's a twinge of disappointment that Eric didn't come last night. But moreover there's a sense of disappointment in myself because I just feel like I've screwed things up again because I took control, took the reigns and acted on impulse, feeling, desire, childishness and desperation when instead I should be still and know you are God.

Now, even if Eric was interested, ever, he's probably creeped out like I'm following him. Like I've just made myself too available. Like I won't let him be the man that I ultimately desire--a man that takes the reigns. A man that holds off until he's ready to make that ultimate commitment.

Thank you for keeping me in the cradle of your palm. Thank you for knowing more and better than me. Thank you for having a plan. Thank you for cleaning up my messes. Thank you for your unending grace.

Thank you for making me eat my pride. I am pretty embarrassed today at work. I'm embarrassed that I just share everything with my coworkers...and they could tell I was excited about Eric over a year ago. They could certainly tell yesterday. And then when Carla found out, she looked at me like I was crazy. Like she wanted to say, "Why after all this time did you crawl out of nowhere and invite him to a party?" I was offended that she didn't believe in me. I took it as a personal offense, as if I couldn't "nab" a man. Well, hindsight is always perfect, right? She was right. I shouldn't have picked up the phone. And I certainly shouldn't have made it public knowledge that I had invited him. It should have been a surprise if he had shown up and then when he didn't, the disappointment would be all my own. Instead, now, it's a public pity. But I'm a big girl and I've made this bed--and I shall lie in it. I'm not moping--I'm confident that your will will come to pass, no matter my inaptitude--I'm just embarrassed. And that's ok. And maybe this feeling, right now, will somehow stay with me and I'll remember it the next time I throw myself into the paths of completely unsuitable situations.

But I don't regret my actions. I don't regret the open, giving and carelessly caring person I've become. I don't want to be closed, standoffish or elusive. I don't want things to be private. So I guess I'll take publicly embarrassed over my own private mortified hell any day.

I like being transparent. I like my emotions.

And I love you. And yes, I want love and romance and desire and marriage and security and a partnership so bad that I can taste and feel it...but it's so obvious that You are in control. You have my plans and I honestly can't think of a life where I stray from that and make such huge mistakes and decisions--a life outside of You.