Indecisive I can be.

Ok, so here's Part Two. It is NOT what you expect out of me. I know one friend at least that is disappointed in me. But it's just a path I feel I need to take. Hey, I needed my experiences with the King of Miami to learn more about myself. To get comfortable in my skin.

So, we kissed on Monday. On Tuesday in the wee hours (I have some serious trouble sleeping these days) I texted him to send me another picture. Honestly, I didn't think the pic he sent me did any kind of justice and I wanted another. Well, during lunch with my coworkers that day he offered to send me another pic...but it was not a G-rated offer. An X-rated offer, actually. I was so suprised by this offer that I literally dropped the sandwich that was in my hand. He then made a very, very, very tempting offer. An offer I haven't been made since high school. An offer I haven't taken anyone up on since I was 14 (I was an early bloomer, what can I say?). An offer of some illicit sexual activity.

I wrestled the next 3 hours. It was a nearly physical wrestling. I paced in my office. Thankfully I work with some very good friends and was able to seek their counsel. I texted people. I prayed. After some very good and trusted friends weighed in, I told him that however very, very tempting his offer is, how about we try dating for a while with sex off the table?

No response.

Skip to Thursday. I met up with a dear friend at the airport while she was on a layover. We had dinner and some drinks...and we discussed BBM. Stayed pretty firm on my decision to abstain from said offer. Late that evening/early Friday morning, I texted him and said, "Well, I guess your answer is no. I totally understand. If you ever change your mind give me a call." "It was nice knowing you. Thanks for the coffee and the kiss."

I went to sleep and waiting for me when I woke up: "I'm just getting out of a three-year curse and I'm not trying to burden you with that. I am highly attracted to you! But we could try friendship?"

Isn't that what I was asking in the first place?! So I said that sounded good to me. I then cheekily asked if we could be friends that kissed sometimes...he surprisingly said that we could. :)

Then nothing. So, I laid it all on the table: I have an event he can join me at Wednesday (today--it got cancelled, but that's neither here nor there) or I'm free from both jobs on Friday (two days from now). I said that I felt like I was chasing him and so that was my last offer.

Ten minutes later: "Friday!"

And somewhere amidst all of that...I changed my mind. Women are allowed that, right? I think I just needed to make a decision and feel comfortable with it. I think that was my test. Because the more I started to think about it, the more a one- (or more) night-stand didn't seem like that bad of an idea. I'm nearing 30. I haven't had any actual human sexual contact since the tender age of 17. And even then it wasn't good. It was rushed and hurried and done in darkened school hallways.

I have lived my life dedicated to others. I was taking care of my mom 24/7 and THAT surely didn't lend itself to dating. I was in (unrequited) love with a cantankerous man for 6+ years. That didn't lend itself to much fulfillment either. For so much of my life, my gratification has taken the backseat to that of others. And I've done it gladly...but when was the last time I made a decision for ME, not what others expect of me?

I was introduced to sex at age 12. Yes, 12. By a 22-year-old man. I look back on it now and I see it as disgusting sexual child abuse. At the time, though, I didn't see myself as a victim. I was a WILLING participant. I wanted someone to kiss me and tell me I was pretty and I didn't want that person to be my mom, dad, sisters or grandparents. I wanted to be wanted. And for two years I was wanted. That was 18 years ago and that was the last time I was wanted. The boy in high school didn't want ME and certainly didn't want to know my needs, he wanted to know what I could do for him...and I did.

Anyway...so I told BBM that I changed my mind. Needless to say, our text messages have turned WAY up on the steamy factor.

I'm a responsible adult. I know the risks and possibilities. I also know I can stop at any moment that I feel I need to. So, I think BBM will just be a stepping stone for the next phase in my life.

He is not a relationship possibility. Speaking of relationship possibilities: oh, right, there are none. As my dear, dear, dear friend said the other night via email: "I don't know what is taking God so long," when she was referring to sending me a good and righteous husband. And honestly, I don't know either.

I'm not getting any younger. My eggs are not getting any younger. We only live once. And my sexual being has been cooped up and locked away for so long that it's hard to hear sometimes to combat its screams for release.

So, date of release is Friday, 04.22.11. Is that Good Friday of Holy Week, you ask? Yes. Why yes it is.

I'll keep you updated.

Does all of this mean I love my Jesus less? Nope. Does all of this mean that I have given up on finding myself a wonderful and Godly husband? No. Does a one-night-stand make me less of a believer? No. Is it the best decision I've ever made? Probably not. Am I willing to take responsibility for my decisions? Yes.

Do I need to go home tonight and make my place presentable? Why yes. Yes I do.

Feel free to let me know your thoughts...I'm open to all commentary. And honestly, Friday isn't here yet so officially my virtue is still intact as it has been for 18 or so years...my text message inbox, not so much. ;)