I went to the doctor for the first time in about 5 years (more on the WHY later)...and I just took my first pill from a prescription: I am on Prozac. I am depressed. I feel hopeless, guilty, worthless and I am taking an antidepressant to combat these feelings.
This is a big deal. A big deal because I've been ignoring my own health for so long in deference of my mom's health issues. I feel guilty about feeling the way I do. I remember being an idealistic teenager/young 20-something saying "having a pity party is like telling God He hasn't done enough." Well, friends, my pity party has lasted for many, many years and I'm tired of feeling this way. I can't snap out of this one. I can't cover it up with a laugh and a smile anymore. At the end of every day, as I crawl into my cold and lonely bed a wave of desolation hits me. I can't pray myself out of this one. I can't joke this one off.
I am depressed. I don't feel like my life is worth living. No, I'm not a suicide risk. No, I'm not seeking any wreckless behavior as a mask. I'm just stating things as they are. I feel lost and I'm MORE than angry at God. I'm disappointed.
Both the nurse who took my blood and my new doctor (I LOVED my experience there and I'm very excited that I'm taking strides for my health) were A) shocked when I said I'm not sexually active and B) both encouraged me, on the cusp of 30, to become sexually active. "We need to get you some sex!"
A strange reaction/recommendation (and please know I couldn't agree more)--but my doctor stated it this way: humans need to be touched and loved and held and sex is a part of that. It's part of emotional wellness. And I am clearly not emotionally well and a giant portion of that is my constant, nagging, life-long singleness. My depression is not helped with the knowledge that nobody wants me. Thus enter my disappointment with God. He knows all of this and just leaves me out to dry.
It's sleeting here, it's cold in my office and honestly all I want to do is go home, get under the covers and sleep like the dead.
In other news: my mom has moved back to GA and will be living in an apartment near my sister in W.GA. Good for her! Also, I have a new coworker at the NGS and he's TOTALLY my type. I'm really attracted to him (please know this does not happen often). He's portly, lots of tattoos, sweet blue eyes, big hands...and he's totally married with a 4-month-old son. Awesomesauce. I'll really enjoy going to work now (*burn with sarcasm*).
1 comment:
Well, you're right, it's not easy to take this step--but I'm proud of you for doing it. As my own dear mother and other close family members can attest, sometimes you genuinely need that extra help to get out of a dark place. And there's nothing wrong with that.
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